Flash in the Pan: Happiness

I met my best friend while putting out a fire, or so I thought. Smoke was coming from my neighbor’s cellar. I ran over and felt the door. It wasn’t hot, so I figured I could handle it and be a hero. Their hose was nearby. I went over, turned it on, threw the door open and wildly sprayed that water.

“What the hell!” someone shouted.

I never saw that girl sitting on the steps. There she was though, hair stuck to her face, mascara running and a broken-wet cigarette dangling from her mouth. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Something funny?” she yelled.

“Aren’t you a little young…” I started to say.

“I’m twelve, thank you!” she said angrily while moving the hair out of her eyes. “My name’s Happiness too. If you got something to say about that, I’ll kick your ass.”

“No.” I smiled. “I think we’re good.”

This was inspired by: M3 Flash Challenge
Word Limit: 150
My word count: 150

SEX THIS YEAR Threatens Stay-at Home Mom with Disabled Child Living Paycheck to Paycheck

It’s not that exciting people. SEX THIS YEAR is the name of a “magazine” and WordPress blog site. The creator has his panties in a bunch over an earlier blog post Jeremie Mouithsone: Who?  . I say……get bigger panties and stop attempting to bully me.

Clearly, he didn’t read the post or doesn’t understand the language I used. That would be ENGLISH! I posted a copy of a letter HE sent to me. I added my own little spin. Apparently, my post brought unwanted attention to Mr. Mouithsone……AND…….He “no likey”. Someone said they were screwed over by him, and some woman mentioned his pre-ejaculation issues.

WELL……Here he is, verbally pre-ejaculating here. I took a second comment directed towards Lawrence off. Seriously Mr. Mouithsone! Lawrence and I aren’t blog roomies. Take your issues to his side of the internet. I am not a couples counselor.

Here’s what he sent to me:

Hell Lorre,

I hope you have already seen my response to your stupid, messages, If I can remember, you and I have never had any business deal, and I wonder why you go about spreading wrong message about online?

Here are my conditions, please do take that article about me down, within the next few days, otherwise I would now choice, but to destroy your entire life online and I mean it.

As mentioned above, Lawrence was a client of ours, we did provide ads as promised, but he went on stalking on the girl that was assigned to his account, and we had no choice but discontinue his campaign. We have all proofs, such as his harassment emails send to the girl.

So I’m giving you two days to pull down the article, failure to do so, will result into an online fight between you and me, and trust me, you don’t want to see what I would say about you, because I will find your real name.

So, please pull down you article, I do not know you, and I’ve never done anything wrond to you

My response:

Hell Jeremie,

Listen. Although, I appreciate you “liking” my post and becoming a follower, I really need you to step into reality. Perhaps where you’re from, its common to throw tantrums and bully women. In America, most women aren’t threatened by men, who are shorter than their twelve-year-old. Plus, I think my daughter has more facial hair than you. (Sorry baby!) I’ll give you an “A” for effort though. If I hadn’t had so much coffee before reading your note, I probably would’ve given you a 1 on the threat scale.

Let me take some responsibility here. I’m sorry I posted an email you sent me, which became my property once you did. I’m sorry I added humor to the letter and gave your “highly regarded in your mind” magazine free press. Apparently, there is no humor in your land.

To be clear, we never did any monkey business together. And definitely not funny business! Also, I post wrong messages and pics on the internet all the time. It is a learning curve, but as a follower, you’ll catch on. I also have a strict policy about not deleting my posts. Unless the order comes directly from the President, or someone offering me bundles of cash, I can’t do it.

Its kind of exciting…..getting under someone’s skin so much, they want to destroy your entire life online.  You do know that I am not a virtual character, right?!? I didn’t even use the internet until I was out of college. So…...in essence, you are leaving me with the best years of my life. Regarding destroying my life, thanks for saying you “mean it”. It is important to keep promises.

You and Lawrence have a very complex relationship. It is full of passion and money exchanging hands. You two need to get a room and hash it out. I’m not into that scene.

Thanks for warning me about the fight. Are we going to meet after school or during recess? And thanks for not being a sexist. Clearly, you have no issues threatening a member of the opposite sex. You make me feel like one of the little guys. Just so you know, I’ve heard it all before. There is nothing you can say about me that I haven’t said and posted myself. If you have trouble finding things, there’s a porn video floating around with me and some zoo animals. I filmed it before I was placed in witness protection for breaking up the Animal Prostitution Ring of 92. Its okay if you find out my real name. Witness protection will just relocate me and give me a new one. I’m kind of getting tired of Iowa. Oh fuck! I guess I have to move on.

