I hope there wasn’t a limit on my carry on bags.


With fathers like this……..

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It’s not you, it’s him

You don’t need to be prettier

You don’t need to be smarter

And…you don’t need to be more talented

You don’t need to kiss his ass

You shouldn’t have to beg for his time and attention

It’s not you, it’s him

You don’t need to be more athletic

You don’t need to ask him about his job

And….you don’t need to talk differently

You don’t need to stroke his ego

You shouldn’t have to walk on glass around him

It’s not you, it’s him

He doesn’t need to be selfish

He doesn’t need to be one-sided

And….he doesn’t need to be self-absorbed

He doesn’t need to believe respect is his right

He shouldn’t make you feel less than all the time

It’s not you, it’s him

One day, he will realize

It will be too late

And….you will have grown tired of trying

You will be strong and move on

You shouldn’t feel guilty about that

Turning the Corner


You heard it here first. I’m not making enough money at my current corner. I don’t know if it’s because I’m smack dab in the middle of a wretched economic time, or that I strap my baby to my back when I’m trolling. You know, if you visited here, you’d realize that the baby on the back is not an issue. I guess it’s the economy. I will say though, it probably doesn’t help that I have all of my teeth, and replaced the bad ones with some really nice dental work. I think I come off as too high-class. The showering everyday should stop too. I’ll never make any money by shutting out the down trodden.

BUT REALLY………..I’m turning the corner from 41 years old to 42 years old in 5 hours. And, like most women my age, I hate getting appliances and home gadgets that say you are just a maid or a cook. This year, my gifts include an elliptical, some supplements (courtesy of Dr. Oz’s insight) to bring my metabolism back to my 30’s and a new scale, with BMI, % of water and a daily caloric intake counter for meeting your goals. Yes indeed! Nothing says your valued like a birthday full of “get back in shape bitch” kind of presents. I’m pretty pleased though. At least that means he still sees hope for us. If I got a bunch of Martha Stewart kind of crap then that means I’ve become his mommy and that’s just gross.

Note: These gifts were approved ahead of time! I don’t want to be a grown man’s mommy or the wife whose only claim to fame is…..”She’s a really good homemaker.” My goal is to become the wife who doesn’t do shit around the house, but looks damn hot! Who is with me on this ladies??!!??

Sentiment via social media. The new greeting card?


On this day, 43 years ago, God decided to bless a woman and a man with a beautiful son. The angels watched over him since then, making sure that he could celebrate this special day and enjoy all the blessings in life. Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband.

FUCK! I thought this was Facebook. Sorry guys. I must have logged on to the wrong account. BUT……Really? Like I’d send my husband a message on Facebook or a message about him. I think if that happens, then we should get a divorce. We live together. I’m not looking to FB, Tweet or text him when we are under the same roof. My relationship is private. We aren’t a show and quite frankly, we’re not that exciting. AND……The interesting stuff is for our eyes and ears only. Certainly, I only tell people the bullshit I want to tell them. No one knows the inner working of our relationship. Hell, I don’t even know the inner workings!

So what about the greeting card industry? I’m not a fan of celebrating and sending a card for every frickin’ holiday and occasion known to and invented by man………..BUT…………I do like to select an appropriate card for someone when the mood strikes. Once I scribble inside, it’s personal and let’s face it, sometimes you just want something you can hold in your hands. Get your minds out of the gutter people. Oh! It wasn’t? Sorry. I guess it is now.

SO…….Let’s try this again, in a style befitting of this blog and not resembling what you will never hear me say to my hubby. Cuz, that’s private bitches.

Good thing you were born, so we could be together today. Of course, what if you blew my chances of being with someone better. Let’s just say you were born to save me from being with someone worse. That sounds good. AND…….Thanks for seeing another birthday, sticking around and shit, otherwise, I would have a major drinking problem from raising these kids alone.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Anniversary Sucker!


The day is almost over, but I want to say thanks to my smoking hot husband.

Thanks for hooking up with a woman with two kids, shacking up with her for a little over five years, getting hitched and impregnating her. Oh yeah…and thanks for being married to me now for three years. We are really going to have to talk about that other woman though.

