Voice your true feelings
It’s too late when you’re dead
I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. A hooker on the street, who clearly needs dental work and a bath is not going to break the bank. They may break your no STD streak though, but only if that’s a concern to you. There’s also that person at work, who gets drunk off cough syrup and takes it all off for a chili dog at 7-11. BUT….I’m not talking about that. I’m back to America’s Romance Coach. Let’s give another round of sighs and gagging sounds to Gregory Godek. I found some really great and cheap ideas for romance out of his supposed bestselling book, 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC.
- Run a bubble bath and have sex in the tub. Okay. Bubble baths can lead to urinary tract infections, which hurt like a mother
fucker. Unless you want that intercourse to be your last for a while, don’t do it in the damn bubble bath.
- Put a love letter in a bottle and leave it floating in the bathtub. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t the purpose romance? A message traveling miles upon miles and even years in the water, is mysterious and magical. This idea sucks big time. Why not just drop it in the toilet?
- Speaking of which: Write notes on rolls of toilet paper. What a turn on. There’s nothing more I’d like than to put “I Love You.” on a sheet and then have my love wipe their ass with it. Seriously, is he joking?
- Send her a copy of your résumé and attach a note saying you want to know her better. Fucking stupid. Enough said on that idea.
- Give him a toy telephone with a note asking E.T to phone home more often. Wow! I bet he can hardly control the growth in his pants imagining a shriveled up alien, who looks like he’s in need of a neck circumcision.
“The Coach” also has some ideas strictly for the singles out there.
- Pushing the résumé idea awfully hard again. Economic times are tough. So….Unless they can also offer you a job, don’t bother.
- Celebrate the onset of her menstrual cycle with champagne. This is to celebrate the relief of the male and to ease the pain of the female. WTF! I would love to hear opinions on that idea.
- When giving jewelry, never package it in a ring box unless it’s an engagement ring. Why ask for trouble? Okay. This jackass is just pissing me off now.
Here are some lovely thoughts for married couples.
- In the middle of a party/event, whisper to your mate that they are the best. Why the whisper? Are you embarrassed or something? Wouldn’t it mean more if you said it out loud so others knew you meant it.
- Frame your wedding license and hang it on the wall. I don’t know about romantic, but it’s a nice reminder that you’ll legally obligated to each other.
- He also suggests: Making a small copy of your wedding license and putting it in your wallet next to your driver’s license. That way, when someone questions how anyone could be brain-dead enough to marry a dumbass like you, you can whip it out and prove someone was that brain-dead.
I have the book 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC, which I was tempted to give to Goodwill (because everyone needs loving), but it’s great material. The author, Gregory J.P. Godek labels himself, America’s Romance Coach. I’ve never heard of him so I’m not sure how long he’s been coaching us, here in America. Do we have an American Olympic Romance Team? The book was published in 1995, but I don’t remember being on his team. Perhaps that’s why my first incarceration, I mean marriage, failed. If only I had Coach Godek on my side, perhaps my ex-cellmate wouldn’t have parked his car in so many garages and brought home unknown oil stains and grease. Perhaps if I had followed the suggestions, all 1001 of them, offered in “the book”, then things would’ve been different. NOW……Let’s get serious. No amount of romance is going to unwedge private parts or stir up feelings someone never had before. Romance is just the topping on the cake people. And yes, it can mean that kind of cake if you like…….disgusting gutter minded pigs!
It’s great, because the beginning of the book talks about the 2 kinds of romance being obligatory and optional. Wow! Give me some of that obligatory romance because it sounds awesome. Today is a day for that type of romance. Nothing says love more than someone telling you: “you have to”. I’m pretty sure I saw that in an episode of Criminal Minds.
In case anyone needs guidance, let’s explore some of Coach’s ideas and thoughts:
- “Tune-in” to romantic opportunities: He says they are everywhere. We should look on the t.v., radio, in newspapers and magazines. We should even look in shop windows. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting porn out of that.
- Overdo something: He suggests that if your “love” loves something, you should go overboard (ex: loves m&m’s…..buy 50 lbs). My hubby says he loves having alone time. I think I should go out for ice cream and never come back.
