Cream, sugar, or bacterial biofilm with your coffee?


PEOPLE:  Please clean your water reservoirs on a regular basis.

NO………That is not a fancy term for lady or man parts.

This morning, while making my usual pot of coffee, I noticed a small particle floating in my water reservoir.

I poured the water into a bowl and was quite disgusted.

Praise the Lord for Lasik, or I would’ve downed that crap.

Is that a baby sting ray growing in my coffee pot?

Does this support evolution, or what??!!??

Coffee Water 017

**Please ignore if you are a smoker.

You probably won’t notice the taste.

AND… you’ll just think you dropped your own ashes.

Dating Dads: DON’TS for Complete Morons


In case there is any confusion: I am not a licensed therapist. For that matter,  I’m not even an unlicensed therapist. I am not a bartender, a psychology major, or an expert on ANY topic. Everything you read (if you can), is based on personal experience. NO……I am not a transsexual. BUT…….I have a dad, my kids have a dad and I’ve dated someone’s dad. SO THERE!

  • DON’T: Introduce your new girlfriend to the kids, when mommy doesn’t even know the marriage isn’t working out.
  • DON’T: Tell your kids (while crying over the phone) you can’t spend Christmas with them because you are overseas.  AND then……Spend 2 weeks over the holidays with your new girlfriend in the states, while taking a detour less than an hour from where your kids live.
  • DON’T: Marry someone so they can get custody of their kids. Did it occur to you, she lost them for a reason? BUT……What a grand idea to make that “lady” your kid’s new mommy.
  • DONT: Get married to someone in secret and let your kids find out (over a year later) because they overheard you talking about it. If you are ashamed……Well? Can we say “red flag”?
  • DON’T: Use shameless methods to get your wife back, LIKE……Getting your kids excited about the brother or sister they are going to have when you and your estranged wife adopt. By the way, she never heard that idea.
  • DON’T: In the span of 3 weeks…….meet someone in person one time
    • decide you love them
    • buy a ring
    • tell your kids she is moving in
    • tell them you are getting married
    • plan a family vacation
    • tell the ex-wife all of this and tell her how awesome this person is
    • …….THEN…….One day later……find out she went to a casino with some guy via Facebook
    • decide you hate her
    • tell your kids what a tramp she is
    • send the ring back
    • cancel the family vacation
    • tell your kids it just didn’t work out
    • ……AND then…… Reassure your ex-wife that: this woman will not be in the children’s life, you are currently talking to 3 other women, your divorce from your estranged wife should be final in a few weeks……..SO…..….Everything is fine.
  • DON’T: Tell your kids you can’t take them out to dinner because their mom takes all your money.
  • DON’T: Send your kids to visit their mom for the summer and refuse to get them plane tickets back. WHY? Your girlfriend doesn’t like them and she already gave her daughter, your daughter’s room.
  • DON’T: Blame your kids for your break-up.

SO……For those morons out there, who do not need to be anyone’s dad: Keep it in your pants or wrap it up.

Don’t worry. If the times it takes you to find your tiny guy doesn’t give you ample time to change your mind…….THEN……I’m sure someone sells little condoms.

AND…..IF you are too moronic to remember or too busy listening to the little dude in your pants…..Just know……

Father’s Day may not be your holiday!

 

Mother’s say what?


As Mother’s Day approaches, I thought we’d break from the usual nonsense and read some words of potential wisdom.

Viewpoints on motherhood and caring for the home:

  • Motherhood is the biggest on-the-job training program in existence today. (Erma Bombeck)
  • God could not be everywhere, so he made mothers (Jewish Proverb)
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. (Phyllis Diller)
  • We’re all in this together — by ourselves. (Lily Tomlin)
  • Naming your baby after the beer you were stank ass drunk on when you conceived, well, it’s just a bad idea. Unless it’s Miller. That’s kind of nice.  (Lorre – Articles of Absurdity)

Advice given by their mothers:

  • If you always do what interests you, at least one person will be pleased. (Mother’s Advice to Katherine Hepburn)
  • My mother said to me, “If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general; if you become a monk, you’ll end up the pope.” Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. (Pablo Picasso)
  • Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches. (Alice Roosevelt Longworth)
  • It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
  • Time wounds all heels. (Jane Ace)

Thanks Google Images.

