Weekly Photo Challenge: Future Tense


Scrabble Photo 001

This is the future, but also right now.

You aren’t welcome back, no way, no how.

No open arms and no open doors.

It’s clear to all, if it wasn’t before.

You are damaged and toxic, with no moral code.

Picking on children at your age. How bold!

We understand your life sucks pretty hard.

But that’s your fault, so don’t throw crap in our yard.

Haters hate and you are no exception.

I’m pretty sure it started at your conception.

If you’re still in the dark, let me turn on the light.

Without you around, the future is bright.

(Word to your mother…..)

 

Are you giving me the pregnant eye?


My first thought is: “Not in a million years!”.

Kissing this dude would be like giving oral sex to my dryer’s lint tray.

Someone, out there, reading this, knows for sure.

AND….some, might be turned on, but I digress.

Crazy fetish?

My second thought is: Smashup!”

I want to do what Reese’s did for peanut butter and chocolate.

Say what?

imagesCAV6BZGE

Idea: Let’s put two things together and make something magical.

Condoms and Glasses

Still don’t see where this is going?

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Condom Glasses!

(Please help me come up with a wonderful name for this new product.)

They deploy at the exact moment of visual arousal.

Why do we need these you ask?

Condom Glasses_edited-1

For those women, you know the ones……..

”I get pregnant every time someone looks at me.”

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We have to have some type of protection, some type of birth control for men  who have the power to release microscopic sperm from their eyes.  This is quite an epidemic people. It  is also quite reckless. It’s astonishing how many children are brought into this world because someone looked at their momma in the wrong way. What’s even more disturbing is this: How does that child even know who his/her daddy is? It’s going to take a retinal scan on the Maury Povich show to straighten that shit out. AND seriously……The chances of finding the “baby daddy” are pretty slim. God help you if you are identified as giving someone “the pregnant eye”. You can look forward to child support for that kid and probably hundreds more. If you are capable of giving the pregnant eye to one, then chances are, you’ve given it to another.  Aren’t their enough excuses to put kids in therapy without adding this to the list?

SO…Let’s come up with a fabulous name.

Let’s get this product out in the world.

AND…Let’s start protecting ourselves.

I wonder what the Sharks would think?

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Weekly Photo Challenge: BIG


By: Disassociated Press-on-Nails

NO WHERE IMPORTANT — One of the Big Tobacco companies is set to release it’s new line of cigarettes, Marlbooro, just in time for Halloween. The name was a stroke of genius, implying the obvious. These cigarettes are scary as shit.  “With the need to be the leader in this market, it was time to roll out a new line,” said head cancer stick designer, Mr. Black Lung. He went on to explain the creative thinking behind the new line. “It was time for us to make a statement to America and the rest of the world. We care about the economy! We care about the people. We care about healthcare!”

Big Tobacco Cigarettes

Apparently, this company wants to make an impact. We talked in length with the CIO (Chief Idiot Officer) to find out how they were going to do this.

  • Bulk packaging/product will allow a lower price-point and keep more loyal cigarette smokers……addicted.
  • Bigger product will give the “in your face” buying reaction needed to create new smokers.
  • The larger cigarette will ease the psychological guilt of “two packs a day” smokers, since smoking one of these cigarettes is now the equivalent.
  • Car companies will be forced to hire more employees to keep up with the interior design demands of the “Super-Sized” cigarette smoker.
    • More head/arm space
    • New ashtrays
    • New window design for dumping ashes
  • Technology companies will be out to create the cigarette holding/smoking version of the Bluetooth device.
  • Fashion designers will be out in masses, creating less flammable fabrics and improving clothing design, so the product can be carried.
  • Makers of toothpaste, perfumes and quit smoking products will have an immediate increase in sales.
  • Police officers can hand out more tickets for littering, since you can’t miss this baby flying out of your window.
  • More fire and rescue personnel will be hired due to the inevitable increase in forest and home fires.
  • Healthcare jobs are secure and increasing with this product. That is a given.
  • Psychological and Emotional needs will be satisfied with this product.
    • Prisoners will do anything for one of these, so coöperation should be on the rise.
    • This would be a status symbol for men. Bigger is better.
    • The ladies will surely improve their chances of being taken home….or somewhere. Who doesn’t want the girl with this in her mouth?

