I haven’t been around much lately. NOT much blogging and not much/if any blog reading. BUT……My Facebook friends have seen too much of me lately.
WHY No Bloggie?
- I enrolled in an online training course. I have a year to complete this, but I am trying to finish in 6 months. Momma is looking for a paycheck.
- I am now a coach for the Special Olympics. I know, right??!!?? What the hell were they thinking?
- I’m thinking of writing other things.( need to send to a beautiful Red person) Seriously…..I am spending a lot of time thinking.
- I started Zumba classes. Let the laughter begin.
- I suck at time management.
- When I have free time: I try to have sex. And if he’s home…..my spouse is included. I try to sleep. I bathe and spend time putting on and taking off clothing, but mostly for myself.
SO……..WHY do I have time for Facehooking you ask? You probably didn’t ask , but we’re going to pretend you give a fuck.
WHY BE a Facehooker?
- The money is good. Oh……Sorry. Wrong hooking job came to mind.
- I can quickly and mindlessly tab over while studying online.
- I get a bit of a blog fix. BUT……Only a speck.
Here’s some crap I’ve put on Facebook in my blog absence.
- FaceHookers: It’s a personal choice, but I personally can’t wrap my brain around the buffet of men’s facial hair. Seriously…I look at your mouth and feel violated. Did I just walk into some chick’s appointment for a much needed landscape/wax job? Oh no, it’s just your lips moving creepily inside a disturbing display of hair follicles. (My ex inspired this one. He has some goatee-mustache smashup going on. Also, he dyed his growth black to cover his gray, which is interesting, since that is not his original hair color. Needless to say…….He is bald up top, so this growth around his mouth looks like a hairy vagina.)
- Zumba Observations:
Wearing jeans to class…..Really?
What’s with doing zumba with a blow pop in your mouth? Is it a test to see if you can perform BJs while on the dance floor? (I honestly thought she was smoking at first. Clearly, the decision to go to an exercise class was made after she got dressed and left the house.)
- Hey, people in love, who claim they fell at first sight?
Good thing your love had a personality to back up the visual. OR……Wouldn’t you have felt silly? (This shit cracks me up. First sight….That means visual you bitches. Let’s just say our shallow self lucked out on this one.)
- Ann Coulter looks and sounds like an over-aged shot girl, who drank all the profits. Listening to her unintelligent ramblings/inaccuracies makes it clear how she got in and graduated from law school. (She can stick the ‘R” word up her ass.)
- My son, looking out for the taxpayers: “Why does Cowboy always have to go to court? Can’t he stop arresting people and just throw them in the river?” (He’s going to be a fucking politician.)
- SEX PLAN for (not-so-newly) Married Men:
Set Mood: Do/Help with mundane chores around house. (We hate them too)
Foreplay: Don’t argue with us. (We know when we’re wrong. We just don’t want you to tell us.)
Main Event: Must last longer than the time it took for you to take off/pull down your pants. Don’t grunt and don’t shout yes as if we asked you a question.
Afterwards: Go away. Spooning feels like a hot flash. We need to sleep, watch t.v or get on FB. (Enough said.)
- When the world comes crashing down on you, just know that I’m here……thinking……”I’m glad I wasn’t standing beside you.” (Possible fortune cookie submission?)
- Talking to Thing 3 and Thing’s Friend:
Friend: (not happy) We have to healthy lunches because of Mrs. Obama
Thing 3: Yeah. The pizza isn’t good.
Me: Kids in America have serious health issues…(blah, blah, blah) We didn’t have any of the stuff you all have. We played outside.
Thing 3: Well you had those big cell phones right?
Me: No. And…..only the 3 channels on our TV. The shows went from toons, to news, games shows, soaps, news again and primetime.
Friend: I can’t hear anymore of this. You are freaking me out.
Thing 3: Maybe we should play outside?
Friend: Outside is boring. There’s no electronic part to it. (If you don’t like healthy food, you might want to seriously reconsider having Mrs. Obama stay in the White House for 4 more years.)
- SO ……I’m almost to the kid’s school and I’m thinking….”I can go over 20mph. After all, I’m not taking my seatbelt off just to lift my shirt in the zone and show my tits.” (It’s a loophole.)
- Constructive criticism is great in theory, but when your kid won’t listen, sometimes you just have to say: “Your project looks like butt!” (Tough love. That’s what being a parent is all about.)
- If The Cute One despised me, then last night, instead of waking up crying for me……he would’ve woken up and thought……”There is no way I’m calling out for that crazy b*$%!”…….It could’ve been a win-win. (Sleep rocks!)