Cooking and singing lead to sex talk.


SO…….Thing 1 (12-years-old) was watching reality television with me last night. It doesn’t seem surprising that reality TV would lend itself to sexual issues, but we weren’t  watching Bad Girls or The Bachelor/ette. AND…….Big Brother doesn’t come on for a few more months. I thought I was safe, but clearly, I was wrong.

WE WERE WATCHING:

images[3]

On this show,  aspiring or established chefs compete with merely the taste of their food to get who the hell knows what.  Seriously,  I haven’t gotten far enough into the show to care. BUT……..Last night a woman said the judges would have a mouth orgasm when they tasted her food. For a second, I thought it had escaped him. Then, Thing 1 asks: “What’s an orgasm?”

imagesCA1HQ1RS

Suddenly, I’m in an awkward position. Do I pretend I don’t hear him and change the subject? Do I tell him not to worry about it and forget he heard that word? THEN……. I think about him asking some kid in school who eats his own earwax. What the fuck is that dude gonna say? Do I really want my kid asking dumbasses at school what shit means? Hells no!!

imagesCA484KMY

That won’t work! I don’t want to be the cause of kids around America substituting the word imagination with masturbation.

imagesCAT4CCH2

Oh my goodness. I definitely don’t want to go there.

ME: You don’t need to say that word. It’s a sex word.

Thing 1: Oh?

ME: It has to do with feeling good.

Thing 1: (looks at me as if to need more information)

ME: Boys your age or a bit older can make themselves feel good all on their own in the privacy of their room.

Thing 1: (red faced and clearly uncomfortable….) Okay mom. I’m good. Let’s stop talking about this now.

After that little adventure, WE MOVED ON TO:

images[5]

On of the girls trying out was a young single mom. She began talking about her struggles being so young and raising a child on her own.

Thing 1: That was really dumb not waiting to have a kid. People should wait.

ME:  (pumped up from my previous little convo) I don’t think it was thought out. Things like that happen when people are too busy having fun and not being careful.

Thing 1: Well, I’m never going to do stuff like that.

ME: You say that now, but you’ll see a girl some day and get really excited about touching her boobies and that will lead to something else.

Thing 1: (uncomfortable laughing)

ME: Don’t do something stupid and mess up your life or some girl’s life. Be good or be safe.

Thing 1: Okay. I’m not going to do anything.

ME: Well…..If you aren’t smart, the best case…..you get an infection that requires the doctor. It’s possible you get some girl pregnant and then life as you know it……bye, bye. Worst case is a disease that kills you. It might take a few years, but you’ll die. Just saying.

Thing 1: I’m going to bed mom. (….20 minutes earlier than his bedtime)

OKAY……..So who wants me to talk to their kids about the birds and the bees? What about sex stuff?

Are you giving me the pregnant eye?


My first thought is: “Not in a million years!”.

Kissing this dude would be like giving oral sex to my dryer’s lint tray.

Someone, out there, reading this, knows for sure.

AND….some, might be turned on, but I digress.

Crazy fetish?

My second thought is: Smashup!”

I want to do what Reese’s did for peanut butter and chocolate.

Say what?

imagesCAV6BZGE

Idea: Let’s put two things together and make something magical.

Condoms and Glasses

Still don’t see where this is going?

imagesCAK2LISIimagesCAAKRLRZ

Condom Glasses!

(Please help me come up with a wonderful name for this new product.)

They deploy at the exact moment of visual arousal.

Why do we need these you ask?

Condom Glasses_edited-1

For those women, you know the ones……..

”I get pregnant every time someone looks at me.”

imagesCAG8HZIA 

We have to have some type of protection, some type of birth control for men  who have the power to release microscopic sperm from their eyes.  This is quite an epidemic people. It  is also quite reckless. It’s astonishing how many children are brought into this world because someone looked at their momma in the wrong way. What’s even more disturbing is this: How does that child even know who his/her daddy is? It’s going to take a retinal scan on the Maury Povich show to straighten that shit out. AND seriously……The chances of finding the “baby daddy” are pretty slim. God help you if you are identified as giving someone “the pregnant eye”. You can look forward to child support for that kid and probably hundreds more. If you are capable of giving the pregnant eye to one, then chances are, you’ve given it to another.  Aren’t their enough excuses to put kids in therapy without adding this to the list?

SO…Let’s come up with a fabulous name.

Let’s get this product out in the world.

AND…Let’s start protecting ourselves.

I wonder what the Sharks would think?

imagesCABATMA9

 

Should mullets make a comeback?


