Michael Jackson: Newly Released Phone Call from 1995

SO……..I stumbled upon the oddest thing. I found (in my twisted mind) a transcript of a phone call between Michael Jackson and some chick. That in itself is odd…..I know! BUT……It’s crazy, because the phone call uses every song title from his albums:



BAD (87)




……..and the ULTIMATE COLLECTION (04)

Michael: Little Susie,  or whatever your name is. You are a P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing). We’ve known each other since my Childhood, which means, we met yesterday and I know my genitals say we should Just Good Friends, but I want you to be The Lady In My Life, at least for enough time to get busy.

Girl: Say, Say, Say what you want, but not This Time Around. I don’t know if I can trust youI Can’t Help It, my last boyfriend was a Cheater, and it’s Human Nature to want to take things slow.

Michael: Come on. Baby Be Mine! I need to prove to the world that you aren’t just some Stranger In Moscow that I made up. People think I’m In The Closet and there’s Another Part Of Me I’m trying to hide from the world. I’m trying to Heal The World one child at a time. There’s no Monkey Business going on, except for that one I have at home.

Girl: I ain’t no Tabloid Junkie, but I’m a Superfly Sister and I don’t need to be caught up in no Carousel. So, maybe you aren’t with The Man child they pictured you with, but what about B.J?

Michael: I like those.

Girl: No! The girl.

Michael: Billie Jean is not my Girlfriend. Hell, she isn’t even my lover. She’s just a Street Walker that I felt Bad for. She was Working Day And Night for hardly any Money. I swear we never had sex. I just Beat It a few times in front of her when she talked about The Lost Children. That’s HIStory.

Girl: Okay. What about D.S.? You know…the dirty slut? I’m not going to Rock With You if you Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ with her. I’m freaking Speechless. She goes commando and plugless when she’s on her period and gets Blood On The Dance Floor. She is straight up nasty.

Michael: You mean Dirty Diana? She’s Out of My Life. We spent a few days to Come Together. We experimented with 2000 Watts, played a few rounds of Someone Put Your Hand Out and invited a few friends over to Jam in with me.  It was intense. the experience made me Cry, gave me Butterflies, and required more Privacy than anyone should be allowed. I felt Threatened. I saw Ghosts. I became Scared Of The Moon. I took Morphine and something called Speed Demon until the Break Of Dawn. I thought I could Fly Away, but then, I thought, Heaven Can Wait. I mean….if I even go there. The stench was so bad when we were done, The owner said: “We have to Burn This Disco Out”.

Girl: You Can’t Let Her Get Away or you will let her Ease On Down The Road? Pick one!

Michael: You have to understand. She Drives Me Wild, but You Rock My World. You are fooled by the Man In The Mirror I’m pretending to be. I Just Can’t Stop Loving You for being so stupid. You Are My Life. Don’t Walk Away. I’m begging you. It’s The Way You Make Me Feel. Is this too soon? Is It Scary?

Girl: The Girl Is Mine, she’s not mine! Whatever! I’m getting whiplash here. Remember The Time I called you and you said you were home with Bubbles laying in the chamber together? Well, a Sunset Driver told me he saw you out with that Liberian Girl?

Michael: Bull crappy! It was a boy with long hair!

Girl: That’s even worse! He saw you Get On the Floor and get a Thriller. And he heard you yell: “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”! Then he jumped back over the security wall at Neverland Ranch.

Michael: Wait! Were you following me? I thought I saw Someone In The Dark. Girl, that shit is Dangerous. I don’t care if you’re Black Or White. That place is Off The Wall. You can Scream and SHOUT and no one’s gonna do a damn thing. Get It?

Smooth Criminal everywhere you look? Besides, I’ve never done anything inappropriate with anyone, who wasn’t legally unable to consent,  intimidated, or influenced by my fame and “assumed”, but ever-diminishing wealth.  Why You Wanna Trip On Me?

Girl: Oh my God. Your ability to live in an alternate universe is Unbreakable. It’s The Falling In Love with the wrong things that freaks me out. I mean really, the Elephant Man’s skeleton? And no one ever believed the relationships with Brooke and Lisa Marie. Please just Leave Me Alone.

