• “Oh….you don’t have to do that right now.  (Long Pause) You can do it later.” This is mostly a spouse to spouse thing.  I love that they give permission for you to do work at a later time. Screw helping you! They have more important things to do.
• “You aren’t fat. Your metabolism is just slow”. Hey….thanks for the heads up. I feel so much better now that you reminded me it’s going to be harder to lose the weight.
• “You look good to me.” So what you’re saying is….I’m an ugly ass bitch and everyone knows it.
• “You aren’t a bitch. You’re just you.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? So, in other words, my name is a synonym for bitch!
• “You aren’t a bad parent. You could just do better.” Usually….people don’t tell good parents they need to improve. Have you called social services yet?
• “It’s not you. It’s me.” and “You’re too good for me.” Seriously…..If it were you, then your ass would have been dumped a long time ago. I love the too good for me line. We all want better. That’s the bullshit they spin when they have “someone better” waiting in the wings.
• “At least you’ll save money on groceries.” Now this one is exactly what I said to my father when my mom left him. I was nine and thought it was helpful. It wasn’t.
• “You aren’t what I expected.” So….what did you expect  you judgemental ass? I guess I should be grateful that I exceeded your low expectations.
• “It could be worse.” Well…not helpful because we both know it could be a hell of a lot better.

I think there are some other things out there that could be said to make even more people feel better.

• “You aren’t a whore slut. You’re just super friendly.”
• “You aren’t a drunk. You just like the taste of alcohol.”
• “You aren’t bad in bed.  I just have a nervous laugh.”
• “Your cooking is awesome. I just forgot I was on a diet.”
• “You aren’t stupid. You’re just conserving air.”
• “You aren’t too big. You’re clothes are too small.”
• “You aren’t ugly. You just look better in the moonlight.”