It started in fourth grade with an anonymous letter

But in a small town, you should’ve known better

You bought me a pretty anklet, from Avon no less

With it a letter, your love to confess

You were a year older and flattered I should be

What a perverted fuck to write you want to lay on top of me

Then another in fifth grade with that stupid winter vest

And why did I need it, I didn’t have breasts

It’s worthless otherwise, to keep anything warm

You said wear it or else, I had been warned

Fuck your Dallas Cowboys vest and your bowl haircut

I’m not wearing that crap, you can kiss my butt

So 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th grade went by

Without a single boyfriend, I could’ve cried

But the fact of the matter, I still had no breasts

The boys wanted my friends with their glorious chests

So I became the pencil, who became one of the guys

I would make everyone laugh, to the point where they’d cry

So in tenth grade I was pleased when this guy wanted to dance

But I didn’t know a thing about highschool romance

I was afraid he would kiss me, so I quickly turned my face

I think he got my cheek, it was such a disgrace

For a month I met him by his locker, we had a couple of chats

But we never did much else and split for lack of contact

Onto eleventh where my I started to blossom

Having some boobs was really quite awesome

But I was so scared of the romance, I went a bit far

First time….in a driveway…..mom caught us…in the car

All excited, he told everyone we had  sex

I’m not sure what he experienced, it wasn’t an event

Twelfth grade brought out the loonies in masses

They were crazy, worthless, immature dumbasses

College opened my eyes to the weirdos that roamed

Like the one who jacked off while talking to his mom on the phone

The polite guy who asked if he could use a bottle if we did it

And the lesbian, knife toting roommate who said all girls want clit

Thank God college was over and I could meet a nice man

Settle down, have a family…at least that was the plan

He cheated and cheated until he cheated some more

He screwed so many women, he couldn’t find more

Divorced that ass and married the “real” man of my dreams

We even have sex…..when the kids are gone, I’m allowed to scream

SIDENOTE: Is it wrong that I’m eating a bag of pepperoni while watching “The Biggest Loser” off my dvr?