With friends like these………….


I’m back.  Lock your doors, fasten your seatbelts and hold on tight. It just might just be a bumpy ride folks.

So as many of you know, I have a nine-year-old daughter. The center of her universe revolves around friends, especially anyone she’s calling her BFF (best friend forever).  I hate to break it to her, but I highly doubt her BFF will really be forever. It’s possible, but highly improbable.  With age, she will learn that her BFF will turn into her BFFN (best friend for now), but hopefully, will never be her BFTYF (best friend to your face).  It will crush her if her BFF turns into her BFUSBCA (best friend until someone better comes along) and watch out BFF, if you become her BFUYFMDB (best friend until you fuck my damn boyfriend).

Per Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of a friend is: one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile and one that is supportive.

Have you ever wondered what other types of friends exist?  Let’s see how many you recognize.

FALSE FRIEND

This person is totally fake.  They’re not truthful.  They’re very deceitful and out for themselves .  Why are they your friends?  Who knows?  They have to be getting something from the relationship.  Maybe they want to sleep with your significant other or worse yet, one of your parents.  Maybe they want to be invited to all your parties.  Perhaps they lost a bet and have to stay your friend for one year without gagging.  Did you win the lottery?  If you did, you better watch your back.

FUNCTION FRIEND

This person you know from an activity, organization or job.  This might be a person from your child’s sporting events, clubs you’re involved in or church.  You only know them through those connections and you probably don’t see them much on the “outside”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s possible to make some genuine connections, but when someone decides they are great friends with everyone at work, or at church……they are full of shit.  I see and smell a kiss-ass. Watch your back. Someone could be coming after your promotion, youth leader position or team mom title (let them have that one…too much work). Mostly, you only see them at these particular places. You only discuss “function” related topics. Beyond not, you really have no use for them and they really have no use for you.

FLIGHTY FRIEND

They are completely irresponsible and unstable.  You pretty much have to be their seeing-eye dog.  They don’t know which end is up.  They constantly seek your help and guidance. They drive you mad and suck the fucking life out of you.  You are their personal GPS system for everything. Run….run as fast as you can.

FANCY FRIEND

Now this bitch, you have to watch out for.  They want to be more than friends. They harbor romantic feelings for you.  Usually, they are of the opposite sex, but not always.  They want to get a little too close.  They just want to know a bit too much.  Have you noticed?  They’re always talking trash and trying to get you to dump your spouse or significant other/.  AND…Don’t even get me started on how they say it’s okay to see you naked and why can’t they get naked in front of you. That’s what besties do after all.

FACEBOOK FRIEND

It’s a petri dish of people!  Unless you plan to go out to dinner with or mail out 200 to 600 cards, I wouldn’t really call these people your friends. Pretty much everyone under the sun is on there. Anyone could on your list, from great friends to new acquaintances. Just don’t forget that when you start to post crap on your wall.  It seems FB has turned into many things: a source of gossip for cruel people, a way of letting others know who is “really’ important to you (as if anyone cares), a soft porn site, a spying mechanism so colleagues can screw you over at the next office meeting and so on.  Let’s face it.  Facebook can be downright evil and a means to screw somebody to the wall.  Speaking of screwing, it can also be a way to find somebody to screw that you probably shouldn’t be screwing.

FAMILY FRIEND

You are friendly with this person because they are somehow associated with your family.  You go to dinners. You send cards and you act super friendly to them in public.  You make your kids called them uncle, aunt, grandma or grandpa, even though they aren’t really related to you. In fact, you really don’t know who the fuck they are.  BUT…Years ago, someone told you they were like family. There you go!

FLASH FRIEND

This person is in your life for a split second.  It’s like a one night stand without the guilt or large bar bill. It’s all for their benefit and to have immediate gratification.  What is it they want?  Perhaps they see you as damaged goods.  Some people need to feel like they have picked someone up and changed their whole world before moving on.  Some people are in it for the excitement fix.  Have you suffered a recent tragedy or experienced something amazing and wonderful recently? If you have, then a flash friend may be knocking on your door soon. They want to share in it, whatever it is.  They want to ride that train, whether it’s crashing soon or going great places. AND…They want everyone to know, that somehow, they were there for you in your time of need or your time of joy.  It puts attention on them and they love attention. Once the moment is gone, they leave as fast as they came. It’s kind of back to that sex thing!

