I’m going to let someone else entertain you today. I’d like to breakdown your brain cells by exposing you to my inappropriate friend Stirling and his equally damaged partner in comedy.
Wild Mullet Kingdom: Episode 1 “The Capture” (Uncensored)
Tag Archives: What the fuck were you thinking?
Let me give you the back story on why S.H.I.T called me this: _____(?)_____ Okay. You know as much as I do. Of course, I could speculate. BUT………..My made up ideas would be as bad as their made up reasons for lashing out, SO…………I won’t go there. I am quite curious to understand the breakdown of their insult though.
Mom is a f’ing liar!
12 OctMany moons ago, my son asked if the Easter bunny was real. he said he really, really wanted to know. After telling him no, he said he knew it. After all, a big bunny hopping around bringing baskets is ridiculous.
He got his little sister. They wanted to know if Santa was real. Again, they really wanted to know. I gave a great explanation about the history behind St. Nick and how it all began. They handled it great. They were smiling and engaged.
THEN……..they wanted to know about the tooth fairy and anyone else represented by a Hallmark holiday. I told them all of it was made up.
THEN…..The eyes bulged and the lips quivered.
Their eyes burned through me, for what felt like ten hours (probably 3 seconds), but in kid time, same thing. AND IN NO TIME……..the horror ensued. They began screaming and crying hysterically. They said I lied about Santa. AND……..Why was I tricking them? I think one of their heads spun around.
Quickly, I regrouped and told them they were right. I did lie to them. “Mommy was fooling around and playing a joke”, I said.
My son decided I lied about the bunny too.
I’m sure the event will trigger some degree of PTSD in the future.
THE OTHER DAY: My son asked for help with his language arts homework. He was struggling. I gave him my expertise. He appeared to believe me, then said, “How do I even trust you? You could just be lying to me.”
Clearly, lies are like memory foam……….even the truths, we say are lies. That would be the “double lie” impact.
In the end……….I secured my children’s innocence and their belief in magic, at least for a while.
I also increased the likelihood that they will never believe a word I say.
WELL………at least I know they fit in with all the other children their age, who don’t believe their parents either.
AND…………That’s how it goes when mommy is a big, fat, nasty, f’ing liar!
SEX THIS YEAR Threatens Stay-at Home Mom with Disabled Child Living Paycheck to Paycheck
24 SepIt’s not that exciting people. SEX THIS YEAR is the name of a “magazine” and WordPress blog site. The creator has his panties in a bunch over an earlier blog post Jeremie Mouithsone: Who? . I say……get bigger panties and stop attempting to bully me.
Clearly, he didn’t read the post or doesn’t understand the language I used. That would be ENGLISH! I posted a copy of a letter HE sent to me. I added my own little spin. Apparently, my post brought unwanted attention to Mr. Mouithsone……AND…….He “no likey”. Someone said they were screwed over by him, and some woman mentioned his pre-ejaculation issues.
WELL……Here he is, verbally pre-ejaculating here. I took a second comment directed towards Lawrence off. Seriously Mr. Mouithsone! Lawrence and I aren’t blog roomies. Take your issues to his side of the internet. I am not a couples counselor.
Here’s what he sent to me:
My response:
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Sorry for the non-phallic length. Get comfy!
23 SepSometimes, when a “grown” adult, shows their ass (…not literally…thank goodness…) by insulting a person for no other reason than: “grown” adult is ignorant, under/over-medicated, drunk, or just plain unstable…………I have to laugh inside, after feeling deeply sorry for their apparent issues. This happened quite recently, when Someone Having Inborn Troubles (S.H.I.T) called me a “fucking psychopath”. I don’t know if S.H.I.T thought I would be angry, start to cry or what. BUT………I thought it was trashy and sad.
Psycho or misunderstood?
Things that make you go hmmmm!
*fuck·ing*
damned; confounded (used as an intensifier).
OKAY………So there really isn’t much to address here. If you are going to throw out the word psychopath, bitch, slut, or even dumbass………..I guess adding this word in front adds “umph”. Good for you for showing some extra initiative.
Nice application!
*psy·cho·path*
a person with a psychopathic personality, which manifests as amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience
a·mor·al
1. not involving questions of right or wrong; without moral quality; neither moral nor immoral.
2. having no moral standards, restraints, or principles; unaware of or indifferent to questions of right or wrong: a completely amoral person.
e·go·cen·tric
1. having or regarding the self or the individual as the center of all things: an egocentric philosophy that ignores social causes.
