Born Into Darkness


Born into darkness

Chaotic DNA

The storm

She’s my mother

My father

Faraway

No light to follow

Just broken glass

Creeping

Toes tipped

The nightmares

Get past

Tracker disabled

To no avail

Something

It’s pulling

The ripcord

It failed

So utterly true

Undeniably stuck

The connection

Too long

Who knows

Just dumb luck

Then the blindness

Pounds repetition

If not now

When

Escape

This condition

…..Can’t stay to seek

…..Their fleeting permission

Born into darkness

Chaotic DNA

The storm

She’s my mother

My father

Faraway

I thought: “If this is being a Christian, then no thanks.”


For years, I refused to accept Jesus Christ because of the preaching I was exposed to. And because of this, I mistakenly thought: “Being a Christian really sucks!” I didn’t want to join that club.That church was to my spiritual growth as weed killer is to a rose bush. I know what you’re thinking. “Why continue if you felt it was so bad?”

1. I wanted to find Christ.

    • I mistakenly looked outward for this. Don’t do that! You’d think a church would be a safe place to find Christ. Not necessarily so!
    • Jesus isn’t holding his breath at church waiting for you. And….He’s not lost.

2. I attended “that place” because of personal ties.

  • I was a teenager. It was completely boy driven. Again…..Don’t do that!

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Now……I didn’t need to be an adult, or a Bible reading- professed Christian to know things were a bit off. Here are some examples of personal beliefs/convictions that were imposed as absolute truth in the church I attended. OR……As I like to call it: How To Get a Teenager to Rebel Against God

  • People engaging in sinful behavior deserve to get sick and/or die.

This made me think: I thought you went strictly by the Bible? Aren’t all sins equal? If I gossip, then I should die? Goodbye all school-aged children and people living in the suburbs.  Oh yeah….Isn’t that a bit judgmental and non-Christian. Just saying.

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What ? I took a $1.00 from mom’s purse!

  • Rapists and murderers have a place in heaven if they get saved on their death bed.

I’m thinking: Why bother with this church thing then? Okay…..I can wrap my brain around the fact that you need to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior to get into heaven, but……it can’t be that easy. There is no way you can led a horrible, sinful life, and then pull a Hail Mary on your death bed. I’m fairly certain that’s not what living in the spirit of Christ means. If that person is sincere, God will deal with them. That’s why there’s judgment and not just a stamp on your hand  or a glow in the dark wrist band saying you’re admitted.

  • True Christian women shouldn’t wear pants, have short hair, or look too nice.

PLEASE!!!! Unless someone proves there was a Target or Macy’s on hand back in biblical times…..Well….I hate to break it to you, people were a tad limited with their wardrobe selections.  If God was truly concerned about fashion statements, he would have never allowed parachute pants or prairie shirts to be created. Let’s face it. We are really talking about common sense and decency here. Did you bathe? Is your left breast hanging out of your blouse? Are you wearing pull-away pants out in public? If so…..why? There is nothing wrong with looking nice or expressing your sense of style through your appearance. It’s about not putting vanity first. It’s about not trying to draw special attention to yourself through those means. And don’t get me started on women tempting men with their scandalous garments. I’ve seen men drool over women in sweatpants and hoodies.

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Okay…..Blah, blah, blah…Stay awake!.

 

  • Dancing is a sin.

Okay…….This isn’t Footloose people. Twerking is not dancing.

  • Get saved or burn in HELL!

Fear-Driven Christianity: What a winner! You can’t become “saved” and then live how you like because you’ve got your free pass. If this is how it worked, then no one would need or desire  church, fellowship, the Bible or anything resembling Christianity. We would just go to the nearest drive-thru window and order our salvation from the religious menu at the nearest Jesus Juice, Papa John the Baptiste or Burger King of Israel. What a load! After getting your driver’s license, you can’t drive however you like. There are laws. When you get married, you’re supposed to be MARRIED, meaning no longer single. When you get saved, you’re supposed to try to live in the spirit and walk with Christ. Walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

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Dude. Did you want your salvation now or after Spring Break?

