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Archive | June, 2012

Michael Jackson: Newly Released Phone Call from 1995

27 Jun

SO……..I stumbled upon the oddest thing. I found (in my twisted mind) a transcript of a phone call between Michael Jackson and some chick. That in itself is odd…..I know! BUT……It’s crazy, because the phone call uses every song title from his albums:

OFF THE WALL (1979)

THRILLER (82)

BAD (87)

DANGEROUS (91)

HISTORY (95)

INVINCIBLE (01)

……..and the ULTIMATE COLLECTION (04)

Michael: Little Susie,  or whatever your name is. You are a P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing). We’ve known each other since my Childhood, which means, we met yesterday and I know my genitals say we should Just Good Friends, but I want you to be The Lady In My Life, at least for enough time to get busy.

Girl: Say, Say, Say what you want, but not This Time Around. I don’t know if I can trust you.  I Can’t Help It, my last boyfriend was a Cheater, and it’s Human Nature to want to take things slow.

Michael: Come on. Baby Be Mine! I need to prove to the world that you aren’t just some Stranger In Moscow that I made up. People think I’m In The Closet and there’s Another Part Of Me I’m trying to hide from the world. I’m trying to Heal The World one child at a time. There’s no Monkey Business going on, except for that one I have at home.

Girl: I ain’t no Tabloid Junkie, but I’m a Superfly Sister and I don’t need to be caught up in no Carousel. So, maybe you aren’t with The Man child they pictured you with, but what about B.J?

Michael: I like those.

Girl: No! The girl.

Michael: Billie Jean is not my Girlfriend. Hell, she isn’t even my lover. She’s just a Street Walker that I felt Bad for. She was Working Day And Night for hardly any Money. I swear we never had sex. I just Beat It a few times in front of her when she talked about The Lost Children. That’s HIStory.

Girl: Okay. What about D.S.? You know…the dirty slut? I’m not going to Rock With You if you Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ with her. I’m freaking Speechless. She goes commando and plugless when she’s on her period and gets Blood On The Dance Floor. She is straight up nasty.

Michael: You mean Dirty Diana? She’s Out of My Life. We spent a few days to Come Together. We experimented with 2000 Watts, played a few rounds of Someone Put Your Hand Out and invited a few friends over to Jam in with me.  It was intense. the experience made me Cry, gave me Butterflies, and required more Privacy than anyone should be allowed. I felt Threatened. I saw Ghosts. I became Scared Of The Moon. I took Morphine and something called Speed Demon until the Break Of Dawn. I thought I could Fly Away, but then, I thought, Heaven Can Wait. I mean….if I even go there. The stench was so bad when we were done, The owner said: “We have to Burn This Disco Out”.

Girl: You Can’t Let Her Get Away or you will let her Ease On Down The Road? Pick one!

Michael: You have to understand. She Drives Me Wild, but You Rock My World. You are fooled by the Man In The Mirror I’m pretending to be. I Just Can’t Stop Loving You for being so stupid. You Are My Life. Don’t Walk Away. I’m begging you. It’s The Way You Make Me Feel. Is this too soon? Is It Scary?

Girl: The Girl Is Mine, she’s not mine! Whatever! I’m getting whiplash here. Remember The Time I called you and you said you were home with Bubbles laying in the chamber together? Well, a Sunset Driver told me he saw you out with that Liberian Girl?

Michael: Bull crappy! It was a boy with long hair!

Girl: That’s even worse! He saw you Get On the Floor and get a Thriller. And he heard you yell: “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”! Then he jumped back over the security wall at Neverland Ranch.

Michael: Wait! Were you following me? I thought I saw Someone In The Dark. Girl, that shit is Dangerous. I don’t care if you’re Black Or White. That place is Off The Wall. You can Scream and SHOUT and no one’s gonna do a damn thing. Get It?

Smooth Criminal everywhere you look? Besides, I’ve never done anything inappropriate with anyone, who wasn’t legally unable to consent,  intimidated, or influenced by my fame and “assumed”, but ever-diminishing wealth.  Why You Wanna Trip On Me?

Girl: Oh my God. Your ability to live in an alternate universe is Unbreakable. It’s The Falling In Love with the wrong things that freaks me out. I mean really, the Elephant Man’s skeleton? And no one ever believed the relationships with Brooke and Lisa Marie. Please just Leave Me Alone.

