TOP NEWS STORIES
Since the scandal at Penn State, other cases have come to light. At this time, the seven dwarfs ae denying any sexual misconduct with the underaged Snow White, but do admit to her residing in their home. She ran away and the dwarfs took her in, but only if she agreed to cook, clean, wash, sew and knit for them. White slavery and child labor charges have been filed at this time.
Alec Baldwin was unwilling to give an interview and this shot of his middle finger is all we were able to take. He recently made the news for being kicked off an American Airlines flight for disruptive behaviour. It’s rumored that plans are being made by “those” people to kick him out of the 1%. If this happens, Mr. Baldwin will rally to have the Occupy Movement go to Rockefeller Center around the christmas tree. He hopes that Santa will bring him his gifts there. If he doesn’t, he will kick his ass and poison the reindeer, but only after he forces Santa to play Words With Friends.
Speaking of Santa…..Can we say HO, HO, HOLDING CELL? Santa, who was on vacation last week in sunny California, was mistaken for Nick Nolte, while taking a joyful stroll down Hollywood Boulevard. Santa admitted to the resemblance, but denied it was him. Crazed fans became upset because he would not sign autographs or take a hit off their oxygen tanks. Santa screamed: “I’m Santa Clause dammit. Show some respect.” That’s when the fans realized he must be Gary Busey. Afterall, he says shit like that.
A witness, claims that Santa tried to suffocate a man in his beard, after the man said he should have kicked Meatloaf’s ass. Santa thought it was a fat joke. Mr. Claus was arrested for assault and was also given a citation for all the reindeer poop he neglected to pick up.
Due to the economy, layoffs are happening everywhere. This includes the North Pole. Santa has devised a survival of the fittest plan. The elves will engage in a fight club each week. The eliminated participants (injury or death) will be let go. The top competitors will travel with him on Christmas Eve. Times are tough and Santa doesn’t want to worry about being sleigh jacked this season.
Nick Jr. is also going through some tough times. One of their most popular shows, Dora the Explorer, was in jeopardy recently, due to Swiper getting rabies. Nick Jr. has recently discovered that the rabies is not the paralyzing kind and instead, is the nervous, irritable and aggressive kind. They have decided to work this to their advantage and start a new program called Dora the Hunted. Good luck Dora! “Swiper, no swiping!”
NOT SO ENTERTAINING NEWS:
If you watch the X Factor, then you are aware of judge Nicole Scherzinger. She is more annoying and attention starved than Paula Abdul. Yes, it’s possible. She is also extremely indecisive, as you can see by her inability to decide between being clothed or not. This quirk led to her tearful refusal, in regards to keeping Rachel Crow last week. Sadly enough, she listened to Paula. Now, she is receiving horrible threats from the public.
Next season, it’s rumored that Nicole will be replaced by Lucy van Pelt (Charlie Brown), who doesn’t give a rat’s ass what Paula thinks or feels. Lucy vows to speak her mind, as well as the mind of everyone else on the panel. The FOX Network is thrilled with this decision. Lucy’s contract clearly states that she is paid five cents for each piece of advice. It’s a win-win.