Michael: I’m Invincible and you are no Heartbreaker, but the good news…..You Are Not Alone.  I will let this phone call slide and give you Once More Chance. You should just Give In To Me. The Way You Love Me doesn’t matter because I’m the King of Pop and Whatever Happens, You Can’t Win. The truth is, the world’s people, They Don’t Care About Us celebrities. They just care how we fuck up and if we are Gone Too Soon. So, let’s say you put a Smile on your face. Marry me. Give me what I want. I will write some crappy Earth Song, make millions and then we can split once We’ve had Enough.

Girl: Well…..when you put it that way. So……Will You Be There?

Michael: Hell no! I won’t even let my sperm be there. I found a donor for us.

Girl: Who is it? They aren’t 2 Bad, right?.

Michael: Keep The Faith. This isn’t Bubbles first rodeo.

***Telephone transcript between Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe.***

Part 2: If it stumbles like a drunk……….(WARNING: post rambles on)

If you read yesterday’s post, then you know I’m pondering my relationship with my daily alcohol consumption. 

AM I AN ALCOHOLIC?  I don’t have a strong craving for alcohol.  I’m not physically dependant for survival, although it does help to be a better person. Seriously, you should meet me when I’m not drinking. I can limit myself…if I want to do so. Unless of course I get drunk and then I’m not in charge anymore. ANSWER: No

DO I HAVE AN ALCOHOL ABUSE PROBLEM?   Oh wait…..I did pour some of my beer out the other day. Okay….I’m a damn alcohol waster. BUT….I don’t let it interfere with my home life or relationships with people. If they don’t fucking like the way I drink they can step off or get a bottle to the head.  I don’t drink and take part in dangerous situations. Although, I have been known to think while drinking and some have told me that puts all in a precarious place. There was also that Kama Sūtra moment, but we don’t want to go there. Okay…you do, but I don’t. AND…..No legal problems have resulted from my drinking. Although, it might be considered a crime to have hooked up with some of the losers I did in college due to alcohol tunnel vision. ANSWER: No

AM I A DRUNK?   When I drink, my brain function isn’t impaired to the point where I have poor judgment. I never pissed in the corner or my dresser drawer, just in my pants. However, a sneeze induced moment because you’ve had kids doesn’t count. My judgment is spot on, although some of my postings may have you questioning this. It doesn’t cut my reaction time. Of course, when I drink now, I’m at home doing this blog or watching television. BUT…..I’m pretty sure I type just as fast and my eyes still blink the same amount of times. I don’t lose my balance and my motor skills are good. Although, I’m not really paying attention. When I get up, I’m getting another beer and my brain function is slightly impaired, so I’m not too sure. My speech is not slurred (not on a nightly basis), but again, everyone is asleep so I only have myself to talk to. I think I sound okay. ANSWER: No. Although, I won’t lie. I was drunk 1x in the last eight months (the fault of my bitch friend per last post…) when this nightly drinking thing happened upon me. See how I pass the buck there? That’s something a drunk would say.

AM I A CLOSET DRINKER?  There was a time, but the closet was almost as big as a room. I don’t hide the fact that I drink. I may have hidden my alcohol before, but that’s because I’m friends with a bunch of drunks. ANSWER: No

AM I A SOCIAL/CASUAL DRINKER?  Have I had drinks at other people’s homes or had people over for drinks? Yes, but a social drinker does not intend to get drunk. I’ve never set out to get drunk when I have some drinks, but that “does not intend” leaves a lot of room to screw up. ANSWER: Yes

DO I DRINK IN MODERATION? Well, I thought so, but not according to the Dietary Guidelines of America. I’d like the opinions of some non-americans here. Apparently, these tight asses say that heavy drinking is anything more than 1 drink per day for women and 2 drinks per day for men. ANSWER: No. This kind of news makes me want to drink more excessively, get drunk and rob a liquor store. After all, I’m already a heavy drinker.

AM I A BINGE DRINKER? Those bastards who came up with the Dietary Guidelines of America, while drunk off their asses at the local bar, say that I might be. Binge drinking is 5 or more drinks for men and 4 or more drinks for women in a 2 hour period. The bastards that be, say this usually leads to a blood alcohol concentration of 0.08%. I’m guessing it depends on what you’re actually drinking. ANSWER: Yes, per the bastards that be.