Per the CIO, “There is no greater pleasure than introducing this product. We feel like pioneers. You know, like the ones that ended up killing a bunch of folks.”

Microsoft Scammers: Anyone could do that job?


Still Alive!


Not much of a post……I know. I’m going on about a month of not posting (not planned) and I thought I’d confirm that my heart is still beating. YES! I do have one of those, although, I reserve it for special occasions only. Again……This is a crappy offering, but it is the best I have to offer tonight.  A lot going on in my little spot in the world now, which is code for my flippin’  house. I will try to get my lazy fingers moving and get a real posting out (Articles style) in the next couple of days. Thanks to those who gave a damn and wondered where I  vanished to, and for those who didn’t……..well……I didn’t give a fuck about you either.

Doing it old school……high school that is.


OKAY………So I debated about this post for a bit. Sorry to go all juvenile on you guys, but it must be done.  In the past two years, I’ve had to deal with a few people unraveling……….0 to 60 for no clear reason. If I thought my health insurance would cover it, I’d get the magnet removed that causes the attraction.  Let me clear things up for several people.

  • I am not responsible if your family gets murdered.
  • My husband and I are not swingers. BUT…..….If we were, sorry…….You two are not our type.
  • I believe people should pay their debts, even if you owe a millionaire money.
  • It’s poor form to grab my husband’s crotch and act like it was an accident.
  • Stealing someone’s property is ILLEGAL!
  • I exercise to stay in shape, not to piss you off.
  • Sending my hubby messages via Facebook and/or phone is unwise.
  • Make no mistake, my husband is on my side.
  • I heard you did me a favor by being my friend. Gee……Thanks!
  • Not everything is about you.
  • I’ve only posted about one (the Despicable One). Up until this post, you’ve just been feeding into your own paranoia.
  • No one gets to mess with my kids without some backlash.
  • I don’t care how drunk someone is. I don’t like people grabbing my breasts.
  • Coming into my home and being mean to my friends, is beyond uncool.
  • Before you start calling people names, you should really look up the definitions of the words you use.
  • My kids can hear their sailor talk from me, but thanks for the free language arts lesson.
  • Your world is very small, but mine isn’t.
  • I love drama, but only on the stage.
  • Heavy drinking is not my idea of socializing. I have a life and a liver to protect.
  • My husband’s tolerance of your disrespect for him, doesn’t make him a wimp…….it makes him a gentleman.
  • It’s okay to close the bridge without feeling like you have to set it on fire.
  • We share a different idea of success and a different set of values.
  • Most of the problems we’ve had……….are all in your head.
  • We will never be friends again, but I wish you the best………because that’s how I roll!

Blog Search Terms: stupid, scary, sane and sick


I find it fascinating and disturbing, the search terms that people have used to find my blog. Sadly, it seems hardly anyone actually uses the name of my blog.

Instead they use such terms as:

