Fired Up On Facebook


There can’t possibly be that many problems without solutions. Who has the last copy of Problem Solving for Dummies book? I think we’re gonna need it.

FIRED UP:
I just read this from a mother of a 6-year-old boy.
"I still pray every night for him to be free of Down Syndrome, that is one of my duties as his parent and guardian."
Maybe she should be praying for a more loving, compassionate and accepting heart.

Oz may be a movie, but flying monkeys exist in human form. REALIZE: They lack power, as long as you know they’re just cymbal banging, teeth-grinning creatures, whose only purpose is to make noise.

Photo: Oz may be a movie, but flying monkeys exist in human form. REALIZE: They lack power, as long as you know they're just cymbal banging, teeth-grinning creatures, whose only purpose is to make noise.

Waiting for a sign is just a different way of saying: "I’m too scared to make the decision I know I need to, so I’m waiting for something to happen in order to justify it."

Don’t feel sorry for individuals with special needs or their families.They know what it is to have strength.
If you must: Feel sorry and pray for people who pretend to care about them while patronizing and judging behind their backs. They are weak.

"It’s complicated. It’s a process. (blah, blah, blah)"
FACT: Some things are quite simple and don’t need to be drawn out. A bit of common sense, decency and intellect travel far.
BUT: We like to hear ourselves talk, admire our place and/or be the paperwork martyr. All the while, turning people into wordy diagnoses that we shove in a prelabeled box we call "A Plan".
**Gotta go put my little diagnoses to bed. I hope he doesn’t do anything to defy his label. It’s such a hassle to get a new box out. And Sharpies are expensive.**

Someone got dementia in the divorces, but it wasn’t me.


Due to distractions, I wasn’t going to write anything tonight,  but I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes a situation or a person with a narcissistic personality disorder warrants a post to be born. In this case, it would be the latter.

To celebrate my anniversary I posted Jodie Foster inspired me.  It seems that one of the spouse-no-mores, (you know) was very troubled by my words.

YOUR VERSION OF REALITY: 

  • You claim to have found the link to this off one of our Facebook pages (1st fucking lie).
  • You said you only knew about the blog because one of the kids reads it (2nd fucking lie). 
  • You said the post was about you (3rd fucking lie or 1st delusion).
  • You  claim that everyone is reading my blog (2nd delusion). Can you make that happen?
  • Then, you called me demented (4th fucking lie, 3rd delusion and a total ignorance for vocabulary).

ACTUAL REALITY:

  • I rarely link one of these posts  to  a personal Facebook account. Believe it or not, this blog isn’t for everyone. AND….I didn’t link this one. Besides, we’re not FB friends with you! I do however have a lovely blog about my beautiful son if you want to stalk visit that one: A Dose of Justice. 
  • The kids know they aren’t allowed to read this blog. I have total faith in them. IF……. I’m wrong, then having one be a deceitful sneaky person, should concern you more than my adult blog. 
  • Seriously? The post was about myself and my amazing husband, who I have rocking sex with all the time. Do you need me to repeat anything? Sorry, but you didn’t even make the highlight reel. A little full of ourselves, are we?
  • I have it on good authority that half of Brazil is not quite aware of my blog. You got your facts wrong.
  • So let’s address the demented comment. Shall we??!!?? I think you need the definition of the word.

(bing.com · Bing Dictionary)

de·ment·ed

[ di méntəd ]

  1. entirely irrational: completely unreasonable or lacking any sense of the consequences of actions taken
  2. affected with dementia: affected by the loss of intellectual functions that is associated with dementia

WHAT I THINK IS DEMENTED:

  • To lie so naturally, you can’t recognize the truth anymore.
  • To use manipulation (guilt, threats, fear, anger) with a child/children to feel superior.
  • To suggest your spouse-no-more has something sexually wrong with them because they didn’t want to touch you anymore. HINT: It’s called sexual attraction.
  • To pretend you didn’t break your wedding vows over and over again, use physical force in the relationship, and degrade your spouse-no-more with every word and action.
  • To act like everything bad you did, your spouse-no-more actually did when telling “stories”.
  • To believe that anyone with “real” self-esteem, who isn’t socially, emotionally and physically constipated, is DEMENTED.
  • LASTLY…….To view my blog. Did you really think you would like it? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!!!!!!

