Throwback Thursday? How about Bludgeon Thursday instead?


In honor of Throwback Thursday, I thought I’d throw back a few old posts.

How many you ask?

245

As many of you already know, all of my original posts were temporarily removed in order to wipe my blog slate clean for my public declaration regarding my walk with Christ. Temporarily removing my work was merely a way to eliminate any distractions from new readers.

With that being said……I prayed about it. Agree or not, I’ve put back all my original work. There is no editing of content in posts or comments.

There are many reasons for just slapping everything back up as is.

  1. Editing? Ain’t nobody got time for that. With 245 posts? What a waste of valuable time! It would literally be my life’s work. An unknown’s comfort level is not worth my children starving and my hygiene hitting rock bottom.
  2. It’s all me.  I am not ashamed of me. I’m not ashamed of me in the past, present or well……the future would be a hard one to put in here. I am who I am today because of who I was yesterday and all those other days too. Pretending it didn’t exist in writing because of curse words, brutal honesty or sexual innuendos would be denying a history. If you forget where you’ve been, how do you know if you’ve gone anywhere?
  3. I keep everything I write. It’s like keeping old photographs. It’s how I express myself and it’s all relevant to me.
  4. If I am going to be judged for this decision, it won’t be by you, or you, or you. I say that with the utmost respect.

Now….I’m sorry, but I didn’t go through the posts to see which ones contained a PG versus a PG-14 rating, or which ones had strong language.

SOLUTION:

I suggest you use caution when navigating….or….make the choice to stay with the new stuff. I can’t be responsible for any stumbling or falling off the wagon that might take place. Although, I don’t think I have that type of influence. And.I can’t apologize to people who decide to explore my previous content and then get offended or displeased about anything. My blog was born out of self-expression. It thrived on absurdity, humor, sarcasm, brutal honesty and full-blown emotional venting.  It’s an evolution of my mind. Kind of like an episode of hoarders, but with words instead of a collection of old papers, electronics and old McDonald’s toys.

IN A NUTSHELL:

PAST/PRESENT/FUTURE - I stand by my content, although not everyone will always love my approach. I will continue to be honest and direct and because I am flawed, I will continue with the personal TMI. Keeping it real people. Keeping it real.

It’s my party and I’ll make you cry if I want to!


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43 IS AWESOME:

I’m stronger than ever.

My face is holding up (Just don’t look at my hands).

My body isn’t due for an overhaul yet.

I’m fairly certain my mind is in tact.

My words are just as devastating and magical, if not more.

My four kids like me without resorting to bribes….yet.

My husband hasn’t had the itch to bump private parts with anyone else.

I don’t wear mom jeans.

My ass isn’t fat, flat or in need of stick removal.

My breasts still stay up on their own. AND……yes, they’re mine. I have the receipt to prove it.

I have hot flashes, but only in the bedroom.

My friends are the most incredible, genuine, nontoxic bitches around.

My blog buddies still love me, even though I have abandoned them recently. (I left breadcrumbs my darlings!)

I’m mature enough to not have to cover my ass…no need to lie or hide.

I’m secure enough to not give a shit about bullshit.

I’m smart enough to see right through games and false smiles.

I’m nice enough to tolerate those who are intolerable, for the sake of a cause.

Beer and chips are still my friends since I’m working out.

My sense of humor has not left me.

With all its ups, downs, and perfect imperfections, life is amazing. I can’t wait to see what crazy nonsense this year brings for me to hurdle over.

One thing is certain, I will persevere and laugh my way through it all.

If my sticktoitiveness makes you cry along the way, well…..I’m sorry, but this is my life party and I can’t stop to wipe tears.

 

It’s rather deceiving……


It’s rather deceiving, but you have empties believing

Belief in your word that gives most people GERD

They ignore  the shrew, deep inside of you

But why?

It’s a means to a screw

Legs that can’t be held together with surgical glue

*

And you with your smile,  like a crocodile

No substance to offer, just an empty coffer

Talk, talk, talk, with no walk, walk, walk

To what end?

To continue to squawk

To have others gawk

*

Give us a break, you scream “I’m a fake!”

There’s no special tool when you’re tricking a fool

Try  someone with smarts, they’ll see your black heart

But how?

Your air smells like fart

You’re a known Day Old Tart

*

To clear the confusion and dismiss the illusion

Deciding to be kind, does not make one blind

Tolerance in advance, gives you a chance

To do what?

To rise above your self-made circumstance

But you failed to prove you wear the pants

*

Do yourself a favor and get a new flavor

Your looks, not taboo, more like Mr. Magoo

Your sex appeal, in your head, not so real

Why so harsh?

When trash talking others is your meal

No one gives a shit how you feel

*

It’s rather deceiving, but you have empties believing

They will spot the lie when the Kool-Aid runs dry

Then nothing is left, but a life of regret

How?