2. having little or no regard for interests, beliefs, or attitudes other than one’s own; self-centered: an egocentric person; egocentric demands upon the time and patience of others.
This is a lot to work through.
SO………Let’s address this.
- I’m not amoral, except on this blog.
- I understand and comply with the rules of right and wrong. WELL……..Maybe not when I told my daughter and her friends that the boy group One Direction died after suffocating in their skinny jeans.
- I have moral standards, restraints and principles. AND………To be clear………what goes on in my bedroom, with my hubby, doesn’t factor in. BUT………..we definitely have restraints.
- I couldn’t confuse myself as being the center of things if I wanted to. My life revolves around my family, who know its all about me.
- I am passionate about social causes, especially those involving children. I fully endorse child labor.
- I take a great interest in my friend’s lives and what they are passionate about. Well, as long as it pertains to me.
- I am open to other’s beliefs and attitudes. So what if I don’t agree with your sorry ass views.
- I don’t demand attention from others. Please make sure to “chain letter” my blog posting to 20 of your friends or you suck.
SERIOUSLY……….All joking aside. Except for all of the sentences beginning with “I”, I am not egocentric. I am not amoral, and therefore, am not a psychopath. Besides, if I really were a psycho, you shouldn’t call me one. Real psychos wouldn’t remain calm and mature. They would go off on your ass and for less than name calling.
BUT……..I don’t want you going through life worrying about knowing a psychopath, and a “fucking” one at that……..I will make some promises, based on the definitions above, so you sleep with both eyes shut.
I will not:
hate someone because I wanted “their love” to date a person of my choosing.
send nasty text messages to “?”, and then forward them to “?’s” minor child and spouse.
get drunk and grab people’s private parts.
kill animals or people, except with humor.
invite men over to my home when my spouse isn’t around.
cheat and blame someone else.
encourage friends to stray, but criticize “non-friends” who cheat.
surf porn while reading the Bible.
curse and degrade my children for sport.
befriend someone, while secretly working to put their job/child visitation and freedom at risk.
flaunt my son’s special needs for my own amusement/attention.
pretend my mini-van is cool.
encourage my kids to do/say inappropriate things so I can put it on the internet.
think everything that is said or done is all about me.
become jealous and devalue (publically) others for skills they possess that I don’t.
lie about my age more than 2x.
think its cool to have minions.
go through friends like underwear because I’m insecure.
get jealous when others get attention.
wear white after labor day, unless it yellowed.
abuse the generosity of others.
get upset if my friends have other friends they spend time with.
say horrible, insensitive things when people are at their lowest.
double dip with the peanut butter.
try to turn people against each other because I need a project for the day.
be a S.H.I.T and take my problems out on others.
(Not that any of this matters to someone who doesn’t read my blog anyway, right??!!??)
I’ve been learning sign language.
Doing it old school……high school that is.
6 AugOKAY………So I debated about this post for a bit. Sorry to go all juvenile on you guys, but it must be done. In the past two years, I’ve had to deal with a few people unraveling……….0 to 60 for no clear reason. If I thought my health insurance would cover it, I’d get the magnet removed that causes the attraction. Let me clear things up for several people.
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I am not responsible if your family gets murdered.
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My husband and I are not swingers. BUT…..….If we were, sorry…….You two are not our type.
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I believe people should pay their debts, even if you owe a millionaire money.
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It’s poor form to grab my husband’s crotch and act like it was an accident.
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Stealing someone’s property is ILLEGAL!
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I exercise to stay in shape, not to piss you off.
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Sending my hubby messages via Facebook and/or phone is unwise.
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Make no mistake, my husband is on my side.
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I heard you did me a favor by being my friend. Gee……Thanks!
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Not everything is about you.
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I’ve only posted about one (the Despicable One). Up until this post, you’ve just been feeding into your own paranoia.
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No one gets to mess with my kids without some backlash.
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I don’t care how drunk someone is. I don’t like people grabbing my breasts.
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Coming into my home and being mean to my friends, is beyond uncool.
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Before you start calling people names, you should really look up the definitions of the words you use.
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My kids can hear their sailor talk from me, but thanks for the free language arts lesson.
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Your world is very small, but mine isn’t.
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I love drama, but only on the stage.
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Heavy drinking is not my idea of socializing. I have a life and a liver to protect.
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My husband’s tolerance of your disrespect for him, doesn’t make him a wimp…….it makes him a gentleman.
