If you read yesterday’s post, then you know I’m pondering my relationship with my daily alcohol consumption.
AM I AN ALCOHOLIC? I don’t have a strong craving for alcohol. I’m not physically dependant for survival, although it does help to be a better person. Seriously, you should meet me when I’m not drinking. I can limit myself…if I want to do so. Unless of course I get drunk and then I’m not in charge anymore. ANSWER: No
DO I HAVE AN ALCOHOL ABUSE PROBLEM? Oh wait…..I did pour some of my beer out the other day. Okay….I’m a damn alcohol waster. BUT….I don’t let it interfere with my home life or relationships with people. If they don’t fucking like the way I drink they can step off or get a bottle to the head. I don’t drink and take part in dangerous situations. Although, I have been known to think while drinking and some have told me that puts all in a precarious place. There was also that Kama Sūtra moment, but we don’t want to go there. Okay…you do, but I don’t. AND…..No legal problems have resulted from my drinking. Although, it might be considered a crime to have hooked up with some of the losers I did in college due to alcohol tunnel vision. ANSWER: No
AM I A DRUNK? When I drink, my brain function isn’t impaired to the point where I have poor judgment. I never pissed in the corner or my dresser drawer, just in my pants. However, a sneeze induced moment because you’ve had kids doesn’t count. My judgment is spot on, although some of my postings may have you questioning this. It doesn’t cut my reaction time. Of course, when I drink now, I’m at home doing this blog or watching television. BUT…..I’m pretty sure I type just as fast and my eyes still blink the same amount of times. I don’t lose my balance and my motor skills are good. Although, I’m not really paying attention. When I get up, I’m getting another beer and my brain function is slightly impaired, so I’m not too sure. My speech is not slurred (not on a nightly basis), but again, everyone is asleep so I only have myself to talk to. I think I sound okay. ANSWER: No. Although, I won’t lie. I was drunk 1x in the last eight months (the fault of my bitch friend per last post…) when this nightly drinking thing happened upon me. See how I pass the buck there? That’s something a drunk would say.
AM I A CLOSET DRINKER? There was a time, but the closet was almost as big as a room. I don’t hide the fact that I drink. I may have hidden my alcohol before, but that’s because I’m friends with a bunch of drunks. ANSWER: No
AM I A SOCIAL/CASUAL DRINKER? Have I had drinks at other people’s homes or had people over for drinks? Yes, but a social drinker does not intend to get drunk. I’ve never set out to get drunk when I have some drinks, but that “does not intend” leaves a lot of room to screw up. ANSWER: Yes
DO I DRINK IN MODERATION? Well, I thought so, but not according to the Dietary Guidelines of America. I’d like the opinions of some non-americans here. Apparently, these tight asses say that heavy drinking is anything more than 1 drink per day for women and 2 drinks per day for men. ANSWER: No. This kind of news makes me want to drink more excessively, get drunk and rob a liquor store. After all, I’m already a heavy drinker.
AM I A BINGE DRINKER? Those bastards who came up with the Dietary Guidelines of America, while drunk off their asses at the local bar, say that I might be. Binge drinking is 5 or more drinks for men and 4 or more drinks for women in a 2 hour period. The bastards that be, say this usually leads to a blood alcohol concentration of 0.08%. I’m guessing it depends on what you’re actually drinking. ANSWER: Yes, per the bastards that be.
CONCLUSION: I am a social drinker, who doesn’t intend to get drunk, but has allowed this to happen because I don’t know how to drink in moderation. This has led to binge drinking on occasion and sometimes in a closet . When I discover I’ve had enough, I may abuse alcohol by pouring it down the sink. Hmmmmm. My only consolation is that I drink beer water: Budweiser Select 55 with a 2.4% alcohol content, 55 calories and only 1.9 carbs. This is a beer I can drink excessively and still feel good about it in the morning.
If there are any mistakes in this post, have a drink and get over it.