CONCLUSION: I am a social drinker, who doesn’t intend to get drunk, but has allowed this to happen because I don’t know how to drink in moderation. This has led to binge drinking on occasion and sometimes in a closet . When I discover I’ve had enough, I may abuse alcohol by pouring it down the sink. Hmmmmm. My only consolation is that I drink beer water: Budweiser Select 55 with a 2.4% alcohol content, 55 calories and only 1.9 carbs. This is a beer I can drink excessively and still feel good about it in the morning.

If there are any mistakes in this post, have a drink and get over it.

Whose afraid of the big bad consultant?

Unless you’ve been sleeping in a very deep hole located under a rock, you’re probably aware of the economic situation and that Occupy Wall Street thingie that’s going on. On that note, I’d like to give a shout out to Kayne West for showing up, and NOT demanding that Beyoncé become the leader of the protest. I guess that Taylor Swift thing made an impact.

So…I started thinking about my little town and all the consultants here. More power to them, we’re all trying to make some money, except for me. I’m just trying to make dinner on a regular basis. Now…these consultants, a lot of them acquaintances of mine, are trying to sell their “this and that’s” to us all. We’ve got a lady for it all: Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, Lia Sophia, Mary Kay and ThirtyOne. This is where they decide to waterboard or stick bamboo shoots under my nails. In this economy, can I really afford to buy your wares?

**(On a side note: I just left this blog post to take a picture of my frickin’ adorable son, who is sporting a Flock of Seagulls hairstyle. I turned on my camera and the screen showed “Camera Battery Exhausted”. What the hell??!!??  I’m fucking exhausted, where’s my battery replacement? Can I wear a sign that says that? Will my family leave me alone? Yeah….I didn’t think so. It’s settled. I’m getting a robot.)**

Back to business: In this rural little place, (with subdivisions) consultants are like drug dealers, tobacco venders and door to door ABC stores all rolled up into one. Times are tough and it’s hard to get by. We all need a fix and something to numb the pain and reality of life.

Here comes someone, right to my front door, selling  happiness and convenience. The first knock on the door is the Pampered Chef lady. It all sounds so good….shiny pans, heavy clay cooking dishes and fancy containers with humidifier tabs for storing food in your icebox. Whatever will I do? It’s all so tempting, but I always scratch those non-stick dishes and end up with poisonous bits in my eggs. I’m afraid of dropping those heavy clay pots and why the fuck does my refrigerator have separate compartments for meat, vegetables and fruit if I need fancy tabbed containers? I’ll stick with GladWare for now. I sent her away.

Then came another knock. It was the Tastefully Simple lady. She brought samples in her tidy little basket, because unlike the Pampered Chef lady, she knows what the fuck she’s doing. I ate those samples up like brunch at Costco. I had to turn her away though. I can’t feed my family those tasteful dishes. They would become spoiled and accustomed to goodness. They would expect to remain in that lifestyle. My family doesn’t deserve a lifestyle! Currently, they’re trained to eat whatever the hell I put in front of them. Why would I want to change that perfect system? Bye bye!

With knock three, I was bombarded by, who I thought were the three bears. It was the three barracudas selling me Lia Sophia, Mary Kay and ThirtyOne. Lia Sophia had the most beautiful jewels in the land. I would surely catch a prince wearing those lovelies. Alas, in my younger days those jewels only landed me an ass. I pawned those lovelies to pay my credit card bill. I may not have a prince, but I have a knight. He wears headgear and really doesn’t notice my face. No need for jewelry and on that note; there’s no need for Mary Kay. Besides, years ago I made a bargain with a special wizard to expand my bust. I don’t even need my face. It’s a nice fairytale for young girls, thinking that shiny clean hair, pretty blemish free faces and painted faces keep catch a prince, but that’s a big fat lie. Bag it up and lay down. Now..I almost fell for the ThirtyOne, until I found out it was bags and purses, not the promise of turning back time a decade.

Then came knock number four. Who could this be? I wasn’t expecting another suitor. I opened the door amazed. It was my fairy Godmother with everything a girl needs to be happy with or without Prince Charming. The magic she had in her grasp was like nothing I had seen before. She cold barely hold the power in her hands.  I gladly gave her my money with the promise of leaving the worries of this world behind and embracing the beauty of myself. Who was this magical person? It was the Slumber Parties lady, of course. One chain link see-thru bikini later, along with some magical gadgets and the blue birds began to fly around my head singing. I did ask the dwarfs to leave. That was a bit much.

