Flash in the Pan: “Finish Line Crawler”

Word: IDEA (150 word max)

Mr. Wolf was a real bully. He didn’t have any friends, and his family disowned him. Supposedly, he ate some old lady in the next county over, which isn’t frowned upon if one is starving, but it was a domestic dispute. There were rumors about her granddaughter and a restraining order.

Mr. Wolf had no social life, on account of the fact that no one wanted to be social with him. Therefore, he had plenty of time for career planning.  He took some business courses and attended “get rich quick” seminars. Eventually, he got into real estate. He bought up most of the town and became a slumlord. Life was pretty good, until those damned little pigs came to town. Then, he got an idea, which would lead to a whole world of trouble for Mr. Wolf.

This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains 137 words.

Word: DINNER (125 word max)

I should’ve paid more attention. Perhaps then, I could’ve cheated death.

From the first moment of takeoff, everything was perfect. I was caressing the air and gliding with ease. I forgot the dangers of flying.

First, I flew upside down, then sideways. Suddenly, while in the middle of my triple loop, I felt myself losing control. Fear grew inside of me as I neared the lava-like liquid below. Once in, I would surely be a goner.

I hit! The heat danced around me with no escape. My skin bubbled as the scalding liquid ate through me. It was sheer  torture, and I knew it would be over soon. I was being cooked alive in someone’s dinner. Why did I have to be born a fly?

This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains  125 words.

Failure to Launch: Friday Frenzy (yesterday)

OKAY…….My bad.

I missed Friday Frenzy because I was in a frenzy. Literally, I was in a “mind” killing frenzy last night and pretty much this morning.

I feel that working out my violent tendencies in my head, prevents me from acting out on anything in real life.

 PLUS…… I so don’t want to go to prison and give up my satellite television, watered down beer and……oh yeah…..Freedom!

OH…….And I really don’t want to be someone’s bitch. Well, maybe if they pay the mortgage and…….OH CRAP…..I am somebody’s bitch.

I will try to get my much-anticipated post out later today. I’m sure the suspense will kill most of you, but only in my mind.

DISCLAIMER: No people were harmed outside of my mind.

Friday Frenzy (5/4/12)

Yeah…..We’ve all made it through another week and if you know someone who hasn’t, then….I guess that statement was inaccurate and insensitive…SO….Let’s correct that one.

Yeah…..Almost all of us have made it through another week.

I’ve learned that:

  • My husband is a mother fucker. No seriously, he is. I am a mother and we have sex. So…..Really, this is true.
  • Striking out some of the letters of my profanity or inappropriate banter, makes me seem more sensitive and less trashy. Sassy!   Sensitive and sort of trashy-classy.
  • It’s my fault my children forget to do their homework….OR….so I am told.
  • I’m also to blame for his/her sibling being born. NOW….That one I can’t argue with. I definitely had a part in that fiasco blessing.
  • I like bacon more than exercise.
  • My new coffee pot is annoying. It dispenses the coffee straight to your cup or bowl….whatever…..BUT…..It makes this annoying sound. Say “errrrrr” with a gravely tone to your voice. That’s what I get to hear each time I get my coffee. I finally figured out what that sound reminds me of……a vibrator. SO…..Mr. Coffee may be on to something, at least for the ladies, or anyone else loving such trinkets. See…..Those Maxwell House International Coffee ads always showed women talking about some lover they met and how the coffee brought back memories. Mr. Coffee now gives you an imaginary orgasm or the memory of one, each time you pour your coffee. Kind of genius.
  • The sound of the air coming out of a balloon would be the men’s equivalent to the women’s Mr. Coffee. I mean really, it seems letting out gas is orgasmic to some.

Carry on weekenders!

Hair to the rescue.

The economy sucks and stay at home moms are feeling even more pressure to save money and earn money if possible. The good news is, the solution has been right under our noses this whole time. Not only has it been under our noses, but it’s been under our armpits and panties the entire time. That’s right. Let’s go natural and stop shaving to improve our way of living.

Think of the savings just by not shaving. You can save money on:

  • shaving cream
  • razors
  • waxing
  • electricity (He won’t want the lights on much longer.)
  • going out (Bagging Big Foot may be a twisted fantasy in the bedroom, but he’s going to be keeping you indoors sweetheart.)



