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Can I touch it? Can I touch it?

16 Sep

Before the kids were home for the summer, I was going to the YMCA quite regularly……kickboxing, running, weights and some cycling. Summer hit and that went south quick. BUT………..To my delight, I still lost weight. I guess my move to watered down beer finally made a difference on my waistline. On a whim………I tried on a pair of jeans, I haven’t been able to wear for over four years. Low and behold, they fit! WELL………They fit as far as I’m concerned. I pulled those suckers up over my lower thighs and knew. I got them over the remaining thighs and the backend. SO………Here’s where I tweaked the fit a bit. Could I zip and button them? Well………I suppose. BUT………In order to breathe…..….I couldn’t. I zipped those suckers up, then used a rubber band to loop around the button, through the hole and back around the button. I rigged those bitches and it worked. AND………Thanks to the return of the 80’s, I layered myself with two different tank tops and a mid-drift shirt that fell in just the right spot. Something had to hide the hideous muffin top those jeans created. Did I care? HELL NO! I got into those damn jeans and without a camel toe. I call that……….”A great success”. Maybe in a month or so, ……..I’ll be able to use the actual button……..no rubber band required.

SO………….My unsightly muffin top got me to thinking. Why did I feel the need to hide it?

Well………Because:

1. No one wants to see that shit.

2. I don’t want anyone to see that shit.

3. Muffin top models haven’t been approved on runways yet.

BUT……….If my muffin top was replaced with a nice flat stomach or some six pack abs, then I would gladly flaunt them. In fact, people would ask to see them and touch them.

I suppose society isn’t ready to take a hold of some love handles or ask to bounce on someone’s chunky belly or fat ass. BUT……..They don’t feel shy saying they could bounce a quarter off a nice tight one. People like to touch augmented breasts as well, but no one wants to touch the “drooping to the ground” breasts that swing from left to right like a pendulum. Why not? It sounds like more fun. AND………Why touch a pregnant woman’s belly? Is it because there is something growing in there? Why not ask to feel up inside a nose or ear? You’d be surprised at the crap some people have growing in there. Why lick shots off a belly when you could lick snot off a lip? Why hang on someone’s biceps when you could fly with someone’s bat wings?

Just saying people. Just saying.

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I can’t do it all, but somehow, I don’t think that was a secret.

9 Jul

SO…….I had great plans when I started this blog. Let me go over some of them.

  • Workout/Lose Weight: I have stepped up my game and lost some weight, but that isn’t hard when stepping it up means getting your ass off the couch a few more times than usual. I’m still staying up way too late, which has kicked my metabolism in the ass.
  • Cut Down on Drinking: This means alcohol of course. I was never an alcoholic, but I sure loved to drink my heavy calorie and sugary blends. Doing better! I am on to beer water as most of you know. BUT…….The drinking socially thing is still an issue. I have cut the sugar drinks out, lowered the alcohol content and the calories……BUT…..The frequency of events to attend: parties, friendly dinners, bullshit celebrations (made up ones) and “the kids drive me crazy” reflection nights have not helped matters. With the social drinking, comes social eating, social ass seating and social staying up late. AND……..As stated before, none of these are good.
  • Write: I started a blog, two, then three……as an outlet. I needed to get back on the horse (so to speak), although I can ride one. The blog was to get my feet wet again, so I could work on writing projects I started pre-kids. This has not happened due to the overwhelming time (when I have it) it seems to take: writing, commenting, reading other blogs….blah, blah, blah……..
  • Work with/therapy for my son and remember I have 3 others: Well, if I am spending my time doing the above…..I’m not working as much as I should with my son or spending enough quality time with my kids.

SO……In conclusion:

I know I’m my own person with dreams…..blah, blah, blah……but I am a mom/wife first. This is my choice and what I signed up for. I’m not saying I live my life for others, but I’m not going to half-ass it and end up having my kids write shit about me one day, or my husband.  At least, not if I can help it. When they are gone (not the husband), then I get 100% of the time for myself. For now, the time needs to be split, with them getting the lion’s share. Maybe I would have turned out better if someone used that plan with me!

AND……Let’s face it. No one benefits from a mom/wife who weighs so much, she can’t get off the computer chair without huffing and puffing or one that falls off the chair from party exhaustion or over-consumption of beer water…….SO…….Keeping in shape is a top priority.

Writing/Blogging is for me and it will have to wait for a convenient time. This may mean a few times a week, or a few times a month. Who knows? I sure don’t.

STANDBY FOR FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS!

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It’s all fun and games until someone gains weight. *Part One*

15 May

OR……As the case may be, it’s all food and drinks.