I’m going to let someone else entertain you today. I’d like to breakdown your brain cells by exposing you to my inappropriate friend Stirling and his equally damaged partner in comedy.

Wild Mullet Kingdom: Episode 1 “The Capture” (Uncensored)

Michael Jackson: Newly Released Phone Call from 1995


SO……..I stumbled upon the oddest thing. I found (in my twisted mind) a transcript of a phone call between Michael Jackson and some chick. That in itself is odd…..I know! BUT……It’s crazy, because the phone call uses every song title from his albums:

OFF THE WALL (1979)

THRILLER (82)

BAD (87)

DANGEROUS (91)

HISTORY (95)

INVINCIBLE (01)

……..and the ULTIMATE COLLECTION (04)

Michael: Little Susie,  or whatever your name is. You are a P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing). We’ve known each other since my Childhood, which means, we met yesterday and I know my genitals say we should Just Good Friends, but I want you to be The Lady In My Life, at least for enough time to get busy.

Girl: Say, Say, Say what you want, but not This Time Around. I don’t know if I can trust youI Can’t Help It, my last boyfriend was a Cheater, and it’s Human Nature to want to take things slow.

Michael: Come on. Baby Be Mine! I need to prove to the world that you aren’t just some Stranger In Moscow that I made up. People think I’m In The Closet and there’s Another Part Of Me I’m trying to hide from the world. I’m trying to Heal The World one child at a time. There’s no Monkey Business going on, except for that one I have at home.

Girl: I ain’t no Tabloid Junkie, but I’m a Superfly Sister and I don’t need to be caught up in no Carousel. So, maybe you aren’t with The Man child they pictured you with, but what about B.J?

Michael: I like those.

Girl: No! The girl.

Michael: Billie Jean is not my Girlfriend. Hell, she isn’t even my lover. She’s just a Street Walker that I felt Bad for. She was Working Day And Night for hardly any Money. I swear we never had sex. I just Beat It a few times in front of her when she talked about The Lost Children. That’s HIStory.

Girl: Okay. What about D.S.? You know…the dirty slut? I’m not going to Rock With You if you Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ with her. I’m freaking Speechless. She goes commando and plugless when she’s on her period and gets Blood On The Dance Floor. She is straight up nasty.

Michael: You mean Dirty Diana? She’s Out of My Life. We spent a few days to Come Together. We experimented with 2000 Watts, played a few rounds of Someone Put Your Hand Out and invited a few friends over to Jam in with me.  It was intense. the experience made me Cry, gave me Butterflies, and required more Privacy than anyone should be allowed. I felt Threatened. I saw Ghosts. I became Scared Of The Moon. I took Morphine and something called Speed Demon until the Break Of Dawn. I thought I could Fly Away, but then, I thought, Heaven Can Wait. I mean….if I even go there. The stench was so bad when we were done, The owner said: “We have to Burn This Disco Out”.

Girl: You Can’t Let Her Get Away or you will let her Ease On Down The Road? Pick one!

Michael: You have to understand. She Drives Me Wild, but You Rock My World. You are fooled by the Man In The Mirror I’m pretending to be. I Just Can’t Stop Loving You for being so stupid. You Are My Life. Don’t Walk Away. I’m begging you. It’s The Way You Make Me Feel. Is this too soon? Is It Scary?

Girl: The Girl Is Mine, she’s not mine! Whatever! I’m getting whiplash here. Remember The Time I called you and you said you were home with Bubbles laying in the chamber together? Well, a Sunset Driver told me he saw you out with that Liberian Girl?

Michael: Bull crappy! It was a boy with long hair!

Girl: That’s even worse! He saw you Get On the Floor and get a Thriller. And he heard you yell: “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”! Then he jumped back over the security wall at Neverland Ranch.

Michael: Wait! Were you following me? I thought I saw Someone In The Dark. Girl, that shit is Dangerous. I don’t care if you’re Black Or White. That place is Off The Wall. You can Scream and SHOUT and no one’s gonna do a damn thing. Get It?

Smooth Criminal everywhere you look? Besides, I’ve never done anything inappropriate with anyone, who wasn’t legally unable to consent,  intimidated, or influenced by my fame and “assumed”, but ever-diminishing wealth.  Why You Wanna Trip On Me?

Girl: Oh my God. Your ability to live in an alternate universe is Unbreakable. It’s The Falling In Love with the wrong things that freaks me out. I mean really, the Elephant Man’s skeleton? And no one ever believed the relationships with Brooke and Lisa Marie. Please just Leave Me Alone.