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It’s okay to close the bridge without feeling like you have to set it on fire.
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We share a different idea of success and a different set of values.
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Most of the problems we’ve had……….are all in your head.
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We will never be friends again, but I wish you the best………because that’s how I roll!
Songs about killing and hatred……Does someone need a hug?
2 AugShocking as it may seem………I am not a fan of cop killing, gay bashing or racist songs. To be blunt, they seem pretty fucking unnecessary to me. OH……….Did I fail to mention how ignorant they are? I suppose there are people, who think these songs are super cool and badass, but there are also people who eat their boogers, even into adulthood. Just sayin’!
Perhaps I would have more respect for these artists……….SORRY…….…I had to throw up in my mouth a little…….…if the lyrics were more honest.I mean, why do you really want to kill cops? Let’s be honest. It’s because you want to do various horrible, immoral and illegal things. Some of these things may include: rape, murder, beatings, robbery, drug dealing…….and so on and so forth. You want to do these things and be left alone. Sorry! I guess life isn’t fair. Didn’t your momma teach you that? Perhaps you should sing songs about the lawmakers as well. After all, they may have something to do with the laws the police are supposed to enforce. And how about the President of the United States? I suppose he endorses your behavior? Why not write song lyrics about your grandma? Unless you think she approves of your behavior. Oh……and for those who feel they are justified because of some kind of police brutality…….I have never heard a song naming Officer John Doe. The “brotherhood” does not mean every officer is accountable for another officer’s actions. If my sibling screws someone over…….WELL……It ain’t my fault. Seriously! So stop calling me!
AND……..How about you homophobes? Is it really necessary to announce to the world how you feel about sexual orientations other than those that are heterosexual. Screams out insecurity to me. What are you afraid of? Rejection??!!??
AND LASTLY……..Does the world need to know you are an ignorant racist? I’m referring to all the shades of racism.
Since these songs seem to be so popular among a limited “so smart they seem stupid” audience, I think we should expand. I think we should have songs about hating the dentist. Let’s face it……..going to the dentist sucks. How about slurs against the Disney Channel for running shows that make our children think parents don’t really exist? I’m currently writing a song about killing stirrup pants. Lord knows, we don’t need to bring those back. Here are some other ideas we can rage about:
- eating vegetables
- brushing our teeth
- washing our hands
- putting the toilet seat down
- calling someone after you sleep with them
- homework
- flossing
- pretending you like your in-laws
Let me know if anyone can come up with some really incredible song lyrics!
Hair to the rescue.
3 MarThe economy sucks and stay at home moms are feeling even more pressure to save money and earn money if possible. The good news is, the solution has been right under our noses this whole time. Not only has it been under our noses, but it’s been under our armpits and panties the entire time. That’s right. Let’s go natural and stop shaving to improve our way of living.
Think of the savings just by not shaving. You can save money on:
- shaving cream
- razors
- waxing
- electricity (He won’t want the lights on much longer.)
- going out (Bagging Big Foot may be a twisted fantasy in the bedroom, but he’s going to be keeping you indoors sweetheart.)
Think of other possibilities and further savings involved. Such as:
- baby carrier (Pubic hair comes through a special “snatch patch” opening sewn into dresses.)
- multi-purpose carrier (water bottles, groceries, coolers….Just make sure to use horse shampoo to strengthen and lengthen.)
- dog leash
- restraints/whips (Business or Pleasure)
- bikini (This can be wrapped several ways for diversity.)
There are opportunities to start your own business. Check into:
- towing business (Get some natural girls like you together to pull that car out of a ditch. NO expensive equipment or truck is needed.)
- fetish business (Set up a website for all those freaks, who love their women hairy.)
- dog walking business
Don’t think you can’t make a statement or show your beauty. Try:
- forming dreadlocks
- adding bows/ribbons
- braiding
- extensions (This could also add to your income earning potential.)
- color it
- perm it
Come on ladies. Start growing your hair out and create a new glorious life for yourself and your families. You won’t regret it until you realize, he’ll dump your ass if you don’t start shaving and then…..think positive thoughts ladies:
DIVORCE
(another money-making venture if you play your cards right)
Cheap Love: Courtesy of “The Coach”
14 FebI know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. A hooker on the street, who clearly needs dental work and a bath is not going to break the bank. They may break your no STD streak though, but only if that’s a concern to you. There’s also that person at work, who gets drunk off cough syrup and takes it all off for a chili dog at 7-11. BUT….I’m not talking about that. I’m back to America’s Romance Coach. Let’s give another round of sighs and gagging sounds to Gregory Godek. I found some really great and cheap ideas for romance out of his supposed bestselling book, 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC.