So again Jeremie, I’m sorry you are so upset, but I appreciate the word “please” when threatening me. You are one classy guy. And you’re right, you never did any “wrond” to me. You just did something “wrond” to the English language. And best of luck with your magazine and your WordPress blog that doesn’t allow ads. I love the free theme you picked out. It is the same one my son picked to blog about his Xbox games.

P.S: Can you reconsider though? Maybe you could go after my real-life. I have too many kids, one with special needs, I’m overwhelmed, under appreciated, have bunions, have painful varicose veins, some unknown growth on my cervix, $5.41 in savings, hair that’s falling out, pants I have to use a rubber band to fit into, a bitching menstrual cycle going on, only three beers in the frig, a ridiculous electric bill   ………………………………………………………………………………..

I finally did it RED! Here’s my 1 crazy to your 1,000,000,000 crazy.

I can’t do it all, but somehow, I don’t think that was a secret.

SO…….I had great plans when I started this blog. Let me go over some of them.

  • Workout/Lose Weight: I have stepped up my game and lost some weight, but that isn’t hard when stepping it up means getting your ass off the couch a few more times than usual. I’m still staying up way too late, which has kicked my metabolism in the ass.
  • Cut Down on Drinking: This means alcohol of course. I was never an alcoholic, but I sure loved to drink my heavy calorie and sugary blends. Doing better! I am on to beer water as most of you know. BUT…….The drinking socially thing is still an issue. I have cut the sugar drinks out, lowered the alcohol content and the calories……BUT…..The frequency of events to attend: parties, friendly dinners, bullshit celebrations (made up ones) and “the kids drive me crazy” reflection nights have not helped matters. With the social drinking, comes social eating, social ass seating and social staying up late. AND……..As stated before, none of these are good.
  • Write: I started a blog, two, then three……as an outlet. I needed to get back on the horse (so to speak), although I can ride one. The blog was to get my feet wet again, so I could work on writing projects I started pre-kids. This has not happened due to the overwhelming time (when I have it) it seems to take: writing, commenting, reading other blogs….blah, blah, blah……..
  • Work with/therapy for my son and remember I have 3 others: Well, if I am spending my time doing the above…..I’m not working as much as I should with my son or spending enough quality time with my kids.

SO……In conclusion:

I know I’m my own person with dreams…..blah, blah, blah……but I am a mom/wife first. This is my choice and what I signed up for. I’m not saying I live my life for others, but I’m not going to half-ass it and end up having my kids write shit about me one day, or my husband.  At least, not if I can help it. When they are gone (not the husband), then I get 100% of the time for myself. For now, the time needs to be split, with them getting the lion’s share. Maybe I would have turned out better if someone used that plan with me!

AND……Let’s face it. No one benefits from a mom/wife who weighs so much, she can’t get off the computer chair without huffing and puffing or one that falls off the chair from party exhaustion or over-consumption of beer water…….SO…….Keeping in shape is a top priority.

Writing/Blogging is for me and it will have to wait for a convenient time. This may mean a few times a week, or a few times a month. Who knows? I sure don’t.


Weekly Photo Challenge: Sun

Gate in Richmond

Back before the second millennium, I took a photography course in college. You know, when actual film had to be put in cameras and a “negative” was not just a bad point in someone. The assignment was shadows, but let’s face it, you can’t have shadows without the sun.

Don’t Read This Blog

Don’t read this blog. I don’t deserve your time

I’ve become quite lazy and can’t seem to give up mine.

Have I read anyone else or commented at all?

Hell no. I’m a selfish bitch and that’s not all.

I’ve received a few awards from lovely bloggers.

I haven’t followed through. I’m an award hogger.

Worse than that, I’m a hoarder of blogger stuff.

Everyone I follow is in Google Reader. It’s piling up.

If Google collapses, you can blame that on me.

I’m sure Occupy is my fault too and maybe some STDs.

I truly am sorry I’ve become such a fucking lazy ass.

Buying this car, but I can’t put in the gas.

I promise to visit when I am willing and able.

When I’m done being a jackass, if we must give it a label.

Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

This has been proven false. I’m a bad blog whore.

Whores get around and I can’t even manage to tease

I’ll spread my blog legs soon and get back to spreading comment disease.

Tag. I’m it!

