DAD: Happy Tax Deduction Day!


There’s no shame in admitting that it’s one of the perks. SO…..To all the wonderful fathers, who love their children and are there for them…..

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

AND……….To the fathers who are deadbeats, don’t pay child support, don’t pay attention to their children, do unspeakable harm or are just plain nonexistent……I’m going to thank you for one thing.

Thanks for being a small part of the conception process, because despite you, there is someone (step-father, big brother, uncle, grandfather….), who loves and cherishes your child and has hopefully stepped in to fill your void.

SO……….this is to all you father figures as well!

 

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears.
Francis Bacon, Sr.

A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez


One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.
Anonymous

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Theodore M. Hesburgh

It is much easier to become a father than to be one.
Kent Nerburn

Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later… that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life.
Tom Wolfe

There are three stages of a man’s life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.
Author Unknown

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
Clarence Budington Kelland

It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
Anne Sexton

Tim Russert, Journalist
“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

Al Unser, Jr., Racecar Driver
“Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.”

Reed Markham, PhD
“Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.”

Bill Cosby, Comedian
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Jerry Lewis, Comedian
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'”

Charles Wadsworth, Musician
“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

Unknown
“A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Unknown

Harmon Killebrew, MLB Baseball Player
“My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass”; “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys”

Red Buttons, Actor, Comedian
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ”

Robert Frost, Writer
“The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother’s always a Democrat.

Dating Dads: DON’TS for Complete Morons


In case there is any confusion: I am not a licensed therapist. For that matter,  I’m not even an unlicensed therapist. I am not a bartender, a psychology major, or an expert on ANY topic. Everything you read (if you can), is based on personal experience. NO……I am not a transsexual. BUT…….I have a dad, my kids have a dad and I’ve dated someone’s dad. SO THERE!

  • DON’T: Introduce your new girlfriend to the kids, when mommy doesn’t even know the marriage isn’t working out.
  • DON’T: Tell your kids (while crying over the phone) you can’t spend Christmas with them because you are overseas.  AND then……Spend 2 weeks over the holidays with your new girlfriend in the states, while taking a detour less than an hour from where your kids live.
  • DON’T: Marry someone so they can get custody of their kids. Did it occur to you, she lost them for a reason? BUT……What a grand idea to make that “lady” your kid’s new mommy.
  • DONT: Get married to someone in secret and let your kids find out (over a year later) because they overheard you talking about it. If you are ashamed……Well? Can we say “red flag”?
  • DON’T: Use shameless methods to get your wife back, LIKE……Getting your kids excited about the brother or sister they are going to have when you and your estranged wife adopt. By the way, she never heard that idea.
  • DON’T: In the span of 3 weeks…….meet someone in person one time
    • decide you love them
    • buy a ring
    • tell your kids she is moving in
    • tell them you are getting married
    • plan a family vacation
    • tell the ex-wife all of this and tell her how awesome this person is
    • …….THEN…….One day later……find out she went to a casino with some guy via Facebook
    • decide you hate her
    • tell your kids what a tramp she is
    • send the ring back
    • cancel the family vacation
    • tell your kids it just didn’t work out
    • ……AND then…… Reassure your ex-wife that: this woman will not be in the children’s life, you are currently talking to 3 other women, your divorce from your estranged wife should be final in a few weeks……..SO…..….Everything is fine.
  • DON’T: Tell your kids you can’t take them out to dinner because their mom takes all your money.
  • DON’T: Send your kids to visit their mom for the summer and refuse to get them plane tickets back. WHY? Your girlfriend doesn’t like them and she already gave her daughter, your daughter’s room.
  • DON’T: Blame your kids for your break-up.

SO……For those morons out there, who do not need to be anyone’s dad: Keep it in your pants or wrap it up.

Don’t worry. If the times it takes you to find your tiny guy doesn’t give you ample time to change your mind…….THEN……I’m sure someone sells little condoms.

AND…..IF you are too moronic to remember or too busy listening to the little dude in your pants…..Just know……

Father’s Day may not be your holiday!

 

Haiku Sunday: Easter


Easter is now here

Christ and egg hunts do not mix

Candy cross children?

We missed church today

The kids do not understand

Bunnies rule today

Let’s celebrate life

With yellow marshmallow chicks

For death we roast them

Thanks for the rise dude

Hallmark is your biggest fan

You should make them tithe

Vikings: Raiding while philosophizing?


