By: Disassociated Press-on-Nails
NO WHERE IMPORTANT — One of the Big Tobacco companies is set to release it’s new line of cigarettes, Marlbooro, just in time for Halloween. The name was a stroke of genius, implying the obvious. These cigarettes are scary as shit. “With the need to be the leader in this market, it was time to roll out a new line,” said head cancer stick designer, Mr. Black Lung. He went on to explain the creative thinking behind the new line. “It was time for us to make a statement to America and the rest of the world. We care about the economy! We care about the people. We care about healthcare!”
Apparently, this company wants to make an impact. We talked in length with the CIO (Chief Idiot Officer) to find out how they were going to do this.
- Bulk packaging/product will allow a lower price-point and keep more loyal cigarette smokers……addicted.
- Bigger product will give the “in your face” buying reaction needed to create new smokers.
- The larger cigarette will ease the psychological guilt of “two packs a day” smokers, since smoking one of these cigarettes is now the equivalent.
- Car companies will be forced to hire more employees to keep up with the interior design demands of the “Super-Sized” cigarette smoker.
- More head/arm space
- New ashtrays
- New window design for dumping ashes
- Technology companies will be out to create the cigarette holding/smoking version of the Bluetooth device.
- Fashion designers will be out in masses, creating less flammable fabrics and improving clothing design, so the product can be carried.
- Makers of toothpaste, perfumes and quit smoking products will have an immediate increase in sales.
- Police officers can hand out more tickets for littering, since you can’t miss this baby flying out of your window.
- More fire and rescue personnel will be hired due to the inevitable increase in forest and home fires.
- Healthcare jobs are secure and increasing with this product. That is a given.
- Psychological and Emotional needs will be satisfied with this product.
- Prisoners will do anything for one of these, so coöperation should be on the rise.
- This would be a status symbol for men. Bigger is better.
- The ladies will surely improve their chances of being taken home….or somewhere. Who doesn’t want the girl with this in her mouth?
Per the CIO, “There is no greater pleasure than introducing this product. We feel like pioneers. You know, like the ones that ended up killing a bunch of folks.”
Before the kids were home for the summer, I was going to the YMCA quite regularly……kickboxing, running, weights and some cycling. Summer hit and that went south quick. BUT………..To my delight, I still lost weight. I guess my move to watered down beer finally made a difference on my waistline. On a whim………I tried on a pair of jeans, I haven’t been able to wear for over four years. Low and behold, they fit! WELL………They fit as far as I’m concerned. I pulled those suckers up over my lower thighs and knew. I got them over the remaining thighs and the backend. SO………Here’s where I tweaked the fit a bit. Could I zip and button them? Well………I suppose. BUT………In order to breathe…..….I couldn’t. I zipped those suckers up, then used a rubber band to loop around the button, through the hole and back around the button. I rigged those bitches and it worked. AND………Thanks to the return of the 80’s, I layered myself with two different tank tops and a mid-drift shirt that fell in just the right spot. Something had to hide the hideous muffin top those jeans created. Did I care? HELL NO! I got into those damn jeans and without a camel toe. I call that……….”A great success”. Maybe in a month or so, ……..I’ll be able to use the actual button……..no rubber band required.
SO………….My unsightly muffin top got me to thinking. Why did I feel the need to hide it?
1. No one wants to see that shit.
2. I don’t want anyone to see that shit.
3. Muffin top models haven’t been approved on runways yet.
BUT……….If my muffin top was replaced with a nice flat stomach or some six pack abs, then I would gladly flaunt them. In fact, people would ask to see them and touch them.
I suppose society isn’t ready to take a hold of some love handles or ask to bounce on someone’s chunky belly or fat ass. BUT……..They don’t feel shy saying they could bounce a quarter off a nice tight one. People like to touch augmented breasts as well, but no one wants to touch the “drooping to the ground” breasts that swing from left to right like a pendulum. Why not? It sounds like more fun. AND………Why touch a pregnant woman’s belly? Is it because there is something growing in there? Why not ask to feel up inside a nose or ear? You’d be surprised at the crap some people have growing in there. Why lick shots off a belly when you could lick snot off a lip? Why hang on someone’s biceps when you could fly with someone’s bat wings?
Just saying people. Just saying.
That’s right people. No warning, no protection and no lubricant to ease the pain. BUT……….Thank the lord. No gerbils either. I mean really, who does that shit (pun intended) to a defenseless little animal? Screaming wouldn’t do any good. After all, I asked for it in my own way. Thankfully, the healing has begun and I think it will go back to normal soon.
OKAY……..That was for my naughty friends, who have a deviant lifestyle or wish they did. NOW……Let me translate for all those who think I have parking garage in my backyard. I DON’T.
Translation: Life got away from me the last couple of months. It really messed with the “born out of OCD” plans I always have for myself. It’s true. I was clueless to what would happen with the kids out of school for the summer. Aside from beating them into submission (again…for my deviant friends….you know who you are), there wasn’t much I could do, besides drink, to ease the chaos. Thankfully, I didn’t cave in to their demand of getting little caged animals. Yelling at them was futile though. It just added to the noise in the house. It’s my fault though. I got pregnant and kept those little burdens bundles of joy. Thankfully, the kids have returned to SOL Prison, which is fondly called public school. With them gone, I’ve been drinking less and getting stuff done.
OKAY………So now that you’ve gotten a little taste, I have to step away from the computer tonight. Cowboy is getting a little jealous. I might have to take the horse out of the barn so he can ride. AND……….No bareback. What am I, a masochist? With three Things and The Cute One running around, I don’t need more.
Goodnight my dear friends. I hope it was good for you. BUT……I won’t take offense if you lie through your fucking teeth and fake a blogging orgasm. Isn’t that what most people do???!!!????
My OCD says, I have to tell you that I have a lot of postings to come. Sorry for my slackassness! AND Yes…….My OCD talks to me.