SO…….Thing 1 (12-years-old) was watching reality television with me last night. It doesn’t seem surprising that reality TV would lend itself to sexual issues, but we weren’t watching Bad Girls or The Bachelor/ette. AND…….Big Brother doesn’t come on for a few more months. I thought I was safe, but clearly, I was wrong.
WE WERE WATCHING:
On this show, aspiring or established chefs compete with merely the taste of their food to get who the hell knows what. Seriously, I haven’t gotten far enough into the show to care. BUT……..Last night a woman said the judges would have a mouth orgasm when they tasted her food. For a second, I thought it had escaped him. Then, Thing 1 asks: “What’s an orgasm?”
Suddenly, I’m in an awkward position. Do I pretend I don’t hear him and change the subject? Do I tell him not to worry about it and forget he heard that word? THEN……. I think about him asking some kid in school who eats his own earwax. What the fuck is that dude gonna say? Do I really want my kid asking dumbasses at school what shit means? Hells no!!
That won’t work! I don’t want to be the cause of kids around America substituting the word imagination with masturbation.
Oh my goodness. I definitely don’t want to go there.
ME: You don’t need to say that word. It’s a sex word.
Thing 1: Oh?
ME: It has to do with feeling good.
Thing 1: (looks at me as if to need more information)
ME: Boys your age or a bit older can make themselves feel good all on their own in the privacy of their room.
Thing 1: (red faced and clearly uncomfortable….) Okay mom. I’m good. Let’s stop talking about this now.
After that little adventure, WE MOVED ON TO:
On of the girls trying out was a young single mom. She began talking about her struggles being so young and raising a child on her own.
Thing 1: That was really dumb not waiting to have a kid. People should wait.
ME: (pumped up from my previous little convo) I don’t think it was thought out. Things like that happen when people are too busy having fun and not being careful.
Thing 1: Well, I’m never going to do stuff like that.
ME: You say that now, but you’ll see a girl some day and get really excited about touching her boobies and that will lead to something else.
Thing 1: (uncomfortable laughing)
ME: Don’t do something stupid and mess up your life or some girl’s life. Be good or be safe.
Thing 1: Okay. I’m not going to do anything.
ME: Well…..If you aren’t smart, the best case…..you get an infection that requires the doctor. It’s possible you get some girl pregnant and then life as you know it……bye, bye. Worst case is a disease that kills you. It might take a few years, but you’ll die. Just saying.
Thing 1: I’m going to bed mom. (….20 minutes earlier than his bedtime)
OKAY……..So who wants me to talk to their kids about the birds and the bees? What about sex stuff?
I’m going to let someone else entertain you today. I’d like to breakdown your brain cells by exposing you to my inappropriate friend Stirling and his equally damaged partner in comedy.
Wild Mullet Kingdom: Episode 1 “The Capture” (Uncensored)
That’s right people. No warning, no protection and no lubricant to ease the pain. BUT……….Thank the lord. No gerbils either. I mean really, who does that shit (pun intended) to a defenseless little animal? Screaming wouldn’t do any good. After all, I asked for it in my own way. Thankfully, the healing has begun and I think it will go back to normal soon.
OKAY……..That was for my naughty friends, who have a deviant lifestyle or wish they did. NOW……Let me translate for all those who think I have parking garage in my backyard. I DON’T.
Translation: Life got away from me the last couple of months. It really messed with the “born out of OCD” plans I always have for myself. It’s true. I was clueless to what would happen with the kids out of school for the summer. Aside from beating them into submission (again…for my deviant friends….you know who you are), there wasn’t much I could do, besides drink, to ease the chaos. Thankfully, I didn’t cave in to their demand of getting little caged animals. Yelling at them was futile though. It just added to the noise in the house. It’s my fault though. I got pregnant and kept those little burdens bundles of joy. Thankfully, the kids have returned to SOL Prison, which is fondly called public school. With them gone, I’ve been drinking less and getting stuff done.
OKAY………So now that you’ve gotten a little taste, I have to step away from the computer tonight. Cowboy is getting a little jealous. I might have to take the horse out of the barn so he can ride. AND……….No bareback. What am I, a masochist? With three Things and The Cute One running around, I don’t need more.
Goodnight my dear friends. I hope it was good for you. BUT……I won’t take offense if you lie through your fucking teeth and fake a blogging orgasm. Isn’t that what most people do???!!!????
My OCD says, I have to tell you that I have a lot of postings to come. Sorry for my slackassness! AND Yes…….My OCD talks to me.
I find it fascinating and disturbing, the search terms that people have used to find my blog. Sadly, it seems hardly anyone actually uses the name of my blog.
Instead they use such terms as:
- any variation of a person/persons of varying ages tied up: Let me just say: This is not and never will be a porn site. AND…….This is most certainly not a site for pedophiles. BUT…….Seriously, you sickos need to hang out elsewhere.
- santa claus tied up: AND……Who is the twisted person that wanted to see Santa Claus tied up? What is wrong with you??!!??
- getting your vibrator to work: UHHHH! Put batteries in it.
- free gay boys: I’m pretty sure I’ve never solicited boys of any kind on my blog, free or otherwise.
- shape changers fucking: Is the thrill in watching them change during the event? Someone get back to me on this one.
- husband and drunk wife invited their best black friend to join: Join your scrabble game? Okay. I am at a loss at how you got here.
- how to get pregnant with a boy: Stop looking up crap like this! Get back to your homework and do the dishes before your mom gets home.
- I want tow fucken my friends hasbend.com: First of all, not to stereotype, but I’d like to think you are challenged in the way of language arts and not just a stupid idiot. This is probably not my business, but you clearly want advice on this topic, hence the search. I think you should deviate from this plan. You will lose your friendship and become, if you aren’t already, a big skank tramp. Sorry for the big words, let me rephrase. No fucken hasbend! Lose friend and you big slutto now!