FEATHER BOA FRIEND

This person wears you like a decoration or badge.  There’s something about you. It may be your looks, accomplishments, connections or career.  BUT…There is something about you they need associated with them.  It’s kind of like having a trophy wife. You make them look good by association.

FULL OF IT FRIEND

We all know these friend.  They are completely conceded and full of shit.  Oh, I’m sorry full of their own importance.  They think, they make you look better.  Somewhere in their minds they believe that God sent them down to earth to make sure your life wasn’t so pitiful.  They also tell ridiculous stories, which are clearly embellished just like bedazzled jeans and sadly they don’t realize that everyone knows it.

FORGET-ME-NOT FRIEND

This has to be the most annoying type of friend there is. They call, text, or Facebook you non-stop (you may be just as annoying). If there is a day that goes by without contact, then someone is going to have a seriously fucking meltdown. They can’t seem to function without your constant presence. They’re like herpes. You just can’t get rid of them. Are you their herpes too?

FEEDBACK FRIEND

This person is very reactionary and responsive.  I think that somewhere in another life, they wanted to be a talk show host or a counselor.  They just don’t know what it is to be a good listener though.  They pounce with their opinions shoved down your damn throat.  They react like a “Jerry Springer guest” about anything you happen to say.  If you start to cry be ready for them to cry more than you do.  AND…If your spouse cheats on you, they will show more outrage than you.  Just remember it’s all about them and the Academy Award that they’re trying to win.

FAVOR FRIEND

This little lovely does things out of goodwill, which means you are their charity.  Maybe they think you need to find Jesus.  Perhaps you could tell them you’ll start making up flyers on put pictures on milk cartons. Perhaps they think you’re needy in some type of “ly” way (emotionally, physically, mentally, financially or sexually). They will offer all that they can to get you out of your situation. Either way, you can actually use the hell out of these people because of their blind good will. Have fun, but be careful. You’ll probably go to hell for using these kind folks, but if they fall for the sexually needy part, then I think they should have to join you. BUT….try to find Jesus first, so you can be saved. I’m pretty sure you won’t find him down there.

FESTIVE FRIEND

This is the craziest mother you are ever going to find.  This person is always out for a good time, and they always find one.  They’re a lot of fun to party and get drunk with, but you better be ready. If you aren’t lucky enough to make it home, you could end up in jail, naked in a strange place or beat up in an alley. BUT…That’s after you had a great night.

FRENEMY

They are similar to the false friend, but with a little twist.  They are friendly to your face, but will stab you in the back in a heartbeat.  They have a deep resentment towards you or some hidden rivalry.  They stay friends with you until they’ve screwed you over in some way.

FENCE FRIEND

They like to meddle and stir the pot a lot.  Perhaps this would be more like a “back fence” friend.  They hang out with you in the front yard and it’s all sunshine and roses.  Then, they go to their backyard and talk trash about you. BUT…Don’t feel bad, they do this with everyone they’re friends with.  They like scuttlebutt.  People catch on pretty quickly and drop them like flies, but “pot stirrers” are too caught up in their own rumor mill to catch on. The only friends they can keep are the ones like them.

FOUNDATION FRIEND

I guess this is where the BFF’s come into play.  The groundwork  set for an amazing long-lasting friendship.  There’s no trickery, there’s no ulterior motive, and nobody’s talking constant trash behind your back or trying to one up you in any way.  These people actually care about you.  They actually support you and show an interest in what you do. They sincerely want to talk to you and they sincerely want to listen.  Who would’ve thunk it!

 

NOTE: Please feel free not to contact me about errors. It looks good to me, but I’m too tired to notice if I’m wrong.

 

 

 

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38 thoughts on “With friends like these………….

  1. I have to say at 34 yrs old, I still have best girlfriends that I’ve had since I was 12 yrs old and I consider myself lucky to have them…of course I’ve had to weed out all those others!!! (and I like to think of myself as the festive friend at times!) ha!

