This is the future, but also right now.
You aren’t welcome back, no way, no how.
No open arms and no open doors.
It’s clear to all, if it wasn’t before.
You are damaged and toxic, with no moral code.
Picking on children at your age. How bold!
We understand your life sucks pretty hard.
But that’s your fault, so don’t throw crap in our yard.
Haters hate and you are no exception.
I’m pretty sure it started at your conception.
If you’re still in the dark, let me turn on the light.
Without you around, the future is bright.
(Word to your mother…..)
If you give your elf some alcohol……
He will want to snort coke.
If your elf snorts too much coke, he will try to ride a dinosaur.
If he tries to ride a dinosaur, the dinosaur will get angry and toss him around like a rag doll.
If the dinosaur gets angry and tosses him around like a rag doll, then the elf will get excited, since he is hyped up on coke, and start to jack himself off.
If he jacks himself off, then he will want to dress up like a girl to balance out the testosterone from playing with a dinosaur while grabbing his own junk.
After dressing up like a girl, he will need more alcohol to drown the fact he is a fucked up mess.
As I work tirelessly, in and out of my mind on things, please enjoy this moment.
Presented by my slut of an elf (Sammy).
By: Disassociated Press-on-Nails
NO WHERE IMPORTANT — One of the Big Tobacco companies is set to release it’s new line of cigarettes, Marlbooro, just in time for Halloween. The name was a stroke of genius, implying the obvious. These cigarettes are scary as shit. “With the need to be the leader in this market, it was time to roll out a new line,” said head cancer stick designer, Mr. Black Lung. He went on to explain the creative thinking behind the new line. “It was time for us to make a statement to America and the rest of the world. We care about the economy! We care about the people. We care about healthcare!”
Apparently, this company wants to make an impact. We talked in length with the CIO (Chief Idiot Officer) to find out how they were going to do this.
- Bulk packaging/product will allow a lower price-point and keep more loyal cigarette smokers……addicted.
- Bigger product will give the “in your face” buying reaction needed to create new smokers.
- The larger cigarette will ease the psychological guilt of “two packs a day” smokers, since smoking one of these cigarettes is now the equivalent.
- Car companies will be forced to hire more employees to keep up with the interior design demands of the “Super-Sized” cigarette smoker.
- More head/arm space
- New ashtrays
- New window design for dumping ashes
- Technology companies will be out to create the cigarette holding/smoking version of the Bluetooth device.
- Fashion designers will be out in masses, creating less flammable fabrics and improving clothing design, so the product can be carried.
- Makers of toothpaste, perfumes and quit smoking products will have an immediate increase in sales.
- Police officers can hand out more tickets for littering, since you can’t miss this baby flying out of your window.
- More fire and rescue personnel will be hired due to the inevitable increase in forest and home fires.
- Healthcare jobs are secure and increasing with this product. That is a given.
- Psychological and Emotional needs will be satisfied with this product.
- Prisoners will do anything for one of these, so coöperation should be on the rise.
- This would be a status symbol for men. Bigger is better.
- The ladies will surely improve their chances of being taken home….or somewhere. Who doesn’t want the girl with this in her mouth?
Per the CIO, “There is no greater pleasure than introducing this product. We feel like pioneers. You know, like the ones that ended up killing a bunch of folks.”
Forgive the crappy pic. I have a dumb phone (by choice) and don’t carry my smart camera with me.
SO……….There we were, hubby and me, having a heated debate about something stupid. Our arguments are pointless, but “mood swing” relationships keep the good times going. ANYWAY……..We’re in the parking lot of Walmart (where I should own stock), when a George Costanza look-alike and his lovely companion pull up. We immediately stopped arguing and laughed so hard we cried. The only thing that would’ve been better, is if he lifted his companion off of his crotch before exiting the car.
Even roadkill/woodkill gets to shop at Walmart.
AND………I think it’s too late for the seatbelt!
Word: IDEA (150 word max)
Mr. Wolf was a real bully. He didn’t have any friends, and his family disowned him. Supposedly, he ate some old lady in the next county over, which isn’t frowned upon if one is starving, but it was a domestic dispute. There were rumors about her granddaughter and a restraining order.
Mr. Wolf had no social life, on account of the fact that no one wanted to be social with him. Therefore, he had plenty of time for career planning. He took some business courses and attended “get rich quick” seminars. Eventually, he got into real estate. He bought up most of the town and became a slumlord. Life was pretty good, until those damned little pigs came to town. Then, he got an idea, which would lead to a whole world of trouble for Mr. Wolf.
This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains 137 words.
Word: DINNER (125 word max)
I should’ve paid more attention. Perhaps then, I could’ve cheated death.
From the first moment of takeoff, everything was perfect. I was caressing the air and gliding with ease. I forgot the dangers of flying.
First, I flew upside down, then sideways. Suddenly, while in the middle of my triple loop, I felt myself losing control. Fear grew inside of me as I neared the lava-like liquid below. Once in, I would surely be a goner.
I hit! The heat danced around me with no escape. My skin bubbled as the scalding liquid ate through me. It was sheer torture, and I knew it would be over soon. I was being cooked alive in someone’s dinner. Why did I have to be born a fly?
This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains 125 words.