If you give your elf some alcohol……
He will want to snort coke.
If your elf snorts too much coke, he will try to ride a dinosaur.
If he tries to ride a dinosaur, the dinosaur will get angry and toss him around like a rag doll.
If the dinosaur gets angry and tosses him around like a rag doll, then the elf will get excited, since he is hyped up on coke, and start to jack himself off.
If he jacks himself off, then he will want to dress up like a girl to balance out the testosterone from playing with a dinosaur while grabbing his own junk.
After dressing up like a girl, he will need more alcohol to drown the fact he is a fucked up mess.
Forgive the crappy pic. I have a dumb phone (by choice) and don’t carry my smart camera with me.
SO……….There we were, hubby and me, having a heated debate about something stupid. Our arguments are pointless, but “mood swing” relationships keep the good times going. ANYWAY……..We’re in the parking lot of Walmart (where I should own stock), when a George Costanza look-alike and his lovely companion pull up. We immediately stopped arguing and laughed so hard we cried. The only thing that would’ve been better, is if he lifted his companion off of his crotch before exiting the car.
Even roadkill/woodkill gets to shop at Walmart.
AND………I think it’s too late for the seatbelt!
That’s right people. No warning, no protection and no lubricant to ease the pain. BUT……….Thank the lord. No gerbils either. I mean really, who does that shit (pun intended) to a defenseless little animal? Screaming wouldn’t do any good. After all, I asked for it in my own way. Thankfully, the healing has begun and I think it will go back to normal soon.
OKAY……..That was for my naughty friends, who have a deviant lifestyle or wish they did. NOW……Let me translate for all those who think I have parking garage in my backyard. I DON’T.
Translation: Life got away from me the last couple of months. It really messed with the “born out of OCD” plans I always have for myself. It’s true. I was clueless to what would happen with the kids out of school for the summer. Aside from beating them into submission (again…for my deviant friends….you know who you are), there wasn’t much I could do, besides drink, to ease the chaos. Thankfully, I didn’t cave in to their demand of getting little caged animals. Yelling at them was futile though. It just added to the noise in the house. It’s my fault though. I got pregnant and kept those little burdens bundles of joy. Thankfully, the kids have returned to SOL Prison, which is fondly called public school. With them gone, I’ve been drinking less and getting stuff done.
OKAY………So now that you’ve gotten a little taste, I have to step away from the computer tonight. Cowboy is getting a little jealous. I might have to take the horse out of the barn so he can ride. AND……….No bareback. What am I, a masochist? With three Things and The Cute One running around, I don’t need more.
Goodnight my dear friends. I hope it was good for you. BUT……I won’t take offense if you lie through your fucking teeth and fake a blogging orgasm. Isn’t that what most people do???!!!????
My OCD says, I have to tell you that I have a lot of postings to come. Sorry for my slackassness! AND Yes…….My OCD talks to me.
OKAY………So I debated about this post for a bit. Sorry to go all juvenile on you guys, but it must be done. In the past two years, I’ve had to deal with a few people unraveling……….0 to 60 for no clear reason. If I thought my health insurance would cover it, I’d get the magnet removed that causes the attraction. Let me clear things up for several people.
I am not responsible if your family gets murdered.
My husband and I are not swingers. BUT…..….If we were, sorry…….You two are not our type.
I believe people should pay their debts, even if you owe a millionaire money.
It’s poor form to grab my husband’s crotch and act like it was an accident.
Stealing someone’s property is ILLEGAL!
I exercise to stay in shape, not to piss you off.
Sending my hubby messages via Facebook and/or phone is unwise.
Make no mistake, my husband is on my side.
I heard you did me a favor by being my friend. Gee……Thanks!
Not everything is about you.
I’ve only posted about one (the Despicable One). Up until this post, you’ve just been feeding into your own paranoia.
No one gets to mess with my kids without some backlash.
I don’t care how drunk someone is. I don’t like people grabbing my breasts.
Coming into my home and being mean to my friends, is beyond uncool.
Before you start calling people names, you should really look up the definitions of the words you use.
My kids can hear their sailor talk from me, but thanks for the free language arts lesson.
Your world is very small, but mine isn’t.
I love drama, but only on the stage.
Heavy drinking is not my idea of socializing. I have a life and a liver to protect.
My husband’s tolerance of your disrespect for him, doesn’t make him a wimp…….it makes him a gentleman.
It’s okay to close the bridge without feeling like you have to set it on fire.
We share a different idea of success and a different set of values.
Most of the problems we’ve had……….are all in your head.
We will never be friends again, but I wish you the best………because that’s how I roll!
Shocking as it may seem………I am not a fan of cop killing, gay bashing or racist songs. To be blunt, they seem pretty fucking unnecessary to me. OH……….Did I fail to mention how ignorant they are? I suppose there are people, who think these songs are super cool and badass, but there are also people who eat their boogers, even into adulthood. Just sayin’!
Perhaps I would have more respect for these artists……….SORRY…….…I had to throw up in my mouth a little…….…if the lyrics were more honest.I mean, why do you really want to kill cops? Let’s be honest. It’s because you want to do various horrible, immoral and illegal things. Some of these things may include: rape, murder, beatings, robbery, drug dealing…….and so on and so forth. You want to do these things and be left alone. Sorry! I guess life isn’t fair. Didn’t your momma teach you that? Perhaps you should sing songs about the lawmakers as well. After all, they may have something to do with the laws the police are supposed to enforce. And how about the President of the United States? I suppose he endorses your behavior? Why not write song lyrics about your grandma? Unless you think she approves of your behavior. Oh……and for those who feel they are justified because of some kind of police brutality…….I have never heard a song naming Officer John Doe. The “brotherhood” does not mean every officer is accountable for another officer’s actions. If my sibling screws someone over…….WELL……It ain’t my fault. Seriously! So stop calling me!
AND……..How about you homophobes? Is it really necessary to announce to the world how you feel about sexual orientations other than those that are heterosexual. Screams out insecurity to me. What are you afraid of? Rejection??!!??
AND LASTLY……..Does the world need to know you are an ignorant racist? I’m referring to all the shades of racism.
Since these songs seem to be so popular among a limited “so smart they seem stupid” audience, I think we should expand. I think we should have songs about hating the dentist. Let’s face it……..going to the dentist sucks. How about slurs against the Disney Channel for running shows that make our children think parents don’t really exist? I’m currently writing a song about killing stirrup pants. Lord knows, we don’t need to bring those back. Here are some other ideas we can rage about:
- eating vegetables
- brushing our teeth
- washing our hands
- putting the toilet seat down
- calling someone after you sleep with them
- pretending you like your in-laws
Let me know if anyone can come up with some really incredible song lyrics!