Friday Frenzy


Courtesy of Merriam-Webster

1fren·zy

noun \ˈfren-zē\

pluralfrenzies

Definition of FRENZY

1

a: a temporary madness b: a violent mental or emotional agitation

2

: intense usually wild and often disorderly compulsive or agitated activity <a shopping frenzy>

So…..Now it’s time for me to bitch, moan, groan….NO…..it’s not going to be that type of posting. Imaginary smack to face. Snap out of it! Sometimes a person just needs to vent, and we all know how I hold back so often on this blog. You wouldn’t want me to explode would you. Again….smack to face.

  1. Someone owes Cowboy  a bit of money. For months, they have spun so many stories about what happened to the money and why they can’t pay, they make the game of “telephone” seem predictable. Come to find out, this isn’t the first time this person has pulled this crap. Truly despicable. I hope they have sunblock for their afterlife. If not, I’m sure Hell has a gift shop. I had to block them off Facebook. I was tired of throwing up in my mouth after reading about them trading in their vehicle for a new one, buying a paddle boat and putting in a fish pond. AND…..They are so excited to get more renters this year, BUT….They can’t seem to make good on a debt. Perhaps I can drive the car, ride in the boat and fish in the pond that my Cowboy helped pay for. And renters: Make that first month’s rent check out to Cowboy please.
  2. My daughter made a meal for dinner the other night. Notice the extra spoon??!!?? God love her. She made the spoon her secret ingredient.April 26 2012 013
  3. WordPress is officially my pimp now. I found out people were seeing ads on my site. I guess I was too cheap to pay for the “no ad” add on. So….I sunk to a new low and allowed WordAds on my page. Doesn’t it make it look so pretty? Kind of like a blind person accessorizing your outfit. I’d apologize to the blind folk out there, but I guess you wouldn’t be reading my blog anyway…..AND…..If you are listening to this, then you must really like me and know how inappropriate I am…….SO…..It’s all good. I’m hoping to rub two nickels together by the end of this year.
  4. Thing 1, Thing 2 and Thing 3 are playing soccer this spring. NOW……I don’t have future Olympic soccer players on my hands, (I don’t think so), but they do a great job on the field and I’m very proud. What rubs me the wrong way a bit (while making me laugh), is the “travel team” rage that is upon us. It seems that a community’s Parks and Recreation program (any sport) just isn’t enough for kids (really the parents) these days. Parents are paying (up to) thousands a year to truck their child here and there and get special, more advanced training/coaching in their chosen sport. BUT…..These same kids, are also on the community’s team. I pay $75 per child for the Things to compete against other children, not Bionic Kids. Let’s put a deer in a 10×10 room and go hunting. Really? Where is the fun and true competition here? If my kids lose a game against “enhanced” kids, I will tell them to blame my bank account and inability to be a hundred places at once for 4 kids. If they win against “enhanced” kids, they can believe in raw, natural talent.

So……Now it’s time to explore the lessons learned.

  1. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I heard that line on a soap opera the other day, but how true it is. In retrospect, this person showed glimpses at how petty and cruel they were. They were also, a little too anxious to be in our lives, and that should have been a red flag for me to. Seems we were just targets all along. I have learned that I don’t judge character as well as I thought and to never trust anyone with my money.
  2. Do not let her use the microwave to cook when metal utensils are included in the recipe.
  3. If someone is going to use you, then you might as well try to get something out of it as well.
  4. I’ve learned that if we really want our children to succeed in the future, then we need to create programs that truly matter.
  • Traveling Sex Team: Being great in bed can score you a financially secure partner, a pack of cigarettes (street folk) or that promotion.
  • Traveling Evade the Law Team: It goes without saying. “Run Johnny, run!”
  • Traveling Verbal Assault Team: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Most of us know that is a crock of crap. Words hurt….a lot! We might as well teach our children a skill like that to run over people in life and bully their way into success.
  • Traveling Cheater’s Team: Learn how not to get caught. Have your cake and eat it too.
  • Traveling Plastic Surgery Team: Let’s face it, good guys finish last and so does ugly.
  • Traveling Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass Team: This is only for children who want to be politicians.
  • Traveling Addiction Team: There are a lot of people out there who are attracted to the “bad” boy and “messed up” girl. People love to fix people. This special training will trump looks and intelligence any day of the week. Sign up now. Spaces are filling up fast.

Vikings: Raiding while philosophizing?


Many moons ago,  my Icelandic friend game me a book of sayings. The book, The Sayings of the Vikings, consists of short poems (proverbs/wisdom) translated into English. Let’s see if there is anything we can sink our teeth into as we approach another holiday destined to bring family and friends together to eat and argue.

