Jeremie Mouithsone: Who?


SO……Here is a letter I received in my inbox last night.

 

Hello,

My name is Jeremie Mouithsone, I’m launching a guys and girl’s go-to magazine for everything from the coolest new sex advice to the most powerful sexual attraction tips; our aim is arm men and women with the tools to create and live a better sex life, and have more fun doing it.

(OKAY……I googled his name and found a lot. A lot of stuff he created for himself, to promote who knows what, with no follow through. His public Facebook page has a lovely “going to prom” pic though.)

Objectives:

The primary objectives of Sexthismonth magazine will be to provide readers with personalize tips and advice related to their sexual experiences (If they already had it, then isn’t it too late? I don’t think these situations are suited for armchair quarterbacking.), in order to help them achieve the following goals:
Create the sexual experience they desire and deserve.
Eliminate sexual barriers that may be holding them back. (Like a family and kids?)
Providing them with ways to not only enjoy, but adore their bodies, as well their partner’s bodies. (TIP: Don’t look at yourself in dressing room mirrors. For that matter….Just don’t look. Lights out and blindfold on. You’d be amazed how great your partner will look.)
Harmonize, and as well as creating sparks back into relationships and marriages.

The magazine website is under development as we speak: www.sexthismonth.com

(The shell of a site does exist.)

First publication: January 1, 2013/ digital version.

We are looking for contributors for the upcoming magazine and its website, and because of your expertise we would like to ask if you’ll consider joining our contributors team. We’ve had a look at your work, and feel that your expertise would make for a great submission!

(I would love to know what expertise he believes I have. You know…..He must have talked to my Indian friend about our sexual conversation. Perhaps my expertise involves yelling expletives at solicitors on the phone. That is hot! BUT……He said he has looked at my work. I’m pretty sure my husband took those pics off of YouTube.)

Below is a short explanation of why you should join our contributors team.

Why join the team:

The site will grow fast and your contribution will give you a good exposure, as your contents is seen by millions of people. Our aim is to provide users with personalize and high quality articles everyday and we need your help to make this a reality.

(WELL…..Although your language skills are amazing, and the exposure you are offering is tempting, I don’t think I would be able to provide millions of people with personalize articles. That’s a lot of personalize to do.)

 

Were will the magazine be first seen by readers?

The magazine will first be release online (digital version) and via the following channels.
At our website: http://www.sexthismonth.com
iPhone
iPad
www.magzeter.com
www.magcloud.com (Awesome…..I created a magazine when I was twelve. I published (in my home with notebook paper/pencil/crayon) 3 issues, which I sold for a nickel and that was just to read them. I still have them. Maybe I’ll publish them and give you some healthy competition.)

http://www.issuu.com

One of the above channels will provide readers with an option of getting a print version of the issue they’re willing to purchase.

 

Benefits of Joining the team:
Your article will be featured for readers to see. (I suppose if they print it out, they could also use my article for toilet tissue.)
You can promote your own portfolio, website, along with your biography in the Author Information box at the end of each post, in both website and its monthly publication. (Hmmmmmm……You sure know how to tempt a girl.)
You’ll have an opportunity to both own our company shares, and a monthly salary as soon as the magazine start generating revenue. (SO……I see there is an opportunity in the future for me to PAY you for some shares. Sounds like a solid investment. OH…..And how awesome a salary would be, but the magazine has to generate revenue. I wonder when you’ll decide that will be??!!??)

Our aim is to create a focus-oriented strategy for all contents, which will give you an opportunity to become an expert in a particular field in the long-term. ( I thought I was an expert already? So you’re saying, If I have a focus-oriented strategy for my content, then I will become an expert in a particular field and long-term. IF that’s the case, I think I should write about medicine or law. There’s a lot more money to be had once I’m a medical or legal expert.)

 

What’ll be included in each articles:
Full Name / First Name: depending what you prefer to be know as. (I prefer to sign things CHUMP.)
Web site URL: you don’t have to have a website, you can link to your twitter or any other social media account
Bio: a short piece of text describing who you are and what you do.
Gravatar: if you don’t have a gravatar you should sign up, its a free service that will benefit any posts or comments you make, and show a small picture of yourself so readers can easily identify you.

