I’m back.  Lock your doors, fasten your seatbelts and hold on tight. It just might just be a bumpy ride folks.

So as many of you know, I have a nine-year-old daughter. The center of her universe revolves around friends, especially anyone she’s calling her BFF (best friend forever).  I hate to break it to her, but I highly doubt her BFF will really be forever. It’s possible, but highly improbable.  With age, she will learn that her BFF will turn into her BFFN (best friend for now), but hopefully, will never be her BFTYF (best friend to your face).  It will crush her if her BFF turns into her BFUSBCA (best friend until someone better comes along) and watch out BFF, if you become her BFUYFMDB (best friend until you fuck my damn boyfriend).

Per Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of a friend is: one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile and one that is supportive.

Have you ever wondered what other types of friends exist?  Let’s see how many you recognize.

FALSE FRIEND

This person is totally fake.  They’re not truthful.  They’re very deceitful and out for themselves .  Why are they your friends?  Who knows?  They have to be getting something from the relationship.  Maybe they want to sleep with your significant other or worse yet, one of your parents.  Maybe they want to be invited to all your parties.  Perhaps they lost a bet and have to stay your friend for one year without gagging.  Did you win the lottery?  If you did, you better watch your back.

FUNCTION FRIEND

This person you know from an activity, organization or job.  This might be a person from your child’s sporting events, clubs you’re involved in or church.  You only know them through those connections and you probably don’t see them much on the “outside”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s possible to make some genuine connections, but when someone decides they are great friends with everyone at work, or at church……they are full of shit.  I see and smell a kiss-ass. Watch your back. Someone could be coming after your promotion, youth leader position or team mom title (let them have that one…too much work). Mostly, you only see them at these particular places. You only discuss “function” related topics. Beyond not, you really have no use for them and they really have no use for you.

FLIGHTY FRIEND

They are completely irresponsible and unstable.  You pretty much have to be their seeing-eye dog.  They don’t know which end is up.  They constantly seek your help and guidance. They drive you mad and suck the fucking life out of you.  You are their personal GPS system for everything. Run….run as fast as you can.

FANCY FRIEND

Now this bitch, you have to watch out for.  They want to be more than friends. They harbor romantic feelings for you.  Usually, they are of the opposite sex, but not always.  They want to get a little too close.  They just want to know a bit too much.  Have you noticed?  They’re always talking trash and trying to get you to dump your spouse or significant other/.  AND…Don’t even get me started on how they say it’s okay to see you naked and why can’t they get naked in front of you. That’s what besties do after all.

FACEBOOK FRIEND

It’s a petri dish of people!  Unless you plan to go out to dinner with or mail out 200 to 600 cards, I wouldn’t really call these people your friends. Pretty much everyone under the sun is on there. Anyone could on your list, from great friends to new acquaintances. Just don’t forget that when you start to post crap on your wall.  It seems FB has turned into many things: a source of gossip for cruel people, a way of letting others know who is “really’ important to you (as if anyone cares), a soft porn site, a spying mechanism so colleagues can screw you over at the next office meeting and so on.  Let’s face it.  Facebook can be downright evil and a means to screw somebody to the wall.  Speaking of screwing, it can also be a way to find somebody to screw that you probably shouldn’t be screwing.

FAMILY FRIEND

You are friendly with this person because they are somehow associated with your family.  You go to dinners. You send cards and you act super friendly to them in public.  You make your kids called them uncle, aunt, grandma or grandpa, even though they aren’t really related to you. In fact, you really don’t know who the fuck they are.  BUT…Years ago, someone told you they were like family. There you go!

FLASH FRIEND

This person is in your life for a split second.  It’s like a one night stand without the guilt or large bar bill. It’s all for their benefit and to have immediate gratification.  What is it they want?  Perhaps they see you as damaged goods.  Some people need to feel like they have picked someone up and changed their whole world before moving on.  Some people are in it for the excitement fix.  Have you suffered a recent tragedy or experienced something amazing and wonderful recently? If you have, then a flash friend may be knocking on your door soon. They want to share in it, whatever it is.  They want to ride that train, whether it’s crashing soon or going great places. AND…They want everyone to know, that somehow, they were there for you in your time of need or your time of joy.  It puts attention on them and they love attention. Once the moment is gone, they leave as fast as they came. It’s kind of back to that sex thing!