 

Advice to a visitor:

When passing

a door-post,

watch as you walk on,

inspect as you enter.

It is uncertain

where enemies lurk

or crouch in a dark corner.

Sounds like a good warning against an elder, who spends a lot of time in the hospital. You never know when they might pee in a cup and throw it on you as you pass. I have to say: I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable going to a home where I would have to be so cautious. Let me guess, the invite reads “Bring a covered dish and weapon of choice.”

 

Attending a feast:

No man should call

himself clever

but manage his mind.

A sage visitor

is a silent guest.

The cautious evades evil.

Never a friend

more faithful,

nor great wealth, than wisdom.

Again, these Vikings must have had some interesting gatherings. Pass the dinosaur sized turkey leg and then await your beat down. Though, I am quite partial to guests that let me do all the talking.

 

Drinking:

Ale

has too often

been praised by poets.

the longer you drink

the less sense

your mind makes of things.

Of course poets praise alcohol, it makes their work appear more brilliant. I hope the Vikings aren’t discouraging drinking here, because we all know, the best moments are from dumb asses who drink too much. I really can’t see cutting this out of the agenda. It’s a must have for free entertainment. Make sure it’s BYOB to keep it free.

 

Self-Discipline:

The glutton does not guard himself

eats till he’s ill.

Wiser men

only mock

a fool’s fat belly.

Yeah, it’s pretty gross watching a guest eat until they vomit all over the dinner plates. It seems the Vikings are all for calling people out on their fatness though. Seems a little cruel, but…if the Vikings said it…………..

 

The Nature of Hospitality:

I would be invited

everywhere

if I needn’t eat at all.

Or if I left two hams

at the house of a friend

where I’ve eaten only one.

This sounds about right. I  prefer inviting those who bring things to eat, but don’t eat themselves. It’s a great way to save on groceries.

For the saps………….


I have the book 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC, which I was tempted to give to Goodwill (because everyone needs loving), but it’s great material. The author, Gregory J.P. Godek labels himself, America’s Romance Coach. I’ve never heard of him so I’m not sure how long he’s been coaching us, here in America. Do we have an American Olympic Romance Team? The book was published in 1995, but I don’t remember being on his team. Perhaps that’s why my first incarceration, I mean marriage, failed. If only I had Coach Godek on my side, perhaps my ex-cellmate wouldn’t have parked his car in so many garages and brought home unknown oil stains and grease. Perhaps if I had followed the suggestions, all 1001 of them, offered in “the book”, then things would’ve been different. NOW……Let’s get serious. No amount of romance is going to unwedge private parts or stir up feelings someone never had before. Romance is just the topping on the cake people. And yes, it can mean that kind of cake if you like…….disgusting gutter minded pigs!

It’s great, because the beginning of the book talks about the 2 kinds of romance being obligatory and optional. Wow! Give me some of that obligatory romance because it sounds awesome. Today is a day for that type of romance. Nothing says love more than someone telling you: “you have to”. I’m pretty sure I saw that in an episode of Criminal Minds.

In case anyone needs guidance, let’s explore some of Coach’s ideas and thoughts:

  • “Tune-in” to romantic opportunities: He says they are everywhere. We should look on the t.v., radio, in newspapers and magazines. We should even look in shop windows. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting porn out of that.
  • Overdo something: He suggests that if your “love” loves something, you should go overboard (ex: loves m&m’s…..buy 50 lbs). My hubby says he loves having alone time. I think I should go out for ice cream and never come back.
  • Give your partner choices. He suggests: fast or slow, now or later, large or small, modern or antique, public or private. Wow. What a pervy guy. So….I’m interpreting erect or not-erect, with me or not with me and young twenty year-old or nursing home candidate. HMMMMM?
  • He says romance is a balance between: actions speaking louder than words and it’s the thought that counts. WTF! Is Confucius here with some fucked up fortune cookie?
  • His thoughts on flowers: give one for every day you’ll be away if traveling, get to know your florist, put one in her purse or his briefcase, put one under the windshield wiper……Well, after you get to know your florist, I’ll assume you are traveling with her and when you get home, I’ll stick a thorny rose up your ass. That will be memorable.
  • His specific Valentine’s Day ideas: take this day off from work, send 20 cards to your love, greet him at the door wearing only a red ribbon, buy children’s valentines and fill the sink with them or tape them all over her car. Okay, so I’m love-sick? I’m sure the boss will understand. Can we say stalker? Why the woman and the ribbon? Men clearly have the hanger for proper bow placement. With the money it would cost for that many kid’s valentine’s, I’d rather buy a bunch of tequila, a few bags of sand,  put on a horribly fitting bikini and play drunken “spring break” sex with my hubby. You better not put that shit all over my car. I’m not spending a day cursing you while I attempt to get the tape off.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Let’s pretend it’s not just an ordinary day.