Happiness and love will die from neglect

Anyone left standing will be completely spent

 

Cooking and singing lead to sex talk.


SO…….Thing 1 (12-years-old) was watching reality television with me last night. It doesn’t seem surprising that reality TV would lend itself to sexual issues, but we weren’t  watching Bad Girls or The Bachelor/ette. AND…….Big Brother doesn’t come on for a few more months. I thought I was safe, but clearly, I was wrong.

WE WERE WATCHING:

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On this show,  aspiring or established chefs compete with merely the taste of their food to get who the hell knows what.  Seriously,  I haven’t gotten far enough into the show to care. BUT……..Last night a woman said the judges would have a mouth orgasm when they tasted her food. For a second, I thought it had escaped him. Then, Thing 1 asks: “What’s an orgasm?”

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Suddenly, I’m in an awkward position. Do I pretend I don’t hear him and change the subject? Do I tell him not to worry about it and forget he heard that word? THEN……. I think about him asking some kid in school who eats his own earwax. What the fuck is that dude gonna say? Do I really want my kid asking dumbasses at school what shit means? Hells no!!

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That won’t work! I don’t want to be the cause of kids around America substituting the word imagination with masturbation.

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Oh my goodness. I definitely don’t want to go there.

ME: You don’t need to say that word. It’s a sex word.

Thing 1: Oh?

ME: It has to do with feeling good.

Thing 1: (looks at me as if to need more information)

ME: Boys your age or a bit older can make themselves feel good all on their own in the privacy of their room.

Thing 1: (red faced and clearly uncomfortable….) Okay mom. I’m good. Let’s stop talking about this now.

After that little adventure, WE MOVED ON TO:

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On of the girls trying out was a young single mom. She began talking about her struggles being so young and raising a child on her own.

Thing 1: That was really dumb not waiting to have a kid. People should wait.

ME:  (pumped up from my previous little convo) I don’t think it was thought out. Things like that happen when people are too busy having fun and not being careful.

Thing 1: Well, I’m never going to do stuff like that.

ME: You say that now, but you’ll see a girl some day and get really excited about touching her boobies and that will lead to something else.

Thing 1: (uncomfortable laughing)

ME: Don’t do something stupid and mess up your life or some girl’s life. Be good or be safe.

Thing 1: Okay. I’m not going to do anything.

ME: Well…..If you aren’t smart, the best case…..you get an infection that requires the doctor. It’s possible you get some girl pregnant and then life as you know it……bye, bye. Worst case is a disease that kills you. It might take a few years, but you’ll die. Just saying.

Thing 1: I’m going to bed mom. (….20 minutes earlier than his bedtime)

OKAY……..So who wants me to talk to their kids about the birds and the bees? What about sex stuff?

Are you giving me the pregnant eye?


My first thought is: “Not in a million years!”.

Kissing this dude would be like giving oral sex to my dryer’s lint tray.

Someone, out there, reading this, knows for sure.

AND….some, might be turned on, but I digress.

Crazy fetish?

My second thought is: Smashup!”

I want to do what Reese’s did for peanut butter and chocolate.

Say what?

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Idea: Let’s put two things together and make something magical.

Condoms and Glasses

Still don’t see where this is going?

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Condom Glasses!

(Please help me come up with a wonderful name for this new product.)

They deploy at the exact moment of visual arousal.

Why do we need these you ask?

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For those women, you know the ones……..

”I get pregnant every time someone looks at me.”

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We have to have some type of protection, some type of birth control for men  who have the power to release microscopic sperm from their eyes.  This is quite an epidemic people. It  is also quite reckless. It’s astonishing how many children are brought into this world because someone looked at their momma in the wrong way. What’s even more disturbing is this: How does that child even know who his/her daddy is? It’s going to take a retinal scan on the Maury Povich show to straighten that shit out. AND seriously……The chances of finding the “baby daddy” are pretty slim. God help you if you are identified as giving someone “the pregnant eye”. You can look forward to child support for that kid and probably hundreds more. If you are capable of giving the pregnant eye to one, then chances are, you’ve given it to another.  Aren’t their enough excuses to put kids in therapy without adding this to the list?

SO…Let’s come up with a fabulous name.

Let’s get this product out in the world.

AND…Let’s start protecting ourselves.

I wonder what the Sharks would think?

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Facehooking: Quickie or Bust


I haven’t been around much lately. NOT much blogging and not much/if any blog reading. BUT……My Facebook friends have seen too much of me lately.

imagesCA0ZU4XD (Thanks Google Images)

WHY No Bloggie?

  • I enrolled in an online training course. I have a year to complete this, but I am trying to finish in 6 months. Momma is looking for a paycheck.
  • I am now a coach for the Special Olympics. I know, right??!!?? What the hell were they thinking?
  • I’m thinking of writing other things.( need to send to a beautiful Red person) Seriously…..I am spending a lot of time thinking.
  • I started Zumba classes. Let the laughter begin.
  • I suck at time management.
  • When I have free time: I try to have sex. And if he’s home…..my spouse is included.  I try to sleep. I bathe and spend time putting on and taking off clothing, but mostly for myself.