Think of other possibilities and further savings involved. Such as:

  • baby carrier (Pubic hair comes through a special “snatch patch” opening sewn into dresses.)
  • multi-purpose carrier (water bottles, groceries, coolers….Just make sure to use horse shampoo to strengthen and lengthen.)
  • dog leash
  • restraints/whips (Business or Pleasure)
  • bikini (This can be wrapped several ways for diversity.)

There are opportunities to start your own business. Check into:

  • towing business (Get some natural girls like you together to pull that car out of a ditch. NO expensive equipment or truck is needed.)
  • fetish business (Set up a website for all those freaks, who love their women hairy.)
  • dog walking business

Don’t think you can’t make a statement or show your beauty. Try:

  • forming dreadlocks
  • adding bows/ribbons
  • braiding
  • extensions (This could also add to your income earning potential.)
  • color it
  • perm it

Come on ladies. Start growing your hair out and create a new glorious life for yourself and your families. You won’t regret it until you realize, he’ll dump your ass if you don’t start shaving and then…..think positive thoughts ladies:


(another money-making venture if you play your cards right)

Cheap Love: Courtesy of “The Coach”

I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. A hooker on the street, who clearly needs dental work and a bath is not going to break the bank. They may break your no STD streak though, but only if that’s a concern to you. There’s also that person at work, who gets drunk off cough syrup and takes it all off for a chili dog at 7-11. BUT….I’m not talking about that. I’m back to America’s Romance Coach. Let’s give another round of sighs and gagging sounds to Gregory Godek. I found some really great and cheap ideas for romance out of his supposed bestselling book, 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC.

  • Run a bubble bath and have sex in the tub. Okay. Bubble baths can lead to urinary tract infections, which hurt like a mother fucker. Unless you want that intercourse to be your last for a while, don’t do it in the damn bubble bath.
  • Put a love letter in a bottle and leave it floating in the bathtub. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t the purpose romance? A message traveling miles upon miles and even years in the water, is mysterious and magical. This idea sucks big time. Why not just drop it in the toilet?
  • Speaking of which: Write notes on rolls of toilet paper. What a turn on. There’s nothing more I’d like than to put “I Love You.” on a sheet and then have my love wipe their ass with it. Seriously, is he joking?
  • Send her a copy of your résumé and attach a note saying you want to know her better. Fucking stupid. Enough said on that idea.
  • Give him a toy telephone with a note asking E.T to phone home more often. Wow! I bet he can hardly control the growth in his pants imagining a shriveled up alien, who looks like he’s in need of a neck circumcision.

“The Coach” also has some ideas strictly for the singles out there.

  • Pushing the résumé idea awfully hard again. Economic times are tough. So….Unless they can also offer you a job, don’t bother.
  • Celebrate the onset of her menstrual cycle with champagne. This is to celebrate the relief of the male and to ease the pain of the female. WTF! I would love to hear opinions on that idea.
  • When giving jewelry, never package it in a ring box unless it’s an engagement ring. Why ask for trouble? Okay. This jackass is just pissing me off now.

Here are some lovely thoughts for married couples.

  • In the middle of a party/event, whisper to your mate that they are the best. Why the whisper? Are you embarrassed or something? Wouldn’t it mean more if you said it out loud so others knew you meant it.
  • Frame your wedding license and hang it on the wall. I don’t know about romantic, but it’s a nice reminder that you’ll legally obligated to each other.
  • He also suggests: Making a small copy of your wedding license and putting it in your wallet next to your driver’s license. That way, when someone questions how anyone could be brain-dead enough to marry a dumbass like you, you can whip it out and prove someone was that brain-dead.

For the saps………….

I have the book 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC, which I was tempted to give to Goodwill (because everyone needs loving), but it’s great material. The author, Gregory J.P. Godek labels himself, America’s Romance Coach. I’ve never heard of him so I’m not sure how long he’s been coaching us, here in America. Do we have an American Olympic Romance Team? The book was published in 1995, but I don’t remember being on his team. Perhaps that’s why my first incarceration, I mean marriage, failed. If only I had Coach Godek on my side, perhaps my ex-cellmate wouldn’t have parked his car in so many garages and brought home unknown oil stains and grease. Perhaps if I had followed the suggestions, all 1001 of them, offered in “the book”, then things would’ve been different. NOW……Let’s get serious. No amount of romance is going to unwedge private parts or stir up feelings someone never had before. Romance is just the topping on the cake people. And yes, it can mean that kind of cake if you like…….disgusting gutter minded pigs!

