Ruminating The Rumors


A lie is a horrible thing, but a lie with wings is even worse. It flies as far and high as possible, wreaking havoc and destroying lives, or at least….trying to. These pretty little birds of flight are known as RUMORS.

No one has successfully avoided the rumor mill. You either created a rumor, helped spread one, or were on the receiving end.  BUT….Make no mistake, you’ve been tainted. 

Here are a few created and spread about me. Some caught flight for bit and some experienced a horrible death after I clipped their wings.

  • The summer before 9th grade, my mother moved to Texas. I decided to leave Virginia and spend the break with her.  When I returned to school, I discovered that I had given my baby away.  Apparently, I went away to hide my pregnancy and give birth. Who knew!!??!! (Any rich and famous 30-year-olds needing a mommy? Look me up!)
  • After my divorce, my ex told everyone he could (at my children’s events) that I stole 100,000 dollars from him. AND…..Used that money to buy a used car. Okay. Do you see the fucking logic in that?
  • The Spouse-No-Mores tried to convince the world that my hubby and I were cheaters and caused the first marriages to end. NOW….If they meant : We were cheaters because we got together before the divorce papers were signed, then okay. AND…..If they meant: We ended the marriages because we actually bought into the fidelity thing on their part, then okay. I guess they were right.
  • One Spouse-No-More went as far as to tell the children’s “Christian” preschool teacher that I was a slutty cheater. Just the thought of it must have turned that ex on, because every school day, they would follow me outside, into the parking lot, and stop short of my vehicle.  They brought their manly-looking woman friend to stalk along with them. I think they wanted to have sex with me.  Who could blame them??!! It didn’t take long for the teacher and moms to learn the truth.
  • An ex (fondly referred to as: SpongeBob Squarepants) said I slept with 1/2 the county. I tried to do the math, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t really possible. BUT……Maybe I was unconscious at the time, and the other time, and the other time, and the other time, and the…………..
  • After I broke up with a high school boyfriend, he told classmates he did sexual things to me in church, where his father was the preacher, with people sitting around us. Wow! Talk about a religious experience!
  • One of my ex-stepmothers (had 4) said she suspected me of having an inappropriate relationship with my dad because I hugged him goodnight. In her defense, she thought raising her own offspring was too much coddling and let the state put her kids with other folks.

RUMOR QUOTES:

Rumors are mostly a projection of the individual who started them. (ROYA R. RAD, Therapy Dialogue)

Those who feed on rumors are small, suspicious souls. (CHARLES R. SWINDOLL, Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life)

You know what rumors are like–like a jar full of moths. Once they escape, they’re all over the place. (RHYS BOWEN, Oh Danny Boy)

People who spread rumors are like walking infections. The lying words from their mouths spread like disease from person to person. The only way to stop the disease is to keep your mouth shut. (JOYCE HANSEN, One True Friend)

Rumors are created by the jealous and spread by the ignorant. Fortunately, the truth usually wins our!

It’s my party and I’ll make you cry if I want to!


it's_my_birthday!-72165[1]

43 IS AWESOME:

I’m stronger than ever.

My face is holding up (Just don’t look at my hands).

My body isn’t due for an overhaul yet.

I’m fairly certain my mind is in tact.

My words are just as devastating and magical, if not more.

My four kids like me without resorting to bribes….yet.

My husband hasn’t had the itch to bump private parts with anyone else.

I don’t wear mom jeans.

My ass isn’t fat, flat or in need of stick removal.

My breasts still stay up on their own. AND……yes, they’re mine. I have the receipt to prove it.

I have hot flashes, but only in the bedroom.

My friends are the most incredible, genuine, nontoxic bitches around.

My blog buddies still love me, even though I have abandoned them recently. (I left breadcrumbs my darlings!)

I’m mature enough to not have to cover my ass…no need to lie or hide.

I’m secure enough to not give a shit about bullshit.

I’m smart enough to see right through games and false smiles.

I’m nice enough to tolerate those who are intolerable, for the sake of a cause.

Beer and chips are still my friends since I’m working out.

My sense of humor has not left me.

With all its ups, downs, and perfect imperfections, life is amazing. I can’t wait to see what crazy nonsense this year brings for me to hurdle over.

One thing is certain, I will persevere and laugh my way through it all.

