Shocking as it may seem………I am not a fan of cop killing, gay bashing or racist songs. To be blunt, they seem pretty fucking unnecessary to me. OH……….Did I fail to mention how ignorant they are? I suppose there are people, who think these songs are super cool and badass, but there are also people who eat their boogers, even into adulthood. Just sayin’!
Perhaps I would have more respect for these artists……….SORRY…….…I had to throw up in my mouth a little…….…if the lyrics were more honest.I mean, why do you really want to kill cops? Let’s be honest. It’s because you want to do various horrible, immoral and illegal things. Some of these things may include: rape, murder, beatings, robbery, drug dealing…….and so on and so forth. You want to do these things and be left alone. Sorry! I guess life isn’t fair. Didn’t your momma teach you that? Perhaps you should sing songs about the lawmakers as well. After all, they may have something to do with the laws the police are supposed to enforce. And how about the President of the United States? I suppose he endorses your behavior? Why not write song lyrics about your grandma? Unless you think she approves of your behavior. Oh……and for those who feel they are justified because of some kind of police brutality…….I have never heard a song naming Officer John Doe. The “brotherhood” does not mean every officer is accountable for another officer’s actions. If my sibling screws someone over…….WELL……It ain’t my fault. Seriously! So stop calling me!
AND……..How about you homophobes? Is it really necessary to announce to the world how you feel about sexual orientations other than those that are heterosexual. Screams out insecurity to me. What are you afraid of? Rejection??!!??
AND LASTLY……..Does the world need to know you are an ignorant racist? I’m referring to all the shades of racism.
Since these songs seem to be so popular among a limited “so smart they seem stupid” audience, I think we should expand. I think we should have songs about hating the dentist. Let’s face it……..going to the dentist sucks. How about slurs against the Disney Channel for running shows that make our children think parents don’t really exist? I’m currently writing a song about killing stirrup pants. Lord knows, we don’t need to bring those back. Here are some other ideas we can rage about:
- eating vegetables
- brushing our teeth
- washing our hands
- putting the toilet seat down
- calling someone after you sleep with them
- pretending you like your in-laws
Let me know if anyone can come up with some really incredible song lyrics!
SO…….I had great plans when I started this blog. Let me go over some of them.
- Workout/Lose Weight: I have stepped up my game and lost some weight, but that isn’t hard when stepping it up means getting your ass off the couch a few more times than usual. I’m still staying up way too late, which has kicked my metabolism in the ass.
- Cut Down on Drinking: This means alcohol of course. I was never an alcoholic, but I sure loved to drink my heavy calorie and sugary blends. Doing better! I am on to beer water as most of you know. BUT…….The drinking socially thing is still an issue. I have cut the sugar drinks out, lowered the alcohol content and the calories……BUT…..The frequency of events to attend: parties, friendly dinners, bullshit celebrations (made up ones) and “the kids drive me crazy” reflection nights have not helped matters. With the social drinking, comes social eating, social ass seating and social staying up late. AND……..As stated before, none of these are good.
- Write: I started a blog, two, then three……as an outlet. I needed to get back on the horse (so to speak), although I can ride one. The blog was to get my feet wet again, so I could work on writing projects I started pre-kids. This has not happened due to the overwhelming time (when I have it) it seems to take: writing, commenting, reading other blogs….blah, blah, blah……..
- Work with/therapy for my son and remember I have 3 others: Well, if I am spending my time doing the above…..I’m not working as much as I should with my son or spending enough quality time with my kids.
I know I’m my own person with dreams…..blah, blah, blah……but I am a mom/wife first. This is my choice and what I signed up for. I’m not saying I live my life for others, but I’m not going to half-ass it and end up having my kids write shit about me one day, or my husband. At least, not if I can help it. When they are gone (not the husband), then I get 100% of the time for myself. For now, the time needs to be split, with them getting the lion’s share. Maybe I would have turned out better if someone used that plan with me!
AND……Let’s face it. No one benefits from a mom/wife who weighs so much, she can’t get off the computer chair without huffing and puffing or one that falls off the chair from party exhaustion or over-consumption of beer water…….SO…….Keeping in shape is a top priority.
Writing/Blogging is for me and it will have to wait for a convenient time. This may mean a few times a week, or a few times a month. Who knows? I sure don’t.
STANDBY FOR FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS!
I had a busy holiday weekend. By the time it was over, the internet had gone out. I wasn’t too thrilled about it, but I wasn’t devastated like the Things were. One Thing in particular called me on the intercom 3x to complain and cry (literally) about the Xbox Live being down. It was heartbreaking. I mean….what was my Thing to do with only the satellite working, the PSP, the DS, the Wii, the pre-installed computer games…….AND……..wait for it…………..THE OUTDOORS!