It’s great, because the beginning of the book talks about the 2 kinds of romance being obligatory and optional. Wow! Give me some of that obligatory romance because it sounds awesome. Today is a day for that type of romance. Nothing says love more than someone telling you: “you have to”. I’m pretty sure I saw that in an episode of Criminal Minds.

In case anyone needs guidance, let’s explore some of Coach’s ideas and thoughts:

  • “Tune-in” to romantic opportunities: He says they are everywhere. We should look on the t.v., radio, in newspapers and magazines. We should even look in shop windows. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting porn out of that.
  • Overdo something: He suggests that if your “love” loves something, you should go overboard (ex: loves m&m’s…..buy 50 lbs). My hubby says he loves having alone time. I think I should go out for ice cream and never come back.
  • Give your partner choices. He suggests: fast or slow, now or later, large or small, modern or antique, public or private. Wow. What a pervy guy. So….I’m interpreting erect or not-erect, with me or not with me and young twenty year-old or nursing home candidate. HMMMMM?
  • He says romance is a balance between: actions speaking louder than words and it’s the thought that counts. WTF! Is Confucius here with some fucked up fortune cookie?
  • His thoughts on flowers: give one for every day you’ll be away if traveling, get to know your florist, put one in her purse or his briefcase, put one under the windshield wiper……Well, after you get to know your florist, I’ll assume you are traveling with her and when you get home, I’ll stick a thorny rose up your ass. That will be memorable.
  • His specific Valentine’s Day ideas: take this day off from work, send 20 cards to your love, greet him at the door wearing only a red ribbon, buy children’s valentines and fill the sink with them or tape them all over her car. Okay, so I’m love-sick? I’m sure the boss will understand. Can we say stalker? Why the woman and the ribbon? Men clearly have the hanger for proper bow placement. With the money it would cost for that many kid’s valentine’s, I’d rather buy a bunch of tequila, a few bags of sand,  put on a horribly fitting bikini and play drunken “spring break” sex with my hubby. You better not put that shit all over my car. I’m not spending a day cursing you while I attempt to get the tape off.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

My blog is on it’s menstrual cycle.

Pretty gross, I know, but what else can it be? This is my 3rd post for today. The words are flowing out of me and it’s kind of ugly and messy. I tried to wrap my keyboard with a pad, but it didn’t work.

Actually, it’s not that complicated or interesting, but it’s this: The baby has slept through the night (only 2 nights) and mommy isn’t as tired during the day. Also, my office is pretty much done. It needs the light fixture put in and some caulking done, but it’s basically done. Having my space makes all the difference.

Just getting started.

This corner looks better now.

All the random crap from around the house, finally has a home.

These photos are crap, but I never said I was a photographer. Being in my office has motivated me to think of some money making ideas. Working outside of the home is not an option. I am hanging with my little man. So….What does that leave?
The sex industry is an option: call girl (at home), sex site or phone sex operator. I’d have to work around dropping off and picking up the kids from school, therapy visits and other errands. Too much trouble. A web site would be cool, but it would be like looking at a naked chicken dumpling with lips (2 sets) and although, I’m sure someone would be turned on by that, I’ll pass. Phone sex would be easier, but I’d end up clipping my toe nails during calls or taking the phone with me to the bathroom. Again….fetishes are out there. I don’t know if I want to pretend to enjoy strangers sick requests. I’d probably end up laughing at their sorry asses on the phone and I’m pretty sure I’d lose customers that way. Okay…that’s out. I guess I’ll have to keep thinking about it. I’ve always wanted to write Greeting Cards in my spare time. HMMMM!

Happy Anniversary Sucker!

The day is almost over, but I want to say thanks to my smoking hot husband.

Thanks for hooking up with a woman with two kids, shacking up with her for a little over five years, getting hitched and impregnating her. Oh yeah…and thanks for being married to me now for three years. We are really going to have to talk about that other woman though.

Yes. I wore black on my wedding day. (1/17/09)

Weekly Photo Challenge (my way): Winter

So….This is totally my style, but perhaps not what WordPress was looking for when they created this challenge. Sorry, but I can’t help myself.