The Battle of the Bulge

This is only meant to offend people like me,who bitch and moan about their weight gain, while eating a bag of chips with dip.

       You may be losing the battle if:

  1. you are referring to your ass when you say, “The bulge in your pants”.
  2. you can start a fire by rubbing a stick between your thighs.
  3. your blood type is Crisco.
  4. a cannibal on a budget could buy you cheap as 30/70 packaged human.
  5. your “Daisy Dukes” are supposed to be jammers.
  6. your big fucking breasts make it look like an airbag went off in your shirt. (Also true for porno implants.)
  7. you tell everyone you’re pregnant, but a surrogate, so you don’t actually have to produce a baby.
  8. you are seriously considering gaining a bit more to be on The Biggest Loser.
  9. you tuck your cell phone and car keys in your rolls (and I don’t mean your car) to avoid carrying your purse.
  10. the buffet restaurant requests that you call ahead.
  11. you no longer have a need for ankle socks or turtle necks.
  12. you loosen your pants with a crowbar.
  13. your scale reads ”  I can’t breathe”.

By the way, I’m getting ready to break out the chips and french onion dip. AND….I will think about how much weight I’ve gained as I’m eating. I’ll bitch and complain and talk about working out. It’s a process, but also a cycle I go through. Kind of like my period. Oh yeah….if I look bloated, I’m on that. For six months you ask? Sure. Sounds good to me.

14 thoughts on “The Battle of the Bulge

  1. I’m not fat, I’m just fluffy..We don’t skinny dip, we chunky dunk! I think #7 has got to be my favorite. I damn near choked on my coffee reading this!


  2. Love it. I laughed pretty hard at some of these…cause I could relate. Your hysterical. Thanks for the laughs. Hope ur chips & dip were good. For me it’s chips & salsa. 🙂


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