This is the future, but also right now.
You aren’t welcome back, no way, no how.
No open arms and no open doors.
It’s clear to all, if it wasn’t before.
You are damaged and toxic, with no moral code.
Picking on children at your age. How bold!
We understand your life sucks pretty hard.
But that’s your fault, so don’t throw crap in our yard.
Haters hate and you are no exception.
I’m pretty sure it started at your conception.
If you’re still in the dark, let me turn on the light.
Without you around, the future is bright.
(Word to your mother…..)
My first thought is: “Not in a million years!”.
Kissing this dude would be like giving oral sex to my dryer’s lint tray.
Someone, out there, reading this, knows for sure.
AND….some, might be turned on, but I digress.
My second thought is: “Smashup!”
I want to do what Reese’s did for peanut butter and chocolate.
Idea: Let’s put two things together and make something magical.
Condoms and Glasses
Still don’t see where this is going?
(Please help me come up with a wonderful name for this new product.)
They deploy at the exact moment of visual arousal.
Why do we need these you ask?
For those women, you know the ones……..
”I get pregnant every time someone looks at me.”
We have to have some type of protection, some type of birth control for men who have the power to release microscopic sperm from their eyes. This is quite an epidemic people. It is also quite reckless. It’s astonishing how many children are brought into this world because someone looked at their momma in the wrong way. What’s even more disturbing is this: How does that child even know who his/her daddy is? It’s going to take a retinal scan on the Maury Povich show to straighten that shit out. AND seriously……The chances of finding the “baby daddy” are pretty slim. God help you if you are identified as giving someone “the pregnant eye”. You can look forward to child support for that kid and probably hundreds more. If you are capable of giving the pregnant eye to one, then chances are, you’ve given it to another. Aren’t their enough excuses to put kids in therapy without adding this to the list?
SO…Let’s come up with a fabulous name.
Let’s get this product out in the world.
AND…Let’s start protecting ourselves.
I wonder what the Sharks would think?
By: Disassociated Press-on-Nails
NO WHERE IMPORTANT — One of the Big Tobacco companies is set to release it’s new line of cigarettes, Marlbooro, just in time for Halloween. The name was a stroke of genius, implying the obvious. These cigarettes are scary as shit. “With the need to be the leader in this market, it was time to roll out a new line,” said head cancer stick designer, Mr. Black Lung. He went on to explain the creative thinking behind the new line. “It was time for us to make a statement to America and the rest of the world. We care about the economy! We care about the people. We care about healthcare!”
Apparently, this company wants to make an impact. We talked in length with the CIO (Chief Idiot Officer) to find out how they were going to do this.
- Bulk packaging/product will allow a lower price-point and keep more loyal cigarette smokers……addicted.
- Bigger product will give the “in your face” buying reaction needed to create new smokers.
- The larger cigarette will ease the psychological guilt of “two packs a day” smokers, since smoking one of these cigarettes is now the equivalent.
- Car companies will be forced to hire more employees to keep up with the interior design demands of the “Super-Sized” cigarette smoker.
- More head/arm space
- New ashtrays
- New window design for dumping ashes
- Technology companies will be out to create the cigarette holding/smoking version of the Bluetooth device.
- Fashion designers will be out in masses, creating less flammable fabrics and improving clothing design, so the product can be carried.
- Makers of toothpaste, perfumes and quit smoking products will have an immediate increase in sales.
- Police officers can hand out more tickets for littering, since you can’t miss this baby flying out of your window.
- More fire and rescue personnel will be hired due to the inevitable increase in forest and home fires.
- Healthcare jobs are secure and increasing with this product. That is a given.
- Psychological and Emotional needs will be satisfied with this product.
- Prisoners will do anything for one of these, so coöperation should be on the rise.
- This would be a status symbol for men. Bigger is better.
- The ladies will surely improve their chances of being taken home….or somewhere. Who doesn’t want the girl with this in her mouth?
Per the CIO, “There is no greater pleasure than introducing this product. We feel like pioneers. You know, like the ones that ended up killing a bunch of folks.”
Many moons ago, my son asked if the Easter bunny was real. he said he really, really wanted to know. After telling him no, he said he knew it. After all, a big bunny hopping around bringing baskets is ridiculous.
