Reheated Leftovers: Like the networks, enjoy the rerun!


He’s not my friend. He’s my husband

October 27th, 2011

 Disclaimer: If you and your spouse are besties, you may be offended by this.  Too fucking bad.

I  hear a lot of people say their spouse is their best friend. On Facebook, there are a myriad of posts announcing “On this day blah, blah years ago, I married my best friend.” I just can’t relate. First of all, I’m not twelve anymore. I can’t afford to have only one best friend. My friends have spouses, kids, jobs and other friends. I’d be very lonely if I waited for my one best friend to be available………and quite frankly……..a bit pathetic and needy. Can we say Single White Female? (Look it up if you don’t get the reference.) I have several really great friends. I don’t live in the right state to be married to more than one of them. So I’m out on legality alone.

Let’s get down to it. None of my great friends have penises. Some of them carry their spouses balls around from time to time, but that’s it. After my own experiences with guys I thought were my best friends, I realize that a true-best friendship between men and women is really not possible (sexual tension is a bummer). I know someone will disagree with that, but I’m here to tell you….”I’m right and you’re wrong.” The exception would be if one is a homosexual. So at this point, my husband has a penis and is absolutely not a homosexual. So far, the friend thing is looking bleak.

Vacations with friends can be great. I’m still friends with the ones I’ve traveled with. We returned to our corners. My friends would agree. They don’t want to live with me either. Needless to say, my husband and I go on vacation with friends to get away from each other. Plus, we can’t afford more than one house and who’d be stuck with the kids? Friends also share clothing, shoes and jewelry. I wouldn’t be married to a man I could do this with. And the tampon thing………. total deal breaker if he had his own supply.

When I need to vent about married life, I bitch with my best friends. That so would not work if that person was my husband. I think I know whose fucking side he’d be on. My friends are great. They tell it like it is and give me their unbiased opinions about crap. My husband needs to tell me what I want to hear and give me my opinion. I’m his damn wife. He better be biased. Friends also show an interest in your stuff, or at least pretend to. We aren’t dating anymore. I don’t give a crap about his high score on XBox and he doesn’t give a shit about my recent decoupage project.

I enjoy my friendships because I have a husband to come home to. I enjoy my husband because I have great friends to be myself with. The bottom line is: I can never be friends with my spouse. There are too many factors working against us. Besides, I don’t have sex with my friends and I’m not willing to trade the best fucking, non-love making, mind-blowing sex of my life for friendship. We’re married. Isn’t that good enough!??!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to my home, but………..


With the holidays in full force, there are gatherings, parties and meals to share. There are people going here and people going there. BUT….Keep in mind when you open your home and you walk into others…………………………………….

WELCOME TO MY HOME

not a daycare….I am not here to watch your children

not a gym….don’t look for a punching bag here

not a theater….leave the drama at your house

not a library….it won’t be quiet

not a school….we have nothing to learn

not a drugstore….those meds are mine, support your habit elsewhere

not a church….don’t preach here

not a therapist’s office….we aren’t here to solve problems

not a confessional….we aren’t here to listen to them either

not an ATM….enough said on that

not a theme park….we aren’t here to amuse you

not a buffet….don’t eat me out of house and home

BUT….feel free to leave a tip (monetary, of course)

AND….don’t forget to leave

Lessons Learned: 2011


SO….As this year begins to wind down, I’ve thought about lessons I’ve learned this year from my life and by talking with others. Let me share some of them with you.

DRINKING

  • When you continually tell your wife it’s time to leave the party and she gets “one” more drink behind your back, you are negotiating with a drunken person. Take charge and pick her ass off the chair. You might save her from sleeping on the bathroom floor again.
  • Light beer does not mean drink double what you normally would.
  • Next time you think it’s a good idea to get drunk around kids and tell “funny” stories, just remember…..they aren’t laughing at your stories.

SEX 

  • It’s fun trying to get pregnant. The mom in me says: “if you are of age and married” because I never did a thing like that out-of-wedlock. (Damn! I just got hit by lightning.)
  • Married with kids? Take it when you can get it, despite who is home or if either one of you is in the mood. Sex can be the mood changer!

PARENTING

  • Develop a strategy with your kids now because they will decide where you live when you are old and needy.
  • It’s okay to say, “Do as I say, not as I do.”, because why should my ten year-old be driving?
  • Parenting and friendship don’t mix. It confusing and leads to line crossing, mostly by the grownups. AND…. don’t try and become friends with their friends. It’s creepy at any age and so are moms in jeggings.

RELIGION

  • If God is everywhere, then he already knows you missed church. So tell all those busybodies to worry about themselves. You met with God over coffee this morning.
  • If it seems like someone has mixed up a big batch of Kool-Aid (bad kind) during the sermon, find a new church.
  • It’s okay to discuss religion, despite one’s beliefs, but don’t jam your opinions down one’s throat through a beer bong. This could potentially lead to gagging.

