SO…….Thing 1 (12-years-old) was watching reality television with me last night. It doesn’t seem surprising that reality TV would lend itself to sexual issues, but we weren’t watching Bad Girls or The Bachelor/ette. AND…….Big Brother doesn’t come on for a few more months. I thought I was safe, but clearly, I was wrong.
WE WERE WATCHING:
![images[3]](https://articlesofabsurdity.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/images3.jpg "images[3]")
On this show, aspiring or established chefs compete with merely the taste of their food to get who the hell knows what. Seriously, I haven’t gotten far enough into the show to care. BUT……..Last night a woman said the judges would have a mouth orgasm when they tasted her food. For a second, I thought it had escaped him. Then, Thing 1 asks: “What’s an orgasm?”
Suddenly, I’m in an awkward position. Do I pretend I don’t hear him and change the subject? Do I tell him not to worry about it and forget he heard that word? THEN……. I think about him asking some kid in school who eats his own earwax. What the fuck is that dude gonna say? Do I really want my kid asking dumbasses at school what shit means? Hells no!!
That won’t work! I don’t want to be the cause of kids around America substituting the word imagination with masturbation.
Oh my goodness. I definitely don’t want to go there.
ME: You don’t need to say that word. It’s a sex word.
Thing 1: Oh?
ME: It has to do with feeling good.
Thing 1: (looks at me as if to need more information)
ME: Boys your age or a bit older can make themselves feel good all on their own in the privacy of their room.
Thing 1: (red faced and clearly uncomfortable….) Okay mom. I’m good. Let’s stop talking about this now.
After that little adventure, WE MOVED ON TO:
![images[5]](https://articlesofabsurdity.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/images5.jpg "images[5]")
On of the girls trying out was a young single mom. She began talking about her struggles being so young and raising a child on her own.
Thing 1: That was really dumb not waiting to have a kid. People should wait.
ME: (pumped up from my previous little convo) I don’t think it was thought out. Things like that happen when people are too busy having fun and not being careful.
Thing 1: Well, I’m never going to do stuff like that.
ME: You say that now, but you’ll see a girl some day and get really excited about touching her boobies and that will lead to something else.
Thing 1: (uncomfortable laughing)
ME: Don’t do something stupid and mess up your life or some girl’s life. Be good or be safe.
Thing 1: Okay. I’m not going to do anything.
ME: Well…..If you aren’t smart, the best case…..you get an infection that requires the doctor. It’s possible you get some girl pregnant and then life as you know it……bye, bye. Worst case is a disease that kills you. It might take a few years, but you’ll die. Just saying.
Thing 1: I’m going to bed mom. (….20 minutes earlier than his bedtime)
OKAY……..So who wants me to talk to their kids about the birds and the bees? What about sex stuff?
Articles of Absurdity 
Excessive BBQ can trigger one of those mouth thingy’s…..
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Good BBQ. I’ve actually had some “not so good”.
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And it’s decided. My daughter is never watching TV again. Or at least not until she goes to college. Once she’s there, she’s the world’s problem.
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TV programming is not what it once was. Even the “family” programming isn’t so “family” in my opinion.
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Where are the Cosbys when we need them?
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Bill would’ve been most helpful.
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Bad enough we have to deal with drugs and sex on your blog. But to have it spilling over into your kids lives. Shame mother shame shame shame. 🙂 But seriously it’s best coming from you then the kid eating earwax. I was told by the older and very smart L.L. that boys get a monthly. How dissappointing to learn they didn’t suffer with cramps every month.
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I’m not sure I’m quite ready for any sexual convos with my kids, but it sure beats other sources out there.
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Yea my daughter at 16 who I didn’t think was active. We went out to eat with one of her friends. Her friend was cracking up and I sat trying to be the cool mom who’s ready for any thing. Well she very calmly told me her boyfriend went down on her and that she liked it. I had to sip my coke to keep from choking on my burger. Well her daughter is going to be ten in October. I can’t wait for her to have t the talk with her. You know what goes around. 🙂
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Earwax is a tasty and nutritous alternative to other low fat spreads. Your hopes of grandparenthood may have been delayed by a few years. Scratch.
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Thank goodness. I guess I don’t have to worry about the middle school years then. Of course, that was only one child.
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Have you considered doing recruitment videos for monasteries?
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You could also try installing fake video cameras in his bedroom.
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I don’t even want to know what happens to teens or men, who can’t explore that area…….Pent up leads to no good.
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I think I would be awesome. I am looking to make some money while staying home.
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So you do know there are Sex Education films from the 50’s and 60’s on You Tube, right? You know this don’t you. They are really good and very definitive, even discussing masturbation.
This is my favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVi59gD_j1Y
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As bad as those are….my son may prefer listening to that video and others over listening to me.
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lmao! You traumatized him and probably gave him nightmares … poor “Thing” 🙂 Funny as hell post. Digging it.
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Thanks. He did fly out of the living room pretty quickly to get away from me. I better start coming up with a back story in case he grows up damaged. I need to find someone else or some other moment to blame.
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[…] there were some great posts I got to read! Here’s some of what I saw… Lorrie had the most awkward conversation ever with her son. Sooz collected some hilariously painful observations about sports and education, […]
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So my guess is this would make good pamphlet material. No, not like the vacation brochure I line the cat box with.
xxx
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Birdcage?
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It takes real talent to get a kid to his bedroom before bed time. Could be a useful skill.
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Very much like the”female issue” talk that clears a room of men.
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