Some things you just can’t put a price on. That feeling puts me in the 100% people.  

If I Only FoundThis Sooner………….

I was going through some old papers of mine and I found a cocktail napkin my now ex-husband gave to me the night we met. I thought it was to put my drink on. He wrote his number on it so I took it home. I just realized he wrote a note on the back. Damn….that would have saved me a lot of time.

Listen. I’m telling you a bunch of
bullshit about myself right now so you’ll be into me and think I’m great.
Nothing that I’m saying is even remotely true and it never will be. I’m a
sociopath. In a short amount of time I’m going to tell you that I love you
because it’s a good way to get sex and I can tell you don’t want to live with
your parents anymore.  We are going to get
married because I basically want someone to throw me a free drunk fest and lavish
me with free gifts. We will have a horrible time within months of getting
married because I am extremely vain. I also think I’m Irish and use that as an
excuse to drink heavily. In addition, I’m secretly a serial cheater. I’d say it’s
because I’m irresistible, but we all know I’m just an asshole with low
self-esteem. I’m going to continue cheating during our marriage because I’m a
slimy pig. I will make up elaborate lies about where I am and what I’m doing
because I don’t have the balls to tell you the truth. Weak sons of bitches do
that. And yes…I am actually calling my mom a bitch. You won’t do anything
wrong, but she’ll hate you because you were born. It’s hard to be nice when you
have a stick up your ass. I’ll also complain about everyone in life being
against me because I’m better than them and they are jealous. In reality, I’m
just a whiny little sissy. You will finally see me for the worthless piece of
nothing that I am and leave my sorry ass. That’s when I will beg and cry and
pretend to love you more than I love myself. You’ll keep going find a real man
who is a great husband and father. Within a month….I will meet a new victim and
pull the same crap. Oh….did I mention we will have two kids, so I’ll be a thorn
in your side for a very long time. So…..do you want me to buy you another

Lorre-isms (…not Chuck)

Seriousness is not my thing to share with the world, so I put my own spin on some things we have all experienced or witnessed.

1. If you find yourself to be someone’s “project”….Just know…. it’s not you who needs the fixing or the attention. Okay…..so this one is not too funny, but you know what I’m talking about. Let’s face it….we have to share the blame if someone takes us under their smothering wing. We open the flood gates with some testimony. Usually it goes something like: “Oh damn….I don’t know what to do? I am totally f*#@*ing up my life.”….OR….”I’m so freaking fat.  I should just tape the food directly to my fat ass.”…..OR……”He said that charge for  Victoria’s Secret was for his friend’s mom and he is going to get paid back.”( I know that one from experience.) Let’s discuss this. It’s what I call being a pathetic, shitty mess. If I see a big steaming pile of poop in my path, then I’m going to clean it up. If you present yourself this way, then people will feel the need to make you smell and look pretty again. Initially….this is okay and human nature, but eventually, a normal person will pick a new path that isn’t smothered in shit all of the time. Or….they may cover it with newspaper and walk around or over. In reality, that means they will ignore your ass. Do not spray the mess with Febreeze. It does not work. So snap the hell out of it before you become a “pet” project of someone’s. There are people out there who live their lives to direct, fix and change others. I imagine it gets the focus off their own screwups. So if you f*#@*d your life up, then send it flower’s and use a condom next time. That way you can throw your future screw ups in the trash. If you think you are fat then you can do one of two things. Find someone fatter and rejoice in how great you look compared to them or get off your ass and change. Bitching about it will burn very little calories. I actually recommend taping the food to your ass. If it’s on your ass, you aren’t eating it, but  someone behind you surely will. That could also be a way to meet someone new. If you are constantly catching your partner in lies…..you don’t need an outsider to tell you what to do. If you do, then you are an idiot with bigger problems to solve. To recap: Stop feeding the animals. Get your shit together and stop leaving it for other people to step in. And…for those who like to play in other people’s shit,  you disgust me. You have your own life. Get back to it, but wash your hands first.

Stupid Bitch

So…..I have been going through all my papers and I found a lot of very bitter crap. What a shocker! I found a poem or song…I’m really not sure . I’m assuming I wrote this during one of my sucky first marriage moments. I have a separate blog for poetry and short stories, but this just seemed to fit more on this blog.

