Throwback Thursday? How about Bludgeon Thursday instead?


In honor of Throwback Thursday, I thought I’d throw back a few old posts.

How many you ask?

245

As many of you already know, all of my original posts were temporarily removed in order to wipe my blog slate clean for my public declaration regarding my walk with Christ. Temporarily removing my work was merely a way to eliminate any distractions from new readers.

With that being said……I prayed about it. Agree or not, I’ve put back all my original work. There is no editing of content in posts or comments.

There are many reasons for just slapping everything back up as is.

  1. Editing? Ain’t nobody got time for that. With 245 posts? What a waste of valuable time! It would literally be my life’s work. An unknown’s comfort level is not worth my children starving and my hygiene hitting rock bottom.
  2. It’s all me.  I am not ashamed of me. I’m not ashamed of me in the past, present or well……the future would be a hard one to put in here. I am who I am today because of who I was yesterday and all those other days too. Pretending it didn’t exist in writing because of curse words, brutal honesty or sexual innuendos would be denying a history. If you forget where you’ve been, how do you know if you’ve gone anywhere?
  3. I keep everything I write. It’s like keeping old photographs. It’s how I express myself and it’s all relevant to me.
  4. If I am going to be judged for this decision, it won’t be by you, or you, or you. I say that with the utmost respect.

Now….I’m sorry, but I didn’t go through the posts to see which ones contained a PG versus a PG-14 rating, or which ones had strong language.

SOLUTION:

I suggest you use caution when navigating….or….make the choice to stay with the new stuff. I can’t be responsible for any stumbling or falling off the wagon that might take place. Although, I don’t think I have that type of influence. And.I can’t apologize to people who decide to explore my previous content and then get offended or displeased about anything. My blog was born out of self-expression. It thrived on absurdity, humor, sarcasm, brutal honesty and full-blown emotional venting.  It’s an evolution of my mind. Kind of like an episode of hoarders, but with words instead of a collection of old papers, electronics and old McDonald’s toys.

IN A NUTSHELL:

PAST/PRESENT/FUTURE - I stand by my content, although not everyone will always love my approach. I will continue to be honest and direct and because I am flawed, I will continue with the personal TMI. Keeping it real people. Keeping it real.

Taking my bow before the intervention takes place.


Apparently, Twindaddy isn’t doing such a hot job of hiding his crack addiction. How do I know? Well……He gave me the ABC Award. That’s how. Awesome Blog Content! Seriously?

Clearly, only a crack addict would think such nonsense. But hey……..You gotta be loved by somebody, right??!!??

Per this award, one has to list (by alphabet) things that are relevant to them. I’m sure I’m supposed to pass this on to others, but I suck at getting awards now.

In the beginning of blogging, I was all like: “OMG! How do I get one of those awards?” and then it was like “OMG! Someone gave me an award. I’m going to put out a rocking post to thank them and pay it forward.” and then it became “OMFG!!! I can’t keep up with this shit. I can barely get my brain to put out a semi-shitless post, let alone another acceptance piece.” and now it’s like “Thank the fucking lord everyone knows I’m a slackass and they barely bother to read my stuff, let alone praise me for it.”

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the thought, but I’m a slacker with reciprocating. Kind of like some people with oral sex!

Please go to STUPHBLOG and read 26 Things to see who else his cracked-out self passed the award to.

So…..Before the intervention takes place, he gets cleans and takes this away from me, I better get on with the getting on. Here are the 26 things relevant to my life currently.

A: Avocados (Great!)

B: Bacon (I wish I could eat it 24/7.)

C: Cute One (He rocks!)

D: Divorce (1. Great babysitter.  2. Great therapy.   3. Great weight loss plan.)

E: Evenings (Things finally settle down and I can relax.)

F: Friends (Enough said!)

G: God (Shocking, but true!)

H: Hubby (We’re forever, like herpes.)

I: Intercourse (…with hubby)

J: Java (IV please!)

K: Karma (It’s a bitch! I watch it in others like a train wreck.)

L: Laughter (It’s like breathing.)

M: Mysteries (books, shows or movies.)

N: Narcissists (Entertaining poison we can’t eradicate, yet.)

O: Orgasms (Note the “s” at the end. I love my husband.)

P: Poetry (Word Therapy)

Q: Quality (My absolute favorite word….meaning and sound.)

R: Randomness (The kids keep me guessing and on my toes.)

S: Strength Training (My weekly routine I can’t do without.)

T: Things 1, 2 and 3 (Tax deductions!)

U: United States (Well….I live in it and it’s pretty cool mostly.)

V: Vacation (Two days from now, I’ll be cruising.)

W: Writing (Love, love, love it, even if I don’t always do it.)

