I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. A hooker on the street, who clearly needs dental work and a bath is not going to break the bank. They may break your no STD streak though, but only if that’s a concern to you. There’s also that person at work, who gets drunk off cough syrup and takes it all off for a chili dog at 7-11. BUT….I’m not talking about that. I’m back to America’s Romance Coach. Let’s give another round of sighs and gagging sounds to Gregory Godek. I found some really great and cheap ideas for romance out of his supposed bestselling book, 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC.
- Run a bubble bath and have sex in the tub. Okay. Bubble baths can lead to urinary tract infections, which hurt like a mother
fucker. Unless you want that intercourse to be your last for a while, don’t do it in the damn bubble bath.
- Put a love letter in a bottle and leave it floating in the bathtub. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t the purpose romance? A message traveling miles upon miles and even years in the water, is mysterious and magical. This idea sucks big time. Why not just drop it in the toilet?
- Speaking of which: Write notes on rolls of toilet paper. What a turn on. There’s nothing more I’d like than to put “I Love You.” on a sheet and then have my love wipe their ass with it. Seriously, is he joking?
- Send her a copy of your résumé and attach a note saying you want to know her better. Fucking stupid. Enough said on that idea.
- Give him a toy telephone with a note asking E.T to phone home more often. Wow! I bet he can hardly control the growth in his pants imagining a shriveled up alien, who looks like he’s in need of a neck circumcision.
“The Coach” also has some ideas strictly for the singles out there.
- Pushing the résumé idea awfully hard again. Economic times are tough. So….Unless they can also offer you a job, don’t bother.
- Celebrate the onset of her menstrual cycle with champagne. This is to celebrate the relief of the male and to ease the pain of the female. WTF! I would love to hear opinions on that idea.
- When giving jewelry, never package it in a ring box unless it’s an engagement ring. Why ask for trouble? Okay. This jackass is just pissing me off now.
Here are some lovely thoughts for married couples.
- In the middle of a party/event, whisper to your mate that they are the best. Why the whisper? Are you embarrassed or something? Wouldn’t it mean more if you said it out loud so others knew you meant it.
- Frame your wedding license and hang it on the wall. I don’t know about romantic, but it’s a nice reminder that you’ll legally obligated to each other.
- He also suggests: Making a small copy of your wedding license and putting it in your wallet next to your driver’s license. That way, when someone questions how anyone could be brain-dead enough to marry a dumbass like you, you can whip it out and prove someone was that brain-dead.