In the end, I realized I didn’t have to be “scared-straight” to accept Jesus Christ or remain terrified to live in the Christian faith. Choices should not be fear-driven. If it’s based on fear, is it really a choice? Christianity is about faith, trust and love. If my only thought was: “Am I in the Heaven Club or not?”, then I wouldn’t be living my life in Christ or be glorifying God. I’d be too paralyzed in fear. No. I’m never going to be perfect. BUT…..If I am truly trying to live in the spirit, then I shouldn’t be scared about my salvation or anything else. Well…..perhaps I’d be scared about Members Only jackets coming back. Are there any members left? Anyone? Anyone?

 

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I don’t


I don’t dare -

Feel like this will never end

All the pain….

All the hurt….

Despite the will to bend

I don’t think -

Time will ever change

That way….

That look….

The cards are all arranged

I don’t know -

The path that this will take

What length…

What light….

Will magnify mistakes

I don’t need -

To go back to that place

For you….

For them….

So your pain can be erased

I don’t care -

If it all comes tumbling down

To prove….

To show….

There’s no way to get around

I don’t try -

To pretend it’s all okay

All the pain….

All the hurt…..

Will make me stronger every day

It’s not you. It’s me.


(No apologies for length. I haven’t written this effortlessly in a long time. I’m enjoying the flow. “No sorry for you!”)

ANYWAY…..I hope everyone’s recovered from my post the other day. I heard 911 calls went up about 45%. Sorry for the shock.! I know. I know. I deviated from the norm on this blog, but only a little with a bit of a lot mixed in. I’ve always been a “tell it like it is” kind of person, so I just told it like it was. My walk with Christ has been on my mind and I thought I’d give it a shout out. I’m not trying to be preachy or tell you how to live. This is about me. If you get something out of this for yourself, then great. If you don’t, then you stopped by for a read and that’s cool.

For those resistant to change, this isn’t going to become a Bible blog. There are a ton of those out there and they don’t need the competition. Although, The Unexpected Christian has a nice ring to it, or maybe The Wacky Witness.  I’ll let you know if we ever need to vote on a new name. In the meantime…….I’m sure things will be focused on and written about a bit differently due to the journey I’m embarking on. Who knows? I might talk about my “walk” each time I post. Maybe I’ll develop a spaghetti fetish or a fear of gravel and start writing about that. If that’s how it goes, then that’s how it goes.

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What’s going on here??!!

Make no mistake, this is still my blog. It will be filled with humor (….my opinion), variety and an unusual level of TMI regarding my personal experiences. What can I say? I like to share stories. Is that a crime?

In the end, I hope I don’t lose too many of you. I’d be naïve to think you’ll all stick around. Let’s face it, change doesn’t sit well with everyone. And no…..I’m not talking about coins. Although, pennies must be offensive because they can always be found lying around. No one wants them. So sad. Anyway……Change is scary and uncomfortable. For some reason, a lot of us just don’t handle it well. Perhaps if we switch the word change to improve(ments). Now that sounds easier to swallow, doesn’t it?

Let’s recap some improvements I’ve written about here:

  • ALCOHOL: Two years ago, I decided to cut my alcohol consumption. No one said: “You suck! You need to drink alcohol to be funny and have friends”. Instead, I was met with support and a lot of well-meaning jokes. Do I still consume alcoholic beverages? Yes. BUT……It’s no longer an every weekend, get together, “girl talk”, kids are out of school, “I had a bad day” or “I had a good day kind of thing”. And now…….I consume beer with a percentage of alcohol so low, a fly falls in and struggles to swim out just to call me a light-weight.

  • HEALTHIER LIVING: A little over a year ago, I decided to lose weight and get healthy. Again…….I never heard “Your big clothes are going to hate you. Stop trying to feel better.”  Like before, I was met with support and love. Do I still eat junk? Absolutely. Do I have a strict exercise regime that I stick to weekly? No. BUT……I went from a size 16 to an 8 in one year. Quite an improvement for me.

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NOW: I’m on a journey with Christ to improve my life. I’m not aiming for perfection, just better. Like the drinking and the healthy living, it’s a lifestyle change. Got that? Lifestyle…..meaning FOR LIFE. See what I did there? I went from a little improvement to a change. That’s how it works people. You make improvements and it can’t help but lead to change. Unlike a new hairstyle or outfit, this is for keeps. The fact is, I’ve tried this Christian Coat on since I was a child. (Those dressing room mirrors really bite!) I finally bought it almost nine-years ago, but was too afraid to take off the tags. I JUST RIPPED THE TAGS OFF! No returns now.