Many moons ago,  my Icelandic friend game me a book of sayings. The book, The Sayings of the Vikings, consists of short poems (proverbs/wisdom) translated into English. Let’s see if there is anything we can sink our teeth into as we approach another holiday destined to bring family and friends together to eat and argue.

 

Advice to a visitor:

When passing

a door-post,

watch as you walk on,

inspect as you enter.

It is uncertain

where enemies lurk

or crouch in a dark corner.

Sounds like a good warning against an elder, who spends a lot of time in the hospital. You never know when they might pee in a cup and throw it on you as you pass. I have to say: I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable going to a home where I would have to be so cautious. Let me guess, the invite reads “Bring a covered dish and weapon of choice.”

 

Attending a feast:

No man should call

himself clever

but manage his mind.

A sage visitor

is a silent guest.

The cautious evades evil.

Never a friend

more faithful,

nor great wealth, than wisdom.

Again, these Vikings must have had some interesting gatherings. Pass the dinosaur sized turkey leg and then await your beat down. Though, I am quite partial to guests that let me do all the talking.

 

Drinking:

Ale

has too often

been praised by poets.

the longer you drink

the less sense

your mind makes of things.

Of course poets praise alcohol, it makes their work appear more brilliant. I hope the Vikings aren’t discouraging drinking here, because we all know, the best moments are from dumb asses who drink too much. I really can’t see cutting this out of the agenda. It’s a must have for free entertainment. Make sure it’s BYOB to keep it free.

 

Self-Discipline:

The glutton does not guard himself

eats till he’s ill.

Wiser men

only mock

a fool’s fat belly.

Yeah, it’s pretty gross watching a guest eat until they vomit all over the dinner plates. It seems the Vikings are all for calling people out on their fatness though. Seems a little cruel, but…if the Vikings said it…………..

 

The Nature of Hospitality:

I would be invited

everywhere

if I needn’t eat at all.

Or if I left two hams

at the house of a friend

where I’ve eaten only one.

This sounds about right. I  prefer inviting those who bring things to eat, but don’t eat themselves. It’s a great way to save on groceries.

Valentine’s Day Schizophrenia


Many emotions and words left unsaid

Voice your true feelings

It’s too late when you’re dead

Sweet Love Passionate Love

Lust

Dying Love

 

 

No hope in hell for love.

Enough said!

Cheap Love: Courtesy of “The Coach”


I know what you’re thinking and I don’t blame you. A hooker on the street, who clearly needs dental work and a bath is not going to break the bank. They may break your no STD streak though, but only if that’s a concern to you. There’s also that person at work, who gets drunk off cough syrup and takes it all off for a chili dog at 7-11. BUT….I’m not talking about that. I’m back to America’s Romance Coach. Let’s give another round of sighs and gagging sounds to Gregory Godek. I found some really great and cheap ideas for romance out of his supposed bestselling book, 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC.

  • Run a bubble bath and have sex in the tub. Okay. Bubble baths can lead to urinary tract infections, which hurt like a mother fucker. Unless you want that intercourse to be your last for a while, don’t do it in the damn bubble bath.
  • Put a love letter in a bottle and leave it floating in the bathtub. Hmmmmmm? Isn’t the purpose romance? A message traveling miles upon miles and even years in the water, is mysterious and magical. This idea sucks big time. Why not just drop it in the toilet?
  • Speaking of which: Write notes on rolls of toilet paper. What a turn on. There’s nothing more I’d like than to put “I Love You.” on a sheet and then have my love wipe their ass with it. Seriously, is he joking?
  • Send her a copy of your résumé and attach a note saying you want to know her better. Fucking stupid. Enough said on that idea.
  • Give him a toy telephone with a note asking E.T to phone home more often. Wow! I bet he can hardly control the growth in his pants imagining a shriveled up alien, who looks like he’s in need of a neck circumcision.

“The Coach” also has some ideas strictly for the singles out there.

  • Pushing the résumé idea awfully hard again. Economic times are tough. So….Unless they can also offer you a job, don’t bother.
  • Celebrate the onset of her menstrual cycle with champagne. This is to celebrate the relief of the male and to ease the pain of the female. WTF! I would love to hear opinions on that idea.
  • When giving jewelry, never package it in a ring box unless it’s an engagement ring. Why ask for trouble? Okay. This jackass is just pissing me off now.

Here are some lovely thoughts for married couples.