SO……..WHY  do I have time for Facehooking you ask? You probably didn’t ask , but we’re going to pretend you give a fuck.

imagesCAKBZHB4(Thanks Google Images)

WHY BE a Facehooker?

  • The money is good. Oh……Sorry. Wrong hooking job came to mind.
  • I can quickly and mindlessly tab over while studying online.
  • I get a bit of a blog fix. BUT……Only a speck.

Here’s some crap I’ve put on Facebook in my blog absence.

imagesCAIXRBX0(Thanks Google Images)

STATUS UPDATES:

  • FaceHookers: It’s a personal choice, but I personally can’t wrap my brain around the buffet of men’s facial hair. Seriously…I look at your mouth and feel violated. Did I just walk into some chick’s appointment for a much needed landscape/wax job? Oh no, it’s just your lips moving creepily inside a disturbing display of hair follicles. (My ex inspired this one. He has some goatee-mustache smashup going on. Also, he dyed his growth black to cover his gray, which is interesting, since that is not his original hair color. Needless to say…….He is bald up top, so this growth around his mouth looks like a hairy vagina.)
  • Zumba Observations:
    Wearing jeans to class…..Really?
    What’s with doing zumba with a blow pop in your mouth? Is it a test to see if you can perform BJs while on the dance floor? (I honestly thought she was smoking at first. Clearly, the decision to go to an exercise class was made after she got dressed and left the house.)
  • Hey, people in love, who claim they fell at first sight?
    Good thing your love had a personality to back up the visual. OR……Wouldn’t you have felt silly? (This shit cracks me up. First sight….That means visual you bitches. Let’s just say our shallow self lucked out on this one.)
  • Ann Coulter looks and sounds like an over-aged shot girl, who drank all the profits. Listening to her unintelligent ramblings/inaccuracies makes it clear how she got in and graduated from law school. (She can stick the ‘R” word up her ass.)
  • My son, looking out for the taxpayers: “Why does Cowboy always have to go to court? Can’t he stop arresting people and just throw them in the river?” (He’s going to be a fucking politician.)
  • SEX PLAN for (not-so-newly) Married Men:
    Set Mood: Do/Help with mundane chores around house. (We hate them too)
    Foreplay: Don’t argue with us. (We know when we’re wrong. We just don’t want you to tell us.)
    Main Event: Must last longer than the time it took for you to take off/pull down your pants. Don’t grunt and don’t shout yes as if we asked you a question.
    Afterwards: Go away. Spooning feels like a hot flash. We need to sleep, watch t.v or get on FB. (Enough said.)
  • When the world comes crashing down on you, just know that I’m here……thinking……”I’m glad I wasn’t standing beside you.” (Possible fortune cookie submission?)
  • Talking to Thing 3 and Thing’s Friend:
    Friend: (not happy) We have to healthy lunches because of Mrs. Obama
    Thing 3: Yeah. The pizza isn’t good.
    Me: Kids in America have serious health issues…(blah, blah, blah) We didn’t have any of the stuff you all have. We played outside.
    Thing 3: Well you had those big cell phones right?
    Me: No. And…..only the 3 channels on our TV. The shows went from toons, to news, games shows, soaps, news again and primetime.
    Friend: I can’t hear anymore of this. You are freaking me out.
    Thing 3: Maybe we should play outside?
    Friend: Outside is boring. There’s no electronic part to it. (If you don’t like healthy food, you might want to seriously reconsider having Mrs. Obama stay in the White House for 4 more years.)
  • SO ……I’m almost to the kid’s school and I’m thinking….”I can go over 20mph. After all, I’m not taking my seatbelt off just to lift my shirt in the zone and show my tits.”  (It’s a loophole.)

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  • Constructive criticism is great in theory, but when your kid won’t listen, sometimes you just have to say: “Your project looks like butt!” (Tough love. That’s what being a parent is all about.)
  • If The Cute One despised me, then last night, instead of waking up crying for me……he would’ve woken up and thought……”There is no way I’m calling out for that crazy b*$%!”…….It could’ve been a win-win. (Sleep rocks!)

Life Scream


It’s designed just to piss you off

To  confuse

To depress

To control

To break

It’s a teaser, a trick

Screw you and your mind-fuck

What a prick

Just a bitch of a time warp

Keep it straight

Lay down low

Stand up tall

Wait your turn

It’s a jump in the line

With these rules to ride

Lost my mind

It’s limited and flawed

No guarantee

No returns

No playback

No seconds

Curses wrapping the dream

That’s some strange shit

Now……I’ll scream

(11/03/2012….Lorre)