Are you giving me the pregnant eye?


My first thought is: “Not in a million years!”.

Kissing this dude would be like giving oral sex to my dryer’s lint tray.

Someone, out there, reading this, knows for sure.

AND….some, might be turned on, but I digress.

Crazy fetish?

My second thought is: Smashup!”

I want to do what Reese’s did for peanut butter and chocolate.

Say what?

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Idea: Let’s put two things together and make something magical.

Condoms and Glasses

Still don’t see where this is going?

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Condom Glasses!

(Please help me come up with a wonderful name for this new product.)

They deploy at the exact moment of visual arousal.

Why do we need these you ask?

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For those women, you know the ones……..

”I get pregnant every time someone looks at me.”

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We have to have some type of protection, some type of birth control for men  who have the power to release microscopic sperm from their eyes.  This is quite an epidemic people. It  is also quite reckless. It’s astonishing how many children are brought into this world because someone looked at their momma in the wrong way. What’s even more disturbing is this: How does that child even know who his/her daddy is? It’s going to take a retinal scan on the Maury Povich show to straighten that shit out. AND seriously……The chances of finding the “baby daddy” are pretty slim. God help you if you are identified as giving someone “the pregnant eye”. You can look forward to child support for that kid and probably hundreds more. If you are capable of giving the pregnant eye to one, then chances are, you’ve given it to another.  Aren’t their enough excuses to put kids in therapy without adding this to the list?

SO…Let’s come up with a fabulous name.

Let’s get this product out in the world.

AND…Let’s start protecting ourselves.

I wonder what the Sharks would think?

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Mystery of conception……duh!


I  can’t resist. I heard some people talking about the magic and mystery of conception. Now…I’m not going to get into a religious, spiritual or physiological discussion here. I do have some theories though. Bear with me. This can get complicated.

How did this happen? Someone:

  • fucked
  • got laid
  • copulated
  • had sexual intercourse
  • screwed
  • shagged
  • made love

The true mystery is not how this happened, but why this happened.

Why did this happen?

  • Too embarrassed to buy condoms.
  • Took your pill, but thought that meant vitamins or Ecstasy.
  • For a moment, you thought having a kid in highschool would be cool, like having a miniature dog in your purse.
  • Hell….you can’t even remember who.
  • Because __(fill in drink of choice)__
  • Someone double dogged dared you
  • You wanted kids. BORING!
  • Tax deduction. SMART!
  • Child Labor at Home. SMARTER!
  • To save a relationship. With kids? Wow, did you take a wrong turn.
  • You weren’t thinking.
  • Your religion tells you to procreate….a lot. This is great for you, because you also say God will provide. I don’t have sex to procreate, I guess that’s why my husband has to work.
  • Someone said you’d make a crappy parent. Proving em’ wrong are we? How’s that working out?
  • Everyone else was doing it.

I hope I was able to shed some light on some of the mystery, at least for one person out there. I can’t promise great, life-changing or factual results, but I’ll be happy to help with any further mysteries you bring to my attention.

Just in case: This is for humor purposes only and not intended to hurt anyone.

Clarification to: “Making an appearance……” post


It seems I was a bit confusing in my earlier post, due to being tired and an idiot. The last part is a birth defect so it cannot be held against me. To be clear: I am not pregnant. The sex did not work. Let me clarify that as well. It did not work for making babies, but it worked in other ways. No. There are no pictures and there will be no details. Everyone reading my blog should know how sex works. If you don’t…..I am very sorry. Maybe you will meet a bad man or woman one day and they can school you in this animal-like ritual. That doesn’t mean there should be a sacrifice afterwards. I’m pretty sure that would be a mood killer.

Dreams Do Come True


So….I’ve had some crazy dreams in my life. I’m sure we all have. Most of them could never come true in a million years. For example: I doubt I will ever be able to flap my arms and fly around. I probably won’t cut down a tree and instead of rings in the trunk, Copperheads come out one by one and attack my family. Hell….I’ll probably never cut down a tree. And some dreams are just plain wrong. When I was in college, this guy that I couldn’t stand, kept bugging me to go out with him. I’m ashamed to say….I had a dream that he was in a wheelchair eating a bucket of chicken. Pretty shameful, I know. I knocked his wheelchair over. Chicken flew everywhere and he was struggling to get up. I told him I wouldn’t help him up until he had sex with me. I assure you, that was not a Freudian slip in my dreams.

The only dreams I’ve had with an ounce of truth were my pregnancy dreams. Each time I was pregnant and only when I’ve been pregnant, (but before I knew I was) I had a baby/pregnancy dream of some kind.

End of 1999: I dreamt that the police pulled over a vehicle I was in. The driver was speeding. For some reason, the cop made me get out of the vehicle. He said he would be careful with me because I was pregnant. Sure enough, I took a test and I was pregnant.

Dream Baby #1

Late 2001: I dreamt I was in some mad scientist’s lab. He was showing me all his test tubes and jars full of creepy stuff. He pointed out some grotesque alien looking thing in a jar and said it was my baby. Yep. Pregnant again.

Dream Baby #2

 Early 2010: I dreamt that I was waiting in line at the movies with my husband. He started making out with this woman right in front of me. I knocked him to the ground and started hitting him. He told me to stop. I might hurt the baby. Pregnant again.

Dream Baby #3

Last night: I dreamt that my husband and I were going to watch our newborn babies compete in a 5K race. We had four babies, two boys and two girls and all had down syndrome. (If that offends anyone, my son has down syndrome, so no fun is being made.) We were late for the race because we hadn’t name them yet and couldn’t agree on anything. My husband said I could name one of the boys Runner. Then, I woke up. Pregnant? We’ll find out next week.

?? Yikes ??

So….I’m not clairvoyant. I can’t give you any winning lottery numbers, but these baby dreams are freakishly right. We’ll know soon enough if I’m 4 for 4.

Weekly Weight Loss Update: Only had 5 of 12 shakes. Only did 3 out of 6 workouts. Pigged out on pizza this weekend and went back to better beer. Lost: 1.4 pounds for a total of 3.12 in two weeks. Not bad for being a cheater.