X: XM Radio (My music. My way.)

Y: You (Yeah you. Thanks for reading this.)

Z: Zoo…..I live in one.

So…..Those are my relevant things. I don’t know if I shocked or amazed you, but I did hold you hostage for a bit, and that’s pretty cool.

Sorry about not passing this on, but I’ve never been good at sharing the bottle. Please give this award to yourself! We can change the meaning to Absolute Blog Crazy if you like mine. Guilty pleasure or your version of a train wreck? I don’t care, as long as you’re here.

And……Sorry for being a selfish blog lover. I promise to reciprocate. I just want to make sure I’m able to properly swallow all of the words first. It would be humiliating to choke on them.

Facehooking: Quickie or Bust


I haven’t been around much lately. NOT much blogging and not much/if any blog reading. BUT……My Facebook friends have seen too much of me lately.

imagesCA0ZU4XD (Thanks Google Images)

WHY No Bloggie?

  • I enrolled in an online training course. I have a year to complete this, but I am trying to finish in 6 months. Momma is looking for a paycheck.
  • I am now a coach for the Special Olympics. I know, right??!!?? What the hell were they thinking?
  • I’m thinking of writing other things.( need to send to a beautiful Red person) Seriously…..I am spending a lot of time thinking.
  • I started Zumba classes. Let the laughter begin.
  • I suck at time management.
  • When I have free time: I try to have sex. And if he’s home…..my spouse is included.  I try to sleep. I bathe and spend time putting on and taking off clothing, but mostly for myself.

SO……..WHY  do I have time for Facehooking you ask? You probably didn’t ask , but we’re going to pretend you give a fuck.

imagesCAKBZHB4(Thanks Google Images)

WHY BE a Facehooker?

  • The money is good. Oh……Sorry. Wrong hooking job came to mind.
  • I can quickly and mindlessly tab over while studying online.
  • I get a bit of a blog fix. BUT……Only a speck.

Here’s some crap I’ve put on Facebook in my blog absence.

imagesCAIXRBX0(Thanks Google Images)

STATUS UPDATES:

  • FaceHookers: It’s a personal choice, but I personally can’t wrap my brain around the buffet of men’s facial hair. Seriously…I look at your mouth and feel violated. Did I just walk into some chick’s appointment for a much needed landscape/wax job? Oh no, it’s just your lips moving creepily inside a disturbing display of hair follicles. (My ex inspired this one. He has some goatee-mustache smashup going on. Also, he dyed his growth black to cover his gray, which is interesting, since that is not his original hair color. Needless to say…….He is bald up top, so this growth around his mouth looks like a hairy vagina.)
  • Zumba Observations:
    Wearing jeans to class…..Really?
    What’s with doing zumba with a blow pop in your mouth? Is it a test to see if you can perform BJs while on the dance floor? (I honestly thought she was smoking at first. Clearly, the decision to go to an exercise class was made after she got dressed and left the house.)
  • Hey, people in love, who claim they fell at first sight?
    Good thing your love had a personality to back up the visual. OR……Wouldn’t you have felt silly? (This shit cracks me up. First sight….That means visual you bitches. Let’s just say our shallow self lucked out on this one.)
  • Ann Coulter looks and sounds like an over-aged shot girl, who drank all the profits. Listening to her unintelligent ramblings/inaccuracies makes it clear how she got in and graduated from law school. (She can stick the ‘R” word up her ass.)
  • My son, looking out for the taxpayers: “Why does Cowboy always have to go to court? Can’t he stop arresting people and just throw them in the river?” (He’s going to be a fucking politician.)
  • SEX PLAN for (not-so-newly) Married Men:
    Set Mood: Do/Help with mundane chores around house. (We hate them too)
    Foreplay: Don’t argue with us. (We know when we’re wrong. We just don’t want you to tell us.)
    Main Event: Must last longer than the time it took for you to take off/pull down your pants. Don’t grunt and don’t shout yes as if we asked you a question.
    Afterwards: Go away. Spooning feels like a hot flash. We need to sleep, watch t.v or get on FB. (Enough said.)
  • When the world comes crashing down on you, just know that I’m here……thinking……”I’m glad I wasn’t standing beside you.” (Possible fortune cookie submission?)
  • Talking to Thing 3 and Thing’s Friend:
    Friend: (not happy) We have to healthy lunches because of Mrs. Obama
    Thing 3: Yeah. The pizza isn’t good.
    Me: Kids in America have serious health issues…(blah, blah, blah) We didn’t have any of the stuff you all have. We played outside.
    Thing 3: Well you had those big cell phones right?
    Me: No. And…..only the 3 channels on our TV. The shows went from toons, to news, games shows, soaps, news again and primetime.
    Friend: I can’t hear anymore of this. You are freaking me out.
    Thing 3: Maybe we should play outside?
    Friend: Outside is boring. There’s no electronic part to it. (If you don’t like healthy food, you might want to seriously reconsider having Mrs. Obama stay in the White House for 4 more years.)
  • SO ……I’m almost to the kid’s school and I’m thinking….”I can go over 20mph. After all, I’m not taking my seatbelt off just to lift my shirt in the zone and show my tits.”  (It’s a loophole.)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA         (Thanks Google Images)