DIET/EXERCISE

  • Don’t start a diet around the holidays. That’s just stupid. (I am a dummy for that.)
  • Fat-free and calorie free is not the same thing. How’s the scale looking after eating that whole tub of FF ice cream?
  • Looking at the exercise equipment for 20 minutes, 3 times a day, is not effective.
  • Running your mouth and exercising your right to annoy people burns very few calories.
  • It’s not a coincidence that DIET is spelled with the word “DIE”. AND…..EXERCISE is very close to EXORCIST.

EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK

  • Don’t use a stripper on your hair…..Not the kind in a bottle and definitely not the kind that gyrates on a pole. They both lead to trouble that’s hard to fix and hard to get out.
  • Be true to yourself. Everyone always thinks they know better than you, but really…..they don’t. Well, I do, but they don’t.
  • Like a good bra, be supportive of those you love. Nobody wants floppy boobs in their face when making a decision. Well…maybe some of you do.

Reheated Leftovers from mommy………


Finally, I get to reheat some writing leftovers. I’m not trying to be lazy or anything. Really, I’m not. I’m doing it on purpose. I’m spending the day running kids around to practices and wrapping stuff they don’t need for Christmas. SO…..Instead of posting nothing on days like this, I’m going to reheat some lesser read posts from the past. It’s only been since mid-October, so we have to think in tech years to use the word old, but whatever. Enjoy this post for the first time or enjoy it again.

When mommy talks………..

26 Oct 2011

Call waiting and remotes were the big issues when I was growing up. My dad thought those things made us lazy and rude.

In today’s world: I have to teach my child to look someone in the eye when talking to them and hopefully without a cell phone in their hand texting away. I also need to teach them to spell since the phones and computers do that for them. I don’t need to be related to complete dummies.  They need to know they really do have the time to say “laugh out loud” and “best friend forever”.  I blame KFC and IHOP for that crap though.  I have to teach them to shake hands instead of  poking each other on Facebook. I need to show them where the free clinic is in case they later want to poke someone they met on Facebook.

Sexting and porn shots are not viable choices. This is something they need to know if they don’t want Gramma to accidentally get the text or have the pics sent out to the masses when some bastard takes their phone as a prank. I need them to know the immediate gratification that comes from the ability to control live television and instantly access just about anything online, does not translate with humans.  And….good luck getting the truth all the time. Oh wait. That is like the internet.

Also, no one really has 576 friends. I’d hate to send those fucking Christmas cards. “Real” friends don’t call or stop by everyday to say “Yeah. Bob did the dishes. Friday couldn’t come sooner. or Making steak for dinner.” Real friends actually know where you live and visit. They drink all your coffee or liquor, tell you things they wouldn’t tell 575 other people and don’t leave you with carpal tunnel syndrome after chatting them up for a few hours. The carpal could happen with  male friends (with benefits), who jack off during dirty sex talk. This is old school, but never out of style. Also, vibrators are (old technology) allowed.  The spinning ones that light up might as well have a GPS installed. If you need a light than you’ve been around too much you slutty whore.

Real farmers don’t ask their friends to give them gifts and then buy hot air balloons and elephants. Farmville makes real farmers want to go “postal”. This doesn’t happen so much now, thanks to email and bill pay online. I need to teach my kids what a stamp looks like and how writing an actual letter and sending it out, would make them appear amazing. Hey….we are buying you a real dog. That damn pet you have on Webkinz is costing me a fucking fortune.

YouTube is not a replacement for college and the real job market. Kids need to know there really was a job market and there might be one again. Reality television is not reality. No one wants to watch real people doing real shit. Do you want to meet someone? Get the hell out of the house! You don’t need an online dating service if you get off the fucking computer. When the electricity goes off for a few hours, it’s not the end of the world. You will survive.

Cursive is not the same as hieroglyphics. GPS can sometimes reroute you through someone’s home by mistake. Jeggings will go down in history like Members Only jackets and prairie shirts. Skinny jeans on boys look gay. Don’t say gay in that way. It’s offensive. You don’t have the cool mom. We all know the words to the songs and movies you watch. They are crappy remakes.

So go outside and play. It’s what we old folks did before Kinect, Wii and all this gadgetry. Don’t be confused by my actions.  I can embrace technology  because I was already raised old school. I’m allowed to zip through commercials because I have better things to do. I will call you on the intercom system because I need to use my energy elsewhere. I will use the Wii because no one wants to see my fat ass running around outside. Facebook is my guilty pleasure. It allows me to decipher who is sleeping with who and making jabs at each other in code. YouTube allows me to watch videos that were taken away from MTV when the Real World took over. You don’t need a blog because mom has one. I’ve slept longer than you’ve been alive. What do you have to say??!!?? AND……it’s none of your business why my vibrator spins around with lights. When I say it’s a high-tech mixer, then you better believe me.

Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone.


This blog post goes out to a special person, who had a snag occur in her life and wants nothing more but to move on. It seems that people who know her, or rather, think they know her, want to weigh in on when, if and how she can move on. Keep in mind: She didn’t ask for anyone’s opinion!

It’s amazing how people think they can tell you (meaning any of us), in the form of a very strong opinion, how you should go ahead with your life. BUT…. At least it’s more direct than the people who smile to your face and then gossip behind your back about your choices in life. AND…. Its multiple people with various connections who do this. It isn’t just family. It’s friends, co-workers, acquaintances and the “rubberneckers”. The latter, are the ones who seem to conveniently pop up when something buzz worthy occurs. Otherwise, they have better things to do. AND….. It isn’t just tragedy or hard times that spark a judgment from someone. It seems any life change brings out the amateur counselors in droves. It seems the advice flows fast when you dare to ask for it, but if you don’t ask, it becomes judgment and gossip for all the buzzards around town to eat up. Now, I’m guessing that those handing out the unwanted advice, strong opinions and judgment, could use a little themselves and make some changes. No one is so put together that they can run your life. If it wasn’t so infuriating, it would be fucking hilarious.

So…. people who can’t shut it, stop chiming in on matters (where unwelcome) about:

  • Dating: Maybe we should dissect your dating history. Who are you to say who someone should or should not go out with?
  • Marriage: Have you even been married? If so, is your record squeaky clean? Are you flawless?
  • Matchmaking: If you were that good at it, you would have your own agency.
  • Kids: Being a parent is hard enough. Worry about your own or go have some and then worry about them.
  • Job: Last time I checked, you didn’t pay my bills.
  • Housekeeping: If you don’t like it. Don’t come over.
  • Appearance: Believe it or not. The world doesn’t wake up and worry about dressing pretty for you. And reality check: You may not be everyone’s cup of tea either.
  • Any Life Choice: The key to it all is the word MY (meaning again, any of us)…. My Life, My Choice, My Success, My Mistake, My Regret and My Moment…..Good or bad, right or wrong, it belongs to you and no one can take that away. No one should even try.

You’re the driver. Don’t give up the wheel, whether voluntarily or through a carjacking, unless you want to end up in someone else’s vision of who you should be. AND….. Once you do that, you’re screwed. You will end up in some undisclosed location with an empty tank of gas, a bunch of empty fast food wrappers in the back seat, and a speeding ticket from the driver, because you owe them. Afterall, they got you where they thought you needed to be as quickly as possible. You should be grateful.

Maybe we should feel sorry for these folks. Perhaps someone tried to drive their car too many times, so they are lashing out. Regardless, get your damn hands off my wheel. Get your ass out of my seat and step out of the vehicle. Backseat driving is also not welcome. Hitchhike your ass back home and get in your own broken ass mobile. AND…. Put the fucking seat and mirrors back in the original position please. Who the hell do you think you are?

Per Billy Joel: “Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone.”

Lorre-isms by the Handful


Lorre-isms

  • Is the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Who cares. Halfway won’t get you anywhere in either direction. Fill it up or pour it out.
  • Look for your smile now. The longer you wait…it will be harder and harder to find.
  • Most advice is given by people when they have been drinking. If you wouldn’t take a ride home from them……why would you listen to their “wisdom”?
  • Once you look towards others for all the answers….. you have clearly forgotten the questions.
  • If you always need to be the driver, make sure everyone in your life wants to be a passenger. Otherwise….prepare for the worst road trip ever.
  • Don’t be alarmed if your kid says he/she wants to grow up to be a drug dealer. In this day and age, I think it’s slang for doctor.
  • WARNING: Busybodies are at risk for suffocation. Continually wrapping yourself up in other people’s lives will cause irrevocable harm. This may  also cause you to be a pain in the ass and suffer from diarrhea of the mouth.
  • There are modern-day vampires. Some people just suck the life out of you.
  • If someone says you need them to be happy, then that’s your first clue that you don’t.
  • Judging without knowing isn’t just a sign of ignorance, it’s a sign of fear.
  • You can’t run other people’s lives without putting yours on hold…..autopilot at best.
  • Life is not complicated. You are too simple!
  • If you can’t stand the cold. Light a damn fire.
  • You will never be able to stand alone if you always have to be surrounded by others.
  • If you can’t make your own decisions, then you aren’t really a grownup.
  • Stick with the free milk. If you buy the cow, you have to take care of it.

 

Something Wicked This Way Comes.


