If I Only FoundThis Sooner………….


I was going through some old papers of mine and I found a cocktail napkin my now ex-husband gave to me the night we met. I thought it was to put my drink on. He wrote his number on it so I took it home. I just realized he wrote a note on the back. Damn….that would have saved me a lot of time.

Listen. I’m telling you a bunch of
bullshit about myself right now so you’ll be into me and think I’m great.
Nothing that I’m saying is even remotely true and it never will be. I’m a
sociopath. In a short amount of time I’m going to tell you that I love you
because it’s a good way to get sex and I can tell you don’t want to live with
your parents anymore.  We are going to get
married because I basically want someone to throw me a free drunk fest and lavish
me with free gifts. We will have a horrible time within months of getting
married because I am extremely vain. I also think I’m Irish and use that as an
excuse to drink heavily. In addition, I’m secretly a serial cheater. I’d say it’s
because I’m irresistible, but we all know I’m just an asshole with low
self-esteem. I’m going to continue cheating during our marriage because I’m a
slimy pig. I will make up elaborate lies about where I am and what I’m doing
because I don’t have the balls to tell you the truth. Weak sons of bitches do
that. And yes…I am actually calling my mom a bitch. You won’t do anything
wrong, but she’ll hate you because you were born. It’s hard to be nice when you
have a stick up your ass. I’ll also complain about everyone in life being
against me because I’m better than them and they are jealous. In reality, I’m
just a whiny little sissy. You will finally see me for the worthless piece of
nothing that I am and leave my sorry ass. That’s when I will beg and cry and
pretend to love you more than I love myself. You’ll keep going find a real man
who is a great husband and father. Within a month….I will meet a new victim and
pull the same crap. Oh….did I mention we will have two kids, so I’ll be a thorn
in your side for a very long time. So…..do you want me to buy you another
drink?

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