Reunions: Minus the Hairspray


Hey gangstas!

Over the weekend, Cowboy and I went to his 25 year high school reunion. I know. Its hard to believe that someone as verbally hot as I clearly am, could be with someone so old. AND……..I’m right there with him (minus a year and a month). BUT……Here we are, kickin’ it until we kick it.

First………I want to say how great it was to go to a reunion that wasn’t mine. WHY, YOU ASK? Because……..There was no pressure to be anything other than myself, or some version of it, and I milked it until the cow cried for mercy. No one knew me. No expectations. Momma likes it when the bar is set low.

I didn’t know the popular from the unpopular. SO……….I wasn’t tempted to kiss anyone’s ass for a hug or a smile. NOR………did I huddle in a corner to gossip and point at people.I went to the bathroom to do that shit. After all, I’m a fucking lady. NOW………I’m not saying that anyone did those things at this reunion, but I’m not saying they didn’t. The point is: It was stress-free for me and I didn’t notice anything beyond my own good time.

OKAY………I lied. I noticed one person at the reunion had changed quite a bit. AND………for the better. You see……….the yearbook pics were put on everyone’s name tag, kind of like the “before” and “after” shots. I’ll admit to talking some trash about one guy’s pic, but only because he was so unrecognizable to me and a lot of other people. Seriously! I wanted to have sex with him.

I managed to get a hold of his wife’s yearbook pic. Since her graduation, she managed to tweeze her Groucho Marx brows and tone down the “Aqua Net” over spray look. Don’t get me wrong. She wasn’t a Victoria Secret model, but I’d allow her in the room with me and that makeover dude.

Here are their “before” and “after” pics:

Tim and Lorre Graduation

Tim and Lorre Reunion 1

It got behind me in a big way and I got screwed.


That’s right people. No warning, no protection and no lubricant to ease the pain. BUT……….Thank the lord. No gerbils either. I mean really, who does that shit (pun intended) to a defenseless little animal? Screaming wouldn’t do any good. After all, I asked for it in my own way. Thankfully, the healing has begun and I think it will go back to normal soon.

OKAY……..That was for my naughty friends, who have a deviant lifestyle or wish they did. NOW……Let me translate for all those who think I have parking garage in my backyard. I DON’T.

Translation: Life got away from me the last couple of months. It really messed with the “born out of OCD  plans I always have for myself. It’s true. I was clueless to what would happen with the kids out of school for the summer. Aside from beating them into submission (again…for my deviant friends….you know who you are), there wasn’t much I could do, besides drink,  to ease the chaos. Thankfully, I didn’t cave in to their demand of getting little caged animals. Yelling at them was futile though. It just added to the noise in the house. It’s my fault though. I got pregnant and kept those little burdens bundles of joy. Thankfully, the kids have returned to SOL Prison, which is fondly called public school. With them gone, I’ve been drinking less and getting stuff done.

OKAY………So now that you’ve gotten a little taste, I have to step away from the computer tonight. Cowboy is getting a little jealous. I might have to take the horse out of the barn so he can ride. AND……….No bareback. What am I, a masochist? With three Things and The Cute One running around, I don’t need more.

Goodnight my dear friends. I hope it was good for you. BUT……I won’t take offense if you lie through your fucking teeth and fake a blogging orgasm. Isn’t that what most people do???!!!????

My OCD says, I have to tell you that I have a lot of postings to come. Sorry for my slackassness! AND Yes…….My OCD talks to me.

Still Alive!


Not much of a post……I know. I’m going on about a month of not posting (not planned) and I thought I’d confirm that my heart is still beating. YES! I do have one of those, although, I reserve it for special occasions only. Again……This is a crappy offering, but it is the best I have to offer tonight.  A lot going on in my little spot in the world now, which is code for my flippin’  house. I will try to get my lazy fingers moving and get a real posting out (Articles style) in the next couple of days. Thanks to those who gave a damn and wondered where I  vanished to, and for those who didn’t……..well……I didn’t give a fuck about you either.

Songs about killing and hatred……Does someone need a hug?


Shocking as it may seem………I am not a fan of cop killing, gay bashing or racist songs. To be blunt, they seem pretty fucking unnecessary to me. OH……….Did I fail to mention how ignorant they are? I suppose there are people, who think these songs are super cool and badass, but there are also people who eat their boogers, even into adulthood. Just sayin’!