Like my other journeys, I hope you support me in this. You don’t have to like it or even take the trip with me, but I hope you respect my decision and where it takes me. It brought me back to writing, and that works for me.

ALL SAILORS ARE WELCOME, EVEN PIRATES!!

Ruminating The Rumors


A lie is a horrible thing, but a lie with wings is even worse. It flies as far and high as possible, wreaking havoc and destroying lives, or at least….trying to. These pretty little birds of flight are known as RUMORS.

No one has successfully avoided the rumor mill. You either created a rumor, helped spread one, or were on the receiving end.  BUT….Make no mistake, you’ve been tainted. 

Here are a few created and spread about me. Some caught flight for bit and some experienced a horrible death after I clipped their wings.

  • The summer before 9th grade, my mother moved to Texas. I decided to leave Virginia and spend the break with her.  When I returned to school, I discovered that I had given my baby away.  Apparently, I went away to hide my pregnancy and give birth. Who knew!!??!! (Any rich and famous 30-year-olds needing a mommy? Look me up!)
  • After my divorce, my ex told everyone he could (at my children’s events) that I stole 100,000 dollars from him. AND…..Used that money to buy a used car. Okay. Do you see the fucking logic in that?
  • The Spouse-No-Mores tried to convince the world that my hubby and I were cheaters and caused the first marriages to end. NOW….If they meant : We were cheaters because we got together before the divorce papers were signed, then okay. AND…..If they meant: We ended the marriages because we actually bought into the fidelity thing on their part, then okay. I guess they were right.
  • One Spouse-No-More went as far as to tell the children’s “Christian” preschool teacher that I was a slutty cheater. Just the thought of it must have turned that ex on, because every school day, they would follow me outside, into the parking lot, and stop short of my vehicle.  They brought their manly-looking woman friend to stalk along with them. I think they wanted to have sex with me.  Who could blame them??!! It didn’t take long for the teacher and moms to learn the truth.
  • An ex (fondly referred to as: SpongeBob Squarepants) said I slept with 1/2 the county. I tried to do the math, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t really possible. BUT……Maybe I was unconscious at the time, and the other time, and the other time, and the other time, and the…………..
  • After I broke up with a high school boyfriend, he told classmates he did sexual things to me in church, where his father was the preacher, with people sitting around us. Wow! Talk about a religious experience!
  • One of my ex-stepmothers (had 4) said she suspected me of having an inappropriate relationship with my dad because I hugged him goodnight. In her defense, she thought raising her own offspring was too much coddling and let the state put her kids with other folks.

RUMOR QUOTES:

Rumors are mostly a projection of the individual who started them. (ROYA R. RAD, Therapy Dialogue)

Those who feed on rumors are small, suspicious souls. (CHARLES R. SWINDOLL, Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life)

You know what rumors are like–like a jar full of moths. Once they escape, they’re all over the place. (RHYS BOWEN, Oh Danny Boy)

People who spread rumors are like walking infections. The lying words from their mouths spread like disease from person to person. The only way to stop the disease is to keep your mouth shut. (JOYCE HANSEN, One True Friend)

Rumors are created by the jealous and spread by the ignorant. Fortunately, the truth usually wins our!

Someone got dementia in the divorces, but it wasn’t me.


Due to distractions, I wasn’t going to write anything tonight,  but I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes a situation or a person with a narcissistic personality disorder warrants a post to be born. In this case, it would be the latter.

To celebrate my anniversary I posted Jodie Foster inspired me.  It seems that one of the spouse-no-mores, (you know) was very troubled by my words.

YOUR VERSION OF REALITY: 

  • You claim to have found the link to this off one of our Facebook pages (1st fucking lie).
  • You said you only knew about the blog because one of the kids reads it (2nd fucking lie). 
  • You said the post was about you (3rd fucking lie or 1st delusion).
  • You  claim that everyone is reading my blog (2nd delusion). Can you make that happen?
  • Then, you called me demented (4th fucking lie, 3rd delusion and a total ignorance for vocabulary).