  • Constructive criticism is great in theory, but when your kid won’t listen, sometimes you just have to say: “Your project looks like butt!” (Tough love. That’s what being a parent is all about.)
  • If The Cute One despised me, then last night, instead of waking up crying for me……he would’ve woken up and thought……”There is no way I’m calling out for that crazy b*$%!”…….It could’ve been a win-win. (Sleep rocks!)

Flash in the Pan: Company


Through the window, the moon’s faint light shone in a corner of the room. There lay an elderly man upon a wooden bed. Death seemed to blanket him, except for the noticeable uplift of his chest every few seconds. His frail frame twitched and twitched again. His discomfort was quite evident by his unconscious motions.

His eyelids opened suddenly, staring into the darkness. Realizing he left the window partly open, he arose with the greatest of effort. A chill ran through him as he proceeded towards the window. With every step, one could hear the floorboards creak in harmony with his stiff joints.

Reaching the window with shaking fingers, he pressed firmly on its frame. For a moment he stood still, as if to recover from his prolonged journey. Suddenly, he heard tapping at the door. Finally, the company had arrived to deliver him from his chilling hell.

This post was inspired by: M3 Flash Fiction Challenge.  The word is company, with a word limit of 150. My count is 148 words.

Wordless-ish Wednesday: What a stinker!

Image


Toilet Dump 001

SEX THIS YEAR Threatens Stay-at Home Mom with Disabled Child Living Paycheck to Paycheck


It’s not that exciting people. SEX THIS YEAR is the name of a “magazine” and WordPress blog site. The creator has his panties in a bunch over an earlier blog post Jeremie Mouithsone: Who?  . I say……get bigger panties and stop attempting to bully me.

Clearly, he didn’t read the post or doesn’t understand the language I used. That would be ENGLISH! I posted a copy of a letter HE sent to me. I added my own little spin. Apparently, my post brought unwanted attention to Mr. Mouithsone……AND…….He “no likey”. Someone said they were screwed over by him, and some woman mentioned his pre-ejaculation issues.

WELL……Here he is, verbally pre-ejaculating here. I took a second comment directed towards Lawrence off. Seriously Mr. Mouithsone! Lawrence and I aren’t blog roomies. Take your issues to his side of the internet. I am not a couples counselor.

Here’s what he sent to me:

Hell Lorre,

I hope you have already seen my response to your stupid, messages, If I can remember, you and I have never had any business deal, and I wonder why you go about spreading wrong message about online?

Here are my conditions, please do take that article about me down, within the next few days, otherwise I would now choice, but to destroy your entire life online and I mean it.

As mentioned above, Lawrence was a client of ours, we did provide ads as promised, but he went on stalking on the girl that was assigned to his account, and we had no choice but discontinue his campaign. We have all proofs, such as his harassment emails send to the girl.

So I’m giving you two days to pull down the article, failure to do so, will result into an online fight between you and me, and trust me, you don’t want to see what I would say about you, because I will find your real name.

So, please pull down you article, I do not know you, and I’ve never done anything wrond to you

My response:

Hell Jeremie,

Listen. Although, I appreciate you “liking” my post and becoming a follower, I really need you to step into reality. Perhaps where you’re from, its common to throw tantrums and bully women. In America, most women aren’t threatened by men, who are shorter than their twelve-year-old. Plus, I think my daughter has more facial hair than you. (Sorry baby!) I’ll give you an “A” for effort though. If I hadn’t had so much coffee before reading your note, I probably would’ve given you a 1 on the threat scale.

Let me take some responsibility here. I’m sorry I posted an email you sent me, which became my property once you did. I’m sorry I added humor to the letter and gave your “highly regarded in your mind” magazine free press. Apparently, there is no humor in your land.

To be clear, we never did any monkey business together. And definitely not funny business! Also, I post wrong messages and pics on the internet all the time. It is a learning curve, but as a follower, you’ll catch on. I also have a strict policy about not deleting my posts. Unless the order comes directly from the President, or someone offering me bundles of cash, I can’t do it.

