To my children: “I’ll never be your friend.” Love, Mom

With Mother’s Day nipping at the heels, I thought I’d send out a reminder. 


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Just like you. I have friends. I’ve been making, keeping and losing friends as far back as I can remember. And … I’ll continue to do so in the future. My friends were acquired through various means: parents, mutual friends, proximity (sitter, school, sports) and good old fashioned hard work (personality stuff….).

You four, on the other hand, were not acquired through such means. Now … If you want to get technical,  you came to be through proximity, but that’s not the type of proximity that makes friends.

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21 Reasons Why We Can Never Be Friends.

(1.) Friends are peers.

We aren’t peers. (You never used a record player.) We aren’t of equal standing with each other. (I pay bills. You make them.) Because of that, we will never fully relate to one another. And … That’s okay. It keeps things interesting.

(2.) I didn’t give birth or marry to get my friends.

That’s just weird, desperate and all around disturbing. I wasn’t living in solitary until I was twenty-nine-years-old and thought, “Damn! I really need a friend.”  And what? Then I started making a new friend two years later? Nope. Just trying to make a family. Many years later, I met an amazing man. I certainly didn’t marry him to be friends with his child. There is a special place in hell for people like that. And … I certainly didn’t “seal the deal” (that one time) with my spouse, so I could give birth to my last and final friend. Nope. You three weren’t working out, so I had to try one last time. (You can’t talk to your real friends like that either.)

(3.) Friends tend to keep negative thoughts to themselves.

I tell you if you’re acting like a bitch or an ass. No hesitation. 100% of the time.

(4.) I’ve never taken part in my friends “self-care”.

No diapers. No baths. No feedings. Okay … Have I managed a few lapses in judgment or moments of amnesia due to intentional impairment? Yes. Not the same.

(5.) I like spending time with my friends.

I don’t always like spending time with you. The feeling is mutual. Of this, I am certain.

(6.) Friends don’t support each other financially, and definitely not for eighteen plus years.

This would be called: Friendship Over!

(7.) Friends can tell each other everything.

Don’t get me wrong. I want you to feel like you can come to me with anything. (Key word: FEEL)

It’s not always necessary to follow through. Think first. It will save us all a lot of discomfort. I know this, because I have parents. And … YUCK!!

(8.) Friends don’t require a filter when speaking.

Listen. I’ve aware of your vast vocabulary and feelings towards me at all times. No need to share unless you want to get a consequence out of the prize box.

(9.) Friendships are conditional.

Yep. You can’t keep a friend if you trash their house, (which you crash in) eat all their food, demand rides, and beg for money. You can however, keep your mom. Your VERY ANGRY mom.

(10.) Friends will help hide the body.

I will make you turn yourself in and visit you in prison as often as possible.

(11.) Your friend is not your keeper.

You can call me Warden.

(12.) A friend will and can braid your hair.

My braiding skills cause shame and ridicule.

(13.) A friend will play endless hours of video games with you.

I would rather put bamboo shoots under my nails.

(14) “Clean your room and do your homework first.”, said no friend ever.

Me … It’s said all the time.

(15.) Friends will listen when you say your mom is crazy.

Saying that to me, will unleash the crazy.

(16.) I bitch to my friends about you. You bitch to your friends about me.

I think you see where this is going.

(17.) A friend will listen to your rant, judgment free.

I’ll ask: “Well. What did you do? Maybe next time ……”

(18.) You are not allowed to get your friend a beer.

You can however, get me one when I ask.

(19.) A good friend will NATURALLY make you happy and help you evolve into a good person.

As your mother, I will PURPOSELY try my best so you are happy and evolve into a good person.

(20.) Friends might come and go.

Me? You’re stuck with me like the worst virus ever.

(21.) There may come a time when get drunk, act stupid and drive home.

Call your friend: Laugh about how your night was and pass out.

Call me: Possibly laugh for the last time in your life! I won’t care how old you are!

Your friend never and your “better than friends” MOM forever,

                                                                                ….. Mom



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