If my sticktoitiveness makes you cry along the way, well…..I’m sorry, but this is my life party and I can’t stop to wipe tears.

 

Jodie Foster inspired me.


Today is my four-year wedding anniversary. Condolences can be sent to my husband at a later date.

Lorre Giving Speech

Making it through another year of marriage is amazing.

I’m proud to say, I’ve handled my relationship almost completely sober, 100% drug-free and without stuffing my face with Crisco frosted Twinkies.

We’ve had our ups and down. We fight like cats and dogs, but we make up like sex-starved teens with better stamina.

There are some people I’d like to thank who made this union possible. First, I’d like to thank my ex-husband.

If it weren’t for his penis constantly popping out of his pants and going into others, I might still be in an unsatisfying marriage.

Next, I’d like to thank my husband’s ex.

Due to the high probability that we’ll end up as victims on an episode of Snapped, we must be delicate.

Thanks for your “inappropriate” relationships.

After my speech, please remind me to buy a Taser and get a restraining order.

Anyway……

I’m blessed to have a husband who doesn’t mind having a used/pre-owned car.

Yes. I did just say that about myself. BUT…I’ve got plenty of mileage left.

As my hubby says: “We’ll never get a divorce. The sex alone will keep me here.”

He can use this almost 43 year-old with four kids all he wants.

He doesn’t mind if I work outside or inside the home. I don’t mind if he uses neck ties or bungee cords.

It doesn’t get much better than that kids.

I love you Mr. Articles of Absurdity!

Happy No Divorcesary!

(…thanks for loaning me the dress Jodi.)

Should mullets make a comeback?


I’m going to let someone else entertain you today. I’d like to breakdown your brain cells by exposing you to my inappropriate friend Stirling and his equally damaged partner in comedy.

Wild Mullet Kingdom: Episode 1 “The Capture” (Uncensored)

4-Letter Word: I’m not a fan of unless…..


In places near
And places far

You may be revered
As a shining star
I picture you dressed
Feathers and tar?
Let’s get WD-40
To raise your bar
Please allow me this time
To be uncomfortably blunt

Let’s design and apply
A language shunt
To redirect
Your pompous stunt
That makes you the lead
In the role of cunt

imagesCAKHXERP

Reunions: Minus the Hairspray


Hey gangstas!

Over the weekend, Cowboy and I went to his 25 year high school reunion. I know. Its hard to believe that someone as verbally hot as I clearly am, could be with someone so old. AND……..I’m right there with him (minus a year and a month). BUT……Here we are, kickin’ it until we kick it.

First………I want to say how great it was to go to a reunion that wasn’t mine. WHY, YOU ASK? Because……..There was no pressure to be anything other than myself, or some version of it, and I milked it until the cow cried for mercy. No one knew me. No expectations. Momma likes it when the bar is set low.

I didn’t know the popular from the unpopular. SO……….I wasn’t tempted to kiss anyone’s ass for a hug or a smile. NOR………did I huddle in a corner to gossip and point at people.I went to the bathroom to do that shit. After all, I’m a fucking lady. NOW………I’m not saying that anyone did those things at this reunion, but I’m not saying they didn’t. The point is: It was stress-free for me and I didn’t notice anything beyond my own good time.

OKAY………I lied. I noticed one person at the reunion had changed quite a bit. AND………for the better. You see……….the yearbook pics were put on everyone’s name tag, kind of like the “before” and “after” shots. I’ll admit to talking some trash about one guy’s pic, but only because he was so unrecognizable to me and a lot of other people. Seriously! I wanted to have sex with him.

I managed to get a hold of his wife’s yearbook pic. Since her graduation, she managed to tweeze her Groucho Marx brows and tone down the “Aqua Net” over spray look. Don’t get me wrong. She wasn’t a Victoria Secret model, but I’d allow her in the room with me and that makeover dude.

Here are their “before” and “after” pics:

Tim and Lorre Graduation

Tim and Lorre Reunion 1

Wordless-ish Wednesday: What a stinker!

Image


Toilet Dump 001

Microsoft Scammers: Anyone could do that job?


Sorry for the non-phallic length. Get comfy!