Michael: I’m Invincible and you are no Heartbreaker, but the good news…..You Are Not Alone.  I will let this phone call slide and give you Once More Chance. You should just Give In To Me. The Way You Love Me doesn’t matter because I’m the King of Pop and Whatever Happens, You Can’t Win. The truth is, the world’s people, They Don’t Care About Us celebrities. They just care how we fuck up and if we are Gone Too Soon. So, let’s say you put a Smile on your face. Marry me. Give me what I want. I will write some crappy Earth Song, make millions and then we can split once We’ve had Enough.

Girl: Well…..when you put it that way. So……Will You Be There?

Michael: Hell no! I won’t even let my sperm be there. I found a donor for us.

Girl: Who is it? They aren’t 2 Bad, right?.

Michael: Keep The Faith. This isn’t Bubbles first rodeo.

***Telephone transcript between Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe.***

Jeremie Mouithsone: Who?


SO……Here is a letter I received in my inbox last night.

 

Hello,

My name is Jeremie Mouithsone, I’m launching a guys and girl’s go-to magazine for everything from the coolest new sex advice to the most powerful sexual attraction tips; our aim is arm men and women with the tools to create and live a better sex life, and have more fun doing it.

(OKAY……I googled his name and found a lot. A lot of stuff he created for himself, to promote who knows what, with no follow through. His public Facebook page has a lovely “going to prom” pic though.)

Objectives:

The primary objectives of Sexthismonth magazine will be to provide readers with personalize tips and advice related to their sexual experiences (If they already had it, then isn’t it too late? I don’t think these situations are suited for armchair quarterbacking.), in order to help them achieve the following goals:
Create the sexual experience they desire and deserve.
Eliminate sexual barriers that may be holding them back. (Like a family and kids?)
Providing them with ways to not only enjoy, but adore their bodies, as well their partner’s bodies. (TIP: Don’t look at yourself in dressing room mirrors. For that matter….Just don’t look. Lights out and blindfold on. You’d be amazed how great your partner will look.)
Harmonize, and as well as creating sparks back into relationships and marriages.

The magazine website is under development as we speak: www.sexthismonth.com

(The shell of a site does exist.)

First publication: January 1, 2013/ digital version.

We are looking for contributors for the upcoming magazine and its website, and because of your expertise we would like to ask if you’ll consider joining our contributors team. We’ve had a look at your work, and feel that your expertise would make for a great submission!

(I would love to know what expertise he believes I have. You know…..He must have talked to my Indian friend about our sexual conversation. Perhaps my expertise involves yelling expletives at solicitors on the phone. That is hot! BUT……He said he has looked at my work. I’m pretty sure my husband took those pics off of YouTube.)

Below is a short explanation of why you should join our contributors team.

Why join the team:

The site will grow fast and your contribution will give you a good exposure, as your contents is seen by millions of people. Our aim is to provide users with personalize and high quality articles everyday and we need your help to make this a reality.

(WELL…..Although your language skills are amazing, and the exposure you are offering is tempting, I don’t think I would be able to provide millions of people with personalize articles. That’s a lot of personalize to do.)

 

Were will the magazine be first seen by readers?

The magazine will first be release online (digital version) and via the following channels.
At our website: http://www.sexthismonth.com
iPhone
iPad
www.magzeter.com
www.magcloud.com (Awesome…..I created a magazine when I was twelve. I published (in my home with notebook paper/pencil/crayon) 3 issues, which I sold for a nickel and that was just to read them. I still have them. Maybe I’ll publish them and give you some healthy competition.)

http://www.issuu.com

One of the above channels will provide readers with an option of getting a print version of the issue they’re willing to purchase.

 

Benefits of Joining the team:
Your article will be featured for readers to see. (I suppose if they print it out, they could also use my article for toilet tissue.)
You can promote your own portfolio, website, along with your biography in the Author Information box at the end of each post, in both website and its monthly publication. (Hmmmmmm……You sure know how to tempt a girl.)
You’ll have an opportunity to both own our company shares, and a monthly salary as soon as the magazine start generating revenue. (SO……I see there is an opportunity in the future for me to PAY you for some shares. Sounds like a solid investment. OH…..And how awesome a salary would be, but the magazine has to generate revenue. I wonder when you’ll decide that will be??!!??)

Our aim is to create a focus-oriented strategy for all contents, which will give you an opportunity to become an expert in a particular field in the long-term. ( I thought I was an expert already? So you’re saying, If I have a focus-oriented strategy for my content, then I will become an expert in a particular field and long-term. IF that’s the case, I think I should write about medicine or law. There’s a lot more money to be had once I’m a medical or legal expert.)