What kind of content are we looking for?
Sexual, Erotic, romance articles that readers will always remember. (I can’t remember all my sexual experiences, but you think someone will remember an article on sex?)
Foods and meals that boost sexual desires. (Lots of alcohol.)
Sport tips that boost sexual desires. (Ass slapping! Oh wait…..athletes already do that, but I don’t think it turns them on, or does it?)
Fashion for sexual attraction (T-shirts that say: “I’m an easy lay.” or “I’m on the pill.” or “I’m still a virgin.” AND……for women…..”I have a job.” or “I promise to remember your name.” or “I’m not married.”)
sex tutorials, and more. (Those are in my private collection.)

When will the first issue be published?
The first publication is schedule for January 1, 2013, whiele we’re working on its website. With that being, in order to get more understand our what our audience needs (I thought they needed sex stuff.)
and want may look like in the futre we’ll therefore release a mini version of the first issue latest August 31, 2012. This means, we’ll need you to provide with your contribution latest June 15, should you decide to proceed. (Oh crap, it looks like you sent me this email 5 days too late. I can’t believe I’m going to miss out on this great opportunity. I can’t submit something to you, have you possibly post it, tell me there are tons of subscribers ready to buy in January and then ask me for money to buy some shares. Meanwhile…..This thing never sees the light of day and I lose my money. Damn…..I really wish I could be on this gravy train.)

Contribution timetable:
And below are some of the options we think my might work best for the both of us:
1. One article per month for the magazine issue delivered to me by the 15 of the month, every month, 800 words per article.
2. One articles per month delivered on an agreed date for the website, 1000 words per article every month.

We would send you an agreement for you to sign as soon as we have your final say. (I have seen your twitter and MySpace page and all the other stuff you opened for yourself. You are too much like the mighty OZ. I don’t think we run in the same circles and I’m not good at the hamster wheel……….SO………..I’ll have to decline. I wouldn’t want to bring the quality of your ventures to an all-time low.)

Thank you again for consedering being part of the team and we definitely look forward to working with you! ( That’s flattering. You may want to check out your FB page though. It seems that someone isn’t too happy to be working with you. He wants his money back for some ads and so do his friends. It sucks to have trouble in paradise so early on. That’s the price you pay when you are a media mogul.)

Wishing you all the best,
Jeremie Mouithsone

(Wishing you the best too. Can I have some spam with that?)

Teen Pregnancy: Brilliance or Dumbass Mistake?


Here I am, 42 years old with a 20 month old. When he’s 18, I’ll be……well…….old. My energy is not what it once. SO…..I was thinking about those teen moms.

  • You have something interesting to post on Facebook.
  • You get to go shopping for more clothes.
  • Easy to lose weight and get girlie figure back.
  • If parents willing
    • room and board (you and child)
    • continue education
    • free child care
    • can pass the buck
  • Lot’s of energy to play with your child.
  • You will be super stoked to get your license and won’t care you have to drive them around.
  • You can help them with schoolwork since they won’t be far behind.
  • Someone close in age to hang with (you will still embarrass them).
  • Pretty much gone when you are 35 or so……

 

Hmmmmmmm? I’d say those girls were onto something, but let’s face it…….they only thing they were onto was a guy’s unwrapped noodle. I wonder if the money saved in condoms was less than the child support? Hmmmmmmmmm? Yep! Dumbass Mistake!

You could’ve done worse.


Mother’s Day is right around the corner and for some, that might bring dread.  It could be your mom, mother-in-law or even a grandmother you recognize or force yourself to visit on this day.  For those who think their “maternal” person is annoying, smothering, lacking maternal instinct, downright embarrassing, the direct spawn of Satan and so much more…….WELL……Let’s see if we can turn that around for you. Maybe she’s not as bad as you thought.

The following mothers (meant both ways), might get the prize for Most Annoying, Most Smothering, Most Heartless, Most Embarrassing, Most Likely the spawn of Satan and so much more.

Mary Kay Letourneau

Joan Crawford

Martha Stewart

Courtney Love

Britney Spears

Thomas Beatie

Place pic here if your

“maternal” one makes

the cut.

Blocked to death!