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  2. Good blog today. I still revisit all the “friends” on in my life and glad to say that the older I get the more foundation friends I find. Although the couple festive friends in my mix keep me laughing and living 🙂

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    1. At least it would be easier to spot them, but I certainly know what you mean. My children’s (ex) vice-principal would wear a feather boa during the day. Seriously? I could never see her as a person with authority.

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    1. Yeah…You just reminded me. I left out f’ing friends or friends with benefits.
      Thanks. Glad to be back.It felt like forever, but I only went two days without posting. I guess I have some catching up to do with other blogs though.

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  3. She’s baaaaack…..and on a roll. You are a fun friend. Was there one for that? I forget there were so many, and my attention span for reading long posts, even your entertaining ones, waivers. Oh well, you know what I mean. Glad to see you back on your perch! Margie

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    1. Thanks Margie. I guess I left out fun “in a pee your pants and spit out your coffee” type of way friend out. I went straight for the fun “in a life regretting” type of way though. Oh well.
      Good to be back. You’ll just have to take long annoying posts and break them up into snacks. I know what you mean though.

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  4. Love it! I think your daughter will discover that the older we get, the murkier the subject of “friendship” gets…and yet we never seem to leave the playground. The politics of “you’re not my friend anymore, I’m taking my ball and going home” get a lot subtler, but no less childish.

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  5. Nice post. Some time we consider these False friends as our real friends. But with time, we all realize there are very few people in this whole world, whom we can consider as friend. I hope you missed blogging friend in that list. 🙂

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  6. One day your daughter might meet a combination of all the aforementioned friend categories, a new breed which combines the best (and worst?) of everyone you’ve ever met, had a fling with, or considered was so insightful, hilarious and ‘awesome’ you wondered what the hell they were doing hanging around with the likes of you, I am of course talking about a Blog Friend.

    🙂

    PS. If this was a (long) tweet I’d hashtag it #elephantintheroom

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    1. As long as no one gets hurt, it all good in the friend world. I think at one time or another, we are all a mix of these people. Hopefully, we are only a dash of the bad and a lot of the good. BUT….It probably depends on who you ask.

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    1. I jotted this idea down a few months ago, but certainly….some experience brought it about. Small towns breed too many of these folks. I’m sure it’s the same everywhere, but it’s easier to bump into the stereotypes here.

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  7. Hell, I’m so glad I’m not a woman. I mean geez, I can’t imagine having to look out for all of these disingenuous friend types!
    I did a post on friendships a while back, but it didn’t look ANYthing like this. It was more like the friend who stays for three beers vs. the friend who bails after two. Or the football season friends vs. the baseball season friends. Okay not really, but still it was like filtered cigarettes compared to this!

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    1. Yeah…..females young and old can be some hard core bitches and out for blood. There are good ones too, but so much drama. I try to stay away from it myself, but it’s like a rash….it can spread.

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    1. Preach it brother. I hear you, but reunions…..sometimes it’s nice to see how people are doing. That’s code for “You thought you were the shit in highschool. Look at you now.”
      Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

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  8. And then there are “Funny Friends!” Love reading your pages. You appear to have mastered the F vocabulary of Friendship very well, LOL LOL. Unlike twindaddy, I’d be lost without my friends. My family cannot be relied upon for anything. Trust me, I have tried and it winds up sideways every blasted time. My friends of years are my family of choice. I am so blessed to have them and my writing friends whose minds connect to mine from afar and say things I think before I manage to form a clear sentence on the matter. You rock, L 🙂

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    1. Love you and I’m coming your way soon. I had to take a break to get things done around the house, but I should be picking up the pace soon.

      I agree about the “not so hot’ family. I’ve been making family out of friends since I was a child. It’s kind of like dating though. There are good ones and bad ones. You have to sort through them all and sometimes you get screwed over, but eventually you find a keeper.

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  9. Well said.
    And then there’s the “amalgam” friend who embodies several traits at once.
    Personally, I love my friends that have the Festive Friend characteristic.

    My few close ones all have it or are susceptible to it in others.
    As for most of the others? Mostly they’ve fallen by the wayside…

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    1. Yes. Most people probably are a combo of these “friend” types. Gotta love a festive friend though. They can always get you in trouble if you aren’t careful, but they just can’t help it. It’s who they are.

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