It’s been a while, but here is my weight loss update.

I’m in an abusive relationship……with myself. Listen. I know it’s wrong and I should stop, but it’s so love-hate, I don’t know what to do. I am emotionally, mentally, physically and possibly (although I cannot confirm or deny) sexually abusive to myself. AND……Why? It’s all in the name of weight loss. NOW……This type of motivational abuse isn’t for everyone. In fact, it can be quite damaging. SO……Don’t try this at home, unless you are by yourself. The repercussions can be quite messy if you aren’t accustomed. AND…….Under no circumstances is anyone else allowed to be abusive to you for any reason. GOT IT!??!

How it began.

At first I was nice to myself. I told myself (inside voice…literally) I was attractive and looked pretty good in my jeans. My teeth were crap, but I wasn’t going to bash myself for that. I was paying the orthodontist good money to fix that debacle. My hair was a hot mess 70% of the time, but what guy gives a crap about your hair anyway. SO……I guess I mean everything from the neck down. That’s what bags are for anyway. Right asshole guys? I ate whatever I wanted and didn’t worry about exercising. Who has time for that crap?!!?

After having two kids in my thirties, I was still able to fit into a size six. Things were still the same. NOW…….I’m not going to lie. My daughter took the bulk of my breasts and is probably saving for her puberty. After giving birth to her, I was left with what can only be called “National Geographic breasts”, and I think you all know what I mean. I’ve seen quite a few tribal women hanging loose in that mag. I had no interest in this. SO…….Thanks to a wonderful doctor, who got paid to manipulate my upper region without a worry of having to buy me dinner, my girls went back to an upright position.

Things were going well, until I married the man I love and got comfortable. Damn comfort zone! He works nights, so I got into the habit of staying up into the wee hours and eating junk late at night. I was always too tired to exercise the next day. AND……People actually liked this husband, so I was drinking more socially. I noticed the weight creeping up on me when I had to wear tummy tightening gear to fit into my jeans, but I was too busy eating, drinking and being tired to do much about it. Then at 40, I had another baby. Heads up people….not a good way to get your metabolism into high gear. That’s how you go from a 6 to a 14 in 4 years.

This is when the abuse began………………….TO BE CONTINUED

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Making an appearance…………..

21 Dec

I feel like I’ve neglected my blogging duties lately. I’m blaming the location of my computer on the slacking.

On the upside:  I have a great desk, which I love. It’s a dinosaur that I bought for $20 from our local thrift shop. Four drawers pull out to 2 feet in length and there are 2 pull-out shelves for writing. My friend wanted to murder me when I painted over the solid wood finish with pistachio green paint, but that’s what I do……kill all things in their natural state.  I’m not into reconstructive surgery. If it doesn’t look like it did in the beginning, then it’s plastic surgery all the way. I’ll throw in pageant makeup if I have to (decoupage).

On the downside:   My desk sits about five feet from the front door. The office is between the front entrance, which leads to the kitchen (or the upstairs) and the living room. There are no doors to this office…..SO…..I am clearly in hell’s epicenter. The kids are officially on christmas break and I realize…..I won’t get a damn thing done unless I kill them. Of course, I’ll have to clean up that mess, cover up what happened, spin a story and plan their funerals. Then, I’d have to attend and even speak. It’s not even worth it. Too much trouble and it would probably take up even more time that I don’t have.

My solution:  It should be solved with christmas. At least, I hope. We built a 6×11 room off of the kitchen, which was going to be a pantry, but isn’t. I have asked for this room to be my christmas present. A space all my own to write away. I’ll keep you all posted, but I imagine it’ll happen because I can be a real pain in the ass when I want something.

Update: I have only given two updates on my weekly weight loss and I’ve neglected to give an update on my pregnancy status. I do have exciting news. I have gained back some (not all) of the weight that I recently lost. It looks like in about nine months…….I will be a big, fat-slob if I don’t stop eating so much crap. The holidays were a stupid time to start losing weight. Why didn’t anyone tell me? I’ve given up on stressing about the weight….for now. BUT….don’t worry. I’m still going to have lots of sex, but only for procreation. It’s so totally gross to do it for any other reason. For the cause man! For the cause!

Big News: Well, it might not be big news to you, but it is to me. I was given the Kreativ Blogger Award by zendictive. Hopefully, I will fulfill my award duties soon with a post on this. In case you are wondering……..an award is still worth having, even if you had to extort someone to get it. I will neither confirm or deny that I have damaging information or photos involving zendictive.

Admission: I’m way too tired to check this shit for mistakes.

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