We finally got it up and running this afternoon. You would’ve thought they got bumped up to the #1 slot on the transplant list. It makes you wonder how we, the non-tech generation, survived. AND…….I really don’t think Atari counts. Although, Commodore computers were pretty tight.
It’s that time again.
Life wasn’t as thrilling this week, so forgive me, but I’m going to fill the void with graphics.
(Google Images: mommysaidaswearword and Google for all other pics)
I spent almost $100 this week at the hair salon. Can I call it a salon when it’s in the same strip mall as the grocery store? For those of you with gutter minds, I am not referring in any way to strippers. Although, when it gets dark, I hear some crazy things happen behind that building. ANYWAY….I think we are all going to have to go “stranded on an island” or “caveman” style to save money…….OR…….We could take a stab at trying to cut each other’s hair. I’ve got some scrapbook scissors that could work wonders.
The Cute One had another therapy session. He is working on standing unassisted and getting off of furniture the right way. Apparently, falling off isn’t correct. Someone should alert the drunks.
I’ve been burning a hole in my YMCA membership card this week. It’s taken a lot out of me since I’m not accustomed to such activities. I’ve had to prioritize, with the bit of energy I had left at the end of each day. Since I am legally obligated to take care of my children and I’d go more insane if my house went to complete crap………..the computer was not high on my list.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 have a very large social studies packet to complete for school. They were given a week to finish half of it, but they were moving too slowly. I bribed them with extra video game time this week. Shocker! It worked.
I guess I worked myself sick at the Y. I had some crazy “not quite” 24 hour bug. On the upside……It probably helped my weight loss goals a bit.
Update: SO…….Despicable Me, who owes Cowboy money, finally paid him half of it (what they claim is half….doubts about that) . Despicable restated they aren’t responsible. Really? YOU SEE……They passed the buck. They gave SuckUDry (per them: known to be untrustworthy and owes them money…HMMMMMM!) our property. SuckUDry sold it and kept the money. SO……Even though the deal was made with Despicable Me, we get paid when SuckUDry pays them. Here lies a valuable lesson when you want to screw with someone. Promise to do something, involve a third-party to lie, steal, whatever………AND THEN……Claim no responsibility. It’s like the people who pop out kids and then pawn them off on others to raise. I bet those kids don’t blame their real parents. After all, they passed the buck. It’s not their responsibility. What a convenient way to live!
Yeah…..We’ve all made it through another week and if you know someone who hasn’t, then….I guess that statement was inaccurate and insensitive…SO….Let’s correct that one.
Yeah…..Almost all of us have made it through another week.
I’ve learned that:
My husband is a mother
fucker. No seriously, he is. I am a mother and we have sex. So…..Really, this is true.
Striking out some of the letters of my profanity or inappropriate banter, makes me seem more sensitive and less trashy. Sassy! Sensitive and sort of trashy-classy.
It’s my fault my children forget to do their homework….OR….so I am told.
I’m also to blame for his/her sibling being born. NOW….That one I can’t argue with. I definitely had a part in that
I like bacon more than exercise.
My new coffee pot is annoying. It dispenses the coffee straight to your cup or bowl….whatever…..BUT…..It makes this annoying sound. Say “errrrrr” with a gravely tone to your voice. That’s what I get to hear each time I get my coffee. I finally figured out what that sound reminds me of……a vibrator. SO…..Mr. Coffee may be on to something, at least for the ladies, or anyone else loving such trinkets. See…..Those Maxwell House International Coffee ads always showed women talking about some lover they met and how the coffee brought back memories. Mr. Coffee now gives you an imaginary orgasm or the memory of one, each time you pour your coffee. Kind of genius.
The sound of the air coming out of a balloon would be the men’s equivalent to the women’s Mr. Coffee. I mean really, it seems letting out gas is orgasmic to some.
Carry on weekenders!
Courtesy of Merriam-Webster
Definition of FRENZY
a: a temporary madness b: a violent mental or emotional agitation
: intense usually wild and often disorderly compulsive or agitated activity <a shopping frenzy>
So…..Now it’s time for me to bitch, moan, groan….NO…..it’s not going to be that type of posting. Imaginary smack to face. Snap out of it! Sometimes a person just needs to vent, and we all know how I hold back so often on this blog. You wouldn’t want me to explode would you. Again….smack to face.
