It’s my birthday…..almost.


On March 27th,  I will be an older (hopefully better) version of myself, at 42 years old, which is ancient to some of you and quite babyish to others. I’ve decided to take a look back in my movie-making mind, to see what I have learned during the past year of my life. I realize that I am a few days ahead of schedule, but I promise to post anything new that I happen to learn between now and my actual birthday.

These are things I’ve learned through doing, observing or let’s face it, overheard gossip, which has to be true at least 3% of the time. With a percentage like that, I’d be a fool not to include such information. I will be using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to help me keep my thoughts slightly straight.

PHYSIOLOGICAL

Breathing is good, unless you are standing by your ex at your kid’s soccer match. Not for nothing, but a little Febreeze could go a long way to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.

No matter how much I learn about food for health and energy…I can’t help thinking it’s main value is as a comfort food. My friend “The Elliptical Nazi” makes the best comfort “dip”. AND….Drink more water, even though it’s totally boring.

Always practice safe sex. Being safe when married means having it only with your spouse. So far, so good.

Sleep is my friend, who didn’t visit as often as I would’ve liked. Bedtimes are good for all age groups. Also, there is no such thing as beauty sleep. Although, I have slept so little before, that others do seem more attractive.

Continue to sweat and shiver for homeostasis purposes and never withhold excretions. WHOA! That went down the wrong road folks, but I guess it all helps keep us balanced. By the by, I’m not interested in anyone who is interested in my sex life. Oh yeah….no need to tell me about yours either.

SAFETY

I will continue to wear shoes without a pointy heel. I won’t run down a steep hill unless no one is watching. I will not use a rubber band to close my pants unless I want to poke someone’s eye out. And no, it didn’t happen that way!

I will continue to stay unemployed so I won’t fear losing my job. Child support is not a paycheck!

Morality: This is for another blog.

I will continue to pin my children’s psychological profiles on their clothing to avoid kidnappings. I will continue to follow all health warnings on the alcohol bottles. We will develop more weapons of mass destruction to avoid intruders. In case you are reading this Mr. President, I’m kidding. Please do not assign troops to my front lawn. Although…..do they babysit?

LOVE/BELONGING

You really can count your true friends on one hand. If your “friend” continually asks you for favor after favor, makes excuses for broken promise after broken promise, they are not your true friend. Mean girls and bad boys exist at any age. If someone says unkind things about you before they decide to be your friend, it won’t work out.

Family is what you make it and it doesn’t always involve blood lines. Children are gifts from God that were purchased on clearance. Clearance items cannot be returned or exchanged.

Sexual intimacy is not the same as copping a feel. The real thing can never compare to what you imagine, so stop making up shit in your head. Even Hollywood is full of smoke and mirrors. If you feel the need to go elsewhere, than you might as well keep going.

ESTEEM

Keep telling yourself you are better than others. It’s a real self-esteem booster. Get a scale that works or at least weighs in your favor. Being old(er) is no excuse for not being one “hot momma” or “daddy”.

Respect others by ignoring people on Facebook, who keep posting stupid shit, that way you won’t be tempted to write something disrespectful. Respect yourself by not buying into everyone else’s bullshit, especially when it starts screwing with your life. R U N! Respect yourself by Understanding it’s Nonsense!

SELF-ACTUALIZATION

I accept the fact, with prejudice, that I am not spontaneous, but I am somewhat creative, which solves a lot of problems for me. For example: Someone wrote me a letter explaining how wonderful they were and how that made it okay to screw my family over. With great prejudice, due to earlier tale spinning, I solved this problem by planning out in great detail a perfect paper airplane made from this letter, which will hopefully meet it’s target soon and clog up the source of all the ass smoke being blown around. Did I mention I put a few staples in to get the “point” across.

It is possible to rearrange your living room at least 20 times without moving the couch.

Why wash the walls and trim when you can just paint over them?

I accept the fact that I am not done dealing with crappy people in my life.

SOCIAL NETWORKS/TECHNOLOGY

I am going out on a limb here. If only Maslow knew then…….

PHYSIOLOGICAL: Make sure you break from it long enough to eat and sleep.

SAFETY: Technology is good and evil. It’s easier to connect to people, but it’s also easier to be a victim, so be smart when using the internet and watch what you divulge.

LOVE/BELONGING: Don’t use social networks when drunk. You will regret what you post. Trust me. I’ve seen the comments and pics……..not your proudest moment. “Real” relationships exist in person. Stop using the internet to have sexual intimacy with others. Innocent comments are never that innocent.

ESTEEM: People interpret things anyway they like on social networks. There are a lot of delusional and paranoid people out there. Don’t let their fucked up interpretations, comments or toddler actions get to you. The internet brings out the bully in many weak people.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION: Never get your “facts” from Wiki-anything. Know that a lot of what is posted is with prejudice. The internet will never breed morality. Be creative with technology, but remember to live a “real” life as well.

 

Too much crap….Not enough education


I have a lot of extra stuff in my house. SO….I decided to go through a bunch of my things and get rid of what I didn’t need anymore. NOW….I’m not crazy (maybe a little). I didn’t get rid of anything important. I kept glasses I was given to sleep in after my lasik surgery. You never know when you might need to wear those. I kept the 18 Ikea-like allen wrenches, just in case. I still have the 12 pairs of 3D glasses I ordered by mistake in “Linear”. It’s too late to return them and who knew I needed “Circular”? AND….I’m definitely keeping the chain link bikini, although it is cold as hell. They say it’s one size fits all, but that’s a bunch of bullshit. I need to lose a bit more weight unless I want to attach some bungee cords to each side. AND….How silly would that be? Everyone knows those get attached to the bedpost.

No sir. I only got rid of the unimportant stuff. I had an entire box of educational material that had to go. I mean really, my kids aren’t geniuses. They aren’t complete dummies either, but when do I have the time to fill their brain up with more stuff. They’re in school all day, then homework, XBox , television…..enough is enough! You can see the dilemma I was in. As parents we have to set priorities.

For a short time, I had one of my dear friends tutoring my son. I also homeschooled him for a short time (4 days), but that’s a another story. Anyway….I found a letter he had written, which she apparently assigned to him right before the tutoring stopped. She was teaching him how to write to a friend. He wrote to her grandson. You can see by his work that she was an amazing teacher and he loved her dearly.

Names were covered to protect the innocent.

At least he completed the assignment.