FEATHER BOA FRIEND

This person wears you like a decoration or badge.  There’s something about you. It may be your looks, accomplishments, connections or career.  BUT…There is something about you they need associated with them.  It’s kind of like having a trophy wife. You make them look good by association.

FULL OF IT FRIEND

We all know these friend.  They are completely conceded and full of shit.  Oh, I’m sorry full of their own importance.  They think, they make you look better.  Somewhere in their minds they believe that God sent them down to earth to make sure your life wasn’t so pitiful.  They also tell ridiculous stories, which are clearly embellished just like bedazzled jeans and sadly they don’t realize that everyone knows it.

FORGET-ME-NOT FRIEND

This has to be the most annoying type of friend there is. They call, text, or Facebook you non-stop (you may be just as annoying). If there is a day that goes by without contact, then someone is going to have a seriously fucking meltdown. They can’t seem to function without your constant presence. They’re like herpes. You just can’t get rid of them. Are you their herpes too?

FEEDBACK FRIEND

This person is very reactionary and responsive.  I think that somewhere in another life, they wanted to be a talk show host or a counselor.  They just don’t know what it is to be a good listener though.  They pounce with their opinions shoved down your damn throat.  They react like a “Jerry Springer guest” about anything you happen to say.  If you start to cry be ready for them to cry more than you do.  AND…If your spouse cheats on you, they will show more outrage than you.  Just remember it’s all about them and the Academy Award that they’re trying to win.

FAVOR FRIEND

This little lovely does things out of goodwill, which means you are their charity.  Maybe they think you need to find Jesus.  Perhaps you could tell them you’ll start making up flyers on put pictures on milk cartons. Perhaps they think you’re needy in some type of “ly” way (emotionally, physically, mentally, financially or sexually). They will offer all that they can to get you out of your situation. Either way, you can actually use the hell out of these people because of their blind good will. Have fun, but be careful. You’ll probably go to hell for using these kind folks, but if they fall for the sexually needy part, then I think they should have to join you. BUT….try to find Jesus first, so you can be saved. I’m pretty sure you won’t find him down there.

FESTIVE FRIEND

This is the craziest mother you are ever going to find.  This person is always out for a good time, and they always find one.  They’re a lot of fun to party and get drunk with, but you better be ready. If you aren’t lucky enough to make it home, you could end up in jail, naked in a strange place or beat up in an alley. BUT…That’s after you had a great night.

FRENEMY

They are similar to the false friend, but with a little twist.  They are friendly to your face, but will stab you in the back in a heartbeat.  They have a deep resentment towards you or some hidden rivalry.  They stay friends with you until they’ve screwed you over in some way.

FENCE FRIEND

They like to meddle and stir the pot a lot.  Perhaps this would be more like a “back fence” friend.  They hang out with you in the front yard and it’s all sunshine and roses.  Then, they go to their backyard and talk trash about you. BUT…Don’t feel bad, they do this with everyone they’re friends with.  They like scuttlebutt.  People catch on pretty quickly and drop them like flies, but “pot stirrers” are too caught up in their own rumor mill to catch on. The only friends they can keep are the ones like them.

FOUNDATION FRIEND

I guess this is where the BFF’s come into play.  The groundwork  set for an amazing long-lasting friendship.  There’s no trickery, there’s no ulterior motive, and nobody’s talking constant trash behind your back or trying to one up you in any way.  These people actually care about you.  They actually support you and show an interest in what you do. They sincerely want to talk to you and they sincerely want to listen.  Who would’ve thunk it!

 

NOTE: Please feel free not to contact me about errors. It looks good to me, but I’m too tired to notice if I’m wrong.