Reheated Leftovers: Like the networks, enjoy the rerun!

He’s not my friend. He’s my husband

October 27th, 2011

 Disclaimer: If you and your spouse are besties, you may be offended by this.  Too fucking bad.

I  hear a lot of people say their spouse is their best friend. On Facebook, there are a myriad of posts announcing “On this day blah, blah years ago, I married my best friend.” I just can’t relate. First of all, I’m not twelve anymore. I can’t afford to have only one best friend. My friends have spouses, kids, jobs and other friends. I’d be very lonely if I waited for my one best friend to be available………and quite frankly……..a bit pathetic and needy. Can we say Single White Female? (Look it up if you don’t get the reference.) I have several really great friends. I don’t live in the right state to be married to more than one of them. So I’m out on legality alone.

Let’s get down to it. None of my great friends have penises. Some of them carry their spouses balls around from time to time, but that’s it. After my own experiences with guys I thought were my best friends, I realize that a true-best friendship between men and women is really not possible (sexual tension is a bummer). I know someone will disagree with that, but I’m here to tell you….”I’m right and you’re wrong.” The exception would be if one is a homosexual. So at this point, my husband has a penis and is absolutely not a homosexual. So far, the friend thing is looking bleak.

Vacations with friends can be great. I’m still friends with the ones I’ve traveled with. We returned to our corners. My friends would agree. They don’t want to live with me either. Needless to say, my husband and I go on vacation with friends to get away from each other. Plus, we can’t afford more than one house and who’d be stuck with the kids? Friends also share clothing, shoes and jewelry. I wouldn’t be married to a man I could do this with. And the tampon thing………. total deal breaker if he had his own supply.

When I need to vent about married life, I bitch with my best friends. That so would not work if that person was my husband. I think I know whose fucking side he’d be on. My friends are great. They tell it like it is and give me their unbiased opinions about crap. My husband needs to tell me what I want to hear and give me my opinion. I’m his damn wife. He better be biased. Friends also show an interest in your stuff, or at least pretend to. We aren’t dating anymore. I don’t give a crap about his high score on XBox and he doesn’t give a shit about my recent decoupage project.

I enjoy my friendships because I have a husband to come home to. I enjoy my husband because I have great friends to be myself with. The bottom line is: I can never be friends with my spouse. There are too many factors working against us. Besides, I don’t have sex with my friends and I’m not willing to trade the best fucking, non-love making, mind-blowing sex of my life for friendship. We’re married. Isn’t that good enough!??!!


17 thoughts on “Reheated Leftovers: Like the networks, enjoy the rerun!

  1. “Some of them carry their spouses balls around from time to time, but that’s it” — clearly we were meant to be friends. I have a special itchy wool bag I put my husband’s balls in. From time to time. They’re out for the holiday though, so I need to get back before he puts my ass in a sling…

    Merry Christmas, wiseass.


  2. I know someone will disagree with that, but I’m here to tell you….”I’m right and you’re wrong.”

    You’re crazy! Makes good sense to me though.With best friends, you have those long periods where you may have those fallouts. If you’re married to him/her, that kinda sounds like two separate domiciles or living in the same house and not sharing rooms to have sex. No toss up there.


  3. Glad for the “leftovers.”
    “My husband needs to tell me what I want to hear and give me my opinion.” My wife feels exactly the same way. *he lowers his head in shame* Unfortunately, I so often violate this rule :).

    I have to say that my wife and I are truly best friends – no I am not gay … but I do watch Project Runway … hmmmmm – and hang on a second … yep, penis intact!

    Keep making us laugh, Lorre! 🙂


  4. Holy Funny! Shared on Facebook and Twitter with appropriate warning: If you offend easily, just don’t read.


    You should get a few extra reads outta that one today, though it wasn’t my intent so much as to share your thoughts I share, LOL Still, I can’t help pulling a “dance monkey dance” spin when I think of it, that is… people in motion… so groovy to watch… thanks for sharing you, L, see you soon 🙂


    1. Just don’t let my husband know you’re sharing me. He’ll want some type of compensation.
      Thanks again. As pimps go…you are pretty damn awesome. Just don’t wear any of those tacky suits and feathered hats.


  5. I totally agree. I am a friend to my husband and he to me but we are not FRIENDS. If he just knew half the stuff I spewed, we would not be together today.

    I just read your comment to Tony. I laughed my butt off! Then I got up and moved my trash too. Thank you for leaving a comment for him.


    1. Same here. When I vent to my friends….I VENT. If I wanted my husband to know how I felt, then I’d tell him.

      I didn’t let my husband see the post. I don’t need to hear his excuses. I usually have to take the bag out and put it in the hallway for it to make it to the trailer outside.


  6. Not seeing the sleeping with friends, so not trading either. We are friends, but I have real friends for all the important stuff, like shoe shopping and man-bashing.


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