Its kind of exciting…..getting under someone’s skin so much, they want to destroy your entire life online.  You do know that I am not a virtual character, right?!? I didn’t even use the internet until I was out of college. So…...in essence, you are leaving me with the best years of my life. Regarding destroying my life, thanks for saying you “mean it”. It is important to keep promises.

You and Lawrence have a very complex relationship. It is full of passion and money exchanging hands. You two need to get a room and hash it out. I’m not into that scene.

Thanks for warning me about the fight. Are we going to meet after school or during recess? And thanks for not being a sexist. Clearly, you have no issues threatening a member of the opposite sex. You make me feel like one of the little guys. Just so you know, I’ve heard it all before. There is nothing you can say about me that I haven’t said and posted myself. If you have trouble finding things, there’s a porn video floating around with me and some zoo animals. I filmed it before I was placed in witness protection for breaking up the Animal Prostitution Ring of 92. Its okay if you find out my real name. Witness protection will just relocate me and give me a new one. I’m kind of getting tired of Iowa. Oh fuck! I guess I have to move on.

So again Jeremie, I’m sorry you are so upset, but I appreciate the word “please” when threatening me. You are one classy guy. And you’re right, you never did any “wrond” to me. You just did something “wrond” to the English language. And best of luck with your magazine and your WordPress blog that doesn’t allow ads. I love the free theme you picked out. It is the same one my son picked to blog about his Xbox games.

P.S: Can you reconsider though? Maybe you could go after my real-life. I have too many kids, one with special needs, I’m overwhelmed, under appreciated, have bunions, have painful varicose veins, some unknown growth on my cervix, $5.41 in savings, hair that’s falling out, pants I have to use a rubber band to fit into, a bitching menstrual cycle going on, only three beers in the frig, a ridiculous electric bill   ………………………………………………………………………………..

I finally did it RED! Here’s my 1 crazy to your 1,000,000,000 crazy.

It got behind me in a big way and I got screwed.


That’s right people. No warning, no protection and no lubricant to ease the pain. BUT……….Thank the lord. No gerbils either. I mean really, who does that shit (pun intended) to a defenseless little animal? Screaming wouldn’t do any good. After all, I asked for it in my own way. Thankfully, the healing has begun and I think it will go back to normal soon.

OKAY……..That was for my naughty friends, who have a deviant lifestyle or wish they did. NOW……Let me translate for all those who think I have parking garage in my backyard. I DON’T.

Translation: Life got away from me the last couple of months. It really messed with the “born out of OCD  plans I always have for myself. It’s true. I was clueless to what would happen with the kids out of school for the summer. Aside from beating them into submission (again…for my deviant friends….you know who you are), there wasn’t much I could do, besides drink,  to ease the chaos. Thankfully, I didn’t cave in to their demand of getting little caged animals. Yelling at them was futile though. It just added to the noise in the house. It’s my fault though. I got pregnant and kept those little burdens bundles of joy. Thankfully, the kids have returned to SOL Prison, which is fondly called public school. With them gone, I’ve been drinking less and getting stuff done.

OKAY………So now that you’ve gotten a little taste, I have to step away from the computer tonight. Cowboy is getting a little jealous. I might have to take the horse out of the barn so he can ride. AND……….No bareback. What am I, a masochist? With three Things and The Cute One running around, I don’t need more.

Goodnight my dear friends. I hope it was good for you. BUT……I won’t take offense if you lie through your fucking teeth and fake a blogging orgasm. Isn’t that what most people do???!!!????

My OCD says, I have to tell you that I have a lot of postings to come. Sorry for my slackassness! AND Yes…….My OCD talks to me.

Based on a true story. Or is it?


Okay…..I’ve done it again.

I had a black sheep blog that I put my poetry on. I decided to stop making it my bitch and put the poems on this blog. It was just too hard to keep up with and we all know…..lately….I can’t even keep up with this one.

BUT…..Like I said. I’ve done it again. I created a another blog that I didn’t tell anyone about…..WELL…..I told 2 people, so there you go…..I’m a liar and a double dipper. The problem with not telling anyone about it, (except the chosen 2)….was….hardly anyone read it. That’s my fault though. I could barely comment as me, let alone another blogger. I stopped posting there because I was debating about what to do.

SO…..I’m coming out of the closet and giving you the link to my blog, which I will not make a black sheep. This blog was created to tell a story about my life, my childhood, my family, the characters I’ve run into and blah, blah, blah……………..As the title states: Based on a true story. Only those who can find themselves in the stories will know which parts are 100% true and which are embellished for embellishment sake. AND…..Only the smart ones will refrain from commenting and showing any outrage since that would only prove which parts are true. That would be foolish!

If I’m not posting here, then hopefully, I’m posting at: Swept From Under The Rug. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I can get to posting more.