I’m going to let someone else entertain you today. I’d like to breakdown your brain cells by exposing you to my inappropriate friend Stirling and his equally damaged partner in comedy.
Wild Mullet Kingdom: Episode 1 “The Capture” (Uncensored)
By: Disassociated Press-on-Nails
NO WHERE IMPORTANT — One of the Big Tobacco companies is set to release it’s new line of cigarettes, Marlbooro, just in time for Halloween. The name was a stroke of genius, implying the obvious. These cigarettes are scary as shit. “With the need to be the leader in this market, it was time to roll out a new line,” said head cancer stick designer, Mr. Black Lung. He went on to explain the creative thinking behind the new line. “It was time for us to make a statement to America and the rest of the world. We care about the economy! We care about the people. We care about healthcare!”
Apparently, this company wants to make an impact. We talked in length with the CIO (Chief Idiot Officer) to find out how they were going to do this.
Per the CIO, “There is no greater pleasure than introducing this product. We feel like pioneers. You know, like the ones that ended up killing a bunch of folks.”
Shocking as it may seem………I am not a fan of cop killing, gay bashing or racist songs. To be blunt, they seem pretty fucking unnecessary to me. OH……….Did I fail to mention how ignorant they are? I suppose there are people, who think these songs are super cool and badass, but there are also people who eat their boogers, even into adulthood. Just sayin’!
Perhaps I would have more respect for these artists……….SORRY…….…I had to throw up in my mouth a little…….…if the lyrics were more honest.I mean, why do you really want to kill cops? Let’s be honest. It’s because you want to do various horrible, immoral and illegal things. Some of these things may include: rape, murder, beatings, robbery, drug dealing…….and so on and so forth. You want to do these things and be left alone. Sorry! I guess life isn’t fair. Didn’t your momma teach you that? Perhaps you should sing songs about the lawmakers as well. After all, they may have something to do with the laws the police are supposed to enforce. And how about the President of the United States? I suppose he endorses your behavior? Why not write song lyrics about your grandma? Unless you think she approves of your behavior. Oh……and for those who feel they are justified because of some kind of police brutality…….I have never heard a song naming Officer John Doe. The “brotherhood” does not mean every officer is accountable for another officer’s actions. If my sibling screws someone over…….WELL……It ain’t my fault. Seriously! So stop calling me!
AND……..How about you homophobes? Is it really necessary to announce to the world how you feel about sexual orientations other than those that are heterosexual. Screams out insecurity to me. What are you afraid of? Rejection??!!??
AND LASTLY……..Does the world need to know you are an ignorant racist? I’m referring to all the shades of racism.
Since these songs seem to be so popular among a limited “so smart they seem stupid” audience, I think we should expand. I think we should have songs about hating the dentist. Let’s face it……..going to the dentist sucks. How about slurs against the Disney Channel for running shows that make our children think parents don’t really exist? I’m currently writing a song about killing stirrup pants. Lord knows, we don’t need to bring those back. Here are some other ideas we can rage about:
Let me know if anyone can come up with some really incredible song lyrics!
SO……..I stumbled upon the oddest thing. I found (in my twisted mind) a transcript of a phone call between Michael Jackson and some chick. That in itself is odd…..I know! BUT……It’s crazy, because the phone call uses every song title from his albums:
OFF THE WALL (1979)
……..and the ULTIMATE COLLECTION (04)
Michael: Little Susie, or whatever your name is. You are a P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing). We’ve known each other since my Childhood, which means, we met yesterday and I know my genitals say we should Just Good Friends, but I want you to be The Lady In My Life, at least for enough time to get busy.
Girl: Say, Say, Say what you want, but not This Time Around. I don’t know if I can trust you. I Can’t Help It, my last boyfriend was a Cheater, and it’s Human Nature to want to take things slow.
Michael: Come on. Baby Be Mine! I need to prove to the world that you aren’t just some Stranger In Moscow that I made up. People think I’m In The Closet and there’s Another Part Of Me I’m trying to hide from the world. I’m trying to Heal The World one child at a time. There’s no Monkey Business going on, except for that one I have at home.
Girl: I ain’t no Tabloid Junkie, but I’m a Superfly Sister and I don’t need to be caught up in no Carousel. So, maybe you aren’t with The Man child they pictured you with, but what about B.J?
Michael: I like those.
Girl: No! The girl.
Michael: Billie Jean is not my Girlfriend. Hell, she isn’t even my lover. She’s just a Street Walker that I felt Bad for. She was Working Day And Night for hardly any Money. I swear we never had sex. I just Beat It a few times in front of her when she talked about The Lost Children. That’s HIStory.
Girl: Okay. What about D.S.? You know…the dirty slut? I’m not going to Rock With You if you Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ with her. I’m freaking Speechless. She goes commando and plugless when she’s on her period and gets Blood On The Dance Floor. She is straight up nasty.
Michael: You mean Dirty Diana? She’s Out of My Life. We spent a few days to Come Together. We experimented with 2000 Watts, played a few rounds of Someone Put Your Hand Out and invited a few friends over to Jam in with me. It was intense. the experience made me Cry, gave me Butterflies, and required more Privacy than anyone should be allowed. I felt Threatened. I saw Ghosts. I became Scared Of The Moon. I took Morphine and something called Speed Demon until the Break Of Dawn. I thought I could Fly Away, but then, I thought, Heaven Can Wait. I mean….if I even go there. The stench was so bad when we were done, The owner said: “We have to Burn This Disco Out”.
