By: Disassociated Press-on-Nails

NO WHERE IMPORTANT — One of the Big Tobacco companies is set to release it’s new line of cigarettes, Marlbooro, just in time for Halloween. The name was a stroke of genius, implying the obvious. These cigarettes are scary as shit.  “With the need to be the leader in this market, it was time to roll out a new line,” said head cancer stick designer, Mr. Black Lung. He went on to explain the creative thinking behind the new line. “It was time for us to make a statement to America and the rest of the world. We care about the economy! We care about the people. We care about healthcare!”

Apparently, this company wants to make an impact. We talked in length with the CIO (Chief Idiot Officer) to find out how they were going to do this.

• Bulk packaging/product will allow a lower price-point and keep more loyal cigarette smokers……addicted.
• Bigger product will give the “in your face” buying reaction needed to create new smokers.
• The larger cigarette will ease the psychological guilt of “two packs a day” smokers, since smoking one of these cigarettes is now the equivalent.
• Car companies will be forced to hire more employees to keep up with the interior design demands of the “Super-Sized” cigarette smoker.
  • More head/arm space
  • New ashtrays
  • New window design for dumping ashes
• Technology companies will be out to create the cigarette holding/smoking version of the Bluetooth device.
• Fashion designers will be out in masses, creating less flammable fabrics and improving clothing design, so the product can be carried.
• Makers of toothpaste, perfumes and quit smoking products will have an immediate increase in sales.
• Police officers can hand out more tickets for littering, since you can’t miss this baby flying out of your window.
• More fire and rescue personnel will be hired due to the inevitable increase in forest and home fires.
• Healthcare jobs are secure and increasing with this product. That is a given.
• Psychological and Emotional needs will be satisfied with this product.
  • Prisoners will do anything for one of these, so coöperation should be on the rise.
  • This would be a status symbol for men. Bigger is better.
  • The ladies will surely improve their chances of being taken home….or somewhere. Who doesn’t want the girl with this in her mouth?

Per the CIO, “There is no greater pleasure than introducing this product. We feel like pioneers. You know, like the ones that ended up killing a bunch of folks.”