BUT…..Let’s face it. It is. I can put a dress on a duck and it’s still a duck. It may be a really fucked up looking duck and you will wonder why the hell it has a dress on, but nonetheless, it’s still a duck. SO……Today is Tuesday on my calendar, but to others it is the magical and sometimes despised holiday known as Valentine’s Day. Yeah…..

  • For a secret love, today might be a great day to express it. Expressing your deep love and admiration every day could appear romantic, but more than likely, it will appear creepy and questionable. Of course, there may be a really good reason to keep it a secret: they’re married, you’re a sociopath, you’re related to them or you look like Quasimodo. Now, I’m not judging. There’s nothing wrong with a correctly placed hump.
  • For a new love of a year or less and definitely before marriage, this holiday is a chance to still seem worth keeping. The typical card with chocolate, flowers and perhaps a dinner date shows that you can follow a simple game plan. That means, you are trainable and therefore, a possible keeper. BUT…….If you are doing dinner without a reservation on this day, then be ready to wait for hours, giving your intended love plenty of time to realize they weren’t that important and that’s the shit they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
  • For a love that is going on several years or into marriage, well you’re lucky. You don’t have to do a damn thing more than you’ve done all along, even if that’s nothing. Your mate has either accepted the love you do give and they’re okay with it or they have settled for less than and don’t seem to mind that either. Sometimes you get tired and you just need a place to sit and rest your legs. The heart is no different. NOW……That doesn’t mean they won’t bitch about your lack of effort to their friends, because they will. They’ll admit they told you not to do anything, but later will be pissed as hell when you don’t. AND……if you do something, it will be magical and wonderful, until you fuck something up (forget to take out the trash) or morning comes, whichever is first.

TODAY AT MY HOUSE:

Baby: He doesn’t know what’s going on.

Son: He prayed he would get the stomach virus that’s going around and not have to go to school today. His prayer was answered with a big “Okay”. Why the prayer? He’s eleven and sent a candygram to a girl. It finally hit him that his friends will not let this one rest. He’s hoping tomorrow will be better. I hate to tell him……it won’t.

Daughter: She got all dressed up in various shades of red and pink. She did her nails and asked if she could wear pink eyeshadow to school. She’s nine. That was a big fat “NO!” to her request. She was a little too excited about school today. Who is this boy?

Hubby and Myself: He asked about our Valentine’s plans. I said we don’t have any. I told him I didn’t get him anything, so he doesn’t need to worry about it. He smiled and said he will do something. I acted like I didn’t care, but as I said earlier……………………….

Personally, We don’t like to go all out on this day. We don’t even want to “let the waist out” just a little. See….If we go all out, we will be too exhausted. We’ll  have to rest and save our energy for the other 364 days. BUT…….If we strike a nice balance between good days and bad days, then it’s all good. Besides, our legs are tired. We found a nice place to sit and rest. We aren’t going anywhere.

Whoring around in the blogosphere……(inspired by: 911 post)


This was inspired by the commenters on my earlier blog post (911….). You can totally blame each one of them for the length of this post. Sorry, Margie. I hope you can hang.

Of course you are and so am I silly. If you have several followers and several blogs that you follow, then let’s face it, you get around. Blogs are like people and intimate relationships. You set up your blog with a fancy little theme and try to change it around a bit so you stand out from others. That’s not unlike the way we decide to dress, although some of us stand out for the wrong reasons. The way we present our blog sends a message. Is it the right one? When we get in a mood in life, we might change our hairstyle or get some plastic surgery. In the blog world, we might upgrade our theme, change a font or add some graphics to our page. Just remember, if you are going to entice others to come and take a peek, you better be ready to put out the goods.

There are many types of relationships out there for blogs:

  • LONG-TERM:  You really like it and read it all the time.
  • REBOUND: Your favorite blogger went on hiatus and you need to find a replacement to fill the void.
  • ONE-NIGHT STAND:  You read a blog once and then “forget about it”.
  • BLIND DATE: Someone recommended them through a link.
  • CASUAL: You pop in and out when you see fit.
  • OPEN: You are a heavy commenter on several blogs, but the bloggers know you have more than one favorite.
  • BOOTIE CALL: You know where to go just to get that fix you need.

