So…..I have been going through all my papers and I found a lot of very bitter crap. What a shocker! I found a poem or song…I’m really not sure . I’m assuming I wrote this during one of my sucky first marriage moments. I have a separate blog for poetry and short stories, but this just seemed to fit more on this blog.

Stupid bitch, stupid bitch

It’s your fault for believing that shit

You got the itch..had to have true love

Didn’t care that he wasn’t enough

You had your dreams

He had his escape

You kept giving and he would take

“I told you so” doesn’t seem to be enough

So damn blind in the name of love

You sit at home and wait for the phone

Stupid bitch…..stupid bitch

You are so damn stupid

Remember this

Here you are all alone

Nothing left, but an empty home

Suck it up…..you’re to blame

Gave your heart, it’s a crying shame

Stop crying…there’s no time

Life can’t wait  ’cause love is blind

Thinking…give it another try

Then you deserve to cry

Get cozy with the lies

Next time you get that itch

Remember…don’t be a stupid bitch

 This poem or whatever…proves that self loathing does not work. Afterall, I believe I stayed in that relationship for more years to come. I suffered from that horrific itch over and over again. I thought it was love, but now I know it was more than likely an STD passed on from all his lady friends.  I finally found that special cream to get that creepy itch to go away. I found it between sections “You screw more than a construction worker” and  “You tell more stories than hollywood”.

I have to laugh because I also found a brainstorming list  to a book I never wrote. Based on the contents,  I wrote it after meeting this man  and was so blinded with “love” that I thought I knew something about romance worth sharing.

So here it is with  my response to my 24-year-old self.

• The Search (what to look for, what to avoid, where to go, where not to go, what to wear and how to behave)
• Search Over? (how do you know, saying I love you, making the committment, engagement, planning wedding, reception, honeymoon, life forever)

First…I had to wipe the vomit off my shirt after typing and rereading this garbage. I seriously didn’t partake in drugs, but I sure sound like I’m high.

My mom was never around to give me advice and quite frankly, ill-equipped to do so. I can only think about what I would tell my own daughter, who is nine, and hopefully a long way from any type of romantic relationship.