Long ago in a small little town. There were 3 kids whispering and giggling because the word sex was overheard by them. The children were asked if they knew what sex was. After much silly debate, they decided it was when a man and women were close together. I began to think……if that were true, then I am a big sleazy cheater. Just within the last month I’ve had sex (per the kids definition) with several different retail/grocery cashiers, the children’s pediatrician, the DirecTV guy and some unknowns at the YMCA. I never thought to ask anyone if they were wearing protection. It’s going to be tough getting all those paternity tests done if I wind up pregnant. I will say this. If this was how sex happened, then we could save a lot of money on clothes, hair, jewelry and makeup. The guys wouldn’t have to spring for any dinners (foreplay to them) or movies. On the downside, it would be hard to stay faithful unless you stayed locked up in the house all day and the dry cleaning bills would be enormous. I mean….the kids never said the clothes were off. Side thought: Wouldn’t we all be in jail for various public indecencies?
- “Oh….you don’t have to do that right now. (Long Pause) You can do it later.” This is mostly a spouse to spouse thing. I love that they give permission for you to do work at a later time. Screw helping you! They have more important things to do.
- “You aren’t fat. Your metabolism is just slow”. Hey….thanks for the heads up. I feel so much better now that you reminded me it’s going to be harder to lose the weight.
- “You look good to me.” So what you’re saying is….I’m an ugly ass bitch and everyone knows it.
- “You aren’t a bitch. You’re just you.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? So, in other words, my name is a synonym for bitch!
- “You aren’t a bad parent. You could just do better.” Usually….people don’t tell good parents they need to improve. Have you called social services yet?
- “It’s not you. It’s me.” and “You’re too good for me.” Seriously…..If it were you, then your ass would have been dumped a long time ago. I love the too good for me line. We all want better. That’s the bullshit they spin when they have “someone better” waiting in the wings.
- “At least you’ll save money on groceries.” Now this one is exactly what I said to my father when my mom left him. I was nine and thought it was helpful. It wasn’t.
- “You aren’t what I expected.” So….what did you expect you judgemental ass? I guess I should be grateful that I exceeded your low expectations.
- “It could be worse.” Well…not helpful because we both know it could be a hell of a lot better.
I think there are some other things out there that could be said to make even more people feel better.
- “You aren’t a whore slut. You’re just super friendly.”
- “You aren’t a drunk. You just like the taste of alcohol.”
- “You aren’t bad in bed. I just have a nervous laugh.”
- “Your cooking is awesome. I just forgot I was on a diet.”
- “You aren’t stupid. You’re just conserving air.”
- “You aren’t too big. You’re clothes are too small.”
- “You aren’t ugly. You just look better in the moonlight.”
1987 (Highschool Humor)
Tom, Dick, Harry and Jane
All ran in for it began to rain
Running quickly came good old spot
To keep us busy he brought some pot
Throughout the evening Jane was eyed
By each and every stick man guy
Jane got mad ’cause she couldn’t choose
Neither Tom, Dick or Harry wanted to lose
Branch-like limbs began to fly
In horror Jane began to cry
Broken arms and legs were piled like logs
“Oh no!” said Jane, “What have I caused?”
Then came Spot who was happy and free
“Hey Jane! It looks like it’s just you and me.”