Michael: I’m Invincible and you are no Heartbreaker, but the good news…..You Are Not Alone.  I will let this phone call slide and give you Once More Chance. You should just Give In To Me. The Way You Love Me doesn’t matter because I’m the King of Pop and Whatever Happens, You Can’t Win. The truth is, the world’s people, They Don’t Care About Us celebrities. They just care how we fuck up and if we are Gone Too Soon. So, let’s say you put a Smile on your face. Marry me. Give me what I want. I will write some crappy Earth Song, make millions and then we can split once We’ve had Enough.

Girl: Well…..when you put it that way. So……Will You Be There?

Michael: Hell no! I won’t even let my sperm be there. I found a donor for us.

Girl: Who is it? They aren’t 2 Bad, right?.

Michael: Keep The Faith. This isn’t Bubbles first rodeo.

***Telephone transcript between Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe.***

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Jeremie Mouithsone: Who?

21 Jun

SO……Here is a letter I received in my inbox last night.

 

Hello,

My name is Jeremie Mouithsone, I’m launching a guys and girl’s go-to magazine for everything from the coolest new sex advice to the most powerful sexual attraction tips; our aim is arm men and women with the tools to create and live a better sex life, and have more fun doing it.

(OKAY……I googled his name and found a lot. A lot of stuff he created for himself, to promote who knows what, with no follow through. His public Facebook page has a lovely “going to prom” pic though.)

Objectives:

The primary objectives of Sexthismonth magazine will be to provide readers with personalize tips and advice related to their sexual experiences (If they already had it, then isn’t it too late? I don’t think these situations are suited for armchair quarterbacking.), in order to help them achieve the following goals:
Create the sexual experience they desire and deserve.
Eliminate sexual barriers that may be holding them back. (Like a family and kids?)
Providing them with ways to not only enjoy, but adore their bodies, as well their partner’s bodies. (TIP: Don’t look at yourself in dressing room mirrors. For that matter….Just don’t look. Lights out and blindfold on. You’d be amazed how great your partner will look.)
Harmonize, and as well as creating sparks back into relationships and marriages.

The magazine website is under development as we speak: www.sexthismonth.com

(The shell of a site does exist.)

First publication: January 1, 2013/ digital version.

We are looking for contributors for the upcoming magazine and its website, and because of your expertise we would like to ask if you’ll consider joining our contributors team. We’ve had a look at your work, and feel that your expertise would make for a great submission!

(I would love to know what expertise he believes I have. You know…..He must have talked to my Indian friend about our sexual conversation. Perhaps my expertise involves yelling expletives at solicitors on the phone. That is hot! BUT……He said he has looked at my work. I’m pretty sure my husband took those pics off of YouTube.)

Below is a short explanation of why you should join our contributors team.

Why join the team:

The site will grow fast and your contribution will give you a good exposure, as your contents is seen by millions of people. Our aim is to provide users with personalize and high quality articles everyday and we need your help to make this a reality.

(WELL…..Although your language skills are amazing, and the exposure you are offering is tempting, I don’t think I would be able to provide millions of people with personalize articles. That’s a lot of personalize to do.)

 

Were will the magazine be first seen by readers?

The magazine will first be release online (digital version) and via the following channels.
At our website: http://www.sexthismonth.com
iPhone
iPad
www.magzeter.com
www.magcloud.com (Awesome…..I created a magazine when I was twelve. I published (in my home with notebook paper/pencil/crayon) 3 issues, which I sold for a nickel and that was just to read them. I still have them. Maybe I’ll publish them and give you some healthy competition.)

http://www.issuu.com

One of the above channels will provide readers with an option of getting a print version of the issue they’re willing to purchase.

 

Benefits of Joining the team:
Your article will be featured for readers to see. (I suppose if they print it out, they could also use my article for toilet tissue.)
You can promote your own portfolio, website, along with your biography in the Author Information box at the end of each post, in both website and its monthly publication. (Hmmmmmm……You sure know how to tempt a girl.)
You’ll have an opportunity to both own our company shares, and a monthly salary as soon as the magazine start generating revenue. (SO……I see there is an opportunity in the future for me to PAY you for some shares. Sounds like a solid investment. OH…..And how awesome a salary would be, but the magazine has to generate revenue. I wonder when you’ll decide that will be??!!??)

Our aim is to create a focus-oriented strategy for all contents, which will give you an opportunity to become an expert in a particular field in the long-term. ( I thought I was an expert already? So you’re saying, If I have a focus-oriented strategy for my content, then I will become an expert in a particular field and long-term. IF that’s the case, I think I should write about medicine or law. There’s a lot more money to be had once I’m a medical or legal expert.)

