Weekly Photo Challenge: Future Tense


Scrabble Photo 001

This is the future, but also right now.

You aren’t welcome back, no way, no how.

No open arms and no open doors.

It’s clear to all, if it wasn’t before.

You are damaged and toxic, with no moral code.

Picking on children at your age. How bold!

We understand your life sucks pretty hard.

But that’s your fault, so don’t throw crap in our yard.

Haters hate and you are no exception.

I’m pretty sure it started at your conception.

If you’re still in the dark, let me turn on the light.

Without you around, the future is bright.

(Word to your mother…..)

 

Are you giving me the pregnant eye?


My first thought is: “Not in a million years!”.

Kissing this dude would be like giving oral sex to my dryer’s lint tray.

Someone, out there, reading this, knows for sure.

AND….some, might be turned on, but I digress.

Crazy fetish?

My second thought is: Smashup!”

I want to do what Reese’s did for peanut butter and chocolate.

Say what?

imagesCAV6BZGE

Idea: Let’s put two things together and make something magical.

Condoms and Glasses

Still don’t see where this is going?

imagesCAK2LISIimagesCAAKRLRZ

Condom Glasses!

(Please help me come up with a wonderful name for this new product.)

They deploy at the exact moment of visual arousal.

Why do we need these you ask?

Condom Glasses_edited-1

For those women, you know the ones……..

”I get pregnant every time someone looks at me.”

imagesCAG8HZIA 

We have to have some type of protection, some type of birth control for men  who have the power to release microscopic sperm from their eyes.  This is quite an epidemic people. It  is also quite reckless. It’s astonishing how many children are brought into this world because someone looked at their momma in the wrong way. What’s even more disturbing is this: How does that child even know who his/her daddy is? It’s going to take a retinal scan on the Maury Povich show to straighten that shit out. AND seriously……The chances of finding the “baby daddy” are pretty slim. God help you if you are identified as giving someone “the pregnant eye”. You can look forward to child support for that kid and probably hundreds more. If you are capable of giving the pregnant eye to one, then chances are, you’ve given it to another.  Aren’t their enough excuses to put kids in therapy without adding this to the list?

SO…Let’s come up with a fabulous name.

Let’s get this product out in the world.

AND…Let’s start protecting ourselves.

I wonder what the Sharks would think?

imagesCABATMA9

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: BIG


By: Disassociated Press-on-Nails

NO WHERE IMPORTANT — One of the Big Tobacco companies is set to release it’s new line of cigarettes, Marlbooro, just in time for Halloween. The name was a stroke of genius, implying the obvious. These cigarettes are scary as shit.  “With the need to be the leader in this market, it was time to roll out a new line,” said head cancer stick designer, Mr. Black Lung. He went on to explain the creative thinking behind the new line. “It was time for us to make a statement to America and the rest of the world. We care about the economy! We care about the people. We care about healthcare!”

Big Tobacco Cigarettes

Apparently, this company wants to make an impact. We talked in length with the CIO (Chief Idiot Officer) to find out how they were going to do this.

  • Bulk packaging/product will allow a lower price-point and keep more loyal cigarette smokers……addicted.
  • Bigger product will give the “in your face” buying reaction needed to create new smokers.
  • The larger cigarette will ease the psychological guilt of “two packs a day” smokers, since smoking one of these cigarettes is now the equivalent.
  • Car companies will be forced to hire more employees to keep up with the interior design demands of the “Super-Sized” cigarette smoker.
    • More head/arm space
    • New ashtrays
    • New window design for dumping ashes
  • Technology companies will be out to create the cigarette holding/smoking version of the Bluetooth device.
  • Fashion designers will be out in masses, creating less flammable fabrics and improving clothing design, so the product can be carried.
  • Makers of toothpaste, perfumes and quit smoking products will have an immediate increase in sales.
  • Police officers can hand out more tickets for littering, since you can’t miss this baby flying out of your window.
  • More fire and rescue personnel will be hired due to the inevitable increase in forest and home fires.
  • Healthcare jobs are secure and increasing with this product. That is a given.
  • Psychological and Emotional needs will be satisfied with this product.
    • Prisoners will do anything for one of these, so coöperation should be on the rise.
    • This would be a status symbol for men. Bigger is better.
    • The ladies will surely improve their chances of being taken home….or somewhere. Who doesn’t want the girl with this in her mouth?

Per the CIO, “There is no greater pleasure than introducing this product. We feel like pioneers. You know, like the ones that ended up killing a bunch of folks.”

All roads lead to Walmart.


Forgive the crappy pic. I have a dumb phone (by choice) and don’t carry my smart camera with me.

SO……….There we were, hubby and me, having a heated debate about something stupid. Our arguments are pointless, but “mood swing” relationships keep the good times going. ANYWAY……..We’re in the parking lot of Walmart (where I should own stock), when a George Costanza look-alike and his lovely companion pull up. We immediately stopped arguing and laughed so hard we cried. The only thing that would’ve been better, is if he lifted his companion off of his crotch before exiting the car.

Even roadkill/woodkill gets to shop at Walmart.

Deer in car 1

AND………I think it’s too late for the seatbelt!

Flash in the Pan: “Finish Line Crawler”


Word: IDEA (150 word max)

Mr. Wolf was a real bully. He didn’t have any friends, and his family disowned him. Supposedly, he ate some old lady in the next county over, which isn’t frowned upon if one is starving, but it was a domestic dispute. There were rumors about her granddaughter and a restraining order.

Mr. Wolf had no social life, on account of the fact that no one wanted to be social with him. Therefore, he had plenty of time for career planning.  He took some business courses and attended “get rich quick” seminars. Eventually, he got into real estate. He bought up most of the town and became a slumlord. Life was pretty good, until those damned little pigs came to town. Then, he got an idea, which would lead to a whole world of trouble for Mr. Wolf.

This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains 137 words.

Word: DINNER (125 word max)

I should’ve paid more attention. Perhaps then, I could’ve cheated death.

From the first moment of takeoff, everything was perfect. I was caressing the air and gliding with ease. I forgot the dangers of flying.

First, I flew upside down, then sideways. Suddenly, while in the middle of my triple loop, I felt myself losing control. Fear grew inside of me as I neared the lava-like liquid below. Once in, I would surely be a goner.

I hit! The heat danced around me with no escape. My skin bubbled as the scalding liquid ate through me. It was sheer  torture, and I knew it would be over soon. I was being cooked alive in someone’s dinner. Why did I have to be born a fly?

This was inspired by M3 Flash Challenge. This piece contains  125 words.

Flash in the Pan: Vise/Vice


My wife just couldn’t accept the inevitable. Time moves on. We age and we grow. The twins were no exception. As much as she wanted them to stay their perfect and cute size, it wasn’t going to happen.  Time passed, just like I told her it would. New growth spurts occurred with every birthday, but she couldn’t adjust.

“I’ve never seen you so upset,” I said to my wife as I embraced her. “It’s natural sweetheart. Please stop crying.”

“But….Things will never be the same. I can barely breathe,” she said as she gasped for air.

“Sweetie,” I said. ”Fat happens. I’ll just get the vise. Before you know it, you’ll be back into that size thirty-six bra and then we’ll work on those jeans.”

“You’re such an ass,” she said. “Why does your one vice have to be brutal honesty?”

 

This was another M3 Flash Fiction Challenge, using vice and/or vise and a 150 word limit. This work has a 141 word count.