Stupid bitch, stupid bitch

It’s your fault for believing that shit

You got the itch..had to have true love

Didn’t care that he wasn’t enough

You had your dreams

He had his escape

You kept giving and he would take

“I told you so” doesn’t seem to be enough

So damn blind in the name of love

You sit at home and wait for the phone

Stupid bitch…..stupid bitch

You are so damn stupid

Remember this

Here you are all alone

Nothing left, but an empty home

Suck it up…..you’re to blame

Gave your heart, it’s a crying shame

Stop crying…there’s no time

Life can’t wait  ’cause love is blind

Thinking…give it another try

Then you deserve to cry

Get cozy with the lies

Next time you get that itch

Remember…don’t be a stupid bitch

 This poem or whatever…proves that self loathing does not work. Afterall, I believe I stayed in that relationship for more years to come. I suffered from that horrific itch over and over again. I thought it was love, but now I know it was more than likely an STD passed on from all his lady friends.  I finally found that special cream to get that creepy itch to go away. I found it between sections “You screw more than a construction worker” and  “You tell more stories than hollywood”.

I have to laugh because I also found a brainstorming list  to a book I never wrote. Based on the contents,  I wrote it after meeting this man  and was so blinded with “love” that I thought I knew something about romance worth sharing.

So here it is with  my response to my 24-year-old self.

  • The Search (what to look for, what to avoid, where to go, where not to go, what to wear and how to behave)
  • Search Over? (how do you know, saying I love you, making the committment, engagement, planning wedding, reception, honeymoon, life forever)

First…I had to wipe the vomit off my shirt after typing and rereading this garbage. I seriously didn’t partake in drugs, but I sure sound like I’m high.

My mom was never around to give me advice and quite frankly, ill-equipped to do so. I can only think about what I would tell my own daughter, who is nine, and hopefully a long way from any type of romantic relationship.

The Search (what to look for, what to avoid, where to go, where not to go, what to wear and how to behave)……..Don’t look at all. Once you start looking for something, even if you never had it before, you begin to feel a loss. Then you become increasing desperate as time goes on and you don’t find love. You  look towards people and things to fill the void. You become a whore, an alcoholic, a drug addict…or worse…hooked on reality television. You  begin to act like a frantic crazy person. You stop practicing good hygiene and you try to come back home to live with your parents. Don’t look. Let love find you.  what to avoid…..Avoid anyone who lives in anyone’s basement. Don’t get hooked up with anyone who has someone else (mommy) paying their bills. Stay away from anyone who wears an overwhelming amount of cologne. There is something present worth covering up and you don’t want to find out what that is.  Momma’s boys seem sweet, but they will suck the life out of you. First, their mother will never accept you. You will always be a trashy, stupid bitch, and this I know from experience. Second, you will become their new momma. I hope you like doing everything for your man, because aside from wiping their ass, which you will probably do later, you will be their domestic slave. Bypass any man who thinks they are prettier than you. That’s just plain wrong. where and where not to go…… Basically, avoid the crack houses. Of course….if you are there, then you must be on crack too and you would deserve a crack companion. If you get on crack…you are on your own. No advice for you! what to wear and how to behave….Wear clothes and keep them on. Don’t be a stupid bitch.
Search Over? (how do you know, saying I love you, making the committment, engagement, planning wedding, reception, honeymoon, life forever)……..This section is easier. how do you know….You don’t know. You never know until one of you screws up royally. Then based on what was done and if the injured party stays……you know. saying I love you…..Unless you know several different languages that your partner understands….I suggest just saying it, but in person. Don’t try to tweet, email, call, pass a note or go through a friend. Also, don’t say it when either of you are drunk or during or after sex. Buzz Kill! making the committment and the  engagement…..Don’t pick a wedding date that is a holiday or already significant to you in any way. It will only piss you off if you end up getting a divorce.   Don’t go into debt getting a ring  either. It’s not worth it. Matching t-shirts are a much better deal. planning wedding, reception and honeymoon…..Spend what you like sweetie. The father of the bride has to pick up that tab. As far as the honeymoon goes……I don’t want to know. life forever…..Unless you are going to end up in some cryogenic lab, there is no forever. Just remember this: If it doesn’t work out, my door is always open to very short-term visits.