 

What’ll be included in each articles:
Full Name / First Name: depending what you prefer to be know as. (I prefer to sign things CHUMP.)
Web site URL: you don’t have to have a website, you can link to your twitter or any other social media account
Bio: a short piece of text describing who you are and what you do.
Gravatar: if you don’t have a gravatar you should sign up, its a free service that will benefit any posts or comments you make, and show a small picture of yourself so readers can easily identify you.

What kind of content are we looking for?
Sexual, Erotic, romance articles that readers will always remember. (I can’t remember all my sexual experiences, but you think someone will remember an article on sex?)
Foods and meals that boost sexual desires. (Lots of alcohol.)
Sport tips that boost sexual desires. (Ass slapping! Oh wait…..athletes already do that, but I don’t think it turns them on, or does it?)
Fashion for sexual attraction (T-shirts that say: “I’m an easy lay.” or “I’m on the pill.” or “I’m still a virgin.” AND……for women…..”I have a job.” or “I promise to remember your name.” or “I’m not married.”)
sex tutorials, and more. (Those are in my private collection.)

When will the first issue be published?
The first publication is schedule for January 1, 2013, whiele we’re working on its website. With that being, in order to get more understand our what our audience needs (I thought they needed sex stuff.)
and want may look like in the futre we’ll therefore release a mini version of the first issue latest August 31, 2012. This means, we’ll need you to provide with your contribution latest June 15, should you decide to proceed. (Oh crap, it looks like you sent me this email 5 days too late. I can’t believe I’m going to miss out on this great opportunity. I can’t submit something to you, have you possibly post it, tell me there are tons of subscribers ready to buy in January and then ask me for money to buy some shares. Meanwhile…..This thing never sees the light of day and I lose my money. Damn…..I really wish I could be on this gravy train.)

Contribution timetable:
And below are some of the options we think my might work best for the both of us:
1. One article per month for the magazine issue delivered to me by the 15 of the month, every month, 800 words per article.
2. One articles per month delivered on an agreed date for the website, 1000 words per article every month.

We would send you an agreement for you to sign as soon as we have your final say. (I have seen your twitter and MySpace page and all the other stuff you opened for yourself. You are too much like the mighty OZ. I don’t think we run in the same circles and I’m not good at the hamster wheel……….SO………..I’ll have to decline. I wouldn’t want to bring the quality of your ventures to an all-time low.)

Thank you again for consedering being part of the team and we definitely look forward to working with you! ( That’s flattering. You may want to check out your FB page though. It seems that someone isn’t too happy to be working with you. He wants his money back for some ads and so do his friends. It sucks to have trouble in paradise so early on. That’s the price you pay when you are a media mogul.)

Wishing you all the best,
Jeremie Mouithsone

(Wishing you the best too. Can I have some spam with that?)

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DAD: Happy Tax Deduction Day!

17 Jun

There’s no shame in admitting that it’s one of the perks. SO…..To all the wonderful fathers, who love their children and are there for them…..

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

AND……….To the fathers who are deadbeats, don’t pay child support, don’t pay attention to their children, do unspeakable harm or are just plain nonexistent……I’m going to thank you for one thing.

Thanks for being a small part of the conception process, because despite you, there is someone (step-father, big brother, uncle, grandfather….), who loves and cherishes your child and has hopefully stepped in to fill your void.

SO……….this is to all you father figures as well!

 

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears.
Francis Bacon, Sr.

A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.
Anonymous

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Theodore M. Hesburgh

It is much easier to become a father than to be one.
Kent Nerburn

Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later… that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life.
Tom Wolfe

There are three stages of a man’s life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.
Author Unknown

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
Clarence Budington Kelland

It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
Anne Sexton

Tim Russert, Journalist
“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

Al Unser, Jr., Racecar Driver
“Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.”

Reed Markham, PhD
“Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.”

Bill Cosby, Comedian
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Jerry Lewis, Comedian
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’”

Charles Wadsworth, Musician
“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

Unknown
“A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Unknown

Harmon Killebrew, MLB Baseball Player
“My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass”; “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys”

Red Buttons, Actor, Comedian
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ”

Robert Frost, Writer
“The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother’s always a Democrat.

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Engaged in foreplay and I had no clue.

16 Jun

OMG! This is an awkward follow-up to my earlier posting Outsourcing scams to India: Would they sound sweeter with Bollywood Music?   Read First!!!!