- Barbies searches are freakishly popular:
- barbie pregnant, fat, old, slut, drunk, porn
- ken fucks barbie:
- drunk barbie cake: Seriously??!!??
- barbie die
- barbie hooker
- ken doll sex
- two or three barbies
- barbie surgery
- ken kills barbie
- why doesn’t barbie ever get pregnant: Because she isn’t real dumbass!
- many variations on husband not being your friend
- celebrities that have rabies: Probably a lot of them.
- koolaid down syndrome: I have never heard of that diagnosis. I’m fairly certain the consumption of Kool-Aid, does not result in down syndrome. BUT….I am not a medical doctor.
- snow white kiss my ass: This must be a search by the evil queen or perhaps a disgruntled dwarf. OR…..Am I supposed to say little person?
- can i fuck your children up and shake them up with ass: If I understand this correctly, you want to research screwing your/someone else’s children up and then frightening them with a backside? Okay. Clearly I will need help with this one. Perhaps I just don’t speak the language. Any translators out there?
- room spinning and shaking after alcohol: The shaking is a new one to me. Perhaps you were drunk during an earthquake? Anyway……don’t drink so much! Glad I could help.
- where is gregory godek today?: I had no idea anyone would want to find him. Remember: He is America’s Romance Coach (the one we never knew we had), which is why we must be failing at love so often.
SO…….I suppose I share some responsibility here. Sorry for my misleading posts, which thwarted your search for truth, ultimate stupid answers and sick videos. I imagine these are a few of the culprits.
Sometimes it’s humor. Sometimes it’s wit. Sometimes it’s sarcasm and many times it’s just damn inappropriate. BUT…..That’s me. Take it or leave it. I’m not changing my thought process or verbal outbursts for anyone. Like I tell most people, it’s a birth defect. Get over it!
Can I be a serious person? Of course dumb shit. I’m serious, sensitive, analytical, creative and I’m a whole bunch of other crap this post isn’t about. Believe it or not, some people, but not many, say that I’m a nice and giving person. Those people aren’t very smart though. It’s important to keep them around though. How else am I going to lift my self-esteem if it isn’t on the backs of those less superior? Now that we’ve settled that, let’s get back to business.
Many moments in my life would have been well suited for drugs (legal or otherwise) and/or therapy. Even as a child, I used humor in all it’s forms, to help me get through tough times. I even tried to use it to get others through theirs. Sometimes, it’s just good to lighten the mood or break the ice.
A sampling of such:
- My mom and dad separated and my sister and I (8 yrs. old) were going to live with her. It was the first time I ever saw my dad upset: “Well, on the bright side, you won’t have to pay for so much lunch money.” My comment upset him more. Oh well, it doesn’t always work.
- I found an email my (ex) husband sent to someone with a picture of his penis. I printed it out with a note to him: “Maybe you should make sure your penis is erect next time, so it doesn’t seem so tiny.”
- * PERSONAL and TMI: I don’t mind sharing this because my hubby does. We were in bed “wrestling” and I felt like it was getting too serious. We needed a mood change. I began to talk in a slow “special” voice and displayed a very confused face: “Wha’ are you doing to me? I work at FasMart. I dun know bout these things. Stop. Stop. Wha’ is that you point at me? You scaring me.” Yes. My hubby was quite startled and lost his mojo, but he laughed his ass off and now labels me the FasMart girl when it suits him. The point is we don’t take ourselves too seriously, no matter what we might be doing.
- *POLITICALLY INCORRECT: I don’t want the fact that my son has down syndrome to define him. I struggled a bit with his diagnosis and I found others did too (not knowing what to say). My friend was concerned about holding him. She said she hadn’t washed her hands: “What are you going to do? He already has down syndrome.” She laughed and held him. After I wrapped my brain around the diagnosis I told people: “At least I won’t have to worry about him driving drunk or getting some girl pregnant in highschool.” I would say: “We’re lucky he has down syndrome, have you seen my other kids? They’re the ones we have to worry about.”
- I loved working with special needs children because they didn’t feel sorry for themselves and often had a great sense of humor about life. One boy I worked with was in a wheelchair. He kept banging his legs into chairs and desks because he was always in a hurry and not too graceful. I told him to stop banging his legs. He said: “Why? It’s not like I need them.” Then I said: “They make your pants look nice.” We were waiting for his bus one day and I noticed we were over the handicapped space with the painted image of the person in the wheelchair. I said: “Look. It’s the crime scene of some handicapped person who died here.” We both had a good laugh.
- My kids hate going to stores and running errands with me. I used to tell them: “You have to come. We might run into your real parents and I want to give you back.”
- Although it’s annoying at times, ( I’m sure mine is), one of the reasons I love my husband is for his sense of humor. We were at his mother’s funeral and everyone was very emotional, of course. He was holding my hand and said in a not so quiet voice: “If my mother were alive, do you know what she would say? Get me out of here!”
Just pretend I’m not here. I’m really breaking from posting for a few days, but I realized I never posted a photo for the Weekly Challenge and I have to do that. The theme is launch and as usual, I have to offer something absurd. I decided to go with what I don’t want launched and that would be my 15 month old, Justice, launching himself down a flight of stairs. My older boys have their rooms in the basement and always forget to close the door. I put a sign up as a reminder and made them write 50 sentences each time they forgot to shut the door. After dishing out the punishment only twice, my hubby thought it was too harsh (big softie and easy to guilt) and just wanted me to keep reminding them. I came up with a second sign to place on the door that I felt might be more effective. Hubby thought it was over the top, but sometimes you have to spell it out for people.