Yes. I wore black on my wedding day. (1/17/09)

Reheated Leftovers: Like the networks, enjoy the rerun!


He’s not my friend. He’s my husband

October 27th, 2011

 Disclaimer: If you and your spouse are besties, you may be offended by this.  Too fucking bad.

I  hear a lot of people say their spouse is their best friend. On Facebook, there are a myriad of posts announcing “On this day blah, blah years ago, I married my best friend.” I just can’t relate. First of all, I’m not twelve anymore. I can’t afford to have only one best friend. My friends have spouses, kids, jobs and other friends. I’d be very lonely if I waited for my one best friend to be available………and quite frankly……..a bit pathetic and needy. Can we say Single White Female? (Look it up if you don’t get the reference.) I have several really great friends. I don’t live in the right state to be married to more than one of them. So I’m out on legality alone.

Let’s get down to it. None of my great friends have penises. Some of them carry their spouses balls around from time to time, but that’s it. After my own experiences with guys I thought were my best friends, I realize that a true-best friendship between men and women is really not possible (sexual tension is a bummer). I know someone will disagree with that, but I’m here to tell you….”I’m right and you’re wrong.” The exception would be if one is a homosexual. So at this point, my husband has a penis and is absolutely not a homosexual. So far, the friend thing is looking bleak.

Vacations with friends can be great. I’m still friends with the ones I’ve traveled with. We returned to our corners. My friends would agree. They don’t want to live with me either. Needless to say, my husband and I go on vacation with friends to get away from each other. Plus, we can’t afford more than one house and who’d be stuck with the kids? Friends also share clothing, shoes and jewelry. I wouldn’t be married to a man I could do this with. And the tampon thing………. total deal breaker if he had his own supply.

When I need to vent about married life, I bitch with my best friends. That so would not work if that person was my husband. I think I know whose fucking side he’d be on. My friends are great. They tell it like it is and give me their unbiased opinions about crap. My husband needs to tell me what I want to hear and give me my opinion. I’m his damn wife. He better be biased. Friends also show an interest in your stuff, or at least pretend to. We aren’t dating anymore. I don’t give a crap about his high score on XBox and he doesn’t give a shit about my recent decoupage project.

I enjoy my friendships because I have a husband to come home to. I enjoy my husband because I have great friends to be myself with. The bottom line is: I can never be friends with my spouse. There are too many factors working against us. Besides, I don’t have sex with my friends and I’m not willing to trade the best fucking, non-love making, mind-blowing sex of my life for friendship. We’re married. Isn’t that good enough!??!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!

Whose a Rotten Egg? (Barbie style….)


Here’s to all the women, who are old and foolish, like me….have another child, don’t have another child, drink some more alcohol? Whatever! We’re only as old as we feel it’s said, but our eggs might say otherwise.

Barbie Has Good Eggs

Ken met Barbie
They fell head over heels
Proposed marriage, bought a house
Started to pile up bills
Barbie was a good wife
Ken was happy to get laid
It happened…Barbie got pregnant
She was young with good eggs

Barbie Has Old Eggs

Barbie grew older
Faded makeup and fat
Screwing a mom with twins
Was not Ken’s new bag
Barbie was sad her eggs got old
Ken took his looks and fled the scene
With Tasha the hooker and……….
Cheerleader Maxine

Barbie Has Broken-Dead Eggs

Eventually, Barbie lost the weight
Got “plastic” surgery and glammed up
She decided to have another baby
Before her clock just gave up
Alas, it was way too late
Her eggs were broken and dead
No babies just menopause
And….. a chalk outline instead

Barbie Dreams of Eggs

Why, oh why
Can’t good eggs fall from the sky
Like the ones I dream of
Nestled between my skinny plastic thighs
I know Ken is gone
Fuck him, I have a plan
My doctor and “toy” collection
Substitutes for that pathetic man
If God gives you broken eggs…..make scrambled eggs. OR…..something like that!

http://youtu.be/uM1Wtzs5h6w

The above link goes to a video I tried to create with a new program I have. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I gave it a shot. It wouldn’t upload to this blog, so you get what you get.

He’s not my friend. He’s my husband


Disclaimer: If you and your spouse are besties, you may be offended by this.  Too fucking bad. 