 

Are you giving me the pregnant eye?


My first thought is: “Not in a million years!”.

Kissing this dude would be like giving oral sex to my dryer’s lint tray.

Someone, out there, reading this, knows for sure.

AND….some, might be turned on, but I digress.

Crazy fetish?

My second thought is: Smashup!”

I want to do what Reese’s did for peanut butter and chocolate.

Say what?

imagesCAV6BZGE

Idea: Let’s put two things together and make something magical.

Condoms and Glasses

Still don’t see where this is going?

imagesCAK2LISIimagesCAAKRLRZ

Condom Glasses!

(Please help me come up with a wonderful name for this new product.)

They deploy at the exact moment of visual arousal.

Why do we need these you ask?

Condom Glasses_edited-1

For those women, you know the ones……..

”I get pregnant every time someone looks at me.”

imagesCAG8HZIA 

We have to have some type of protection, some type of birth control for men  who have the power to release microscopic sperm from their eyes.  This is quite an epidemic people. It  is also quite reckless. It’s astonishing how many children are brought into this world because someone looked at their momma in the wrong way. What’s even more disturbing is this: How does that child even know who his/her daddy is? It’s going to take a retinal scan on the Maury Povich show to straighten that shit out. AND seriously……The chances of finding the “baby daddy” are pretty slim. God help you if you are identified as giving someone “the pregnant eye”. You can look forward to child support for that kid and probably hundreds more. If you are capable of giving the pregnant eye to one, then chances are, you’ve given it to another.  Aren’t their enough excuses to put kids in therapy without adding this to the list?

SO…Let’s come up with a fabulous name.

Let’s get this product out in the world.

AND…Let’s start protecting ourselves.

I wonder what the Sharks would think?

imagesCABATMA9

 

Wordless-ish Wednesday: What a stinker!

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Toilet Dump 001

Infected by a socially inept person: It’s not contagious, but it burns like hell.


Socially-inept-person-contactitis is like a bad rash in the wrong place, or an evil so piercing, you need an exorcist to free you. No matter how many showers you take, you can’t feel clean again. YES………That’s the kind of negative impact some people have. AND…….You’re thinking about some of them now. Aren’t you? I know you are.

Make no mistake. Whoever comes to mind…….there are thousands more like them. These people can live anywhere, be any age, any intellect, any gender and any nationality. They are either born with a social stutter or acquire one through personal experience. You may be married to a socially inept person. HEY……..CHIN UP! Love is blind, deaf and dumb. SO……..You’re forgiven, but good luck getting off that sinking ship. BUT…..It helps if you’re just as socially lethal. In that case, you both make a lovely couple…….of annoying asses.

Dictionary.com defines inept as:

  1. without skill or aptitude for a particular task or assignment
  2. generally awkward or clumsy; haplessly incompetent.
  3. inappropriate; unsuitable; out of place.
  4. absurd or foolish: an inept remark.

Social competence requires the correct balance between the following:

  • Personality: cold dead fish vs. Where’s the off button?
  • Spirit: stick too far up the ass vs. Put it back in your pants.
  • Humor: Rated G vs. Rated XXX
  • Personal Information: squeezing blood out of a turnip vs. Wow! Those kids really tore your vagina up.
  • Personal Space: You won’t catch cooties. vs. You hair is stuck in my zipper.
  • Bragging Rights: I’m such a loser. I should be dead. vs. Here is my résumé to get into heaven or on a reality show.
  • Appearance: invisible vs. flashing lights

Areas where there is no balance. There is only 100% commitment:

  • Honesty
  • Respect
  • Civility
  • Manners
  • Morals
  • Ethics

The only cure for socially-inept-person-contactitis is distance and time. The distance thing is a no-brainer, but time is necessary for the hanger-ons. Due to their social ineptness, they don’t realize it’s time to move on and leave well enough alone. We’ll pretend that your name is Well Enough. It’s like training a dog, but not breasts. Let’s face it. The name training bra makes no sense. You can’t train your breasts to stay up permanently, and not without plastic surgery. Like a dog, you need to be patient and consistent. Any deviation from the plan, will cause horrendous repercussions. Don’t be alarmed. As long as you stick to the plan and don’t  scratch, the swelling will go down and the itching will go away.