- Someone owes Cowboy a bit of money. For months, they have spun so many stories about what happened to the money and why they can’t pay, they make the game of “telephone” seem predictable. Come to find out, this isn’t the first time this person has pulled this crap. Truly despicable. I hope they have sunblock for their afterlife. If not, I’m sure Hell has a gift shop. I had to block them off Facebook. I was tired of throwing up in my mouth after reading about them trading in their vehicle for a new one, buying a paddle boat and putting in a fish pond. AND…..They are so excited to get more renters this year, BUT….They can’t seem to make good on a debt. Perhaps I can drive the car, ride in the boat and fish in the pond that my Cowboy helped pay for. And renters: Make that first month’s rent check out to Cowboy please.
- My daughter made a meal for dinner the other night. Notice the extra spoon??!!?? God love her. She made the spoon her secret ingredient.
- WordPress is officially my pimp now. I found out people were seeing ads on my site. I guess I was too cheap to pay for the “no ad” add on. So….I sunk to a new low and allowed WordAds on my page. Doesn’t it make it look so pretty? Kind of like a blind person accessorizing your outfit. I’d apologize to the blind folk out there, but I guess you wouldn’t be reading my blog anyway…..AND…..If you are listening to this, then you must really like me and know how inappropriate I am…….SO…..It’s all good. I’m hoping to rub two nickels together by the end of this year.
- Thing 1, Thing 2 and Thing 3 are playing soccer this spring. NOW……I don’t have future Olympic soccer players on my hands, (I don’t think so), but they do a great job on the field and I’m very proud. What rubs me the wrong way a bit (while making me laugh), is the “travel team” rage that is upon us. It seems that a community’s Parks and Recreation program (any sport) just isn’t enough for kids (really the parents) these days. Parents are paying (up to) thousands a year to truck their child here and there and get special, more advanced training/coaching in their chosen sport. BUT…..These same kids, are also on the community’s team. I pay $75 per child for the Things to compete against other children, not Bionic Kids. Let’s put a deer in a 10×10 room and go hunting. Really? Where is the fun and true competition here? If my kids lose a game against “enhanced” kids, I will tell them to blame my bank account and inability to be a hundred places at once for 4 kids. If they win against “enhanced” kids, they can believe in raw, natural talent.
So……Now it’s time to explore the lessons learned.
- When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I heard that line on a soap opera the other day, but how true it is. In retrospect, this person showed glimpses at how petty and cruel they were. They were also, a little too anxious to be in our lives, and that should have been a red flag for me to. Seems we were just targets all along. I have learned that I don’t judge character as well as I thought and to never trust anyone with my money.
- Do not let her use the microwave to cook when metal utensils are included in the recipe.
- If someone is going to use you, then you might as well try to get something out of it as well.
- I’ve learned that if we really want our children to succeed in the future, then we need to create programs that truly matter.
- Traveling Sex Team: Being great in bed can score you a financially secure partner, a pack of cigarettes (street folk) or that promotion.
- Traveling Evade the Law Team: It goes without saying. “Run Johnny, run!”
- Traveling Verbal Assault Team: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Most of us know that is a crock of crap. Words hurt….a lot! We might as well teach our children a skill like that to run over people in life and bully their way into success.
- Traveling Cheater’s Team: Learn how not to get caught. Have your cake and eat it too.
- Traveling Plastic Surgery Team: Let’s face it, good guys finish last and so does ugly.
- Traveling Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass Team: This is only for children who want to be politicians.
- Traveling Addiction Team: There are a lot of people out there who are attracted to the “bad” boy and “messed up” girl. People love to fix people. This special training will trump looks and intelligence any day of the week. Sign up now. Spaces are filling up fast.
I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. A hooker on the street, who clearly needs dental work and a bath is not going to break the bank. They may break your no STD streak though, but only if that’s a concern to you. There’s also that person at work, who gets drunk off cough syrup and takes it all off for a chili dog at 7-11. BUT….I’m not talking about that. I’m back to America’s Romance Coach. Let’s give another round of sighs and gagging sounds to Gregory Godek. I found some really great and cheap ideas for romance out of his supposed bestselling book, 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC.
- Run a bubble bath and have sex in the tub. Okay. Bubble baths can lead to urinary tract infections, which hurt like a mother
fucker. Unless you want that intercourse to be your last for a while, don’t do it in the damn bubble bath.
- Put a love letter in a bottle and leave it floating in the bathtub. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t the purpose romance? A message traveling miles upon miles and even years in the water, is mysterious and magical. This idea sucks big time. Why not just drop it in the toilet?