Perhaps I would have more respect for these artists……….SORRY…….…I had to throw up in my mouth a little…….…if the lyrics were more honest.I mean, why do you really want to kill cops? Let’s be honest. It’s because you want to do various horrible, immoral and illegal things. Some of these things may include: rape, murder, beatings, robbery, drug dealing…….and so on and so forth. You want to do these things and be left alone. Sorry! I guess life isn’t fair. Didn’t your momma teach you that? Perhaps you should sing songs about the lawmakers as well. After all, they may have something to do with the laws the police are supposed to enforce. And how about the President of the United States? I suppose he endorses your behavior? Why not write song lyrics about your grandma? Unless you think she approves of your behavior. Oh……and for those who feel they are justified because of some kind of police brutality…….I have never heard a song naming Officer John Doe. The “brotherhood” does not mean every officer is accountable for another officer’s actions. If my sibling screws someone over…….WELL……It ain’t my fault. Seriously! So stop calling me!

AND……..How about you homophobes? Is it really necessary to announce to the world how you feel about sexual orientations other than those that are heterosexual. Screams out insecurity to me. What are you afraid of? Rejection??!!??

AND LASTLY……..Does the world need to know you are an ignorant racist? I’m referring to all the shades of racism.

Since these songs seem to be so popular among a limited “so smart they seem stupid” audience, I think we should expand. I think we should have songs about hating the dentist. Let’s face it……..going to the dentist sucks. How about slurs against the Disney Channel for running shows that make our children think parents don’t really exist? I’m currently writing a song about killing stirrup pants. Lord knows, we don’t need to bring those back. Here are some other ideas we can rage about:

  • eating vegetables
  • brushing our teeth
  • washing our hands
  • putting the toilet seat down
  • calling someone after you sleep with them
  • homework
  • flossing
  • pretending you like your in-laws

Let me know if anyone can come up with some really incredible song lyrics!

Mystery of conception……duh!


I  can’t resist. I heard some people talking about the magic and mystery of conception. Now…I’m not going to get into a religious, spiritual or physiological discussion here. I do have some theories though. Bear with me. This can get complicated.

How did this happen? Someone:

  • fucked
  • got laid
  • copulated
  • had sexual intercourse
  • screwed
  • shagged
  • made love

The true mystery is not how this happened, but why this happened.

Why did this happen?

  • Too embarrassed to buy condoms.
  • Took your pill, but thought that meant vitamins or Ecstasy.
  • For a moment, you thought having a kid in highschool would be cool, like having a miniature dog in your purse.
  • Hell….you can’t even remember who.
  • Because __(fill in drink of choice)__
  • Someone double dogged dared you
  • You wanted kids. BORING!
  • Tax deduction. SMART!
  • Child Labor at Home. SMARTER!
  • To save a relationship. With kids? Wow, did you take a wrong turn.
  • You weren’t thinking.
  • Your religion tells you to procreate….a lot. This is great for you, because you also say God will provide. I don’t have sex to procreate, I guess that’s why my husband has to work.
  • Someone said you’d make a crappy parent. Proving em’ wrong are we? How’s that working out?
  • Everyone else was doing it.

I hope I was able to shed some light on some of the mystery, at least for one person out there. I can’t promise great, life-changing or factual results, but I’ll be happy to help with any further mysteries you bring to my attention.

Just in case: This is for humor purposes only and not intended to hurt anyone.

Valentine’s Day Schizophrenia


Many emotions and words left unsaid

Voice your true feelings

It’s too late when you’re dead

Sweet Love Passionate Love

Lust

Dying Love

 

 

No hope in hell for love.

Enough said!

Weight a minute!


SO…..I’m sitting here trying to get through the blogs I follow because I got a bit behind again. I’m drinking my water beer and suddenly I’m wondering what this intertube is around my mid-section. Oh! It’s my ever-expanding stomach. I don’t know if I should be grateful that it only amounts to one roll when I sit or disgusted because that one roll is the size of a 5 pound bag of potatoes. In any case, I was upset enough when I weighed myself this morning, but then I went to the doctors and weighed myself on their scale. Well, their fucking scale said I weighed 4 more pounds than mine. WTF! So….enough already. I’m finishing my beer and getting on the treadmill. I could drink it while I’m on, but I just can’t wrap my brain around that concept.