I’ve been tagged by three fellow bloggers for “Tag, you’re it.” Now, I haven’t been tagged in a bad way, unlike the possibilities in my previous post (TAG). This is a game of questions and here’s how it works.

Post the rules, which are:

Answer taggers 11 questions and post to your blog. Also, link the tagger. (yes)

Come up with 11 new questions to give 11 new people. Post the questions and link those bloggers. (no, later)

Let them know on their blog that they’ve been tagged. (see above)

Janice tagged me: http://auroramorealist.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/tag/

Her questions:

1. If there was one thing you could tell people about you that might surprise them, what would it be? It’s a secret.

2. If you were given another chance at life, to come back as anything or anyone you want, who or what would you choose and why? I would stay the same, but with better looks and more money in my bank account.  I can’t imagine giving anyone up in my life now.

3. Have you ever known true love and how did you know? I’m in it now. Because I want to kill him sometimes, but something holds me back. It must be love.

4. Where would you most like to live? In the realm of sanity.

5. What is your favorite thing in the world to do? Go to little shops and find unique treasures that no one else wants.

6. What one thing do you wish you did when you had the chance? Saved 100% of my divorce settlement and invested it.

7. Describe yourself in three words. Sarcastic, witty, creative

8. What kind of books do you read? Ha! Who has time to read?!?

9. If a stranger knocked on your door and asked for food or shelter, what would you do? Ignore them because if they go to my house and not my neighbors, who have a less treacherous driveway, then they want to kill me.

10. Which of your creative outlets do you enjoy most and why? Singing. It increases my endorphinem levels.

11. Are you glad or ticked off that I tagged you? The jury hasn’t come back with the verdict yet.

Daphnée tagged me: http://evilnymphstuff.wordpress.com/2012/03/01/to-be-or-not-to-be-tagged-crazy-game-going-around-wordpress/#comment-18345

Her questions:

1. When is the one and only moment when you can totally feel blissful? In the shower. It’s all about me. No cooking, cleaning or kids.

2. Are you a social media/internet addict? No. I find it all rather time-sucking.

3. Tell me your favorite dessert. Chocolate mousse

4. Your lifetime passion? Writing

5. What motivates you to blog? To write: myself……To blog: my audience

6. Introvert or extrovert? According to you, do you find this trait of you advantageous or disadvantageous? I’m right in the middle, depending on the situation or activity. Sometimes I’m a bit too “extroverted” with my words.

7. Are you a planner or do you do everything at random? I hate flying by the seat of my pants. It drives my internal clock crazy. I try to plan.

8. What do you hate the most about you? Sensitivity

9. What do you prefer the most about you? Humor

10. When I say ‘Change’ what’s the first thing that comes into your mind? Change the sheets.

11. Please, before you go, tell us a favorite advice of yours. If you don’t like it,  move on.

Elyse tagged me: http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/02/25/the-slow-kid-gets-it-again/ It was optional for any reader, but she mentioned me by name and said I probably wouldn’t do it…..so I had to.

Here are her questions:

  1. What color best describes you? Red
  2. Dogs or cats? Depends…..do they pee in the house?
  3. Favorite Broadway Show: Cats
  4. First TV crush — and does he/she resemble your significant other? Shaun Cassidy. No. My hubby doesn’t have that much hair.
  5. M*A*S*H or Mary Tyler Moore Show? Mary
  6. Favorite romantic dinner? Anything out without children.
  7. First childhood memory? Hiding under the dining table eating ice cream before dinner. If my dad found me I would’ve gotten the belt.
  8. Plot summary of your first novel? Someone was going to die.
  9. Are you punny? Yes
  10. What will you do when you win the lottery? Pay off all debt. Put money in the bank for the kid’s college. Then……I don’t know.
  11. Tell me about a brush with fame. My purple brush is pretty famous. It’s always missing because everyone in the house wants to use it.

I’ll making my way, door to door.

Okay….So I took a week off to decompress, which didn’t do a thing for my blog reading or commenting, except make it more overwhelming. BUT…..That’s okay. I managed to put everything into Google Reader, which does make it easier to find and read the good stuff. I also managed to mess up the blogs I follow by taking them off my WordPress account somehow. Oh well, that happened after I copied them all into Google. I hope. Also…..The number of blogs I follow really isn’t that bad, but you people sure write a lot of shit and I mean that in the nicest way. So….Now I can begin visiting everyone and not feel like my email account has a strangle-hold on me. I also took my links off of Facebook. If people don’t know how to find my blog by now, then they really don’t want to read it and I’m tired of checking Facebook for anything. So……See you soon.