 

What’ll be included in each articles:
Full Name / First Name: depending what you prefer to be know as. (I prefer to sign things CHUMP.)
Web site URL: you don’t have to have a website, you can link to your twitter or any other social media account
Bio: a short piece of text describing who you are and what you do.
Gravatar: if you don’t have a gravatar you should sign up, its a free service that will benefit any posts or comments you make, and show a small picture of yourself so readers can easily identify you.

What kind of content are we looking for?
Sexual, Erotic, romance articles that readers will always remember. (I can’t remember all my sexual experiences, but you think someone will remember an article on sex?)
Foods and meals that boost sexual desires. (Lots of alcohol.)
Sport tips that boost sexual desires. (Ass slapping! Oh wait…..athletes already do that, but I don’t think it turns them on, or does it?)
Fashion for sexual attraction (T-shirts that say: “I’m an easy lay.” or “I’m on the pill.” or “I’m still a virgin.” AND……for women…..”I have a job.” or “I promise to remember your name.” or “I’m not married.”)
sex tutorials, and more. (Those are in my private collection.)

When will the first issue be published?
The first publication is schedule for January 1, 2013, whiele we’re working on its website. With that being, in order to get more understand our what our audience needs (I thought they needed sex stuff.)
and want may look like in the futre we’ll therefore release a mini version of the first issue latest August 31, 2012. This means, we’ll need you to provide with your contribution latest June 15, should you decide to proceed. (Oh crap, it looks like you sent me this email 5 days too late. I can’t believe I’m going to miss out on this great opportunity. I can’t submit something to you, have you possibly post it, tell me there are tons of subscribers ready to buy in January and then ask me for money to buy some shares. Meanwhile…..This thing never sees the light of day and I lose my money. Damn…..I really wish I could be on this gravy train.)

Contribution timetable:
And below are some of the options we think my might work best for the both of us:
1. One article per month for the magazine issue delivered to me by the 15 of the month, every month, 800 words per article.
2. One articles per month delivered on an agreed date for the website, 1000 words per article every month.

We would send you an agreement for you to sign as soon as we have your final say. (I have seen your twitter and MySpace page and all the other stuff you opened for yourself. You are too much like the mighty OZ. I don’t think we run in the same circles and I’m not good at the hamster wheel……….SO………..I’ll have to decline. I wouldn’t want to bring the quality of your ventures to an all-time low.)

Thank you again for consedering being part of the team and we definitely look forward to working with you! ( That’s flattering. You may want to check out your FB page though. It seems that someone isn’t too happy to be working with you. He wants his money back for some ads and so do his friends. It sucks to have trouble in paradise so early on. That’s the price you pay when you are a media mogul.)

Wishing you all the best,
Jeremie Mouithsone

(Wishing you the best too. Can I have some spam with that?)

Engaged in foreplay and I had no clue.


OMG! This is an awkward follow-up to my earlier posting Outsourcing scams to India: Would they sound sweeter with Bollywood Music?   Read First!!!!

NOW…….There was not supposed to be a follow-up, but those mothers called me back again. They are relentless. I could have just hung up, but I wanted to ask them some more questions to frustrate them. SO……..The call was very similar to the first one in the beginning.

WARNING…….It ain’t pretty and it ain’t censored.

The conversation was like the other one until everything I said was met with:

Scammer: Just go to your computer ma’am and I will fix it.

Lorre: Your customer service sucks. You keep telling me what to do, but you won’t answer any of my questions. I’m not going to sit at my computer and do anything until you tell me what is wrong and what will happen if I don’t fix it.

Scammer: Ma’am, hold on. I get my super. Hold on.

Scammer Boss: Ma’am. Your computer has been sending us errors messages. Just sit at your computer and do what we tell you.

Lorre: Your customer service is crap too. Stop telling me what I should do and answer my questions.  How long has my computer been sending you these messages?

(after several times of rephrasing the same question…this is what I got in return)

Scammer Boss: Since you bought it.

Lorre: Since I bought it?

Scammer Boss: Yes.

Lorre: Well, I don’t need you to fix it then. I’ll just return it. I should just return it right?

Scammer Boss: Yes.

Lorre: Okay. So I will return it. What is the name of your company so I can tell them who said my computer was malfunctioning?

Scammer Boss: Ma’am. Just return it and when you get a new one, we’ll call back for your computer problem.

Lorre: But if I get a new one, why will I have a problem? So what is the name of your company again?

Scammer Boss: Okay. Don’t return it. We fix it.

Lorre: Okay. You want me to give you access to my computer and then you will fix it.

Scammer Boss: No. We will not have access.