  • In the middle of a party/event, whisper to your mate that they are the best. Why the whisper? Are you embarrassed or something? Wouldn’t it mean more if you said it out loud so others knew you meant it.
  • Frame your wedding license and hang it on the wall. I don’t know about romantic, but it’s a nice reminder that you’ll legally obligated to each other.
  • He also suggests: Making a small copy of your wedding license and putting it in your wallet next to your driver’s license. That way, when someone questions how anyone could be brain-dead enough to marry a dumbass like you, you can whip it out and prove someone was that brain-dead.

For the saps………….


I have the book 1001 Ways To Be ROMANTIC, which I was tempted to give to Goodwill (because everyone needs loving), but it’s great material. The author, Gregory J.P. Godek labels himself, America’s Romance Coach. I’ve never heard of him so I’m not sure how long he’s been coaching us, here in America. Do we have an American Olympic Romance Team? The book was published in 1995, but I don’t remember being on his team. Perhaps that’s why my first incarceration, I mean marriage, failed. If only I had Coach Godek on my side, perhaps my ex-cellmate wouldn’t have parked his car in so many garages and brought home unknown oil stains and grease. Perhaps if I had followed the suggestions, all 1001 of them, offered in “the book”, then things would’ve been different. NOW……Let’s get serious. No amount of romance is going to unwedge private parts or stir up feelings someone never had before. Romance is just the topping on the cake people. And yes, it can mean that kind of cake if you like…….disgusting gutter minded pigs!

It’s great, because the beginning of the book talks about the 2 kinds of romance being obligatory and optional. Wow! Give me some of that obligatory romance because it sounds awesome. Today is a day for that type of romance. Nothing says love more than someone telling you: “you have to”. I’m pretty sure I saw that in an episode of Criminal Minds.

In case anyone needs guidance, let’s explore some of Coach’s ideas and thoughts:

  • “Tune-in” to romantic opportunities: He says they are everywhere. We should look on the t.v., radio, in newspapers and magazines. We should even look in shop windows. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting porn out of that.
  • Overdo something: He suggests that if your “love” loves something, you should go overboard (ex: loves m&m’s…..buy 50 lbs). My hubby says he loves having alone time. I think I should go out for ice cream and never come back.
  • Give your partner choices. He suggests: fast or slow, now or later, large or small, modern or antique, public or private. Wow. What a pervy guy. So….I’m interpreting erect or not-erect, with me or not with me and young twenty year-old or nursing home candidate. HMMMMM?
  • He says romance is a balance between: actions speaking louder than words and it’s the thought that counts. WTF! Is Confucius here with some fucked up fortune cookie?
  • His thoughts on flowers: give one for every day you’ll be away if traveling, get to know your florist, put one in her purse or his briefcase, put one under the windshield wiper……Well, after you get to know your florist, I’ll assume you are traveling with her and when you get home, I’ll stick a thorny rose up your ass. That will be memorable.
  • His specific Valentine’s Day ideas: take this day off from work, send 20 cards to your love, greet him at the door wearing only a red ribbon, buy children’s valentines and fill the sink with them or tape them all over her car. Okay, so I’m love-sick? I’m sure the boss will understand. Can we say stalker? Why the woman and the ribbon? Men clearly have the hanger for proper bow placement. With the money it would cost for that many kid’s valentine’s, I’d rather buy a bunch of tequila, a few bags of sand,  put on a horribly fitting bikini and play drunken “spring break” sex with my hubby. You better not put that shit all over my car. I’m not spending a day cursing you while I attempt to get the tape off.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Let’s pretend it’s not just an ordinary day.


BUT…..Let’s face it. It is. I can put a dress on a duck and it’s still a duck. It may be a really fucked up looking duck and you will wonder why the hell it has a dress on, but nonetheless, it’s still a duck. SO……Today is Tuesday on my calendar, but to others it is the magical and sometimes despised holiday known as Valentine’s Day. Yeah…..

