Living in a small town can be a blessing (but I’m not writing a mushy feel-good blog) and a curse. I grew up in the same little place I live in now. It’s grown through the years, but is still a small community. I credit my parents for my ability not to buy into the bullshit of a small town (and for having a limited accent and a fairly decent vocabulary). Neither one of my parents grew up in a small town, or state. One is from California and one is from Texas. I also have relatives of considerable wealth and borderline poverty, highly educated and completely uneducated…so on and so forth. So………I don’t get easily shocked or mesmerized with issues of money or intellect. I’ve been out of this town, state and country, so I know that this pseudo “Falcon Crest”, is not the end all.

HOW THE SMALL TOWN WORKS:

• Certain people think they are the leaders of the town. It’s usually the people, whose families have lived her for generations and generations,  those who own their own businesses, have a  position in some type of county job or elected office. Let’s not forget  the ones who moved here from somewhere else to pay less in housing. There are some exceptions, like people who managed to rise above it all and not have a stick up their ass. They know they are like everyone else. I won’t be talking about them. Love em’, but….boring. I want to talk about the interesting people where I live. The people who think their shit doesn’t stink and could actually be bottled up and worn as perfume…..they make my stomach turn. I’m sure you are all thinking about people you know right now who fit this description.

• I love the people, who act like they own the town, because they have roots here. I have roots too. I just color them when they start to show (sometimes, it’s a look). If I were these folks, I don’t know if I would brag. “My great, great-grandaddy lived here, then my great-grandaddy, then my granddaddy, then my daddy and now me. I’m gonna stay on this land and raise my family here.” So, what I’m hearing is. “I feel like a big fish in a little pond. I’m gonna  try to hide in the shadow of my ancestors name and reputation.  As long as I can keep talking about who I’m related to and what they’ve accomplished here, maybe no one will notice that I’m a worthless piece of shit, who don’t do jack shit.” ***I’ve heard of people collecting their fingernail clippings too. Does that make every new set is more remarkable than the next? NO!

• Then there are the people who own their own businesses in the community. Wow! That’s great. You get to the be the boss. You get to hire people, making their dreams come true and fire people, shattering those same dreams.  You get to sexually harass your employee and probably get away with it. You get to park a vehicle in your driveway that advertises your business. In the event you fuck up a job and someone wants retribution; you drew them a map, dumbshit. You always take your work home and you have long crappy hours. You have more stress than a whore in a prison yard. Owning a small town business, usually means your prices are too high. Keep your friends snowed, so you have some clients. ***Kudos to you, but a lot of people own their own business, including moms selling sex via the internet. They did it right. Low business costs, great hours, no employees, and probably no vehicle in the driveway advertising what they sell. Although, in their case, it would boost clientele.

• Let’s talk about a small town’s version of the mafia…elected county positions or those having jobs with the county government/school system. Talk about people with a false sense of fucking power and entitlement. If they wore rings, they’d make us kiss them. Associates are encouraged  not to speak ill of these important people and to keep their lips sealed if any wrong doing is exposed. If not, beware. No more job and protection for you. And….if family members of these notorious few fuck up, then it is hidden or little is done. Simple little townsfolk involved in the same wrongdoings, get cement shoes. It’s amazing who can drink and drive, have sex with minors, threaten bodily harm or laugh in the faces of grieving parents in public. All that can be yours if you know or are the right person. Some people use their appointed power in the wrong way and others think they have power they don’t. I’m reminded of a woman I overheard talking once at a party. She said “People better not mess with me. I’ve lived here my whole life and I’m on the PTA.I can ruin lives.” By the looks of her, I’m sure she accomplished that with her husband.  I’ll make sure not to eat the cookies at her next bake sale. ***Snap out of it. You were chosen by the people, not God. You aren’t the almighty Oz and you can’t tell us who really shot Kennedy. You are small town, like the rest of us.

• Then, we have the transplants. They aren’t really small town, they are big city. They just moved to save money on housing. They make sure everyone knows that they have no affiliation with the town at all and are so much better than everyone else. ***An ass is an ass, no matter where you eat your grass.

• Let’s face it. You can’t have leaders without followers. We know them as: back-stabber, gossip, kissass and worshiper. David Koresh would have had a field day with these people.

• Why they back-stab and gossip: 1. They have nothing else to do in their pathetic, fucking lives. 2. They are trying to win the affection of certain leaders and perhaps, overthrow them. Why they kiss ass: 1. They are sad sacks of weak shit. 2. They want to get ahead and they can’t do it on their own merits. 3. OR…They realize some leaders love their asses kissed and they have no pride or dignity, so they comply. Why they worship: 1. They are a dumbass. 2. They actually believe that a little bit of money or a certain job makes a person worthy.

• Small town living can be great, quaint and quiet. BUT……. beware of certain townsfolk. Watch who you talk to, because they love to talk too……..to everyone else about your business. Be mindful of what you look like going out into the public. The latest news will be you are on crack and your husband left you. Sweatpants and no makeup can do that to a person. Watch out for people who are suddenly your friend after a tragedy or good fortune occurs in your life. A lot of clingers and rubber neckers in a small town. They get bored easily and need something and (a lot of times) someone to do. They pretend to care or rejoice, but really, they just need to be in the mix of it all. How else can they backstab, gossip, kissass and worship. Feel free to give them the Kool-aid. The “special” kind though, as mentioned in a previous blog.

IF you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, then you have bigger worries than this blog writer’s outburst. Shame, shame…everyone knows your name. Seriously…..it’s a small town. We all know your name.