Stay Home:  Okay. You get to see your kids more. It just sucks. Why does it suck? Well let’s think about it. Your experience depends on a lot of factors, size of your office space (house) and the number of employees you are in charge of (kids). A smaller space is easier to manage, but hell if you need to get away. Having one employee might mean less trouble and less to deal with, but the extra worker bees are really nice to have around. If one is falling behind, you can get the others to haze them. That also gives you deniability when social services calls. There is no salary for this job, even though you are a party planner, taxi, nurse, maid, tutor, therapist and whore. That’s for the husband of course. Since there is no salary, you can’t be as distinguished and sought after as a call-girl or prostitute. Perhaps, you could barter and upgrade your status. Just remember….sex….just leads to children. Figure out how many employees you really need first. And these employees always expect some type of compensation.

Stay Home and Homeschool Amendment: Moms who home school are super screwed. Now you are the teacher and principal too. No escape from the children. You are completely to blame if they are uneducated.  Much like the public school system. This is definitely a recipe for madness.

Working Outside of Home: At least moms who work outside of the home get to have adult interaction and bring in a salary. They don’t get quite as much time with the kids, but isn’t that the point. Although, you still have to be a party planner for those ladies in the office who keep getting pregnant and the old farts who retire. You are still a taxi, because, although your co-workers aren’t supposed to have a drink at lunch, they do. They have four and you are the responsible one. You have to be the nurse because some poor smuck wants you to stick your hand down his pants when he coughs. You get to be the maid. Somebody has to clean up everyone’s messes. You are the tutor, who teaches every dumbass how to do their job as well as you. You are the therapist for all the guys complaining about their relationships and you get to be the visual whore, because they all like to look.

Absentee Mom: Let’s see. Have sex. Eat whatever you want and have an excuse to get fat. Get a few days in the hospital with a break from work. Go home and forget it all happened. And later…..when your child is all grown up, after one of the above moms raised them…you then claim you are a mom and hope to get some attention and free meals during the holidays. Oh yeah…and borrow some money.

Disclaimer: This is not intended to please anyone who is a mom, including myself.