  • any variation of a person/persons of varying ages tied up: Let me just say: This is not and never will be a porn site. AND…….This is most certainly not a site for pedophiles. BUT…….Seriously, you sickos need to hang out elsewhere.
    • santa claus tied up: AND……Who is the twisted person that wanted to see Santa Claus tied up? What is wrong with you??!!??
    • getting your vibrator to work: UHHHH! Put batteries in it.
    • free gay boys: I’m pretty sure I’ve never solicited boys of any kind on my blog, free or otherwise.
    • shape changers fucking: Is the thrill in watching them change during the event? Someone get back to me on this one.
    • husband and drunk wife invited their best black friend to join: Join your scrabble game? Okay. I am at a loss at how you got here.
    • how to get pregnant with a boy: Stop looking up crap like this! Get back to your homework and do the dishes before your mom gets home.
    • I want tow fucken my friends hasbend.com: First of all, not to stereotype, but I’d like to think you are challenged in the way of language arts and not just a stupid idiot. This is probably not my business, but you clearly want advice on this topic, hence the search. I think you should deviate from this plan. You will lose your friendship and become, if you aren’t already, a big skank tramp. Sorry for the big words, let me rephrase. No fucken hasbend! Lose friend and you big slutto now!
  • Barbies searches are freakishly popular:
    • barbie pregnant, fat, old, slut, drunk, porn
    • ken fucks barbie:
    • drunk barbie cake: Seriously??!!??
    • barbie die
    • barbie hooker
    • ken doll sex
    • two or three barbies
    • barbie surgery
    • ken kills barbie
    • why doesn’t barbie ever get pregnant: Because she isn’t real dumbass!
  • many variations on husband not being your friend
  • celebrities that have rabies: Probably a lot of them.
  • koolaid down syndrome: I have never heard of that diagnosis. I’m fairly certain the consumption of Kool-Aid, does not result in down syndrome. BUT….I am not a medical doctor.
  • snow white kiss my ass: This must be a search by the evil queen or perhaps a disgruntled dwarf. OR…..Am I supposed to say little person?
  • can i fuck your children up and shake them up with ass: If I understand this correctly, you want to research screwing your/someone else’s children up and then frightening them with a backside? Okay. Clearly I will need help with this one. Perhaps I just don’t speak the language. Any translators out there?
  • room spinning and shaking after alcohol: The shaking is a new one to me. Perhaps you were drunk during an earthquake? Anyway……don’t drink so much! Glad I could help.
  • where is gregory godek today?: I had no idea anyone would want to find him. Remember: He is America’s Romance Coach (the one we never knew we had), which is why we must be failing at love so often.

SO…….I suppose I share some responsibility here. Sorry for my misleading posts, which thwarted your search for truth, ultimate stupid answers and sick videos. I imagine these are a few of the culprits.

He’s not my friend. He’s my husband.

 Weekly Photo Challenge: Celebration

 Celebrity News- Mugshots, Rabies and Alec Baldwin

 It’s hard to be an ass over the holidays. (another crappy ass cartoon)

Occupy Oakland and Get Pregnant (Barbie style)

 Whose a Rotten Egg? (Barbie style….)

 Celebrity News: Kids, Conspiracy theories and Dolly

 If it stumbles like a drunk and slurs like a drunk, it might be a drunk. (Part 1),         (Part 2)

Whoring around in the blogosphere…..(inspired by: 911 post)

TAG: The new four letter word or the only word you’ll ever need?

For the saps………….

Cheap Love: Courtesy of “The Coach”

Weekly Photo Challenge: Down

Blocked to death!


It’s a tragedy folks. I’ve been blocked on Facebook. It seems my elimination of friends from my overgrown list, met with some feelings of betrayal for some. Needless to say, the majority of the 95 people I cut, didn’t seem to mind, and they probably haven’t even noticed. BUT……Since I hurt some to the point where they blocked me, I feel an apology letter is in order, to them and anyone getting ready to do the same.

Dear Blocker:

I’m so sorry that I dared to defriend you. I guess I misread the signs of our relationship. You never called me. You never came to visit. You never invited me to visit. We never hung out. You never emailed me. You haven’t communicated with me on Facebook. You clearly have no interest in me as a person. I guess it never occurred to me, that someone who doesn’t wish to be a friend in “real life”, would want to be a friend in “virtual life”. How ignorant of me. Obviously, my decision has cut you to the core, causing you immense pain.

And now, I have been blocked. You showed me and now I suffer. I can never search your name. I will never be able to see your photo shoot quality profile picture. I will never be able to see who our mutual friends are, so that I can secretly quiz them on your status. I already regret our parting. AND……Worst of all, I won’t be able to view your fascinating comments on our mutual friend’s walls. I will miss the days of seeing “OMG. I wish it wasn’t Monday.” and “OMG. I’m so glad it’s Friday.”

It’s hard to hold back the tears, but I will manage somehow. Farewell stranger in life, and unknown bestie in “virtual life”. BUT wait………doesn’t that kind of make you a my stalker? OR……Are you so consumed with yourself that you think everyone else should be too? Isn’t blocking after a defriending kind of like putting on two condoms.  BUT…….I guess you just want to make sure no one gets through. I can’t believe I defriended someone as smart as you. I will regret that decision forever or until I’m done with this post. Whichever comes first.

Good luck in your “virtual life”.

Sincerely,

Defriender