SADLY………..There is no way to prevent this disease from infecting you in the future. There is no surefire way to detect the onset, and symptoms only appear after having direct contact for a period of time. This is because “socially intelligent” people try to give the benefit of the doubt. By the time you realize there is no hope, you have been infected. If this happens: Continue with the distance and time regimen.

Can I touch it? Can I touch it?


Before the kids were home for the summer, I was going to the YMCA quite regularly……kickboxing, running, weights and some cycling. Summer hit and that went south quick. BUT………..To my delight, I still lost weight. I guess my move to watered down beer finally made a difference on my waistline. On a whim………I tried on a pair of jeans, I haven’t been able to wear for over four years. Low and behold, they fit! WELL………They fit as far as I’m concerned. I pulled those suckers up over my lower thighs and knew. I got them over the remaining thighs and the backend. SO………Here’s where I tweaked the fit a bit. Could I zip and button them? Well………I suppose. BUT………In order to breathe…..….I couldn’t. I zipped those suckers up, then used a rubber band to loop around the button, through the hole and back around the button. I rigged those bitches and it worked. AND………Thanks to the return of the 80’s, I layered myself with two different tank tops and a mid-drift shirt that fell in just the right spot. Something had to hide the hideous muffin top those jeans created. Did I care? HELL NO! I got into those damn jeans and without a camel toe. I call that……….”A great success”. Maybe in a month or so, ……..I’ll be able to use the actual button……..no rubber band required.

SO………….My unsightly muffin top got me to thinking. Why did I feel the need to hide it?

Well………Because:

1. No one wants to see that shit.

2. I don’t want anyone to see that shit.

3. Muffin top models haven’t been approved on runways yet.

BUT……….If my muffin top was replaced with a nice flat stomach or some six pack abs, then I would gladly flaunt them. In fact, people would ask to see them and touch them.

I suppose society isn’t ready to take a hold of some love handles or ask to bounce on someone’s chunky belly or fat ass. BUT……..They don’t feel shy saying they could bounce a quarter off a nice tight one. People like to touch augmented breasts as well, but no one wants to touch the “drooping to the ground” breasts that swing from left to right like a pendulum. Why not? It sounds like more fun. AND………Why touch a pregnant woman’s belly? Is it because there is something growing in there? Why not ask to feel up inside a nose or ear? You’d be surprised at the crap some people have growing in there. Why lick shots off a belly when you could lick snot off a lip? Why hang on someone’s biceps when you could fly with someone’s bat wings?

Just saying people. Just saying.

It’s not me. IT’S YOU!


How many times have we heard “It’s not you. It’s me.” in movies or real life? AND………Then it wraps up with the line about being friends. BUT………..What if being friendly is the problem?

How about we switch it around. It is the other person and fuck forget being friends. I’m not talking about romantic relationships here. I’m referring to other types of relationships. Romantic breakups are the most common, but friends, neighbors, co-workers and even family members breakup with one another. Just because you’re family, go to the same church, work together, live on the same street or have people in common, that doesn’t mean it’s meant to be for the two of you.  AND………..Those breakups can be messier and more emotional than the romantic ones. I think most people are just too sensitive to not being liked by all. BUT……..We, as a society have been fed a lot of crap along the way.

Why is it so difficult to break away from these relationships? It’s because we’ve heard cookie cutter one liners all our lives, encouraging us to muddle through, even if we can’t stand one another. Such as:

  • Blood is thicker than water.
  • Family is forever.
  • Be neighborly.
  • It’s important to work together.
  • Kiss and make-up.
  • Let’s all be friends.
  • Say you’re sorry and go back to being friends.
  • Can’t we all just get along? (for the new generations)

AND……What makes it worse, are the dumbasses that believe and utilize the following:

  • Express yourself.
  • Tell them how you feel.
  • Don’t hold back.
  • You got something to say. Say it to my face. (maturity at it’s best)
  • You’ll feel better when you vent.
  • Honesty is the best policy.

I think it’s all total crap. We feel trapped into having relationships we don’t want. Then, we feel guilty if we don’t continue them. AND………When things go astray for whatever reason, the opening up stuff begins. Bullshit! If you have a relationship worth salvaging, then go for it with manners and intellect, but most people take the opening up advice wrong. They say things only a drunken mental patient should say. AND NOW………….Texting, Facebook and other media outlets, have provided ways for people to be complete idiots. I’m not a licensed therapist. Hell, I’m not even an unlicensed one, but I’ll put in my two cents worth anyway.