ACTUAL REALITY:

  • I rarely link one of these posts  to  a personal Facebook account. Believe it or not, this blog isn’t for everyone. AND….I didn’t link this one. Besides, we’re not FB friends with you! I do however have a lovely blog about my beautiful son if you want to stalk visit that one: A Dose of Justice. 
  • The kids know they aren’t allowed to read this blog. I have total faith in them. IF……. I’m wrong, then having one be a deceitful sneaky person, should concern you more than my adult blog. 
  • Seriously? The post was about myself and my amazing husband, who I have rocking sex with all the time. Do you need me to repeat anything? Sorry, but you didn’t even make the highlight reel. A little full of ourselves, are we?
  • I have it on good authority that half of Brazil is not quite aware of my blog. You got your facts wrong.
  • So let’s address the demented comment. Shall we??!!?? I think you need the definition of the word.

(bing.com · Bing Dictionary)

de·ment·ed

[ di méntəd ]

  1. entirely irrational: completely unreasonable or lacking any sense of the consequences of actions taken
  2. affected with dementia: affected by the loss of intellectual functions that is associated with dementia

WHAT I THINK IS DEMENTED:

  • To lie so naturally, you can’t recognize the truth anymore.
  • To use manipulation (guilt, threats, fear, anger) with a child/children to feel superior.
  • To suggest your spouse-no-more has something sexually wrong with them because they didn’t want to touch you anymore. HINT: It’s called sexual attraction.
  • To pretend you didn’t break your wedding vows over and over again, use physical force in the relationship, and degrade your spouse-no-more with every word and action.
  • To act like everything bad you did, your spouse-no-more actually did when telling “stories”.
  • To believe that anyone with “real” self-esteem, who isn’t socially, emotionally and physically constipated, is DEMENTED.
  • LASTLY…….To view my blog. Did you really think you would like it? HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!!!!!!

 

I can’t stop flashing you.


I’m sorry to overwhelm you with my incessant flashing, but I wrote these a bit back and never posted. Get comfy and prepare yourself to be entertained or bored to death. Either way, you might be at your computer longer than expected. These were submitted to the M3 Flash Challenge (Flash in the Pan) Winter 2012.

Wake (125) Exact word Count
Snapping out of his drunken daze for a brief moment, Jeremy noticed the cold beer in front of him at the bar. Usually the cap is the only thing off, but this bottle had a note attached. Focusing the best he could, Jeremy read the message.

Drinking is only a temporary feeling and solution, but when there ain’t no solution, temporary ain’t a bad way to go.

He realized he’d spent years, night after night, sharing his life with a bottle. As he looked around the bar, he saw others just like him. Realizing the solution to his problems didn’t live inside a bottle, he did the only thing he could. He raised his bottle and slurred cheers in the wake of his temporary solution.

Flash (100) 87 Words
Here again, I lie in the charcoal-colored night, approaching my once again deep sleep. Yet, this night is unlike all the others. My dreams will be replaced with memories. Visions that I could not recollect under any other circumstances flash by me.

My morning? Oh, please let us not forget my great awakening. Instead, those too will be replaced — replaced with a wake and mourning. How alike those words sound, yet their meanings are entirely different.

At least I don’t have to worry about insomnia anymore.

Dance (50) Exact Word Count
Much time has passed since my eternal slumber began. My body is frozen to the core as I listen to the thumping through the wood. My earthly blanket is covering me. Yet I feel no warmth. My departure is final now. There’s no turning back. I’ve had my last dance.

Fish (100) Exact
When I was young, maybe ‘bout nine, I ‘member that ole swing Daddy built an’ swingin’ to high heaven. On that swing, I found myself thinkin’ ‘bout important things. At home the only things I’d be thinkin’ of were frogs, county fairs, Momma’s apple pie and Joey Crawood. Joey was some weird, freckled-faced kid, who smelled like fish. He also used to put mud in girls’ hair. Meggie, my best friend, said Joey put more mud in my hair on account of him liking me. It was that or ‘cause he liked the way the mud clung to my braids.

Fire (125) I used 120
The side door of the van flew open and there was Rain. I figured she was around my age, but I couldn’t quite tell. Her clothes were simple; t-shirt and jeans, and she wore lots of makeup. You could tell she was a plain girl, who in all cruelty would be lucky to be considered homely. Her figure? She had none. She was as straight as an arrow, all arms and legs, her eyes a pale icy-blue. The dark mascara and liner around her eyes made their color even more stunning. And her corn-colored hair danced in the wind. Well actually, it really didn’t dance. It sort of resembled the aftermath of a brush fire, but it had its charm.