It’s me and my nasty, sarcastic, tired of your bullshit self. Perhaps I should be writing something typical of  Halloween, but how boring would that be? What? Am I supposed to comment on how many witches or Super Mario’s I will witness this evening? Maybe I could comment on the moms, who are going to dress like super slutty versions of anything (maid, Dracula, catholic school girl), while trick or treating with their kids. How about the dads, who will forget what house their kid ran off to, while watching the super slutty mom. They can’t help it if their own wife dressed as a banana this year. Last year,  I saw a woman who had her boobs up so high in her tight corset; I swear one fell out into a kid’s bag. I guess he got a mouth full. BUT….I digress.  I feel like bitching about braggers (oversellers) today.

I was thinking about when I met (platonic)  my husband around this time seven years ago (We were both divorcing, but people in a small town with small minds like to spread rumors.) . I actually met him seventeen years ago (It was platonic then, but people in small towns with small minds like to spread rumors.), but I was drunk and don’t remember. After weeks of knowing him, he mentioned he was a police officer. He didn’t elaborate and try to impress me with stories of bravado. I could’ve bragged about having my own parking space at the free clinic, but I didn’t. I just told him I knew where it was. He could tell he was going to get some. I didn’t have to put it out there on a billboard. Besides, the last time I did that…..too many customers. Hence….the free parking space.

**I went to school with someone who put their name down for every category in the senior “Voted Most…” list. Talk about an oversell.  Where are they now? They got duped by a better overseller sociopath, who took them for everything and then left. The biggest problem with an overseller, they don’t think anyone can do it better. **My ex was and still is an overseller. His problem: he sold stuff he wasn’t, didn’t do and never could be. False advertising all the way. I don’t know if I fell for the overselling as much as I just got tired of screwing around and needed to get a better tax return. I also had a need to fix people (childhood curse and quite another story). He’s still broken. **When I was in college, I went out with this colossal asshole (although…one of many). As the night wore on, he became more of an ass. Not only did he oversell, but he was a one-upper as well. He’d ask about me and whatever I said, he would do one better. He was confused at the end of the night when I wouldn’t have sex with him. Let’s face it. Who needs a one upping competition in bed? That could be dangerous. His self-promotion did work on my advertising professor though. She helped him get hired at one of the leading ad agencies in the U.S. He shortly got fired. It always comes back to bite you in the ass.

It’s everywhere, people talking themselves up, what they do for a living, what they’ve accomplished or embellished stories of one kind or another. It’s so fucking pathetic. Anyone who is truly worth a mention, doesn’t need to mention such things. And…honestly, people know you’re full of shit when you over talk. We’re on to you. Time to change it up.

So maybe for this Halloween, you could try to dress up as someone new, someone who doesn’t have to blow smoke up everyone’s ass, someone who doesn’t have to wrap themselves up in stories to keep others interested and someone who isn’t quite such a pain in the ass. AND….watch out for the lady with the falling boobs. It’s all fun and games until someone gets an eye poked out.

Said for the better….makes you feel worse


  • “Oh….you don’t have to do that right now.  (Long Pause) You can do it later.” This is mostly a spouse to spouse thing.  I love that they give permission for you to do work at a later time. Screw helping you! They have more important things to do.
  • “You aren’t fat. Your metabolism is just slow”. Hey….thanks for the heads up. I feel so much better now that you reminded me it’s going to be harder to lose the weight.
  • “You look good to me.” So what you’re saying is….I’m an ugly ass bitch and everyone knows it.
  • “You aren’t a bitch. You’re just you.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? So, in other words, my name is a synonym for bitch!
  • “You aren’t a bad parent. You could just do better.” Usually….people don’t tell good parents they need to improve. Have you called social services yet?
  • “It’s not you. It’s me.” and “You’re too good for me.” Seriously…..If it were you, then your ass would have been dumped a long time ago. I love the too good for me line. We all want better. That’s the bullshit they spin when they have “someone better” waiting in the wings.
  • “At least you’ll save money on groceries.” Now this one is exactly what I said to my father when my mom left him. I was nine and thought it was helpful. It wasn’t.
  • “You aren’t what I expected.” So….what did you expect  you judgemental ass? I guess I should be grateful that I exceeded your low expectations.
  • “It could be worse.” Well…not helpful because we both know it could be a hell of a lot better.

I think there are some other things out there that could be said to make even more people feel better.

  • “You aren’t a whore slut. You’re just super friendly.”
  • “You aren’t a drunk. You just like the taste of alcohol.”
  • “You aren’t bad in bed.  I just have a nervous laugh.”
  • “Your cooking is awesome. I just forgot I was on a diet.”
  • “You aren’t stupid. You’re just conserving air.”
  • “You aren’t too big. You’re clothes are too small.”
  • “You aren’t ugly. You just look better in the moonlight.”