It’s a tragedy folks. I’ve been blocked on Facebook. It seems my elimination of friends from my overgrown list, met with some feelings of betrayal for some. Needless to say, the majority of the 95 people I cut, didn’t seem to mind, and they probably haven’t even noticed. BUT……Since I hurt some to the point where they blocked me, I feel an apology letter is in order, to them and anyone getting ready to do the same.

Dear Blocker:

I’m so sorry that I dared to defriend you. I guess I misread the signs of our relationship. You never called me. You never came to visit. You never invited me to visit. We never hung out. You never emailed me. You haven’t communicated with me on Facebook. You clearly have no interest in me as a person. I guess it never occurred to me, that someone who doesn’t wish to be a friend in “real life”, would want to be a friend in “virtual life”. How ignorant of me. Obviously, my decision has cut you to the core, causing you immense pain.

And now, I have been blocked. You showed me and now I suffer. I can never search your name. I will never be able to see your photo shoot quality profile picture. I will never be able to see who our mutual friends are, so that I can secretly quiz them on your status. I already regret our parting. AND……Worst of all, I won’t be able to view your fascinating comments on our mutual friend’s walls. I will miss the days of seeing “OMG. I wish it wasn’t Monday.” and “OMG. I’m so glad it’s Friday.”

It’s hard to hold back the tears, but I will manage somehow. Farewell stranger in life, and unknown bestie in “virtual life”. BUT wait………doesn’t that kind of make you a my stalker? OR……Are you so consumed with yourself that you think everyone else should be too? Isn’t blocking after a defriending kind of like putting on two condoms.  BUT…….I guess you just want to make sure no one gets through. I can’t believe I defriended someone as smart as you. I will regret that decision forever or until I’m done with this post. Whichever comes first.

Good luck in your “virtual life”.

Sincerely,

Defriender

Coffee Love


I have to have it every morning.

            Sometimes I take a break

                           from work just to have it

                  again. Morning, noon, or

 night. The time doesn’t

                 even matter. It makes me

                              feel so alive. I can’t help

                                                 myself. It’s hot, dark, and

                                 incredibly rich. I can’t

               stop wanting a cup

Haiku Sunday: Easter


Easter is now here

Christ and egg hunts do not mix

Candy cross children?

We missed church today

The kids do not understand

Bunnies rule today

Let’s celebrate life

With yellow marshmallow chicks

For death we roast them

Thanks for the rise dude

Hallmark is your biggest fan

You should make them tithe

Don’t Read This Blog


Don’t read this blog. I don’t deserve your time

I’ve become quite lazy and can’t seem to give up mine.

Have I read anyone else or commented at all?

Hell no. I’m a selfish bitch and that’s not all.

I’ve received a few awards from lovely bloggers.

I haven’t followed through. I’m an award hogger.

Worse than that, I’m a hoarder of blogger stuff.

Everyone I follow is in Google Reader. It’s piling up.

If Google collapses, you can blame that on me.

I’m sure Occupy is my fault too and maybe some STDs.

I truly am sorry I’ve become such a fucking lazy ass.

Buying this car, but I can’t put in the gas.

I promise to visit when I am willing and able.

When I’m done being a jackass, if we must give it a label.

Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

This has been proven false. I’m a bad blog whore.

Whores get around and I can’t even manage to tease

I’ll spread my blog legs soon and get back to spreading comment disease.

It’s my birthday…..almost.


On March 27th,  I will be an older (hopefully better) version of myself, at 42 years old, which is ancient to some of you and quite babyish to others. I’ve decided to take a look back in my movie-making mind, to see what I have learned during the past year of my life. I realize that I am a few days ahead of schedule, but I promise to post anything new that I happen to learn between now and my actual birthday.

These are things I’ve learned through doing, observing or let’s face it, overheard gossip, which has to be true at least 3% of the time. With a percentage like that, I’d be a fool not to include such information. I will be using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to help me keep my thoughts slightly straight.

PHYSIOLOGICAL

Breathing is good, unless you are standing by your ex at your kid’s soccer match. Not for nothing, but a little Febreeze could go a long way to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.

No matter how much I learn about food for health and energy…I can’t help thinking it’s main value is as a comfort food. My friend “The Elliptical Nazi” makes the best comfort “dip”. AND….Drink more water, even though it’s totally boring.

Always practice safe sex. Being safe when married means having it only with your spouse. So far, so good.

