Cheap Love: Courtesy of “The Coach”


I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. A hooker on the street, who clearly needs dental work and a bath is not going to break the bank. They may break your no STD streak though, but only if that’s a concern to you. There’s also that person at work, who gets drunk off cough syrup and takes it all off for a chili dog at 7-11. BUT….I’m not talking about that. I’m back to America’s Romance Coach. Let’s give another round of sighs and gagging sounds to Gregory Godek. I found some really great and cheap ideas for romance out of his supposed bestselling book, 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC.

  • Run a bubble bath and have sex in the tub. Okay. Bubble baths can lead to urinary tract infections, which hurt like a mother fucker. Unless you want that intercourse to be your last for a while, don’t do it in the damn bubble bath.
  • Put a love letter in a bottle and leave it floating in the bathtub. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t the purpose romance? A message traveling miles upon miles and even years in the water, is mysterious and magical. This idea sucks big time. Why not just drop it in the toilet?
  • Speaking of which: Write notes on rolls of toilet paper. What a turn on. There’s nothing more I’d like than to put “I Love You.” on a sheet and then have my love wipe their ass with it. Seriously, is he joking?
  • Send her a copy of your résumé and attach a note saying you want to know her better. Fucking stupid. Enough said on that idea.
  • Give him a toy telephone with a note asking E.T to phone home more often. Wow! I bet he can hardly control the growth in his pants imagining a shriveled up alien, who looks like he’s in need of a neck circumcision.

“The Coach” also has some ideas strictly for the singles out there.

  • Pushing the résumé idea awfully hard again. Economic times are tough. So….Unless they can also offer you a job, don’t bother.
  • Celebrate the onset of her menstrual cycle with champagne. This is to celebrate the relief of the male and to ease the pain of the female. WTF! I would love to hear opinions on that idea.
  • When giving jewelry, never package it in a ring box unless it’s an engagement ring. Why ask for trouble? Okay. This jackass is just pissing me off now.

Here are some lovely thoughts for married couples.

  • In the middle of a party/event, whisper to your mate that they are the best. Why the whisper? Are you embarrassed or something? Wouldn’t it mean more if you said it out loud so others knew you meant it.
  • Frame your wedding license and hang it on the wall. I don’t know about romantic, but it’s a nice reminder that you’ll legally obligated to each other.
  • He also suggests: Making a small copy of your wedding license and putting it in your wallet next to your driver’s license. That way, when someone questions how anyone could be brain-dead enough to marry a dumbass like you, you can whip it out and prove someone was that brain-dead.
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40 thoughts on “Cheap Love: Courtesy of “The Coach”

  1. snooorrrrtttttt. Yeah, have you ever tried to screw in a tub or shower? I would either drop the well-soaped wife or I’d get up and impale myself on the faucet. Either way, I shall say no thank you, sir.

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    1. That would make quite the story though, especially if you were able to conceive a child in that moment.

      “Mommy, can you please tell me the story about the night God decided to put me in your belly?”

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    2. hee hee hee…

      If you only knew how well I just pictured that whole unfortunate scenario… (and from personal experience even)

      You and the Mrs. should brave the carpet burns and stay firmly on semi-solid surfaces is my advice.

      It would be a shame to have to spend an evening in emerg with a faucet badly placed and in need of mechanical extraction (just sayin’)

      M.L.

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  2. Oh no, Lorre, these are fantastic! I would love to meet this guy and Gibbs-slap the FRONT of his head. He’s worse than George Costanza, lord of the idiots! hehehe

    I’m gonna have to pass on about 99% of those ideas.

    Reminds me of the music parody where the guy says something like, “I’ll bring the STD in STUD, all I need is U.” So awesome. 🙂

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  3. Back in the day when I still had such parties, menstruation was always a theme. Nothing says “party” like the Tampax-Party-In-A-Box, unless you wanted the she-she look of the pink by Playtex. I used to monogram Always to-go packets with the guests initials so they could remember me at their next cycle and wish they had monumental enough periods to warrant the ass-slapping good time had by all at my parties.

    The best part was always the left over pitcher of Bloody Mary’s in the fridge the following morning for a little pube of the dog that bit you.
    Red.

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    1. I almost peed my pants reading your comment.

      I could envision that party and we we’re having a pretty good time despite the horrible mood swings. Those parting gifts were ever so thoughtful of you. I hope you don’t mind, but I made money at your party by selling black market Midol. I promise to give you a cut next time.

      You can’t have a good period party without a batch of Blood Mary’s. Or is it Red’s or Lorre’s?

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      1. Shh. Don’t tell anyone about the secret sauce. And I am thinking Kleenex may co-sponsor the next one.

        I have considered a portable help-yourself vending machine for Midol, Pamprin and Diurex. I just have to remember NOT to substitute Xanax and Nytol for the other things. I try and keep them in the separate “for Mickey’s” and “NOT for Mickey’s” jars, but you know what a pain in the ass that can be.

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      2. All this planning suck, but the party does need to “flow” right or someone is going to be left with “blood on their hands”. Just make sure the venue is spacious enough so we all aren’t “cramped”.

        I want a piece of that drug action.

        You know….if you didn’t want any messes, you could call in vampires as part of the clean up crew.

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  4. And, when asked for his comments on yet another losing season, the Coach answered
    “I think our team just isn’t playing hard enough. These plays I’ve come up with are golden!”

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  5. I truly hope you didn’t pay money for this book. How awful. Could you imagine sending a resume to someone you’re trying to get in the sack?

    “Very skilled in bed. References upon request.” WTF??

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