- Give your partner choices. He suggests: fast or slow, now or later, large or small, modern or antique, public or private. Wow. What a pervy guy. So….I’m interpreting erect or not-erect, with me or not with me and young twenty year-old or nursing home candidate. HMMMMM?
- He says romance is a balance between: actions speaking louder than words and it’s the thought that counts. WTF! Is Confucius here with some fucked up fortune cookie?
- His thoughts on flowers: give one for every day you’ll be away if traveling, get to know your florist, put one in her purse or his briefcase, put one under the windshield wiper……Well, after you get to know your florist, I’ll assume you are traveling with her and when you get home, I’ll stick a thorny rose up your ass. That will be memorable.
- His specific Valentine’s Day ideas: take this day off from work, send 20 cards to your love, greet him at the door wearing only a red ribbon, buy children’s valentines and fill the sink with them or tape them all over her car. Okay, so I’m love-sick? I’m sure the boss will understand. Can we say stalker? Why the woman and the ribbon? Men clearly have the hanger for proper bow placement. With the money it would cost for that many kid’s valentine’s, I’d rather buy a bunch of tequila, a few bags of sand, put on a horribly fitting bikini and play drunken “spring break” sex with my hubby. You better not put that shit all over my car. I’m not spending a day cursing you while I attempt to get the tape off.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
BUT…..Let’s face it. It is. I can put a dress on a duck and it’s still a duck. It may be a really fucked up looking duck and you will wonder why the hell it has a dress on, but nonetheless, it’s still a duck. SO……Today is Tuesday on my calendar, but to others it is the magical and sometimes despised holiday known as Valentine’s Day. Yeah…..
- For a secret love, today might be a great day to express it. Expressing your deep love and admiration every day could appear romantic, but more than likely, it will appear creepy and questionable. Of course, there may be a really good reason to keep it a secret: they’re married, you’re a sociopath, you’re related to them or you look like Quasimodo. Now, I’m not judging. There’s nothing wrong with a correctly placed hump.
- For a new love of a year or less and definitely before marriage, this holiday is a chance to still seem worth keeping. The typical card with chocolate, flowers and perhaps a dinner date shows that you can follow a simple game plan. That means, you are trainable and therefore, a possible keeper. BUT…….If you are doing dinner without a reservation on this day, then be ready to wait for hours, giving your intended love plenty of time to realize they weren’t that important and that’s the shit they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
- For a love that is going on several years or into marriage, well you’re lucky. You don’t have to do a damn thing more than you’ve done all along, even if that’s nothing. Your mate has either accepted the love you do give and they’re okay with it or they have settled for less than and don’t seem to mind that either. Sometimes you get tired and you just need a place to sit and rest your legs. The heart is no different. NOW……That doesn’t mean they won’t bitch about your lack of effort to their friends, because they will. They’ll admit they told you not to do anything, but later will be pissed as hell when you don’t. AND……if you do something, it will be magical and wonderful, until you fuck something up (forget to take out the trash) or morning comes, whichever is first.
TODAY AT MY HOUSE:
Baby: He doesn’t know what’s going on.
Son: He prayed he would get the stomach virus that’s going around and not have to go to school today. His prayer was answered with a big “Okay”. Why the prayer? He’s eleven and sent a candygram to a girl. It finally hit him that his friends will not let this one rest. He’s hoping tomorrow will be better. I hate to tell him……it won’t.
Daughter: She got all dressed up in various shades of red and pink. She did her nails and asked if she could wear pink eyeshadow to school. She’s nine. That was a big fat “NO!” to her request. She was a little too excited about school today. Who is this boy?
Hubby and Myself: He asked about our Valentine’s plans. I said we don’t have any. I told him I didn’t get him anything, so he doesn’t need to worry about it. He smiled and said he will do something. I acted like I didn’t care, but as I said earlier……………………….
Personally, We don’t like to go all out on this day. We don’t even want to “let the waist out” just a little. See….If we go all out, we will be too exhausted. We’ll have to rest and save our energy for the other 364 days. BUT…….If we strike a nice balance between good days and bad days, then it’s all good. Besides, our legs are tired. We found a nice place to sit and rest. We aren’t going anywhere.