Sleep is my friend, who didn’t visit as often as I would’ve liked. Bedtimes are good for all age groups. Also, there is no such thing as beauty sleep. Although, I have slept so little before, that others do seem more attractive.

Continue to sweat and shiver for homeostasis purposes and never withhold excretions. WHOA! That went down the wrong road folks, but I guess it all helps keep us balanced. By the by, I’m not interested in anyone who is interested in my sex life. Oh yeah….no need to tell me about yours either.

SAFETY

I will continue to wear shoes without a pointy heel. I won’t run down a steep hill unless no one is watching. I will not use a rubber band to close my pants unless I want to poke someone’s eye out. And no, it didn’t happen that way!

I will continue to stay unemployed so I won’t fear losing my job. Child support is not a paycheck!

Morality: This is for another blog.

I will continue to pin my children’s psychological profiles on their clothing to avoid kidnappings. I will continue to follow all health warnings on the alcohol bottles. We will develop more weapons of mass destruction to avoid intruders. In case you are reading this Mr. President, I’m kidding. Please do not assign troops to my front lawn. Although…..do they babysit?

LOVE/BELONGING

You really can count your true friends on one hand. If your “friend” continually asks you for favor after favor, makes excuses for broken promise after broken promise, they are not your true friend. Mean girls and bad boys exist at any age. If someone says unkind things about you before they decide to be your friend, it won’t work out.

Family is what you make it and it doesn’t always involve blood lines. Children are gifts from God that were purchased on clearance. Clearance items cannot be returned or exchanged.

Sexual intimacy is not the same as copping a feel. The real thing can never compare to what you imagine, so stop making up shit in your head. Even Hollywood is full of smoke and mirrors. If you feel the need to go elsewhere, than you might as well keep going.

ESTEEM

Keep telling yourself you are better than others. It’s a real self-esteem booster. Get a scale that works or at least weighs in your favor. Being old(er) is no excuse for not being one “hot momma” or “daddy”.

Respect others by ignoring people on Facebook, who keep posting stupid shit, that way you won’t be tempted to write something disrespectful. Respect yourself by not buying into everyone else’s bullshit, especially when it starts screwing with your life. R U N! Respect yourself by Understanding it’s Nonsense!

SELF-ACTUALIZATION

I accept the fact, with prejudice, that I am not spontaneous, but I am somewhat creative, which solves a lot of problems for me. For example: Someone wrote me a letter explaining how wonderful they were and how that made it okay to screw my family over. With great prejudice, due to earlier tale spinning, I solved this problem by planning out in great detail a perfect paper airplane made from this letter, which will hopefully meet it’s target soon and clog up the source of all the ass smoke being blown around. Did I mention I put a few staples in to get the “point” across.

It is possible to rearrange your living room at least 20 times without moving the couch.

Why wash the walls and trim when you can just paint over them?

I accept the fact that I am not done dealing with crappy people in my life.

SOCIAL NETWORKS/TECHNOLOGY

I am going out on a limb here. If only Maslow knew then…….

PHYSIOLOGICAL: Make sure you break from it long enough to eat and sleep.

SAFETY: Technology is good and evil. It’s easier to connect to people, but it’s also easier to be a victim, so be smart when using the internet and watch what you divulge.

LOVE/BELONGING: Don’t use social networks when drunk. You will regret what you post. Trust me. I’ve seen the comments and pics……..not your proudest moment. “Real” relationships exist in person. Stop using the internet to have sexual intimacy with others. Innocent comments are never that innocent.

ESTEEM: People interpret things anyway they like on social networks. There are a lot of delusional and paranoid people out there. Don’t let their fucked up interpretations, comments or toddler actions get to you. The internet brings out the bully in many weak people.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION: Never get your “facts” from Wiki-anything. Know that a lot of what is posted is with prejudice. The internet will never breed morality. Be creative with technology, but remember to live a “real” life as well.

 

Hear the bullhorn? There’s a hypocrite coming your way.


Let’s get started on today’s lesson students. Pencils down and eyes up front.

Definition of HYPOCRITE

1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hypocrite)

************************************************************************

After talking with others and pulling from my own experiences, it seems clear that hypocrites are actually quite easy to spot if you put your mind forward and tell your naïve heart to take a nap.