Sometimes, when a “grown” adult, shows their ass (…not literally…thank goodness…) by insulting a person for no other reason than: “grown” adult is ignorant, under/over-medicated, drunk, or just plain unstable…………I have to laugh inside, after feeling deeply sorry for their apparent issues. This happened quite recently, when Someone Having Inborn Troubles (S.H.I.T) called me a “fucking psychopath”. I don’t know if S.H.I.T thought I would be angry, start to cry or what. BUT………I thought it was trashy and sad.

Psycho or misunderstood?

Let me give you the back story on why S.H.I.T called me this: _____(?)_____ Okay. You know as much as I do. Of course, I could speculate. BUT………..My made up ideas would be as bad as their made up reasons for lashing out, SO…………I won’t go there. I am quite curious to understand the breakdown of their insult though.

Things that make you go hmmmm!

*fuck·ing*

damned; confounded (used as an intensifier).

OKAY………So there really isn’t much to address here. If you are going to throw out the word psychopath, bitch, slut, or even dumbass………..I guess adding this word in front adds “umph”. Good for you for showing some extra initiative.

Nice application!

*psy·cho·path*

a person with a psychopathic personality, which manifests as amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience

      a·mor·al

      1. not involving questions of right or wrong; without moral quality; neither moral nor immoral.

      2. having no moral standards, restraints, or principles; unaware of or indifferent to questions of right or wrong: a completely amoral person.

      e·go·cen·tric

      1. having or regarding the self or the individual as the center of all things: an egocentric philosophy that ignores social causes.

      2. having little or no regard for interests, beliefs, or attitudes other than one’s own; self-centered: an egocentric person; egocentric demands upon the time and patience of others.

This is a lot to work through.

SO………Let’s address this.

  • I’m not amoral, except on this blog.
  • I understand and comply with the rules of right and wrong. WELL……..Maybe not when I told my daughter and her friends that the boy group One Direction died after suffocating in their skinny jeans.
  • I have moral standards, restraints and principles. AND………To be clear………what goes on in my bedroom, with my hubby, doesn’t factor in. BUT………..we definitely have restraints.
  • I couldn’t confuse myself as being the center of things if I wanted to. My life revolves around my family, who know its all about me.
  • I am passionate about social causes, especially those involving children. I fully endorse child labor.
  • I take a great interest in my friend’s lives and what they are passionate about. Well, as long as it pertains to me.
  • I am open to other’s beliefs and attitudes. So what if I don’t agree with your sorry ass views.
  • I don’t demand attention from others. Please make sure to “chain letter” my blog posting to 20 of your friends or you suck.

SERIOUSLY……….All joking aside. Except for all of the sentences beginning with “I”, I am not egocentric. I am not amoral, and therefore, am not a psychopath. Besides, if I really were a psycho, you shouldn’t call me one. Real psychos wouldn’t remain calm and mature. They would go off on your ass and for less than name calling.

BUT……..I don’t want you going through life worrying about knowing a psychopath, and a “fucking” one at that……..I will make some promises, based on the definitions above, so you sleep with both eyes shut.

I will not:

hate someone because I wanted “their love” to date a person of my choosing.

send nasty text messages to “?”, and then forward them to “?’s” minor child and spouse.

get drunk and grab people’s private parts.

kill animals or people, except with humor.

invite men over to my home when my spouse isn’t around.

cheat and blame someone else.

encourage friends to stray, but criticize “non-friends” who cheat.

surf porn while reading the Bible.

curse and degrade my children for sport.

befriend someone, while secretly working to put their job/child visitation and freedom at risk.

flaunt my son’s special needs for my own amusement/attention.

pretend my mini-van is cool.

encourage my kids to do/say inappropriate things so I can put it on the internet.

think everything that is said or done is all about me.

become jealous and devalue (publically) others for skills they possess that I don’t.

lie about my age more than 2x.

think its cool to have minions.

go through friends like underwear because I’m insecure.

get jealous when others get attention.

wear white after labor day, unless it yellowed.

abuse the generosity of others.

get upset if my friends have other friends they spend time with.

say horrible, insensitive things when people are at their lowest.

double dip with the peanut butter.

try to turn people against each other because I need a project for the day.

be a S.H.I.T and take my problems out on others.

(Not that any of this matters to someone who doesn’t read my blog anyway, right??!!??)

I’ve been learning sign language.