NOW…….There was not supposed to be a follow-up, but those mothers called me back again. They are relentless. I could have just hung up, but I wanted to ask them some more questions to frustrate them. SO……..The call was very similar to the first one in the beginning.

WARNING…….It ain’t pretty and it ain’t censored.

The conversation was like the other one until everything I said was met with:

Scammer: Just go to your computer ma’am and I will fix it.

Lorre: Your customer service sucks. You keep telling me what to do, but you won’t answer any of my questions. I’m not going to sit at my computer and do anything until you tell me what is wrong and what will happen if I don’t fix it.

Scammer: Ma’am, hold on. I get my super. Hold on.

Scammer Boss: Ma’am. Your computer has been sending us errors messages. Just sit at your computer and do what we tell you.

Lorre: Your customer service is crap too. Stop telling me what I should do and answer my questions.  How long has my computer been sending you these messages?

(after several times of rephrasing the same question…this is what I got in return)

Scammer Boss: Since you bought it.

Lorre: Since I bought it?

Scammer Boss: Yes.

Lorre: Well, I don’t need you to fix it then. I’ll just return it. I should just return it right?

Scammer Boss: Yes.

Lorre: Okay. So I will return it. What is the name of your company so I can tell them who said my computer was malfunctioning?

Scammer Boss: Ma’am. Just return it and when you get a new one, we’ll call back for your computer problem.

Lorre: But if I get a new one, why will I have a problem? So what is the name of your company again?

Scammer Boss: Okay. Don’t return it. We fix it.

Lorre: Okay. You want me to give you access to my computer and then you will fix it.

Scammer Boss: No. We will not have access.

Lorre: So….I’m not going to put in some commands and then you will have control of my computer and be able to download things.

Scammer Boss: Well yes we will. We will have a Microsoft technician go in and fix it.

Lorre: First of all. No! You aren’t from Microsoft and I’m not letting you in my computer so you can put malware on it, viruses or get my personal info. I’m not a dumbass.

Scammer Boss: Ma’am this is very important. You need to sit down to your computer and listen. This problem is very serious. Now go sit at your computer!

Lorre: I know this is a scam and again….take me off your damn list. This is the second call today.

Scammer Boss: This is an important call about your computer. Just sit down so we tell you the problem!

Lorre: I already wrote about you on the internet once today. I guess I’ll have to do it again.

(Then he said something I couldn’t understand.)

Lorre: Excuse me.

Scammer Boss: I fuck you.

Lorre: What!?!

Scammer Boss: I fuck you. I fuck you tonight.

Lorre: You sick mother fucker! My husband would blow your fucking head off.

Scammer Boss: Oh yeah, well I fuck you. I fuck you.

Lorre: You wish you sick son of a bitch! You’d be fucking dead! (He is saying something, but I’m yelling over him.) You pathetic piece of shit with your crappy ass job! Con artist! Great fucking career choice dumbass. Go fuck yourself tonight you goddamn loser!

HANG UP!!!!!

Wow…..I don’t know about you, but someone needs a cold shower!

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Friday Frenzy (6/15/12): Read This or Watch Paint Dry

15 Jun

 

I don’t know people. It’s a close one.

  • Hey Ladies: Did you know that you can do more with cucumbers than……Ummmm…….make a salad? It’s true. With the help of my wise friends, Mr. and Mrs. Trapped Wolf, I have made pickles (dill, sweet, sandwich). AND…..Since no one has lived long enough to know how long canned pickles last, it looks like if I ever run out of batteries…..I mean condoms…..I mean CONDIMENTS…..then, I’m at least covered in with pickles.

  • The Cute One has found a new fort and NO ONE is allowed to invade his domain.

JUstice in Toybox 002

  • The Things are home for the summer. Let’s hope for the best.

  • Thing 3 hung up on her dad yesterday. I asked her why. She said she got mad at him because he heard me talking in the background and shouted at her: “What’s your mom running her mouth about now?”………WELL……I’m glad she took a stand. I called him back and let him know I was running my mouth to her about him: “Would your Dad like me to drop you off at his house?”………What an ass!……I told my daughter that happy people don’t say things like that. NOW…..She still likes her dad, but feels a bit sorry for him because he may not be so happy.

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Dating Dads: DON’TS for Complete Morons

12 Jun

In case there is any confusion: I am not a licensed therapist. For that matter,  I’m not even an unlicensed therapist. I am not a bartender, a psychology major, or an expert on ANY topic. Everything you read (if you can), is based on personal experience. NO……I am not a transsexual. BUT…….I have a dad, my kids have a dad and I’ve dated someone’s dad. SO THERE!