Where do they hide? The answer is they don’t. Hypocrites love being seen and heard. They are usually the most vocal and most social out of any human species. Not unlike children dressing up for Halloween, hypocrites use many tools to mask who they are. It’s a survival mechanism if you will, and a way to convince others, and perhaps themselves, that they are better than they are.

The most popular hangouts for hypocrites are church and political arenas. Be on high alert when entering either realm. BUT…..they don’t simply congregate in those places. You will find them in places that promote a high level of human interaction. They do not shy away from the public eye, which is no longer limited to television, due to the popularity of social media. This has become the latest and greatest stomping ground of the hypocrite. They are also people collectors. Now, this doesn’t mean they have a lot of close friends or companions. It just means, they have a wider audience to spin their web with. The more fish in the barrel, the more likely you’re going to catch something.

Besides the church and political system, keep an eye and ear out in these areas: school system, sales, healthcare, beauty salons, public do-gooders, social media sites (especially dating), bars, and families (spouses and outspoken relatives), with reunions being a hotspot for hypocrisy.

Idioms that come to mind:

  • “protest too much”
  • “Actions speak louder than words.”
  • “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Hypocrites preach loudly and often about what is deemed acceptable behavior. They “protest too much”, which is a tool to mask their true nature. Always know that anyone can throw words at you, but “actions speak louder” and are the true indicator of the person. These things go hand in hand. Examples:

  • Cheaters usually voice their opinions the most about loyalty. They are also the most jealous in a relationship. They are more passionate about it than most, yet are usually the ones secretly cheating. 
  • Individuals who strongly portray themselves as true/great Christians, are usually the first ones to cast judgment and to treat people in a way that God would frown upon.
  • Politicians want your vote based on their honesty and family values. After, they go home to their secret significant other and even love children. Oh yeah. They pay for this hidden secret by skimming the “money” pot.
  • Money grubbers hate being screwed over financially and bitch often that someone owes them money and how dare they: go out to dinner, buy an appliance or get their hair done, when that money is owed to them. Yet, these same people value money so much, they have no problem holding on to yours instead of doing the right thing.
  • Fakers, who put on their dating site that they are athletic and enjoy outdoor activities, but what they really mean is: they run from the law. Literally, they run on foot and are outdoors. Perhaps that’s just an omission though??!!??
  • Sad socials, who send Christmas letters or Facebook updates on how blessed their life is and rub news of crazy vacations and having lots of money in people’s faces, but really, their life is pretty dysfunctional and they’re miserable. Complete omissions in this case would be preferable. You want to garnish sympathy if it becomes public, not pity because you are, indeed, “pathetic”.

If only a hypocrite would be honest and admit they don’t “do as they say”, then they wouldn’t be a hypocrite at all. They’d just be an honest asshole.

Mystery of conception……duh!


I  can’t resist. I heard some people talking about the magic and mystery of conception. Now…I’m not going to get into a religious, spiritual or physiological discussion here. I do have some theories though. Bear with me. This can get complicated.

How did this happen? Someone:

  • fucked
  • got laid
  • copulated
  • had sexual intercourse
  • screwed
  • shagged
  • made love

The true mystery is not how this happened, but why this happened.

Why did this happen?

  • Too embarrassed to buy condoms.
  • Took your pill, but thought that meant vitamins or Ecstasy.
  • For a moment, you thought having a kid in highschool would be cool, like having a miniature dog in your purse.
  • Hell….you can’t even remember who.
  • Because __(fill in drink of choice)__
  • Someone double dogged dared you
  • You wanted kids. BORING!
  • Tax deduction. SMART!
  • Child Labor at Home. SMARTER!
  • To save a relationship. With kids? Wow, did you take a wrong turn.
  • You weren’t thinking.
  • Your religion tells you to procreate….a lot. This is great for you, because you also say God will provide. I don’t have sex to procreate, I guess that’s why my husband has to work.
  • Someone said you’d make a crappy parent. Proving em’ wrong are we? How’s that working out?
  • Everyone else was doing it.

I hope I was able to shed some light on some of the mystery, at least for one person out there. I can’t promise great, life-changing or factual results, but I’ll be happy to help with any further mysteries you bring to my attention.

Just in case: This is for humor purposes only and not intended to hurt anyone.