Girl: You Can’t Let Her Get Away or you will let her Ease On Down The Road? Pick one!
Michael: You have to understand. She Drives Me Wild, but You Rock My World. You are fooled by the Man In The Mirror I’m pretending to be. I Just Can’t Stop Loving You for being so stupid. You Are My Life. Don’t Walk Away. I’m begging you. It’s The Way You Make Me Feel. Is this too soon? Is It Scary?
Girl: The Girl Is Mine, she’s not mine! Whatever! I’m getting whiplash here. Remember The Time I called you and you said you were home with Bubbles laying in the chamber together? Well, a Sunset Driver told me he saw you out with that Liberian Girl?
Michael: Bull crappy! It was a boy with long hair!
Girl: That’s even worse! He saw you Get On the Floor and get a Thriller. And he heard you yell: “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”! Then he jumped back over the security wall at Neverland Ranch.
Michael: Wait! Were you following me? I thought I saw Someone In The Dark. Girl, that shit is Dangerous. I don’t care if you’re Black Or White. That place is Off The Wall. You can Scream and SHOUT and no one’s gonna do a damn thing. Get It?
Smooth Criminal everywhere you look? Besides, I’ve never done anything inappropriate with anyone, who wasn’t legally unable to consent, intimidated, or influenced by my fame and “assumed”, but ever-diminishing wealth. Why You Wanna Trip On Me?
Girl: Oh my God. Your ability to live in an alternate universe is Unbreakable. It’s The Falling In Love with the wrong things that freaks me out. I mean really, the Elephant Man’s skeleton? And no one ever believed the relationships with Brooke and Lisa Marie. Please just Leave Me Alone.
Michael: I’m Invincible and you are no Heartbreaker, but the good news…..You Are Not Alone. I will let this phone call slide and give you Once More Chance. You should just Give In To Me. The Way You Love Me doesn’t matter because I’m the King of Pop and Whatever Happens, You Can’t Win. The truth is, the world’s people, They Don’t Care About Us celebrities. They just care how we fuck up and if we are Gone Too Soon. So, let’s say you put a Smile on your face. Marry me. Give me what I want. I will write some crappy Earth Song, make millions and then we can split once We’ve had Enough.
Girl: Well…..when you put it that way. So……Will You Be There?
Michael: Hell no! I won’t even let my sperm be there. I found a donor for us.
Girl: Who is it? They aren’t 2 Bad, right?.
Michael: Keep The Faith. This isn’t Bubbles first rodeo.
***Telephone transcript between Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe.***
I find it fascinating and disturbing, the search terms that people have used to find my blog. Sadly, it seems hardly anyone actually uses the name of my blog.
Instead they use such terms as:
SO…….I suppose I share some responsibility here. Sorry for my misleading posts, which thwarted your search for truth, ultimate stupid answers and sick videos. I imagine these are a few of the culprits.
Mother’s Day is right around the corner and for some, that might bring dread. It could be your mom, mother-in-law or even a grandmother you recognize or force yourself to visit on this day. For those who think their “maternal” person is annoying, smothering, lacking maternal instinct, downright embarrassing, the direct spawn of Satan and so much more…….WELL……Let’s see if we can turn that around for you. Maybe she’s not as bad as you thought.
The following mothers (meant both ways), might get the prize for Most Annoying, Most Smothering, Most Heartless, Most Embarrassing, Most Likely the spawn of Satan and so much more.
Mary Kay Letourneau
Place pic here if your
“maternal” one makes
SO……There’s something new going around the blogosphere, which I’m sure many of you are already aware of. It’s a new game of sorts called “Tag, you’re it.” It seems innocent enough, but for kicks, I looked in the Urban Dictionary for definitions of TAG. Big mistake!
Okay……So let me get this straight. If I’m in with the streetwise slang slinger’s who came up with this shit and had this story to tell:
Boris was truly a unique guy. He loved grapes and ribs while masturbating. Sometimes it was lonely. People saw him only as a communist whose sole purpose in life was to find cheaper and better vodka. No one saw him as a real man.
Boris wanted to prove everyone wrong by doing something manly. He could punch someone, or better yet, shoot someone with a gun. Then he remembered he didn’t own a firearm. So he thought he could find a girl to have sex with. If not, perhaps a girl whose vagina he could shoot with a Nerf gun and leave a mark .
Boris set out to find this special someone. He approached a young woman and asked if he could insert his thumb up her ass or butt. She gave him a quick, sharp blow to the scrotum and told him to back off or she’d cut him and fuck him up.
“That’s not cool”, said Boris.
The girl replied, “What are you, some mentally retarded human being who tries to rape others?”
It would be rewritten by the new voice of America per Urban Dictionary as:
Boris was a tag, who tagged. Sometimes it was lonely. People saw him as a tag. No one saw him as a real man.
Boris wanted to prove everyone wrong by doing something manly. He could tag someone, or better yet, tag someone. Then he remembered he didn’t own a firearm. So he thought he could find a girl to tag. If not, perhaps a girl to tag.
Boris set out to find this special someone. he approached a young woman and asked if he could tag her or tag. She have him a tag and told him to back off or she’d tag him.
“Tag”, said Boris.
The girl replied, “What are you, tag?”
Okay folks, that’s a look at what idiots pass off as street slang. I’m all for saying things in a more concise way, but What the TAG?!!?