Whoring around in the blogosphere……(inspired by: 911 post)

This was inspired by the commenters on my earlier blog post (911….). You can totally blame each one of them for the length of this post. Sorry, Margie. I hope you can hang.

Of course you are and so am I silly. If you have several followers and several blogs that you follow, then let’s face it, you get around. Blogs are like people and intimate relationships. You set up your blog with a fancy little theme and try to change it around a bit so you stand out from others. That’s not unlike the way we decide to dress, although some of us stand out for the wrong reasons. The way we present our blog sends a message. Is it the right one? When we get in a mood in life, we might change our hairstyle or get some plastic surgery. In the blog world, we might upgrade our theme, change a font or add some graphics to our page. Just remember, if you are going to entice others to come and take a peek, you better be ready to put out the goods.

There are many types of relationships out there for blogs:

  • LONG-TERM:  You really like it and read it all the time.
  • REBOUND: Your favorite blogger went on hiatus and you need to find a replacement to fill the void.
  • ONE-NIGHT STAND:  You read a blog once and then “forget about it”.
  • BLIND DATE: Someone recommended them through a link.
  • CASUAL: You pop in and out when you see fit.
  • OPEN: You are a heavy commenter on several blogs, but the bloggers know you have more than one favorite.
  • BOOTIE CALL: You know where to go just to get that fix you need.

Okay……So you’ve hooked them. You’ve captured your prey, but now it’s up to you to keep them interested. That’s where the posts come in. There are so many directions you can go in, but the idea is to hold the reader’s interest and keep them coming back for more. Don’t forget your categories and tags are like personal ads. People seek out certain things and you need to be on their radar.

The different types of postings one blog could offer:

  • LONG: This can work for and against you. A lot of times, a reader sees the length before they decide to dive in. A bit of foreplay, in the way of a great opening will encourage them to give it a go. BUT…..You better have some mad skills to hold their attention. AND….By all means, don’t disappoint at the end with a fizzle. The reader needs to be satisfied or they may never travel that road again. Long posts can be hard to swallow. Long posts with no momentum can cause boredom, soreness and pain. The reader will assume you keep going on and on because you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. Don’t let that happen.
  • SHORT: The polar opposite of the lengthy one. Too short and you could leave your reader disappointed or confused. “What just happened here?” If it stops short, you run the risk of being a tease.If you can manage a dynamic post in brevity, then all is forgiven, including lack of foreplay.
  • JUMPY: You have to show caution with a post that goes from topic to topic. There are those of us who enjoy a bumpy ride, but being sloppy and thoughtless in your presentation make the person want to jump out of the car.

So you found a blog you’re interested in and you decided to go on a reading date. If the blog is lucky, you may decide to go out on another and that could really lead to something.

The ways readers show they might want something more:

  • HIT: It’s like drunken sex with a stranger. You don’t know who it was, but somebody “hit that”.
  • LIKE BUTTON: “Hey. Looking good. I like what I see.”
  • COMMENT: This let’s them know exactly how you feel.
  • SHARE/LINK: “Damn good. Let’s get others involved.” (OR) “I have to brag about this.”
  • FOLLOW: “It’s some of the best I’ve had. I’m coming back for more.” (OR) “I’m forming a blog harem.”

There are some things to beware of in the blogosphere:

  • USE PROTECTION: Don’t give out a lot of personal information so that some crazy can hunt you down and make you his bitch. ALSO….If needed, moderate comments on your page to avoid any “cat fights”.
  • AVOID SPAM: These are the STD’s of the internet. Spam gets in there, usually by disguise and tries to infect you and everyone else that gets in its way.
  • PUTTING OUT ALL THE TIME: This is a recipe for disaster. Even Superman needed to rest. Don’t worry about “hitting” so many blogs and “putting out” on yours non-stop. This leads to exhaustion, which leads to ugliness and then no one will want to “hit that” anymore.

Above all, remember that blogging is fun and an outlet. If you’re lucky, it might lead somewhere amazing. BUT…..Don’t think you aren’t loved if it takes awhile for someone to call on you. It’s not like “real” relationships. Calm down. It’s hard being a “blog player”. Sometimes, to give one blogger attention, you may have to neglect another. BUT…..Unlike ignoring your wife to sleep with your mistress, it’s not cheating. AND…..Don’t get me started about Freshly Pressed. I attribute it to the game “7 Minutes in Heaven”, where you are randomly selected. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Just saying Rob.