I  hear a lot of people say their spouse is their best friend. On Facebook, there are a myriad of posts announcing “On this day blah, blah years ago, I married my best friend.” I just can’t relate. First of all, I’m not twelve anymore. I can’t afford to have only one best friend. My friends have spouses, kids, jobs and other friends. I’d be very lonely if I waited for my one best friend to be available………and quite frankly……..a bit pathetic and needy. Can we say Single White Female? (Look it up if you don’t get the reference.) I have several really great friends. I don’t live in the right state to be married to more than one of them. So I’m out on legality alone.

Let’s get down to it. None of my great friends have penises. Some of them carry their spouses balls around from time to time, but that’s it. After my own experiences with guys I thought were my best friends, I realize that a true-best friendship between men and women is really not possible (sexual tension is a bummer). I know someone will disagree with that, but I’m here to tell you….”I’m right and you’re wrong.” The exception would be if one is a homosexual. So at this point, my husband has a penis and is absolutely not a homosexual. So far, the friend thing is looking bleak.

Vacations with friends can be great. I’m still friends with the ones I’ve traveled with. We returned to our corners. My friends would agree. They don’t want to live with me either. Needless to say, my husband and I go on vacation with friends to get away from each other. Plus, we can’t afford more than one house and who’d be stuck with the kids? Friends also share clothing, shoes and jewelry. I wouldn’t be married to a man I could do this with. And the tampon thing………. total deal breaker if he had his own supply.

When I need to vent about married life, I bitch with my best friends. That so would not work if that person was my husband. I think I know whose fucking side he’d be on. My friends are great. They tell it like it is and give me their unbiased opinions about crap. My husband needs to tell me what I want to hear and give me my opinion. I’m his damn wife. He better be biased. Friends also show an interest in your stuff, or at least pretend to. We aren’t dating anymore. I don’t give a crap about his high score on XBox and he doesn’t give a shit about my recent decoupage project.

I enjoy my friendships because I have a husband to come home to. I enjoy my husband because I have great friends to be myself with. The bottom line is: I can never be friends with my spouse. There are too many factors working against us. Besides, I don’t have sex with my friends and I’m not willing to trade the best fucking, non-love making, mind-blowing sex of my life for friendship. We’re married. Isn’t that good enough!??!!

Said for the better….makes you feel worse


  • “Oh….you don’t have to do that right now.  (Long Pause) You can do it later.” This is mostly a spouse to spouse thing.  I love that they give permission for you to do work at a later time. Screw helping you! They have more important things to do.
  • “You aren’t fat. Your metabolism is just slow”. Hey….thanks for the heads up. I feel so much better now that you reminded me it’s going to be harder to lose the weight.
  • “You look good to me.” So what you’re saying is….I’m an ugly ass bitch and everyone knows it.
  • “You aren’t a bitch. You’re just you.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? So, in other words, my name is a synonym for bitch!
  • “You aren’t a bad parent. You could just do better.” Usually….people don’t tell good parents they need to improve. Have you called social services yet?
  • “It’s not you. It’s me.” and “You’re too good for me.” Seriously…..If it were you, then your ass would have been dumped a long time ago. I love the too good for me line. We all want better. That’s the bullshit they spin when they have “someone better” waiting in the wings.
  • “At least you’ll save money on groceries.” Now this one is exactly what I said to my father when my mom left him. I was nine and thought it was helpful. It wasn’t.
  • “You aren’t what I expected.” So….what did you expect  you judgemental ass? I guess I should be grateful that I exceeded your low expectations.
  • “It could be worse.” Well…not helpful because we both know it could be a hell of a lot better.

I think there are some other things out there that could be said to make even more people feel better.

  • “You aren’t a whore slut. You’re just super friendly.”
  • “You aren’t a drunk. You just like the taste of alcohol.”
  • “You aren’t bad in bed.  I just have a nervous laugh.”
  • “Your cooking is awesome. I just forgot I was on a diet.”
  • “You aren’t stupid. You’re just conserving air.”
  • “You aren’t too big. You’re clothes are too small.”
  • “You aren’t ugly. You just look better in the moonlight.”