SO….As this year begins to wind down, I’ve thought about lessons I’ve learned this year from my life and by talking with others. Let me share some of them with you.
DRINKING
- When you continually tell your wife it’s time to leave the party and she gets “one” more drink behind your back, you are negotiating with a drunken person. Take charge and pick her ass off the chair. You might save her from sleeping on the bathroom floor again.
- Light beer does not mean drink double what you normally would.
- Next time you think it’s a good idea to get drunk around kids and tell “funny” stories, just remember…..they aren’t laughing at your stories.
SEX
- It’s fun trying to get pregnant. The mom in me says: “if you are of age and married” because I never did a thing like that out-of-wedlock. (Damn! I just got hit by lightning.)
- Married with kids? Take it when you can get it, despite who is home or if either one of you is in the mood. Sex can be the mood changer!
PARENTING
- Develop a strategy with your kids now because they will decide where you live when you are old and needy.
- It’s okay to say, “Do as I say, not as I do.”, because why should my ten year-old be driving?
- Parenting and friendship don’t mix. It confusing and leads to line crossing, mostly by the grownups. AND…. don’t try and become friends with their friends. It’s creepy at any age and so are moms in jeggings.
RELIGION
- If God is everywhere, then he already knows you missed church. So tell all those busybodies to worry about themselves. You met with God over coffee this morning.
- If it seems like someone has mixed up a big batch of Kool-Aid (bad kind) during the sermon, find a new church.
- It’s okay to discuss religion, despite one’s beliefs, but don’t jam your opinions down one’s throat through a beer bong. This could potentially lead to gagging.
DIET/EXERCISE
- Don’t start a diet around the holidays. That’s just stupid. (I am a dummy for that.)
- Fat-free and calorie free is not the same thing. How’s the scale looking after eating that whole tub of FF ice cream?
- Looking at the exercise equipment for 20 minutes, 3 times a day, is not effective.
- Running your mouth and exercising your right to annoy people burns very few calories.
- It’s not a coincidence that DIET is spelled with the word “DIE”. AND…..EXERCISE is very close to EXORCIST.
EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK
- Don’t use a stripper on your hair…..Not the kind in a bottle and definitely not the kind that gyrates on a pole. They both lead to trouble that’s hard to fix and hard to get out.
- Be true to yourself. Everyone always thinks they know better than you, but really…..they don’t. Well, I do, but they don’t.
- Like a good bra, be supportive of those you love. Nobody wants floppy boobs in their face when making a decision. Well…maybe some of you do.
Articles of Absurdity 
Michael is not opposed to floppy boobs in his face.
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I am not shocked by this.
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While I really like this bit:
It’s okay to say, “Do as I say, not as I do.”, because why should my ten year-old be driving?
This one really pisses me off:
Looking at the exercise equipment for 20 minutes, 3 times a day, is not effective.
Maybe I need to combine the two into: Do as I say, not as I do, for 20 minutes, 3 times a day. That should improve my life immensely, depending on who I say it to.
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Let me know if that works. I’m always up for trying to things.
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Hilarious and true!! Love the food and religion ones especially. I had to switch churches this year because there were a few too many opinions and not quite enough Truths being preached from the pulpit. Sad, because I love the people, but I’ve stayed friends with everyone! Leaving quietly worked well.
And as for those silly low-calorie/fat-free labels? Ugh. Even though I *know* they don’t mean calorie-free, I still eat them like they are, so I have to stay away from them!! My mind is just not smart enough to override the message the label sends. 🙂
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Sometimes leaving is the best way to stay friends with people.
And the fat-free stuff is quite deceiving, isn’t it? I try to wrap my brain around it, but I can’t help myself either.
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Lorre, there is one common trait in all of those problematic subdivisions of things you have cleverly pointed out, a common thread, called a lack of common sense. If one is weak-minded—‘the’ life involved in every one of those categories will be a total disaster.
Simple isn’t it? You have an excellent way of pointing out things everyone should know, but don’t. seem to bother with, they’re more interested in watching idiotic television and wearing blinders, spending money on stupid junk, …and insulting their God-given bodies with junk food and too much booze, not enough sex, being politically correct, mollycoddling their children into selfish, spastic stupidity –and arrogance,– complete with no exercise of the body OR brain….like their idiotic parents, idiotic children become idiotic parents in turn…..nobody ever seems to learn. Amazing.
Great post! Keep doing what you’re doing…change the world one ‘person’ at a time. “:)
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I don’t know about changing the world, but I’ll keep blogging, liked or not.
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Have you been scouring around inside my noodle? From my brain to your pages, woman, so funny, was laughing, laughing, laughing and still am. You are good. As for changing the world, why not? If there are so many of us who won’t stop blogging, no matter what, it’s bound to change something for the better out there… eventually… like you just did by taking a nothing day and suddenly making every “thing” in ours smile 🙂
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Did you feel that? I thought I was being careful roaming around inside your head. Sorry!
I’m glad I could make you laugh and if that is your idea of changing the world….I’ll take part in that. As for anything more lofty, I just don’t want to be that serious here. This is my outlet from that kind of stuff. I might slip up, but hopefully not too often.
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Read twice for good measure. Love this list. Considering printing it to read to some of my …they think at least… friends. Silly people.
Red.
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Please do…..real friends or not.
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Did somebody mention sex?
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It happens.
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Ah I’ve taken a vacation from my no meat diet until 2012. Great tips and I think you’ve covered everything in this list.
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Enough things I guess. No meat! More power to you. I dont’ think I could do that. We are talking about food right?
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Good stuff. I especially like the advice about sex for people married with kids. Also, I like the part about religion. I avoid Kool-Aid at all costs, and never try to force my beliefs down someone else’s throat. If you ask me, I’ll tell you. If you don’t, I won’t. It’s that simple.
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Kool-Aid = Bad
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Lorre, perhaps, okay, it IS some of the funniest stuff I’ve read in the blog realm! I love your sense of humor. Way too many witty lines in this post. Will be stalki…, following your writing often!!! Keep it up. I will spread the Lorre humor whenever possible.
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Be careful who you spread this to, there is no cure. AND….I love stalkers, but only on this site. Real life stalking is kind of creepy and I’d have to feel sorry for anyone who thought stalking me in real life was a good idea. My life is not that exciting.
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Love the first two. You hit them right on.
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Thank you. Thank you very much.
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You are a wise woman! But then I knew that already. Can’t wait to see what 2012 brings.
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I hope good things. I’m banking on the baby making this sleeping through the night thing stick and I really do need to bring out those Barbies.
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