  • Vent to yourself until you’ve gotten all the rude bullshit out. Then, no one will be the wiser and you can carryon with life. Remember: You can’t take it back!
  • Don’t bother others with stuff they don’t need to hear. Only a Jerry Springer guest would put up with cursing or cut downs and still want to have some type of relationship.
  • Once you’ve made an ass out of yourself, you could extend an olive branch. If no one reaches for it, then have some dignity and walk away. Afterall, you know what you did. Let’s not add stalking to the list.

The best quote I’ve ever heard is from 1942. It allows for good manners, but doesn’t deny true feelings.

“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all. ”

― Thumper

Personally, I think the people you surround yourself with, says a lot. It’s an indication of who you are and how you want to live. If there are people in your life that:

  • hold you back
  • cause drama
  • are negative
  • drain you emotionally (suffocate you)
  • bring nothing to the table (add no value)
  • go against your values
  • interfere with your personal/work life
  • BIG RED FLAG: Cause you to cry, feel anxiety or get nausea when you encounter them…….

……..then “Thumper” them and hop away.

Songs about killing and hatred……Does someone need a hug?


Shocking as it may seem………I am not a fan of cop killing, gay bashing or racist songs. To be blunt, they seem pretty fucking unnecessary to me. OH……….Did I fail to mention how ignorant they are? I suppose there are people, who think these songs are super cool and badass, but there are also people who eat their boogers, even into adulthood. Just sayin’!

Perhaps I would have more respect for these artists……….SORRY…….…I had to throw up in my mouth a little…….…if the lyrics were more honest.I mean, why do you really want to kill cops? Let’s be honest. It’s because you want to do various horrible, immoral and illegal things. Some of these things may include: rape, murder, beatings, robbery, drug dealing…….and so on and so forth. You want to do these things and be left alone. Sorry! I guess life isn’t fair. Didn’t your momma teach you that? Perhaps you should sing songs about the lawmakers as well. After all, they may have something to do with the laws the police are supposed to enforce. And how about the President of the United States? I suppose he endorses your behavior? Why not write song lyrics about your grandma? Unless you think she approves of your behavior. Oh……and for those who feel they are justified because of some kind of police brutality…….I have never heard a song naming Officer John Doe. The “brotherhood” does not mean every officer is accountable for another officer’s actions. If my sibling screws someone over…….WELL……It ain’t my fault. Seriously! So stop calling me!

AND……..How about you homophobes? Is it really necessary to announce to the world how you feel about sexual orientations other than those that are heterosexual. Screams out insecurity to me. What are you afraid of? Rejection??!!??

AND LASTLY……..Does the world need to know you are an ignorant racist? I’m referring to all the shades of racism.

Since these songs seem to be so popular among a limited “so smart they seem stupid” audience, I think we should expand. I think we should have songs about hating the dentist. Let’s face it……..going to the dentist sucks. How about slurs against the Disney Channel for running shows that make our children think parents don’t really exist? I’m currently writing a song about killing stirrup pants. Lord knows, we don’t need to bring those back. Here are some other ideas we can rage about:

  • eating vegetables
  • brushing our teeth
  • washing our hands
  • putting the toilet seat down
  • calling someone after you sleep with them
  • homework
  • flossing
  • pretending you like your in-laws

Let me know if anyone can come up with some really incredible song lyrics!

Michael Jackson: Newly Released Phone Call from 1995


SO……..I stumbled upon the oddest thing. I found (in my twisted mind) a transcript of a phone call between Michael Jackson and some chick. That in itself is odd…..I know! BUT……It’s crazy, because the phone call uses every song title from his albums:

OFF THE WALL (1979)

THRILLER (82)

BAD (87)

DANGEROUS (91)

HISTORY (95)

INVINCIBLE (01)

……..and the ULTIMATE COLLECTION (04)

Michael: Little Susie,  or whatever your name is. You are a P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing). We’ve known each other since my Childhood, which means, we met yesterday and I know my genitals say we should Just Good Friends, but I want you to be The Lady In My Life, at least for enough time to get busy.

Girl: Say, Say, Say what you want, but not This Time Around. I don’t know if I can trust youI Can’t Help It, my last boyfriend was a Cheater, and it’s Human Nature to want to take things slow.

