So…..I have been going through all my papers and I found a lot of very bitter crap. What a shocker! I found a poem or song…I’m really not sure . I’m assuming I wrote this during one of my sucky first marriage moments. I have a separate blog for poetry and short stories, but this just seemed to fit more on this blog.
Stupid bitch, stupid bitch
It’s your fault for believing that shit
You got the itch..had to have true love
Didn’t care that he wasn’t enough
You had your dreams
He had his escape
You kept giving and he would take
“I told you so” doesn’t seem to be enough
So damn blind in the name of love
You sit at home and wait for the phone
Stupid bitch…..stupid bitch
You are so damn stupid
Here you are all alone
Nothing left, but an empty home
Suck it up…..you’re to blame
Gave your heart, it’s a crying shame
Stop crying…there’s no time
Life can’t wait ’cause love is blind
Thinking…give it another try
Then you deserve to cry
Get cozy with the lies
Next time you get that itch
Remember…don’t be a stupid bitch
This poem or whatever…proves that self loathing does not work. Afterall, I believe I stayed in that relationship for more years to come. I suffered from that horrific itch over and over again. I thought it was love, but now I know it was more than likely an STD passed on from all his lady friends. I finally found that special cream to get that creepy itch to go away. I found it between sections “You screw more than a construction worker” and “You tell more stories than hollywood”.
I have to laugh because I also found a brainstorming list to a book I never wrote. Based on the contents, I wrote it after meeting this man and was so blinded with “love” that I thought I knew something about romance worth sharing.
So here it is with my response to my 24-year-old self.
The Search (what to look for, what to avoid, where to go, where not to go, what to wear and how to behave)
Search Over? (how do you know, saying I love you, making the committment, engagement, planning wedding, reception, honeymoon, life forever)
First…I had to wipe the vomit off my shirt after typing and rereading this garbage. I seriously didn’t partake in drugs, but I sure sound like I’m high.
My mom was never around to give me advice and quite frankly, ill-equipped to do so. I can only think about what I would tell my own daughter, who is nine, and hopefully a long way from any type of romantic relationship.
The Search (what to look for, what to avoid, where to go, where not to go, what to wear and how to behave)……..Don’t look at all. Once you start looking for something, even if you never had it before, you begin to feel a loss. Then you become increasing desperate as time goes on and you don’t find love. You look towards people and things to fill the void. You become a whore, an alcoholic, a drug addict…or worse…hooked on reality television. You begin to act like a frantic crazy person. You stop practicing good hygiene and you try to come back home to live with your parents. Don’t look. Let love find you. what to avoid…..Avoid anyone who lives in anyone’s basement. Don’t get hooked up with anyone who has someone else (mommy) paying their bills. Stay away from anyone who wears an overwhelming amount of cologne. There is something present worth covering up and you don’t want to find out what that is. Momma’s boys seem sweet, but they will suck the life out of you. First, their mother will never accept you. You will always be a trashy, stupid bitch, and this I know from experience. Second, you will become their new momma. I hope you like doing everything for your man, because aside from wiping their ass, which you will probably do later, you will be their domestic slave. Bypass any man who thinks they are prettier than you. That’s just plain wrong. where and where not to go…… Basically, avoid the crack houses. Of course….if you are there, then you must be on crack too and you would deserve a crack companion. If you get on crack…you are on your own. No advice for you! what to wear and how to behave….Wear clothes and keep them on. Don’t be a stupid bitch.
Search Over? (how do you know, saying I love you, making the committment, engagement, planning wedding, reception, honeymoon, life forever)……..This section is easier. how do you know….You don’t know. You never know until one of you screws up royally. Then based on what was done and if the injured party stays……you know. saying I love you…..Unless you know several different languages that your partner understands….I suggest just saying it, but in person. Don’t try to tweet, email, call, pass a note or go through a friend. Also, don’t say it when either of you are drunk or during or after sex. Buzz Kill! making the committment and the engagement…..Don’t pick a wedding date that is a holiday or already significant to you in any way. It will only piss you off if you end up getting a divorce. Don’t go into debt getting a ring either. It’s not worth it. Matching t-shirts are a much better deal. planning wedding, reception and honeymoon…..Spend what you like sweetie. The father of the bride has to pick up that tab. As far as the honeymoon goes……I don’t want to know. life forever…..Unless you are going to end up in some cryogenic lab, there is no forever. Just remember this: If it doesn’t work out, my door is always open to very short-term visits.