- Speaking of which: Write notes on rolls of toilet paper. What a turn on. There’s nothing more I’d like than to put “I Love You.” on a sheet and then have my love wipe their ass with it. Seriously, is he joking?
- Send her a copy of your résumé and attach a note saying you want to know her better. Fucking stupid. Enough said on that idea.
- Give him a toy telephone with a note asking E.T to phone home more often. Wow! I bet he can hardly control the growth in his pants imagining a shriveled up alien, who looks like he’s in need of a neck circumcision.
“The Coach” also has some ideas strictly for the singles out there.
- Pushing the résumé idea awfully hard again. Economic times are tough. So….Unless they can also offer you a job, don’t bother.
- Celebrate the onset of her menstrual cycle with champagne. This is to celebrate the relief of the male and to ease the pain of the female. WTF! I would love to hear opinions on that idea.
- When giving jewelry, never package it in a ring box unless it’s an engagement ring. Why ask for trouble? Okay. This jackass is just pissing me off now.
Here are some lovely thoughts for married couples.
- In the middle of a party/event, whisper to your mate that they are the best. Why the whisper? Are you embarrassed or something? Wouldn’t it mean more if you said it out loud so others knew you meant it.
- Frame your wedding license and hang it on the wall. I don’t know about romantic, but it’s a nice reminder that you’ll legally obligated to each other.
- He also suggests: Making a small copy of your wedding license and putting it in your wallet next to your driver’s license. That way, when someone questions how anyone could be brain-dead enough to marry a dumbass like you, you can whip it out and prove someone was that brain-dead.
I have the book 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC, which I was tempted to give to Goodwill (because everyone needs loving), but it’s great material. The author, Gregory J.P. Godek labels himself, America’s Romance Coach. I’ve never heard of him so I’m not sure how long he’s been coaching us, here in America. Do we have an American Olympic Romance Team? The book was published in 1995, but I don’t remember being on his team. Perhaps that’s why my first incarceration, I mean marriage, failed. If only I had Coach Godek on my side, perhaps my ex-cellmate wouldn’t have parked his car in so many garages and brought home unknown oil stains and grease. Perhaps if I had followed the suggestions, all 1001 of them, offered in “the book”, then things would’ve been different. NOW……Let’s get serious. No amount of romance is going to unwedge private parts or stir up feelings someone never had before. Romance is just the topping on the cake people. And yes, it can mean that kind of cake if you like…….disgusting gutter minded pigs!
It’s great, because the beginning of the book talks about the 2 kinds of romance being obligatory and optional. Wow! Give me some of that obligatory romance because it sounds awesome. Today is a day for that type of romance. Nothing says love more than someone telling you: “you have to”. I’m pretty sure I saw that in an episode of Criminal Minds.
In case anyone needs guidance, let’s explore some of Coach’s ideas and thoughts:
- “Tune-in” to romantic opportunities: He says they are everywhere. We should look on the t.v., radio, in newspapers and magazines. We should even look in shop windows. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting porn out of that.
- Overdo something: He suggests that if your “love” loves something, you should go overboard (ex: loves m&m’s…..buy 50 lbs). My hubby says he loves having alone time. I think I should go out for ice cream and never come back.
- Give your partner choices. He suggests: fast or slow, now or later, large or small, modern or antique, public or private. Wow. What a pervy guy. So….I’m interpreting erect or not-erect, with me or not with me and young twenty year-old or nursing home candidate. HMMMMM?
- He says romance is a balance between: actions speaking louder than words and it’s the thought that counts. WTF! Is Confucius here with some fucked up fortune cookie?
- His thoughts on flowers: give one for every day you’ll be away if traveling, get to know your florist, put one in her purse or his briefcase, put one under the windshield wiper……Well, after you get to know your florist, I’ll assume you are traveling with her and when you get home, I’ll stick a thorny rose up your ass. That will be memorable.
- His specific Valentine’s Day ideas: take this day off from work, send 20 cards to your love, greet him at the door wearing only a red ribbon, buy children’s valentines and fill the sink with them or tape them all over her car. Okay, so I’m love-sick? I’m sure the boss will understand. Can we say stalker? Why the woman and the ribbon? Men clearly have the hanger for proper bow placement. With the money it would cost for that many kid’s valentine’s, I’d rather buy a bunch of tequila, a few bags of sand, put on a horribly fitting bikini and play drunken “spring break” sex with my hubby. You better not put that shit all over my car. I’m not spending a day cursing you while I attempt to get the tape off.
Happy Valentine’s Day!