Spam I Am. (#1)


I’ve been a bad blog girl:  I’ve neglected some of my legitimate commenters. I checked my spam and found all kinds of wonderful comments from some great folks. I would like to take the opportunity now to respond to some of them.

POST: If it stumbles like a drunk and slurs like a drunk, it might be a drunk. (Part 1)

  • Comment from Web Hosting Site: This site doesn’t render appropriately on my iphone 4 – you might wanna try to fix that Me: Thanks for stopping by, but it’s not my fucking fault you can’t work your iPhone 4 when sober or intoxicated. I’m not part of the Geek Squad and I’m not going to fix your problem.
  • Comment from Credit Site: I own a condition in this subject. If anyone might help myself and then make sure you contact us ME: It’s pretty damn clear you “own” the “drunk fuck” condition. I have no doubt. Dude, don’t waste you time trying to help yourself or ask someone to do it for you. If you are as drunk as it seems, that little soldier is not going to salute tonight. There will be no contact, but thanks for stopping by my site.

POST: Clarification to: “Making an appearance……” post

  • Comment from Isabella ??: I believe this came about due to the fact that when I was a small child I lived with my mother, grandfather and disabled grandmother Me: You caught me. I’m sorry Isabella, but you’re right. I’ve held this post in for a long time, but when I found out you lived with your mother, grandfather and your sickly disgusting disabled  grandmother as  a child…..well, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. If it takes a small post about sex that works to take the focus off your childhood neediness, then sobeit.

POST: Weekly Photo Challenge: Self-Portrait

  • Comment from Wyatt ??: This kind of person is a bit like the sheep at a zoo we all know it�� s there, we can see it, but we really don�� t care to interact with it. Me: I’d like to thank you for stopping by, but you’re a real ass. It’s clearly a mask you idiot. Go piss on someone else’s parade and learn how to use the damn keyboard for more than just scratching your ass.

POST: My New Year Realization

  • Comment from Colon Cleanser: I’m young on here, I thrash this website I repossess It pretty constructive and it is forced me to be out a whole lot. I determination be accomplished to develop & aid other users prefer it has helped me Me: Are you threatening me? Do you work for WordPress? My credit card is good, so I’m pretty sure you can’t repossess my damn site. AND…You better not do some hacker shit and thrash it either. Sorry my blog has traumatized you to the point of having to leave your computer and go out, but I constructed it that way. I can’t even begin to understand your last sentence. I imagine your cleanser is working and it’s a little hard to type the right words when you are exploding on the “john”. Stop back by when you aren’t cleaning your insides, but wash your hands first.

My blog is on it’s menstrual cycle.


Pretty gross, I know, but what else can it be? This is my 3rd post for today. The words are flowing out of me and it’s kind of ugly and messy. I tried to wrap my keyboard with a pad, but it didn’t work.

Actually, it’s not that complicated or interesting, but it’s this: The baby has slept through the night (only 2 nights) and mommy isn’t as tired during the day. Also, my office is pretty much done. It needs the light fixture put in and some caulking done, but it’s basically done. Having my space makes all the difference.

Just getting started.

This corner looks better now.

All the random crap from around the house, finally has a home.

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These photos are crap, but I never said I was a photographer. Being in my office has motivated me to think of some money making ideas. Working outside of the home is not an option. I am hanging with my little man. So….What does that leave?
The sex industry is an option: call girl (at home), sex site or phone sex operator. I’d have to work around dropping off and picking up the kids from school, therapy visits and other errands. Too much trouble. A web site would be cool, but it would be like looking at a naked chicken dumpling with lips (2 sets) and although, I’m sure someone would be turned on by that, I’ll pass. Phone sex would be easier, but I’d end up clipping my toe nails during calls or taking the phone with me to the bathroom. Again….fetishes are out there. I don’t know if I want to pretend to enjoy strangers sick requests. I’d probably end up laughing at their sorry asses on the phone and I’m pretty sure I’d lose customers that way. Okay…that’s out. I guess I’ll have to keep thinking about it. I’ve always wanted to write Greeting Cards in my spare time. HMMMM!

Happy Anniversary Sucker!


The day is almost over, but I want to say thanks to my smoking hot husband.

Thanks for hooking up with a woman with two kids, shacking up with her for a little over five years, getting hitched and impregnating her. Oh yeah…and thanks for being married to me now for three years. We are really going to have to talk about that other woman though.

Yes. I wore black on my wedding day. (1/17/09)