  • For a secret love, today might be a great day to express it. Expressing your deep love and admiration every day could appear romantic, but more than likely, it will appear creepy and questionable. Of course, there may be a really good reason to keep it a secret: they’re married, you’re a sociopath, you’re related to them or you look like Quasimodo. Now, I’m not judging. There’s nothing wrong with a correctly placed hump.
  • For a new love of a year or less and definitely before marriage, this holiday is a chance to still seem worth keeping. The typical card with chocolate, flowers and perhaps a dinner date shows that you can follow a simple game plan. That means, you are trainable and therefore, a possible keeper. BUT…….If you are doing dinner without a reservation on this day, then be ready to wait for hours, giving your intended love plenty of time to realize they weren’t that important and that’s the shit they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
  • For a love that is going on several years or into marriage, well you’re lucky. You don’t have to do a damn thing more than you’ve done all along, even if that’s nothing. Your mate has either accepted the love you do give and they’re okay with it or they have settled for less than and don’t seem to mind that either. Sometimes you get tired and you just need a place to sit and rest your legs. The heart is no different. NOW……That doesn’t mean they won’t bitch about your lack of effort to their friends, because they will. They’ll admit they told you not to do anything, but later will be pissed as hell when you don’t. AND……if you do something, it will be magical and wonderful, until you fuck something up (forget to take out the trash) or morning comes, whichever is first.

TODAY AT MY HOUSE:

Baby: He doesn’t know what’s going on.

Son: He prayed he would get the stomach virus that’s going around and not have to go to school today. His prayer was answered with a big “Okay”. Why the prayer? He’s eleven and sent a candygram to a girl. It finally hit him that his friends will not let this one rest. He’s hoping tomorrow will be better. I hate to tell him……it won’t.

Daughter: She got all dressed up in various shades of red and pink. She did her nails and asked if she could wear pink eyeshadow to school. She’s nine. That was a big fat “NO!” to her request. She was a little too excited about school today. Who is this boy?

Hubby and Myself: He asked about our Valentine’s plans. I said we don’t have any. I told him I didn’t get him anything, so he doesn’t need to worry about it. He smiled and said he will do something. I acted like I didn’t care, but as I said earlier……………………….

Personally, We don’t like to go all out on this day. We don’t even want to “let the waist out” just a little. See….If we go all out, we will be too exhausted. We’ll  have to rest and save our energy for the other 364 days. BUT…….If we strike a nice balance between good days and bad days, then it’s all good. Besides, our legs are tired. We found a nice place to sit and rest. We aren’t going anywhere.

Reheated Leftovers: Like the networks, enjoy the rerun!


He’s not my friend. He’s my husband

October 27th, 2011

 Disclaimer: If you and your spouse are besties, you may be offended by this.  Too fucking bad.

I  hear a lot of people say their spouse is their best friend. On Facebook, there are a myriad of posts announcing “On this day blah, blah years ago, I married my best friend.” I just can’t relate. First of all, I’m not twelve anymore. I can’t afford to have only one best friend. My friends have spouses, kids, jobs and other friends. I’d be very lonely if I waited for my one best friend to be available………and quite frankly……..a bit pathetic and needy. Can we say Single White Female? (Look it up if you don’t get the reference.) I have several really great friends. I don’t live in the right state to be married to more than one of them. So I’m out on legality alone.

Let’s get down to it. None of my great friends have penises. Some of them carry their spouses balls around from time to time, but that’s it. After my own experiences with guys I thought were my best friends, I realize that a true-best friendship between men and women is really not possible (sexual tension is a bummer). I know someone will disagree with that, but I’m here to tell you….”I’m right and you’re wrong.” The exception would be if one is a homosexual. So at this point, my husband has a penis and is absolutely not a homosexual. So far, the friend thing is looking bleak.

Vacations with friends can be great. I’m still friends with the ones I’ve traveled with. We returned to our corners. My friends would agree. They don’t want to live with me either. Needless to say, my husband and I go on vacation with friends to get away from each other. Plus, we can’t afford more than one house and who’d be stuck with the kids? Friends also share clothing, shoes and jewelry. I wouldn’t be married to a man I could do this with. And the tampon thing………. total deal breaker if he had his own supply.

When I need to vent about married life, I bitch with my best friends. That so would not work if that person was my husband. I think I know whose fucking side he’d be on. My friends are great. They tell it like it is and give me their unbiased opinions about crap. My husband needs to tell me what I want to hear and give me my opinion. I’m his damn wife. He better be biased. Friends also show an interest in your stuff, or at least pretend to. We aren’t dating anymore. I don’t give a crap about his high score on XBox and he doesn’t give a shit about my recent decoupage project.

I enjoy my friendships because I have a husband to come home to. I enjoy my husband because I have great friends to be myself with. The bottom line is: I can never be friends with my spouse. There are too many factors working against us. Besides, I don’t have sex with my friends and I’m not willing to trade the best fucking, non-love making, mind-blowing sex of my life for friendship. We’re married. Isn’t that good enough!??!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!