Call waiting and remotes were the big issues when I was growing up. My dad thought those things made us lazy and rude.

In today’s world: I have to teach my child to look someone in the eye when talking to them and hopefully without a cell phone in their hand texting away. I also need to teach them to spell since the phones and computers do that for them. I don’t need to be related to complete dummies.  They need to know they really do have the time to say “laugh out loud” and “best friend forever”.  I blame KFC and IHOP for that crap though.  I have to teach them to shake hands instead of  poking each other on Facebook. I need to show them where the free clinic is in case they later want to poke someone they met on Facebook.

Sexting and porn shots are not viable choices. This is something they need to know if they don’t want Gramma to accidentally get the text or have the pics sent out to the masses when some bastard takes their phone as a prank. I need them to know the immediate gratification that comes from the ability to control live television and instantly access just about anything online, does not translate with humans.  And….good luck getting the truth all the time. Oh wait. That is like the internet.

Also, no one really has 576 friends. I’d hate to send those fucking Christmas cards. “Real” friends don’t call or stop by everyday to say “Yeah. Bob did the dishes. Friday couldn’t come sooner. or Making steak for dinner.” Real friends actually know where you live and visit. They drink all your coffee or liquor, tell you things they wouldn’t tell 575 other people and don’t leave you with carpal tunnel syndrome after chatting them up for a few hours. The carpal could happen with  male friends (with benefits), who jack off during dirty sex talk. This is old school, but never out of style. Also, vibrators are (old technology) allowed.  The spinning ones that light up might as well have a GPS installed. If you need a light than you’ve been around too much you slutty whore.

Real farmers don’t ask their friends to give them gifts and then buy hot air balloons and elephants. Farmville makes real farmers want to go “postal”. This doesn’t happen so much now, thanks to email and bill pay online. I need to teach my kids what a stamp looks like and how writing an actual letter and sending it out, would make them appear amazing. Hey….we are buying you a real dog. That damn pet you have on Webkinz is costing me a fucking fortune.

YouTube is not a replacement for college and the real job market. Kids need to know there really was a job market and there might be one again. Reality television is not reality. No one wants to watch real people doing real shit. Do you want to meet someone? Get the hell out of the house! You don’t need an online dating service if you get off the fucking computer. When the electricity goes off for a few hours, it’s not the end of the world. You will survive.

Cursive is not the same as hieroglyphics. GPS can sometimes reroute you through someone’s home by mistake. Jeggings will go down in history like Members Only jackets and prairie shirts. Skinny jeans on boys look gay. Don’t say gay in that way. It’s offensive. You don’t have the cool mom. We all know the words to the songs and movies you watch. They are crappy remakes.

So go outside and play. It’s what we old folks did before Kinect, Wii and all this gadgetry. Don’t be confused by my actions.  I can embrace technology  because I was already raised old school. I’m allowed to zip through commercials because I have better things to do. I will call you on the intercom system because I need to use my energy elsewhere. I will use the Wii because no one wants to see my fat ass running around outside. Facebook is my guilty pleasure. It allows me to decipher who is sleeping with who and making jabs at each other in code. YouTube allows me to watch videos that were taken away from MTV when the Real World took over. You don’t need a blog because mom has one. I’ve slept longer than you’ve been alive. What do you have to say??!!?? AND……it’s none of your business why my vibrator spins around with lights. When I say it’s a high-tech mixer, then you better believe me.