He got his little sister. They wanted to know if Santa was real. Again, they really wanted to know. I gave a great explanation about the history behind St. Nick and how it all began. They handled it great. They were smiling and engaged.
THEN……..they wanted to know about the tooth fairy and anyone else represented by a Hallmark holiday. I told them all of it was made up.
THEN…..The eyes bulged and the lips quivered.
Their eyes burned through me, for what felt like ten hours (probably 3 seconds), but in kid time, same thing. AND IN NO TIME……..the horror ensued. They began screaming and crying hysterically. They said I lied about Santa. AND……..Why was I tricking them? I think one of their heads spun around.
Quickly, I regrouped and told them they were right. I did lie to them. “Mommy was fooling around and playing a joke”, I said.
My son decided I lied about the bunny too.
I’m sure the event will trigger some degree of PTSD in the future.
THE OTHER DAY: My son asked for help with his language arts homework. He was struggling. I gave him my expertise. He appeared to believe me, then said, “How do I even trust you? You could just be lying to me.”
Clearly, lies are like memory foam……….even the truths, we say are lies. That would be the “double lie” impact.
In the end……….I secured my children’s innocence and their belief in magic, at least for a while.
I also increased the likelihood that they will never believe a word I say.
WELL………at least I know they fit in with all the other children their age, who don’t believe their parents either.
AND…………That’s how it goes when mommy is a big, fat, nasty, f’ing liar!
Forgive the crappy pic. I have a dumb phone (by choice) and don’t carry my smart camera with me.
SO……….There we were, hubby and me, having a heated debate about something stupid. Our arguments are pointless, but “mood swing” relationships keep the good times going. ANYWAY……..We’re in the parking lot of Walmart (where I should own stock), when a George Costanza look-alike and his lovely companion pull up. We immediately stopped arguing and laughed so hard we cried. The only thing that would’ve been better, is if he lifted his companion off of his crotch before exiting the car.
Even roadkill/woodkill gets to shop at Walmart.
AND………I think it’s too late for the seatbelt!
Word: IDEA (150 word max)
Mr. Wolf was a real bully. He didn’t have any friends, and his family disowned him. Supposedly, he ate some old lady in the next county over, which isn’t frowned upon if one is starving, but it was a domestic dispute. There were rumors about her granddaughter and a restraining order.
Mr. Wolf had no social life, on account of the fact that no one wanted to be social with him. Therefore, he had plenty of time for career planning. He took some business courses and attended “get rich quick” seminars. Eventually, he got into real estate. He bought up most of the town and became a slumlord. Life was pretty good, until those damned little pigs came to town. Then, he got an idea, which would lead to a whole world of trouble for Mr. Wolf.
This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains 137 words.
Word: DINNER (125 word max)
I should’ve paid more attention. Perhaps then, I could’ve cheated death.
From the first moment of takeoff, everything was perfect. I was caressing the air and gliding with ease. I forgot the dangers of flying.
First, I flew upside down, then sideways. Suddenly, while in the middle of my triple loop, I felt myself losing control. Fear grew inside of me as I neared the lava-like liquid below. Once in, I would surely be a goner.
I hit! The heat danced around me with no escape. My skin bubbled as the scalding liquid ate through me. It was sheer torture, and I knew it would be over soon. I was being cooked alive in someone’s dinner. Why did I have to be born a fly?
This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains 125 words.
My wife just couldn’t accept the inevitable. Time moves on. We age and we grow. The twins were no exception. As much as she wanted them to stay their perfect and cute size, it wasn’t going to happen. Time passed, just like I told her it would. New growth spurts occurred with every birthday, but she couldn’t adjust.
“I’ve never seen you so upset,” I said to my wife as I embraced her. “It’s natural sweetheart. Please stop crying.”
“But….Things will never be the same. I can barely breathe,” she said as she gasped for air.
“Sweetie,” I said. ”Fat happens. I’ll just get the vise. Before you know it, you’ll be back into that size thirty-six bra and then we’ll work on those jeans.”
“You’re such an ass,” she said. “Why does your one vice have to be brutal honesty?”
This was another M3 Flash Fiction Challenge, using vice and/or vise and a 150 word limit. This work has a 141 word count.