It’s my birthday…..almost.

On March 27th,  I will be an older (hopefully better) version of myself, at 42 years old, which is ancient to some of you and quite babyish to others. I’ve decided to take a look back in my movie-making mind, to see what I have learned during the past year of my life. I realize that I am a few days ahead of schedule, but I promise to post anything new that I happen to learn between now and my actual birthday.

These are things I’ve learned through doing, observing or let’s face it, overheard gossip, which has to be true at least 3% of the time. With a percentage like that, I’d be a fool not to include such information. I will be using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to help me keep my thoughts slightly straight.


Breathing is good, unless you are standing by your ex at your kid’s soccer match. Not for nothing, but a little Febreeze could go a long way to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.

No matter how much I learn about food for health and energy…I can’t help thinking it’s main value is as a comfort food. My friend “The Elliptical Nazi” makes the best comfort “dip”. AND….Drink more water, even though it’s totally boring.

Always practice safe sex. Being safe when married means having it only with your spouse. So far, so good.

Sleep is my friend, who didn’t visit as often as I would’ve liked. Bedtimes are good for all age groups. Also, there is no such thing as beauty sleep. Although, I have slept so little before, that others do seem more attractive.

Continue to sweat and shiver for homeostasis purposes and never withhold excretions. WHOA! That went down the wrong road folks, but I guess it all helps keep us balanced. By the by, I’m not interested in anyone who is interested in my sex life. Oh yeah….no need to tell me about yours either.


I will continue to wear shoes without a pointy heel. I won’t run down a steep hill unless no one is watching. I will not use a rubber band to close my pants unless I want to poke someone’s eye out. And no, it didn’t happen that way!

I will continue to stay unemployed so I won’t fear losing my job. Child support is not a paycheck!

Morality: This is for another blog.

I will continue to pin my children’s psychological profiles on their clothing to avoid kidnappings. I will continue to follow all health warnings on the alcohol bottles. We will develop more weapons of mass destruction to avoid intruders. In case you are reading this Mr. President, I’m kidding. Please do not assign troops to my front lawn. Although… they babysit?


You really can count your true friends on one hand. If your “friend” continually asks you for favor after favor, makes excuses for broken promise after broken promise, they are not your true friend. Mean girls and bad boys exist at any age. If someone says unkind things about you before they decide to be your friend, it won’t work out.

Family is what you make it and it doesn’t always involve blood lines. Children are gifts from God that were purchased on clearance. Clearance items cannot be returned or exchanged.

Sexual intimacy is not the same as copping a feel. The real thing can never compare to what you imagine, so stop making up shit in your head. Even Hollywood is full of smoke and mirrors. If you feel the need to go elsewhere, than you might as well keep going.


Keep telling yourself you are better than others. It’s a real self-esteem booster. Get a scale that works or at least weighs in your favor. Being old(er) is no excuse for not being one “hot momma” or “daddy”.

Respect others by ignoring people on Facebook, who keep posting stupid shit, that way you won’t be tempted to write something disrespectful. Respect yourself by not buying into everyone else’s bullshit, especially when it starts screwing with your life. R U N! Respect yourself by Understanding it’s Nonsense!


I accept the fact, with prejudice, that I am not spontaneous, but I am somewhat creative, which solves a lot of problems for me. For example: Someone wrote me a letter explaining how wonderful they were and how that made it okay to screw my family over. With great prejudice, due to earlier tale spinning, I solved this problem by planning out in great detail a perfect paper airplane made from this letter, which will hopefully meet it’s target soon and clog up the source of all the ass smoke being blown around. Did I mention I put a few staples in to get the “point” across.

It is possible to rearrange your living room at least 20 times without moving the couch.

Why wash the walls and trim when you can just paint over them?

I accept the fact that I am not done dealing with crappy people in my life.


I am going out on a limb here. If only Maslow knew then…….

PHYSIOLOGICAL: Make sure you break from it long enough to eat and sleep.

SAFETY: Technology is good and evil. It’s easier to connect to people, but it’s also easier to be a victim, so be smart when using the internet and watch what you divulge.

LOVE/BELONGING: Don’t use social networks when drunk. You will regret what you post. Trust me. I’ve seen the comments and pics……..not your proudest moment. “Real” relationships exist in person. Stop using the internet to have sexual intimacy with others. Innocent comments are never that innocent.

ESTEEM: People interpret things anyway they like on social networks. There are a lot of delusional and paranoid people out there. Don’t let their fucked up interpretations, comments or toddler actions get to you. The internet brings out the bully in many weak people.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION: Never get your “facts” from Wiki-anything. Know that a lot of what is posted is with prejudice. The internet will never breed morality. Be creative with technology, but remember to live a “real” life as well.


41 thoughts on “It’s my birthday…..almost.

  1. Happy birthday (a couple days early)! This is a great set of rules and regs. Good thing you learned all this so I don’t have to listen and can in a drunken stupor post on Facebook I got all the instructions right here. Oh, wait. These all say “don’t” do ______. Well, ain’t that a pisser. Teach me to read drunk without glasses.

    Make it a good one, chick!
    (And we are the same age. It was a good year.)


  2. I have really enjoyed reading this posting of yours Lorre and how well you have written it my wickedly fine friend, and yes I read the whole thing, which proves how riveting your posts are, of course that is just your wonderful creativity kicking in again and the summary of Social Networking and Technological advancement is excellent, I do hope everyone read that part as you have certainly thought about the realities of same 🙂

    Hey and I know that this is a few days early but…


    Androgoth XXx


    1. It is astounding what 42 years of wisdom can bring. I guess we can pretty much die now that I have shed so much light on the world.

      As usual, you are too kind, but I like that about you. Thanks for the praise and I hope I’ve enriched your wicked life with a few of the lessons.

      Good eve!


      1. Of course you have, and we are never too old to learn something new either so keep adding your wonderful creativity and being delightfully wicked and I will be here to offer my somewhat crazy to sometimes zany approach to commenting on all of your fine postings… Hey just one more day to go to your birthday 🙂 😉

        Androgoth XXx


  3. Just celebrated my birthday. You made me wish I had compiled a list like this. I shall put it on my list of activities for next years birthday 🙂
    Happy Birthday


  4. In fifteen minutes you will be having a wicked birthday, well you would if you were living here in the UK but it won’t be long to party time and don’t forget your party hats either 🙂 😉

    Androgoth XXx


    1. Talk about aging well. Have you seen your pic?

      I don’t know if I will ever claim to have much wisdom. I don’t want the liability from some trusting soul, who thinks I actually know what I’m talking about.

      Thanks for the birthday wishes.


  5. Happy Birthday! Best wishes for all the best, and some of the rest, too! To me, hitting 42 seemed significant for some reason … of course, that was 7 years ago, so I’ve forgotten by now. However, the one thing I can share with you about getting older is … another thing I seem to have forgotten. Be that as it may, you seem to have your shit together, so more power to you! Oh yeah, try doing the same with Erik Erikson’s ‘stages of psychosocial development’. Most folks I know find Maslow a bit too ‘needy’! 😛


    1. Sounds like a possible challenge with Mr. Erikson.

      What I got out of your comment was….I should do whatever I want and say whatever I want, because in 7 years, I probably won’t remember any of it anyway. Was that about right?

      Thanks for the birthday wishes.


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