Okay……So you’ve hooked them. You’ve captured your prey, but now it’s up to you to keep them interested. That’s where the posts come in. There are so many directions you can go in, but the idea is to hold the reader’s interest and keep them coming back for more. Don’t forget your categories and tags are like personal ads. People seek out certain things and you need to be on their radar.

The different types of postings one blog could offer:

  • LONG: This can work for and against you. A lot of times, a reader sees the length before they decide to dive in. A bit of foreplay, in the way of a great opening will encourage them to give it a go. BUT…..You better have some mad skills to hold their attention. AND….By all means, don’t disappoint at the end with a fizzle. The reader needs to be satisfied or they may never travel that road again. Long posts can be hard to swallow. Long posts with no momentum can cause boredom, soreness and pain. The reader will assume you keep going on and on because you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. Don’t let that happen.
  • SHORT: The polar opposite of the lengthy one. Too short and you could leave your reader disappointed or confused. “What just happened here?” If it stops short, you run the risk of being a tease.If you can manage a dynamic post in brevity, then all is forgiven, including lack of foreplay.
  • JUMPY: You have to show caution with a post that goes from topic to topic. There are those of us who enjoy a bumpy ride, but being sloppy and thoughtless in your presentation make the person want to jump out of the car.

So you found a blog you’re interested in and you decided to go on a reading date. If the blog is lucky, you may decide to go out on another and that could really lead to something.

The ways readers show they might want something more:

  • HIT: It’s like drunken sex with a stranger. You don’t know who it was, but somebody “hit that”.
  • LIKE BUTTON: “Hey. Looking good. I like what I see.”
  • COMMENT: This let’s them know exactly how you feel.
  • SHARE/LINK: “Damn good. Let’s get others involved.” (OR) “I have to brag about this.”
  • FOLLOW: “It’s some of the best I’ve had. I’m coming back for more.” (OR) “I’m forming a blog harem.”

There are some things to beware of in the blogosphere:

  • USE PROTECTION: Don’t give out a lot of personal information so that some crazy can hunt you down and make you his bitch. ALSO….If needed, moderate comments on your page to avoid any “cat fights”.
  • AVOID SPAM: These are the STD’s of the internet. Spam gets in there, usually by disguise and tries to infect you and everyone else that gets in its way.
  • PUTTING OUT ALL THE TIME: This is a recipe for disaster. Even Superman needed to rest. Don’t worry about “hitting” so many blogs and “putting out” on yours non-stop. This leads to exhaustion, which leads to ugliness and then no one will want to “hit that” anymore.

Above all, remember that blogging is fun and an outlet. If you’re lucky, it might lead somewhere amazing. BUT…..Don’t think you aren’t loved if it takes awhile for someone to call on you. It’s not like “real” relationships. Calm down. It’s hard being a “blog player”. Sometimes, to give one blogger attention, you may have to neglect another. BUT…..Unlike ignoring your wife to sleep with your mistress, it’s not cheating. AND…..Don’t get me started about Freshly Pressed. I attribute it to the game “7 Minutes in Heaven”, where you are randomly selected. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Just saying Rob.

911: Blogger Drowning And In Need Of Assistance


I’m calling the hotline and I need some counseling. I don’t care if you leave a comment here or send an email….just help please.

Problem:  Prior to starting this blog several months ago (October 2011), I hadn’t written in about ten years. Life just got in the way, or I let it. Now that I’m writing again, I feel great, but it’s becoming hard to get posts out as often as I’d like and with the quality that I’d like. AND….Besides putting posts up, I haven’t worked on any other writing projects, which makes me kind of sad. SO……I’m doing my mom and wife thing, plus working out now. The time I have per day to work on me stuff is limited. When I have time, I’d like to write, but I’m getting “blogged” down with being a good blog friend and reading all the blog posts of those I follow, liking and commenting. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading other people’s posts, but I’m starting to rack up 100+ emails per day. I’m drowning trying to do it all. Let’s be honest. I’m drowning trying to do some of it. Any suggestions? How do you bloggers out there manage writing, reading, commenting and going beyond your own blog to work on other writing projects. I can’t be the only one out in the blogosphere with this issue.

No title….just baggage


Creeping into my soul

Limited to my control

Scared to set it free

Thinking…Let it be

Last chance is given

I don’t want to be forgiven

For regretting an action

Checkmate…no satisfaction