SO….As this year begins to wind down, I’ve thought about lessons I’ve learned this year from my life and by talking with others. Let me share some of them with you.
DRINKING
- When you continually tell your wife it’s time to leave the party and she gets “one” more drink behind your back, you are negotiating with a drunken person. Take charge and pick her ass off the chair. You might save her from sleeping on the bathroom floor again.
- Light beer does not mean drink double what you normally would.
- Next time you think it’s a good idea to get drunk around kids and tell “funny” stories, just remember…..they aren’t laughing at your stories.
SEX
- It’s fun trying to get pregnant. The mom in me says: “if you are of age and married” because I never did a thing like that out-of-wedlock. (Damn! I just got hit by lightning.)
- Married with kids? Take it when you can get it, despite who is home or if either one of you is in the mood. Sex can be the mood changer!
PARENTING
- Develop a strategy with your kids now because they will decide where you live when you are old and needy.
- It’s okay to say, “Do as I say, not as I do.”, because why should my ten year-old be driving?
- Parenting and friendship don’t mix. It confusing and leads to line crossing, mostly by the grownups. AND…. don’t try and become friends with their friends. It’s creepy at any age and so are moms in jeggings.
RELIGION
- If God is everywhere, then he already knows you missed church. So tell all those busybodies to worry about themselves. You met with God over coffee this morning.
- If it seems like someone has mixed up a big batch of Kool-Aid (bad kind) during the sermon, find a new church.
- It’s okay to discuss religion, despite one’s beliefs, but don’t jam your opinions down one’s throat through a beer bong. This could potentially lead to gagging.
DIET/EXERCISE
- Don’t start a diet around the holidays. That’s just stupid. (I am a dummy for that.)
- Fat-free and calorie free is not the same thing. How’s the scale looking after eating that whole tub of FF ice cream?
- Looking at the exercise equipment for 20 minutes, 3 times a day, is not effective.
- Running your mouth and exercising your right to annoy people burns very few calories.
- It’s not a coincidence that DIET is spelled with the word “DIE”. AND…..EXERCISE is very close to EXORCIST.
EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK
- Don’t use a stripper on your hair…..Not the kind in a bottle and definitely not the kind that gyrates on a pole. They both lead to trouble that’s hard to fix and hard to get out.
- Be true to yourself. Everyone always thinks they know better than you, but really…..they don’t. Well, I do, but they don’t.
- Like a good bra, be supportive of those you love. Nobody wants floppy boobs in their face when making a decision. Well…maybe some of you do.