Lorre: So….I’m not going to put in some commands and then you will have control of my computer and be able to download things.

Scammer Boss: Well yes we will. We will have a Microsoft technician go in and fix it.

Lorre: First of all. No! You aren’t from Microsoft and I’m not letting you in my computer so you can put malware on it, viruses or get my personal info. I’m not a dumbass.

Scammer Boss: Ma’am this is very important. You need to sit down to your computer and listen. This problem is very serious. Now go sit at your computer!

Lorre: I know this is a scam and again….take me off your damn list. This is the second call today.

Scammer Boss: This is an important call about your computer. Just sit down so we tell you the problem!

Lorre: I already wrote about you on the internet once today. I guess I’ll have to do it again.

(Then he said something I couldn’t understand.)

Lorre: Excuse me.

Scammer Boss: I fuck you.

Lorre: What!?!

Scammer Boss: I fuck you. I fuck you tonight.

Lorre: You sick mother fucker! My husband would blow your fucking head off.

Scammer Boss: Oh yeah, well I fuck you. I fuck you.

Lorre: You wish you sick son of a bitch! You’d be fucking dead! (He is saying something, but I’m yelling over him.) You pathetic piece of shit with your crappy ass job! Con artist! Great fucking career choice dumbass. Go fuck yourself tonight you goddamn loser!

HANG UP!!!!!

Wow…..I don’t know about you, but someone needs a cold shower!

Teen Pregnancy: Brilliance or Dumbass Mistake?


Here I am, 42 years old with a 20 month old. When he’s 18, I’ll be……well…….old. My energy is not what it once. SO…..I was thinking about those teen moms.

  • You have something interesting to post on Facebook.
  • You get to go shopping for more clothes.
  • Easy to lose weight and get girlie figure back.
  • If parents willing
    • room and board (you and child)
    • continue education
    • free child care
    • can pass the buck
  • Lot’s of energy to play with your child.
  • You will be super stoked to get your license and won’t care you have to drive them around.
  • You can help them with schoolwork since they won’t be far behind.
  • Someone close in age to hang with (you will still embarrass them).
  • Pretty much gone when you are 35 or so……

 

Hmmmmmmm? I’d say those girls were onto something, but let’s face it…….they only thing they were onto was a guy’s unwrapped noodle. I wonder if the money saved in condoms was less than the child support? Hmmmmmmmmm? Yep! Dumbass Mistake!

Mystery of conception……duh!


I  can’t resist. I heard some people talking about the magic and mystery of conception. Now…I’m not going to get into a religious, spiritual or physiological discussion here. I do have some theories though. Bear with me. This can get complicated.

How did this happen? Someone:

  • fucked
  • got laid
  • copulated
  • had sexual intercourse
  • screwed
  • shagged
  • made love

The true mystery is not how this happened, but why this happened.

Why did this happen?

  • Too embarrassed to buy condoms.
  • Took your pill, but thought that meant vitamins or Ecstasy.
  • For a moment, you thought having a kid in highschool would be cool, like having a miniature dog in your purse.
  • Hell….you can’t even remember who.
  • Because __(fill in drink of choice)__
  • Someone double dogged dared you
  • You wanted kids. BORING!
  • Tax deduction. SMART!
  • Child Labor at Home. SMARTER!
  • To save a relationship. With kids? Wow, did you take a wrong turn.
  • You weren’t thinking.
  • Your religion tells you to procreate….a lot. This is great for you, because you also say God will provide. I don’t have sex to procreate, I guess that’s why my husband has to work.
  • Someone said you’d make a crappy parent. Proving em’ wrong are we? How’s that working out?
  • Everyone else was doing it.

I hope I was able to shed some light on some of the mystery, at least for one person out there. I can’t promise great, life-changing or factual results, but I’ll be happy to help with any further mysteries you bring to my attention.

Just in case: This is for humor purposes only and not intended to hurt anyone.

The Bar


For hours you tried to get me

Wanted alive or dead

Anything to have me

Lying in your bed

Instead of being patient

Or even being kind

You pulled out your wallet

To bargain for my time

Finally you found your table

And you left me alone

I could still feel your stare

I prayed you’d go home

I ordered a few drinks

Then turned to where you were

Fascinated by your style

Why, I wasn’t sure

As the liquor flowed through me

Drowning my brain

The thought of having sex with you

Wasn’t that insane

Maybe it was the smoke-filled room

That made you look so good

Or maybe I took some poison

Hidden in my food

Now I’m ready to be with you

As sad as it is to take

The alcohol speaks for me

Don’t let me be sober when I awake