  • DON’T: Introduce your new girlfriend to the kids, when mommy doesn’t even know the marriage isn’t working out.
  • DON’T: Tell your kids (while crying over the phone) you can’t spend Christmas with them because you are overseas.  AND then……Spend 2 weeks over the holidays with your new girlfriend in the states, while taking a detour less than an hour from where your kids live.
  • DON’T: Marry someone so they can get custody of their kids. Did it occur to you, she lost them for a reason? BUT……What a grand idea to make that “lady” your kid’s new mommy.
  • DONT: Get married to someone in secret and let your kids find out (over a year later) because they overheard you talking about it. If you are ashamed……Well? Can we say “red flag”?
  • DON’T: Use shameless methods to get your wife back, LIKE……Getting your kids excited about the brother or sister they are going to have when you and your estranged wife adopt. By the way, she never heard that idea.
  • DON’T: In the span of 3 weeks…….meet someone in person one time
    • decide you love them
    • buy a ring
    • tell your kids she is moving in
    • tell them you are getting married
    • plan a family vacation
    • tell the ex-wife all of this and tell her how awesome this person is
    • …….THEN…….One day later……find out she went to a casino with some guy via Facebook
    • decide you hate her
    • tell your kids what a tramp she is
    • send the ring back
    • cancel the family vacation
    • tell your kids it just didn’t work out
    • ……AND then…… Reassure your ex-wife that: this woman will not be in the children’s life, you are currently talking to 3 other women, your divorce from your estranged wife should be final in a few weeks……..SO…..….Everything is fine.
  • DON’T: Tell your kids you can’t take them out to dinner because their mom takes all your money.
  • DON’T: Send your kids to visit their mom for the summer and refuse to get them plane tickets back. WHY? Your girlfriend doesn’t like them and she already gave her daughter, your daughter’s room.
  • DON’T: Blame your kids for your break-up.

SO……For those morons out there, who do not need to be anyone’s dad: Keep it in your pants or wrap it up.

Don’t worry. If the times it takes you to find your tiny guy doesn’t give you ample time to change your mind…….THEN……I’m sure someone sells little condoms.

AND…..IF you are too moronic to remember or too busy listening to the little dude in your pants…..Just know……

Father’s Day may not be your holiday!

 

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Phone Call

12 Jun

SO…….This is a conversation I just had with my hubby minutes ago.

**RING, RING**

Lorre: Hello.

Cowboy: (panting) Hey.

Lorre: Are you riding your bike right now?

Cowboy: Yeah. I just made it up “blah, blah” Hill.

Lorre: Is that hard?

Cowboy: Yeah. It’s right at “blah blah location”.

Lorre: Well…..(interrupted)

Cowboy: Gotta go. (hangs ups)

 

AND…..This is a conversation that is typical any other day.

 

**RING, RING**

 

Cowboy: Hello.

Lorre: (panting) Hey.

Cowboy: What’s wrong with you?  Are you having sex?

Lorre: Yeah. I’m having sex while I’m taking care of the baby, washing dishes, doing laundry….(interrupted)

Cowboy: I’m just trying to be funny.  Put the baby down and take a nap.

Lorre: A nap? Does that mean your gonna help when you get home?

Cowboy: I can’t talk right now. I’m working.

Lorre: Your working? I…..(hang up)

 

At least there is consistency with the beginning and end of each call.

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Wordless Wednesday: If you mean “my” words.

6 Jun

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Teen Pregnancy: Brilliance or Dumbass Mistake?

5 Jun

Here I am, 42 years old with a 20 month old. When he’s 18, I’ll be……well…….old. My energy is not what it once. SO…..I was thinking about those teen moms.

  • You have something interesting to post on Facebook.
  • You get to go shopping for more clothes.
  • Easy to lose weight and get girlie figure back.
  • If parents willing
    • room and board (you and child)
    • continue education
    • free child care
    • can pass the buck
  • Lot’s of energy to play with your child.
  • You will be super stoked to get your license and won’t care you have to drive them around.
  • You can help them with schoolwork since they won’t be far behind.
  • Someone close in age to hang with (you will still embarrass them).
  • Pretty much gone when you are 35 or so……

 

Hmmmmmmm? I’d say those girls were onto something, but let’s face it…….they only thing they were onto was a guy’s unwrapped noodle. I wonder if the money saved in condoms was less than the child support? Hmmmmmmmmm? Yep! Dumbass Mistake!

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