Should mullets make a comeback?

I’m going to let someone else entertain you today. I’d like to breakdown your brain cells by exposing you to my inappropriate friend Stirling and his equally damaged partner in comedy.

Wild Mullet Kingdom: Episode 1 “The Capture” (Uncensored)

Flash in the Pan: “Finish Line Crawler”

Word: IDEA (150 word max)

Mr. Wolf was a real bully. He didn’t have any friends, and his family disowned him. Supposedly, he ate some old lady in the next county over, which isn’t frowned upon if one is starving, but it was a domestic dispute. There were rumors about her granddaughter and a restraining order.

Mr. Wolf had no social life, on account of the fact that no one wanted to be social with him. Therefore, he had plenty of time for career planning.  He took some business courses and attended “get rich quick” seminars. Eventually, he got into real estate. He bought up most of the town and became a slumlord. Life was pretty good, until those damned little pigs came to town. Then, he got an idea, which would lead to a whole world of trouble for Mr. Wolf.

This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains 137 words.

Word: DINNER (125 word max)

I should’ve paid more attention. Perhaps then, I could’ve cheated death.

From the first moment of takeoff, everything was perfect. I was caressing the air and gliding with ease. I forgot the dangers of flying.

First, I flew upside down, then sideways. Suddenly, while in the middle of my triple loop, I felt myself losing control. Fear grew inside of me as I neared the lava-like liquid below. Once in, I would surely be a goner.

I hit! The heat danced around me with no escape. My skin bubbled as the scalding liquid ate through me. It was sheer  torture, and I knew it would be over soon. I was being cooked alive in someone’s dinner. Why did I have to be born a fly?

This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains  125 words.


Yes. This was a shameless and (if you are reading this now..) successful attempt to get people to check out a post with minimal effort on my part.

Enjoy the raciness, while I work on something with a little more substance, but only a little.

Haiku Sunday: Easter

Easter is now here

Christ and egg hunts do not mix

Candy cross children?

We missed church today

The kids do not understand

Bunnies rule today

Let’s celebrate life

With yellow marshmallow chicks

For death we roast them

Thanks for the rise dude

Hallmark is your biggest fan

You should make them tithe

Don’t Read This Blog

Don’t read this blog. I don’t deserve your time

I’ve become quite lazy and can’t seem to give up mine.

Have I read anyone else or commented at all?

Hell no. I’m a selfish bitch and that’s not all.

I’ve received a few awards from lovely bloggers.

I haven’t followed through. I’m an award hogger.

Worse than that, I’m a hoarder of blogger stuff.

Everyone I follow is in Google Reader. It’s piling up.

If Google collapses, you can blame that on me.

I’m sure Occupy is my fault too and maybe some STDs.

I truly am sorry I’ve become such a fucking lazy ass.

Buying this car, but I can’t put in the gas.

I promise to visit when I am willing and able.

When I’m done being a jackass, if we must give it a label.

Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

This has been proven false. I’m a bad blog whore.

Whores get around and I can’t even manage to tease

I’ll spread my blog legs soon and get back to spreading comment disease.

It’s be weighing on my mind.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not intended to make anyone feel worse or better about themselves. This post is not designed for sympathy or kind words. This post is just another mind explosion, courtesy of me. In other words, it’s all about me.

Yep. We’re back to the weight thing. SO…..If you read my post last night, you know my bag of potatoes finally got me to get off my butt and on the treadmill. I even poured out the last bit of my beer to start exercising. I worked out and felt great, so why not celebrate the greatness with a nice shower? Well, upon exiting the shower, I stepped out and stared myself down in the mirror. NOW……I had no choice, it’s right there across from the shower. What a wicked place to put such an object? AND….Of course, I was naked. I stopped taking showers in my clothes when I got out of college and sobered up. So anyway, I’m glaring at the temple that God gave me and realized that I totally trashed it, because I certainly wasn’t born with what appeared to be two flesh covered arm floats sitting on the tops of my thighs. The tattooed “cartoon” faces of my kids even looked obese. It was so depressing, I decided to get my vibrator, but it took one look at me and decided it had a headache. I went to the dresser to get some clothes to cover up and I heard it say: “We have nothing in your size.” and then giggles.

So that’s it. I vow now to start eating better and exercising. This may sound like an odd way to start, criticizing myself and making jokes, but that’s how I motivate myself. Compliments and “what sounds like” patronizing encouragement does not work with me. In fact, it makes me want to eat more and watch t.v. all day. I light a fire under my ass by giving myself some tough love. Now……That’s not to say anyone else can do that. Don’t go calling me a fat ass, because only I can do that.

Do I know there are people out there that weigh more than me, yes. The point is: there is always someone in the world with less or more than what we have, whether it’s weight, looks, talent, brains, athletic ability, blah, blah, blah……………………….Who cares? I’m not trying to compare myself to anyone else and use it as an excuse to not be a better me.

The day I went into labor with my second child I weighed 164 pounds. I weigh the same today, if my scale is correct. So aside from the distribution being different, I’m ready to pop and waiting for my water to break. (Oh wait! It’s just pee trying to escape its suffocating surroundings). When I met my hubby a bit over 8 years ago, I weighed 130, which I held quite nicely for 4 years. We then met these (certifiable kidding) “festive” friends and we went crazy. We got together several times a week (more in the summer). We stayed up late, drank a lot of high calorie alcohol and ate a lot of cheesy, meaty crap.  I was always too tired to exercise. I gained 27 pounds in two years from that lifestyle. I still have another 7 pounds of baby weight to lose on top of that.

So I’m putting my goal out in the world to put pressure on myself, because that’s how I work. Get back down in size: between 135 – 140. I’ll give myself some cushion, since I’m getting older. AND…..Hopefully, the next time I do that test where you put the pencil under your ass cheek (if it holds you need to firm up your backside), I won’t need to use a rolling-pin instead.