Michael: Come on. Baby Be Mine! I need to prove to the world that you aren’t just some Stranger In Moscow that I made up. People think I’m In The Closet and there’s Another Part Of Me I’m trying to hide from the world. I’m trying to Heal The World one child at a time. There’s no Monkey Business going on, except for that one I have at home.

Girl: I ain’t no Tabloid Junkie, but I’m a Superfly Sister and I don’t need to be caught up in no Carousel. So, maybe you aren’t with The Man child they pictured you with, but what about B.J?

Michael: I like those.

Girl: No! The girl.

Michael: Billie Jean is not my Girlfriend. Hell, she isn’t even my lover. She’s just a Street Walker that I felt Bad for. She was Working Day And Night for hardly any Money. I swear we never had sex. I just Beat It a few times in front of her when she talked about The Lost Children. That’s HIStory.

Girl: Okay. What about D.S.? You know…the dirty slut? I’m not going to Rock With You if you Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ with her. I’m freaking Speechless. She goes commando and plugless when she’s on her period and gets Blood On The Dance Floor. She is straight up nasty.

Michael: You mean Dirty Diana? She’s Out of My Life. We spent a few days to Come Together. We experimented with 2000 Watts, played a few rounds of Someone Put Your Hand Out and invited a few friends over to Jam in with me.  It was intense. the experience made me Cry, gave me Butterflies, and required more Privacy than anyone should be allowed. I felt Threatened. I saw Ghosts. I became Scared Of The Moon. I took Morphine and something called Speed Demon until the Break Of Dawn. I thought I could Fly Away, but then, I thought, Heaven Can Wait. I mean….if I even go there. The stench was so bad when we were done, The owner said: “We have to Burn This Disco Out”.

Girl: You Can’t Let Her Get Away or you will let her Ease On Down The Road? Pick one!

Michael: You have to understand. She Drives Me Wild, but You Rock My World. You are fooled by the Man In The Mirror I’m pretending to be. I Just Can’t Stop Loving You for being so stupid. You Are My Life. Don’t Walk Away. I’m begging you. It’s The Way You Make Me Feel. Is this too soon? Is It Scary?

Girl: The Girl Is Mine, she’s not mine! Whatever! I’m getting whiplash here. Remember The Time I called you and you said you were home with Bubbles laying in the chamber together? Well, a Sunset Driver told me he saw you out with that Liberian Girl?

Michael: Bull crappy! It was a boy with long hair!

Girl: That’s even worse! He saw you Get On the Floor and get a Thriller. And he heard you yell: “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”! Then he jumped back over the security wall at Neverland Ranch.

Michael: Wait! Were you following me? I thought I saw Someone In The Dark. Girl, that shit is Dangerous. I don’t care if you’re Black Or White. That place is Off The Wall. You can Scream and SHOUT and no one’s gonna do a damn thing. Get It?

Smooth Criminal everywhere you look? Besides, I’ve never done anything inappropriate with anyone, who wasn’t legally unable to consent,  intimidated, or influenced by my fame and “assumed”, but ever-diminishing wealth.  Why You Wanna Trip On Me?

Girl: Oh my God. Your ability to live in an alternate universe is Unbreakable. It’s The Falling In Love with the wrong things that freaks me out. I mean really, the Elephant Man’s skeleton? And no one ever believed the relationships with Brooke and Lisa Marie. Please just Leave Me Alone.

Michael: I’m Invincible and you are no Heartbreaker, but the good news…..You Are Not Alone.  I will let this phone call slide and give you Once More Chance. You should just Give In To Me. The Way You Love Me doesn’t matter because I’m the King of Pop and Whatever Happens, You Can’t Win. The truth is, the world’s people, They Don’t Care About Us celebrities. They just care how we fuck up and if we are Gone Too Soon. So, let’s say you put a Smile on your face. Marry me. Give me what I want. I will write some crappy Earth Song, make millions and then we can split once We’ve had Enough.

Girl: Well…..when you put it that way. So……Will You Be There?

Michael: Hell no! I won’t even let my sperm be there. I found a donor for us.

Girl: Who is it? They aren’t 2 Bad, right?.

Michael: Keep The Faith. This isn’t Bubbles first rodeo.

***Telephone transcript between Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe.***