- Run a bubble bath and have sex in the tub. Okay. Bubble baths can lead to urinary tract infections, which hurt like a mother
fucker. Unless you want that intercourse to be your last for a while, don’t do it in the damn bubble bath. - Put a love letter in a bottle and leave it floating in the bathtub. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t the purpose romance? A message traveling miles upon miles and even years in the water, is mysterious and magical. This idea sucks big time. Why not just drop it in the toilet?
- Speaking of which: Write notes on rolls of toilet paper. What a turn on. There’s nothing more I’d like than to put “I Love You.” on a sheet and then have my love wipe their ass with it. Seriously, is he joking?
- Send her a copy of your résumé and attach a note saying you want to know her better. Fucking stupid. Enough said on that idea.
- Give him a toy telephone with a note asking E.T to phone home more often. Wow! I bet he can hardly control the growth in his pants imagining a shriveled up alien, who looks like he’s in need of a neck circumcision.
“The Coach” also has some ideas strictly for the singles out there.
- Pushing the résumé idea awfully hard again. Economic times are tough. So….Unless they can also offer you a job, don’t bother.
- Celebrate the onset of her menstrual cycle with champagne. This is to celebrate the relief of the male and to ease the pain of the female. WTF! I would love to hear opinions on that idea.
- When giving jewelry, never package it in a ring box unless it’s an engagement ring. Why ask for trouble? Okay. This jackass is just pissing me off now.
Here are some lovely thoughts for married couples.
- In the middle of a party/event, whisper to your mate that they are the best. Why the whisper? Are you embarrassed or something? Wouldn’t it mean more if you said it out loud so others knew you meant it.
- Frame your wedding license and hang it on the wall. I don’t know about romantic, but it’s a nice reminder that you’ll legally obligated to each other.
- He also suggests: Making a small copy of your wedding license and putting it in your wallet next to your driver’s license. That way, when someone questions how anyone could be brain-dead enough to marry a dumbass like you, you can whip it out and prove someone was that brain-dead.
“The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.”
8 DecThis night did not turn out the way I had hoped. I usually fly by the seat of my pants with this blog. I sit down and just spit something out, but today was different. I took pictures. I had a plan. In fact, I had two different posts I was toying with. Which one to do? Well the answer is, not either fucking one. You see, I had the pictures and the basic concept, but I hadn’t written anything. I wait and do that on the fly. BUT….I need a fairly clear head and some focus to write something creative. Usually, after the baby goes to sleep I start to write. BUT…………………………………
First: The ex comes to pick the kids up and says he needs to talk to me privately. He starts with: “I don’t really know how to say this.” Then he proceeds to tell me that his estranged wife, who left him over the summer is having an affair. I laugh, because I can’t help myself and say, “How can she be having an affair if you aren’t together?” This is when he gets really irate and says, “We aren’t legally separated!” AND…..being the compassionate person that I am, then said, “You of all people shouldn’t care about that.” So I’m wondering why the hell he told me this. I don’t give a shit. Perhaps he thought I could relate since it happened to me. Oh…let me think, with him. What a dumbass!
Second: The kids get dropped off at 8:15 p.m. and still had homework to do. After a lot of crying and yelling, that would’ve brought the police by if we lived in an apartment, their work was finished at 10:00 p.m.
Thirdly: My brain was toast after all that, and I began stress eating. I had some chips and a bowl of pasta with butter that I finished about five lines back. I’m enjoying my one of several beers and hoping no one wakes up……EVER.
I’m toasting myself to a better tomorrow.
It’s rough in this town.
5 DecPeople think that all is fine and dandy when you live in a small town, but they would be wrong. Life is tough around here, especially for our children. Shockingly enough: There’s a liquor store in town to keep all of us complacent. I think some folks around here might even be bootleggers. Sometimes, the cashiers at the grocery store double charge you on the milk. AND…I’m pretty sure someone took a Christmas card out of my mailbox last year. Our kids have to be bad ass bitches to grow up here and sometimes….it’s all just too much.
My daughter being "jumped in" by a local recess gang.
Learning to use street weapons at a young age.
My baby. Drunk off his ass, as usual.
Gang member sis...helping with his detox.
